I know a lot of you readers are perverts. I know a lot of you probably don’t get laid often and probably can’t afford a hooker, so I decided to give all of you some great masturbation tips on the lonliest day of the year, to help you get through the night and hopefully to prevent a couple of suicides.
Masturbation techniques – After the jump
BANANA MAN
This is an easy one. Simply peel a banana (you can eat it later), slip the peel over your penis, and masturbate with it. The banana slime is a great lubricant. You can warm up the peel in the microwave for added sensations. Also, you might have better results if you peel the banana by making just one cut in the peel and removing the fruit through the single cut; you can then cut off the end of the banana peel and insert your penis through that end.
THE LITTLE BOXERS
Put on some old boxer shorts that are too small, and pull your penis and scrotum out of the fly. Then pull the shorts up so they are tight, and fold the tops down, so you have a little bikini-type thing with your penis sticking out the front. This puts pressure on your penis that feels good, and masturbating like this provides a different sensation.
Variation: Use your little brothers superman tighties…it’s fucking hot…
MATTRESS SANDWICH
This one is rather odd but cool. First get an erection, and then take a pillow and crawl between the box-spring and mattress of a twin-size bed. (Full, king, and queen mattresses are too heavy.) Lie on your back, position the pillow between you and the mattress, and thrust your hips against the pillow. The weight of the mattress is a new and interesting sensation. Beware — If someone walks in on you, you’ll have a tough time talking your way out of this one!
VARIATION: WITH A CONDOM
If you use a condom while using this technique, the sensation is better and the orgasm lasts a bit longer.
EGGPLANT JAM
Select an eggplant that is sufficiently larger than your erect penis. Cut a hole in the peel that’s the exact size of the base of your erect penis. Then make a hole in the pulp smaller than your erection (using a broom handle works well). Then put the eggplant in the microwave for about a minute and a half, just so it gets warm inside and starts to get a little soft, but don’t really cook it. Then, after you make sure with your finger that the inside is cool enough, put in some lube (try coconut oil), put the eggplant between a couple of pillows, and make eggplant jam. Or, you can lie on your back and just move the eggplant back and forth on your erect penis.
PURE GOLD
For someone with a little pocket money to spend: First, buy a small container of Gold Bond Medicated Powder at the drugstore. Throw a towel onto your bed and lie on top of it. (Gold Bond sticks to everything, so it’s good to be able to shake out the towel and have a shower after.) The technique itself is very simple: Just sprinkle a bit of the powder onto your hand, rub it onto your penis, and enjoy — no masturbation required. After a few minutes it will start to tingle. This sensation will grow until it’s almost a burning
sensation, but it doesn’t actually hurt. The stimulation alone will give you an erection. The sensation will change almost to numbness, but it will be blissful at the same time. This feeling lasts for a good, long while until your brain kind of shifts into orgasm mode. The stimulation is subtle, but because the stimulation doesn’t slow down during the orgasm, it is very intense. (Not everyone who tries this technique will get all the way to orgasm without additional stimulation.) You can put some on your scrotum, too, for added pleasure. Try holding back for as long as you can. A can of Gold Bond costs about $5, but it goes a long way.
THE BAGGIE & THE MATTRESS
Get a plastic sandwich baggie and put some Vaseline in it. Then put your penis in and squish all the Vaseline around so it covers your penis. Once that is done, kneel in front of a bed. Lift the up mattress and put your penis, with the baggie still on it, between the mattress and the box-spring. Start pumping as if you were having sex. When you’re done, all you have to do is throw away the baggie.
Bonus : Lube Recipe
SLICK-ACTION LUBE
Ingredients:
3 soup spoons of mayonnaise
1 teaspoon clove-oil extract
1 cup olive oil
1/2 large tube K-Y JellyMix ingredients well in a bowl. With your hand, pick up a large glop and place your penis into it. Begin to stroke.
It’s messy but cool, soothing, and the clove oil gives your erection new rigor.
via JackinWorld (oops)
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(Bitter is not really the word. Though I realize that bitter is the thing that puts lines around your mouth and crows feet at your eyes. So the only way to really get over a lying sack of shit is a rebound, and of course bitterness. Yes, R E B O U N D. Say it with me ladies. (I know, has it really gotten to this?) So I go out and find my target. Approval all around. Perfect, tall, nice ass (great for grabbing and pulling towards you), big smile, juicy lips…. And bang he leaves with, okay get this, an older plainer, fatter, smaller breasted lady. Holy fuck! When did standards get skewd. I did not get the memo. Then I go home and wake up to half strange wet dream. Like someone poured camomile tea in my panties. Nipples hard.
I believe in a thing called love, I may never find it,I like to think I have, but let’s not bullshit here….my fat wife makes a great Poutine but she’s no Minxy Winxy.
The Drunken Stepfathers animal of the day continues with another riveting insallment. Today we examine the American Alligator, a bold and savage beast. We are still going through our fan mail from our last animal of the day the African Elephant so go easy on us.
