I hate Jack Black, not because he made a mockery of my people in his movie Nacho Libre, but because he’s not funny. I never saw that Nacho Libre shit but can only assume it was shit because Jack Black is not funny. I realized that Jack Black wasn’t funny years ago, but I guess what I think doesn’t fucking matter because this cunt keeps getting work, like hosting some MTV awards show this past fall where he made a fool of himself .

I guess if that’s what makes for good comedy, I have no concept of funny, because let’s face it, if I did have a concept of funny, this site would be making money. Either way, I was blown the fuck away when I checked my inbox and found pictures of this motherfucker’s movie premiere for Tenacious D. I knew that this was his band that has been floating around the last couple of years but I never really knew much about them other than that they have always offended me with their obesity, fart jokes and whatever else they do that I have blocked out of my memory because every time they show up on TV or hits my computer screen I turn the fucker off.

Speaking of turning the fucker off, none of the bitches who went to his premiere were hot. Speaking of hot, a homeless man in a top hat just asked me if I worked on the computer and I said no and he said “so you’re telling me that’s not a computer” and I said “it’s a cell phone” and he got confused and walked away, but not as confused as the hippie in the corner who is looking at a map plannng his next obnoxious college backpacking adventure so that in 6 months from now he can come home and instead of telling people he had fun and got drunk and fucked bitches he’ll tell them that the trip changed his life like the emotional worldly and aware college kid that he is. He’ll go on to say that little Miguel with HIV in Ecuador changed his life and that they’ve exchanged email addresses and that he’ll be sending Miguel care packages until he saves enough money working at an organic health food store between volunteer sessions working with the homeless and taking classes on third world development to go rebuild Miguel’s village.

Speaking of third world development, Homeless Man Dance just walked in and I feel he could rebuild villages if he wasn’t so busy dancing. I’d do a follow-up on him but that would be overkill. Speaking of overkill, this post is way too long. Enjoy….and Cuddles (obvs)…

Other People in Attendance:

Ben Stiller and His Fat Wife….

Kristen Cavallari

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My old army buddy was in town this past weekend for veteran’s day. We decided that it would be a great opportunity to catch up on old times and grab a couple of drinks in our army uniforms. We realize that people give veterans free stuff because of their own guilt from not serving their country. So we decided to go out to naked breakfast, only to be served by a floppy looking girl with genitals that were more meaty than the sausage she served us and nipples that had a greater circumference than the pancakes on my plate, but when a naked woman is serving you breakfast, you don’t really complain, because lets face it, an ugly naked girl is better than no naked girl, but you already know that don’t you. Your sex life wouldn’t be around if it wasn’t for the ugly girls. Anyway, our day continued by going to the Memorial Day service where we were treated like kings, we were given all kinds of free goodies in some gift bag for being in attendance, I felt like Brad Pitt at the Academy Awards pre-party. We continued our uniform clad day at the strip club where we didn’t pay a penny and got completely inebriated and lap dance after lap dance. I even convinced 2 amateur girls that happened to be in the club to get up and do a show, because they were hotter than the hired strippers, mainly because they were in their everyday clothes and because they were with their boyfriends. They didn’t want to at first but the fact that it was memorial day and that it was a time to honor our troops lead them to a 3 song special. Next up was the olympic stripper, I call her the olympic stripper because she had the dancing abilities that made me think of China. Her ability to shake her ass and slap each ass cheek independently against the pole was something only a girl who was bread and trained from a young age could do. I am talking trained like chinese gymnastic camps that I saw a documentary one where they train 12 hours daily from the time they are 2 to make it. We spent a total of $5, everything was complimentary because we were in uniform, I guess the joke is on everyone considering neither of us ever served in the army, but probably should have if I had known people were so generous. Speaking of pretending to be something your not, Chyna, the wrestler not the gymnastic training camp, has lead people to believe she was a woman for all this time, she’s been getting drinks bought for her and has even made money and more importantly has had some hetero men like you jerk off to her while watching her wrestle and her sex tape, but in reality, it was all just a fucking costume. Her real name is Carl and she just cut off his dick to look good in a leotard for the WWF and here she is classing it up in a way only someone who cut off his penis could…

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I have enough trouble understanding a dude who sits at home watching the Jennifer Love Hewitt show about talking to Ghosts, even though I have watched the show a handful of times. I figure I am the exception to the rule because I have no friends, no money and no cable. The fact that I have one channel and no budget to do much else is who I assume who the market of the show is. After watching the show, I would have never expected anyone to take screencaps. Not because Jennifer Love is in it, because I know weird internet losers love this bitch, but because no matter how much any loser likes this horse faced cunt, capping the show would mean that they actually had to watch the shot. It would also mean that they can afford technology that could provide them with better entertainment than “Ghost Whisperer” ever could. I can only assume that the dude who took these caps was the same guy who works at the local hobby store selling model cars to kids to make enough money to pay for his computer parts. The same guy who never married and who causes discomfort in parents everytime little Johnny wants to go shopping there. He’s the kind of guy who lived in his mother’s basement until she moved to Florida for retirement when he was 42 and since she sold her house and forced him to venture out on his own. The lack of personal interaction has forced him to develope this new hobby combining his best friend (computer) and his fantasy girl (Jennifer Love) and a split second of a thong shot later, the pics hit the internet. Thanks to “original capper” and his mom for making this possible. Now fuck off and stop hating my genius posts.

