I have no idea who this bitch is and lucky for you I don’t have time to google it, because I am headed to a funeral. I know all you fuckers like to rip into me about how I am lazy and useless and all that shit, but as much of an asshole as I am, I wouldn’t make an excuse up like this. I just don’t like joking about death, I am more into sex jokes and the sexual harassment of girls on myspace

I have been getting drunk the last 3 nights and nothing really eventful has come from it. I already told you the english professor story and I barely remember the funny parts of the night. On Saturday I got drunk at some shitty restaurant with a couple of friends, dizzy and beat up from the night before, I had to go home early. but before going home my friend dragged me to some gay bar so that he could mack on a barmaid there who he’s wanted for about a year but hasn’t got yet. I had to make fun of her, and possibly fuck up his game, but only because I have a reputation to live up to. I am an asshole like that.

This has officially been the worst post in a long time, but under the circumstances, you should be happy I’ve bothered posting anything.

With Love,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

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I feel like punishing all you bastards who decided to give me a lesson in comedy in my Nicole Richie text message post.

Like the guy who told me how I am not funny because I corrected her spelling and how that’s a lame joke. Well, there is one thing you have to understand and that is that people who dis people based on spelling suck. It’s not a good joke, it’s a cop out of a joke and anyone who reads this site knows that I am far more creative than that.

Reality is that my site is filled with typos and I understand that they happen. I am an uneducated mexican, I am surprised I can even type at all. But the joke is the Nicole Richie is a rich girl, with more money that I’d know what to do with, with all the opportunity to be the smartest and most educated little thing in the world and bitch never took the time to learn how to spell lose. She was always too busy smoking heroin.

So all this is to say that I dissed the fact that she couldn’t spell lose or loser because as she rolls around in her Benz, I know that 95% of you fuckers are smarter than her and that is a scary fucking thing. So yeah, maybe the Richie post wasn’t the best I could have done, but she has changed her number since Sunday, and bad dis or not, that means I won. Cuddles.

Speaking of winning, this bitch’s name is Corinne Cobson and she’s some kind of designer/make-up artist/ something from France. No one gives a fuck about her cuz she’s washed up and gross, but in a bra and bras always make me smile. Unlike you, Asshole.

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I feel like punishing all you bastards who decided to give me a lesson in comedy in my Nicole Richie text message post.

Like the guy who told me how I am not funny because I corrected her spelling and how that’s a lame joke. Well, there is one thing you have to understand and that is that people who dis people based on spelling suck. It’s not a good joke, it’s a cop out of a joke and anyone who reads this site knows that I am far more creative than that.

Reality is that my site is filled with typos and I understand that they happen. I am an uneducated mexican, I am surprised I can even type at all. But the joke is the Nicole Richie is a rich girl, with more money that I’d know what to do with, with all the opportunity to be the smartest and most educated little thing in the world and bitch never took the time to learn how to spell lose. She was always too busy smoking heroin.

So all this is to say that I dissed the fact that she couldn’t spell lose or loser because as she rolls around in her Benz, I know that 95% of you fuckers are smarter than her and that is a scary fucking thing. So yeah, maybe the Richie post wasn’t the best I could have done, but she has changed her number since Sunday, and bad dis or not, that means I won. Cuddles.

Speaking of winning, this bitch’s name is Corinne Cobson and she’s some kind of designer/make-up artist/ something from France. No one gives a fuck about her cuz she’s washed up and gross, but in a bra and bras always make me smile. Unlike you, Asshole.

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I went out last night dressed like an english professor. I was in a cardigan and tuxedo shirt and the english professor was my bit for the night. I don’t remember the night at all. I do remember making fun of a Mexican/Hatian girl for being dirtier than a Mexican because she threw a lil’ nig into the mix. I remember laughing at a Russian girl about being a mail-order bride. I remember running up to a girl who I was told was a stripper and continually told her how I had already seen her box. I don’t really know if much else happened, but I was the motherfucking English professor and I had a good time doing it. Speaking of goodtimes, here are a bunch of random links I’ve found the last couple of days. They suck, but then again so do you, so you’re like a match made in heaven. I als drunken dialed Paris Hilton and had a fight with whoever answered. They kept saying that they were the Beverly Hills Police Department and that they were sending the case to the FBI. I kept asking her what she was wearing. Part of me knows getting arrested will launch my career…So I’ll keep it up. Cuddles….

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I have never been to Vegas and I have never cum in my pants out of excitement. I was thinking this morning while lying in bed hungover after a night of self-medicating at the strip club, that life would be better if you came your pants everytime you got excited, scared, sad, etc. I’m talking any emotion you bust nut. Think about it, you get in a car accident, you bust nut…the cops pull you over, you bust nut, you have a presentation to make in school or to your boss, you bust nut…you get in a fight at the bar, you bust nut. It would make everything really funny…something I wish MUNG was.

I went to Vegas when I was 17 because my parents paid for it and thought I needed an eye-opening, life-changing, experience. Most parents send them to summer camp but mine thought it would be a good idea to send me to Vegas with my buddy and his gambling addicted, alcoholic mother. Like most 17 year old boys, it was not a problem to easily achieve a rock hard boner from a Golden Girls rerun and now I was put in the middle of the city of pure sleaze. I was in my element. The lights, the sounds, and the hookers! It was my first experience ever seeing a prostitute and I instantly fell in love.

There she was! A figment of every 17-year-old-boy’s fantasy. She was wearing black whore stilettos, a tiny black mini skirt, and a sports bra. She was walking funny like she had just had her assnole reamed by a pool cue and she had bloody trackmarks up and down her right arm. Her hair was a mess because she just woke up at 2:00PM from her all night coke binge, and her it had traces of semen in it. Her jewlery was aboslutely gorgeous and it looked like it had been recently bought at the local dollar store. What a thing of beauty! Her mascara was running, her lipstick was fire-engine red and smeared, and she smelled like a mixture of tuna and pine-sol which was probably just rotten pussy and gin. I instantly came in my pants and will never forget that beautiful hooker I crossed paths with that day.

Completely and enirley unrelated to this story, here are some pics of Brittany Murphy.

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MUNG’s idea is like having a virtual visit to the art gallery, he is trying to add a little class to this piece of shit site, that for the record is way cooler than your piece of shit site. This is what he had to say….

Here is a picture that is awesome. I typed “mung” under google image search and this picture came up. It looks to me like a man smashing a pregnant woman in the stomach with a bat and the man on the end is getting the aborted fetus sprayed all over his face. At least thats what I see. Maybe we could make it a new segment on the webpage. You post a crazy pic like this on the site, and then we have the readers comment on what they think the artist is trying to say.

Just an idea you lazy fuck.

MUNG

If doing commentary on art isn’t gay enough, throw in art of men beating pregnant women to further explore MUNG’s deep hatred for women and desire for the cock. Unable to understand the erections he gets while watching the brokeback moutain sex scene over and over and over again he decides to write in this kind of shit. I post it – cuz let’s face it… I just got back and I am not feeling very creative today.

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I don’t know if these are actually pics of Keira Knightley, mainly because I don’t know who Keira Knightley is. I guess I do know that she isn’t important enough for me to remember her, but then again either is my phone number, address or my name 85% of the time. I am damaged goods and a little on the forgetful side of things. Speaking of damaged goods. This slag looks like damaged goods, not because the pictures are a piece of shit quality, but because she’s rockin’ American Apparel. American Apparel ruins bitches in my eyes. It makes me think of rich kids at Last Night Party events, flashing their “father is a doctor” and their “I go to prep school” tits. In theory you’d think I’d be down with the girls who were too good for my dick when I was in my 20s turning into the local hussies, but I am not happy that it took a brand like American Apparel to be the reason for it. I like girls to become loose in the hips like elvis at their own volition and the fact that they are rocking American Apparel like it is The Gap, even though bitches look good in the shit, pisses me off, because there’s nothing different between the Lesbians of the 90s in their Gap khakis and this movement… Minxy Winxy made me go into an American Apparel store yesterday so that she could try on some kind of shitty Cardigan. The place was employed rich Jews who were trying to be Hip in their Lee Jeans and styled hair and it annoyed me. Other than the whole politics behind the brand, I love the way girls look in it.