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I have enough trouble understanding a dude who sits at home watching the Jennifer Love Hewitt show about talking to Ghosts, even though I have watched the show a handful of times. I figure I am the exception to the rule because I have no friends, no money and no cable. The fact that I have one channel and no budget to do much else is who I assume who the market of the show is. After watching the show, I would have never expected anyone to take screencaps. Not because Jennifer Love is in it, because I know weird internet losers love this bitch, but because no matter how much any loser likes this horse faced cunt, capping the show would mean that they actually had to watch the shot. It would also mean that they can afford technology that could provide them with better entertainment than “Ghost Whisperer” ever could. I can only assume that the dude who took these caps was the same guy who works at the local hobby store selling model cars to kids to make enough money to pay for his computer parts. The same guy who never married and who causes discomfort in parents everytime little Johnny wants to go shopping there. He’s the kind of guy who lived in his mother’s basement until she moved to Florida for retirement when he was 42 and since she sold her house and forced him to venture out on his own. The lack of personal interaction has forced him to develope this new hobby combining his best friend (computer) and his fantasy girl (Jennifer Love) and a split second of a thong shot later, the pics hit the internet. Thanks to “original capper” and his mom for making this possible. Now fuck off and stop hating my genius posts.

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I went to a stripclub lastnight. The strippers were very fat. The young one was pregnant. When you get a lap dance from her she charged $5 more than the other girls, I guess it’s a 2 for 1 deal. That was a lame joke, but that’s ok because I’ve got a pocketful. I ended up at another club where I had to negotiate with the owner to let me in for free after they tried to charge me twice the cover charge because I can only assume they don’t like men who smell like piss to drink their alcohol. If you’re wondering why I haven’t updated. It’s because I went to a job interview today. I’d write about how great it went but I’d hate the cunt who was doing the interview to read this site and find out that whole time I kept staring at her boobs…..Speaking of boobs here are my links of the day….

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I didn’t read this but figured I’d post it for the sake of posting it. In the even you haven’t noticed I have been pretty lazy the last week. I am trying to figure out the best way to make myself famous and I figured sleeping on the couch in the afternoon and frequenting seedy bars until 4 am every night is probably not going to get me there, but it will make me forget that I have pretty much done al lthat I can with this site. Reaily is I am not giving this shit up but I am taking up drinking again. It’s a solid coping mechanism. Speaking of coping, good luck coping with MUNG’s obvious attempt at ripping up my style and for the record I don’t support teasing successful people who die from cancer…but I can only assume MUNG doesn’t mind because he’s a hack. Speaking of hack, here’s some more Lohan, these pics are from some event on wednesday night.

I have decided that Sunday nights are pretty good nights. Not early Sunday night, but late Sunday night around 8:00PM. This is usually when my coke hangover wears off and my body sorta feels normal again. After punishing my liver and the rest of my internal organs the night before I usually wake up in the morning and feel like roadkill, but eventually it wears off around 8PM on Sunday and all is good with the world again. This is usually when I will lay on the couch in my soiled jogging pants and my “#1 Jew” t-shirt that I picked up at Value Village and start reassessing my life while I watch TV. I think about what my life could have been, and what could have happened if I had some dreams or inspirations, and then all of a sudden a ticking watch comes up on the screen and out of nowhere an elderly pale black man with white hair and an earring is interviewing a 24 year old heroin addicted, alcoholic prostitute. Then I smile and realize that my life isn’t all that bad….I could be an eldrely pale black man with white hair and an earring.

Here’s to you Ed Bradley, for making my Sunday hangovers tolerable. 60 Minutes won’t be the same without you and neither will my hangover

More of Lohan Now…..

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I didn’t read this but figured I’d post it for the sake of posting it. In the even you haven’t noticed I have been pretty lazy the last week. I am trying to figure out the best way to make myself famous and I figured sleeping on the couch in the afternoon and frequenting seedy bars until 4 am every night is probably not going to get me there, but it will make me forget that I have pretty much done al lthat I can with this site. Reaily is I am not giving this shit up but I am taking up drinking again. It’s a solid coping mechanism. Speaking of coping, good luck coping with MUNG’s obvious attempt at ripping up my style and for the record I don’t support teasing successful people who die from cancer…but I can only assume MUNG doesn’t mind because he’s a hack. Speaking of hack, here’s some more Lohan, these pics are from some event on wednesday night.

I have decided that Sunday nights are pretty good nights. Not early Sunday night, but late Sunday night around 8:00PM. This is usually when my coke hangover wears off and my body sorta feels normal again. After punishing my liver and the rest of my internal organs the night before I usually wake up in the morning and feel like roadkill, but eventually it wears off around 8PM on Sunday and all is good with the world again. This is usually when I will lay on the couch in my soiled jogging pants and my “#1 Jew” t-shirt that I picked up at Value Village and start reassessing my life while I watch TV. I think about what my life could have been, and what could have happened if I had some dreams or inspirations, and then all of a sudden a ticking watch comes up on the screen and out of nowhere an elderly pale black man with white hair and an earring is interviewing a 24 year old heroin addicted, alcoholic prostitute. Then I smile and realize that my life isn’t all that bad….I could be an eldrely pale black man with white hair and an earring.

Here’s to you Ed Bradley, for making my Sunday hangovers tolerable. 60 Minutes won’t be the same without you and neither will my hangover

More of Lohan Now…..

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