With Love,

Jesus Martinez – On the Road

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Lucky for you, I couldn’t keep away from the computer for as long as I thought I would be keeping away from the computer. Last night, while I was lying in bed, and by bed I mean on a bench in the bus station, I couldn’t fall asleep. I kept having visions of you never coming back here because I am inconsistant in my posts and not as funny as I used to be. I guess it’s also got to do with replacing my drug addiction with a computer addiction and a typing addiction and a making no money addiction and it’s got to do with the stress of losing my picture source because I kept bugging her for pictures of her box, but the real reason I couldn’t sleep was because I was in a fucking bus station.

Without a picture source, I am forced to post dated Brooke Hogan FHM pictures. I was convinced that this girl was a fat piece of garbage, I’m talking so trashy that bitch is the kitchen garbage bag after you clean out your fridge, with an ass full of rancid ground beef coupled with a stench of rotten cabbage. I had no idea she had a body like this. I know it’s airbrush magic and I am okay with that. The reason I am okay with that is simple. I like that society has a skewed perception of what a bitch is supposed to look like, and that girls have a negative self image, even when they are hot, because it makes them easier to bang. If more and more clueless men tell the hot girls they are fat and ugly and that they have shit on Brooke Hogan, a girl we all know is busted, they will end up hating themselves more than the fat girl with leg braces, acne and a rash thus making them put out a whole lot easier. I am talking teenage pregnancy, herpes infection and working in porn by the time they are 18. Ideally all after they’ve had a visit with my mouth.

That may not make sense, but it does to me and I guess that’s all that matters here.

Signed, Jesus Martinez on the Road. Cuddles.

PS – My Dream Is For Her Dad To Read This…I Loved His 1986 Work Out Program/Audio Cassette Set…

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Lucky for you, I couldn’t keep away from the computer for as long as I thought I would be keeping away from the computer. Last night, while I was lying in bed, and by bed I mean on a bench in the bus station, I couldn’t fall asleep. I kept having visions of you never coming back here because I am inconsistant in my posts and not as funny as I used to be. I guess it’s also got to do with replacing my drug addiction with a computer addiction and a typing addiction and a making no money addiction and it’s got to do with the stress of losing my picture source because I kept bugging her for pictures of her box, but the real reason I couldn’t sleep was because I was in a fucking bus station.

Without a picture source, I am forced to post dated Brooke Hogan FHM pictures. I was convinced that this girl was a fat piece of garbage, I’m talking so trashy that bitch is the kitchen garbage bag after you clean out your fridge, with an ass full of rancid ground beef coupled with a stench of rotten cabbage. I had no idea she had a body like this. I know it’s airbrush magic and I am okay with that. The reason I am okay with that is simple. I like that society has a skewed perception of what a bitch is supposed to look like, and that girls have a negative self image, even when they are hot, because it makes them easier to bang. If more and more clueless men tell the hot girls they are fat and ugly and that they have shit on Brooke Hogan, a girl we all know is busted, they will end up hating themselves more than the fat girl with leg braces, acne and a rash thus making them put out a whole lot easier. I am talking teenage pregnancy, herpes infection and working in porn by the time they are 18. Ideally all after they’ve had a visit with my mouth.

That may not make sense, but it does to me and I guess that’s all that matters here.

Signed, Jesus Martinez on the Road. Cuddles.

PS – My Dream Is For Her Dad To Read This…I Loved His 1986 Work Out Program/Audio Cassette Set…

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I got bad news that someone important to me has cancer in 6 places, and I hate putting my life out there for you fuckers to rip into, but it’s the reality. I have to leave town tonight and I won’t have internet access for the next 2 days. I am going to do what I can to get to an Internet Cafe or something to throw something up here for you fuckers, but if you are still reading this in 2 days, it’s not because I died, and it’s not because I don’t love you, it’s because I am not near a computer. I would rather be here rocking my keyboard like Liberace plays the piano, but real life duties are a little more important. So got shitty news today and what better way to celebrate shitty than to bring you shitty links….

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