I have been ripping into Peta for being a bunch of hippie fucks who don’t see the value in sacrificing the life of a useless animal to make luxurious and expensive clothing for the rich, but they have won me over. Last night, when Lohan was making her way into the VIP room of some club in Paris, some crazed big bushed treehugger threw flour all over her. It may not be the eggs I had reached out to my UK reader to throw at her, but it is still a cake ingredient and it put Lohan in her useless place. On a side note, it was the first time a white substance got close her her face that she didn’t lap up in excitement. That concludes my obvious joke of the day. Next time let’s just hope they throw something that hurts a little more, like a brick, because I think Lohan deserves a little pain for polluting our lives…
Your soon to be President has decided to use the Internet to keep in contact with his people, he plans on doing one of these addresses a week and I think that’s a good sign because everyone uses the internet, and will be up to date on what’s going on, instead of in the dark like they have been the last 200 years. It’s his way of getting America involved and informed and I think it is some pretty clever thinking, but if he really wants this video to work, and get the top rated Youtube views, l he’s gotta do is throw in a couple tits, maybe some girl having a stripper pole accident, or a gay guy screaming to leave Britney alone and a clever comedy song because this political shit is pretty dry fucking content, but I thought it was a sign that the internet’s actually a serious thing and not just a place to hustle chicks and jerk off to every type of porn imaginable….and Obama turning to the Internet means it’s ok to sit in front of your computer and waste away and I guess that’s the kind of validation I need.
On a side note, when I pushed play on this shit, my wife’s dog went fucking nuts, he started growling and barking and was really not feeling it, and he’s black and only barks at videos with other animals in it, so I don’t know what that says about Obama, but I do know that he’s not the only republican dog at there and here’s America’s favorite lipstick-wearing republican pit bull in Florida drinking and slackin’ off, in a pair of short shorts and I figured you’d like that, since you want to fuck her and you think you have a chance because she seems like she’s just that fuckin’ dumb….
Jodie Sweetin/Stephanie Tanner was at some event celebrating her best friend, she brought her dog, I guess her meth had a prior engagement.
In case you don’t know, she suffered child star syndrome, got hooked on meth, went to rehab, got her life together, got married a second time to some nobody, had a kid in April, all while having the biggest fucking tits that don’t look all that big today considering she should be breast feeding still…..
I heard that the first time she lit up to get high, she was reading an article on how the Olsen’s took Full House to the fucking top by starting some billion dollar company out of it, while all she got was de-virginized by Bob Saget’s finger between scenes….but I could have made that up. I have a hard time determining things I’ve seen and things I’ve thought I’ve seen while drunk, so anything’s possible….
The fact that Alyson Hannigan looks like she’s pregnant, you know, with that crazy fucker rubbing her belly and smiling like some kind of pervert trying to lure me into his van, means that Alyson Hannigan gets fucked and that disgusts me. I realize that most girls have sex, despite me not wanting to imagine what that shit looks like because they just aren’t up to par, so naturally, I was happy thinking that this orange haired demon was celibate, truth is that she has so little sex appeal that I was convinced she was some kind of pussyless creature created in Hollywood, because whenever I see pictures of her, that’s I just can’t imagine her having genitals, or using those genitals, or anyone wanting to play with those genitals, even if drunk, desperate, lookin’ for citizenship, broke, confused, a fame whore with limited options, totally unstable or crazy.
All that shoving a flute in her cunt in American Pie was gross enough, but knowing that the people behind that movie felt the same way that I did about her, you know casting her as the gross girl with no sex appeal and shit, not to mention shit was a movie and anything is possible in a movie, no matter how outrageous shit is, made it ok, but now we are faced with the reality that she is a woman and does have a vagina and does use that vagina and that is a horrible way to start my weekend…but you’ll probably like this shit, because you live, breathe and sleep everything Buffy, so it’ll help your expired fantasies of breeding with her a possibility, I am sure you have enough time on your hands to photoshop your face up on that guy she’s with, you know considering you’re reading this site on a fucking Weekend you fucking asshole….
I got distracted today, I didn’t even post any pictures, just unsexy videos, it’s my new business model to piss you off…No seriously, the main reason is hating the paparazzi agencies, ok, I am lying, the main reason was serious laziness, I was sitting on the couch all morning, then did a few posts, then got a call from my neighbor who had to go to the hospital to see his wife, who had some kind of seizure and needed me as a very last resort to watch his bratty kid. The dude promised beer and food, and since he’s a drug dealer, wide screen TV, a lot of channels and the WII. So for 3 hours, I got stuck playing mini golf with the brat, then he decided it would be fun to box with me, so here I am drunk getting punched by a kid, that’s when I locked him in his room and watched Ghost Whisperer.
I could have probably pumped out some more shit, but decided I’ll save it tomorrow, so as of now, I am going to update the site/ finish off today, tomorrow, but that could be the booze talking….it probably is the booze talking…not that you got your hopes up, since you’re not reading this…but I felt like I had to explain myself, because when I get drunk, I get emotional and figure you guys or guy are the only friends or friend, I have….I love you…
Here are my links….
Because I Believe in a Women’s Right to Work Outside the Home Naked…. GO
I saw this clip of Elisabeth Hasselbeck on The View earlier today….they were talking about the pregnant man, who is legally a man, but technically a woman, because motherfucker has a pussy and uterus and gets her period and shit, and to me that makes him a her. I mean, If I can stick my dick in its bearded, mastectomy titty vagina, no matter how dry the fuckin’ thing is, or how much bigger his clit is than my dick, and bitch can get pregnant, despite the emotional and psychological damage it would do to me, she’s still a fucking woman. I don’t care what doctors or the law have to say about it, it’s just a loophole to get gay married….
Anyway, to perpetuate this weirdness of dude getting pregnant to be the father of his baby, the “mother” in the relationship’s been breast feeding the kid, despite how that makes no scientific sense, and Elisabeth Hasselbeck chimes in to say that when she was pregnant and saw other babies….she’d feel her titties fill up with milk….and that makes her a slut. A really weird slut who gets off on having random babies suck her tits, and I figured you’d like that because you are into sex offenders, since you are one.
Either way, here’s a song from Beyonce performing on Oprah, that she wrote for this weird extreme lesbian couple…..and their kid who is going to be totally fucked up when he accidentally sees daddy in the motherfuckin’ shower….
Scroll to 2:20, that’s how I feel about you…I’m doing that same gesture as I type this. Fucker.
I saw this video where Jordan plays one on one with a bunch of Wall Street CEOs back in 2003 and he loses to some dude named John Rogers who was some CEO before the market crashed and burned and left him a multi-millionaire who needed a bailout from the US government that allowed his company to pay for their Christmas Party, without coming out of his pocket. I don’t know much about this guy, or if my claims about him being true, but I do know that he beat Jordan at his own game and that’s some pretty crazy shit right there…..you know, since he was the best player in the fucking game and motherfucker can beat pros with his eyes shut even now that he’s old and washed up….and I guess he watches this video everyday to remind him that despite the condition of the economy, he’s not a loser, he beat Michael fucking Jordan….
I can’t figure out if Kanye West is a genius, or just fucking crazy. The guy pulls the ego shit amazingly, he is the the center of his own world and doesn’t really give a fuck about anything that isn’t about him, so I heard his last tour didn’t have a DJ, because he wanted all the focus on him, and I heard that he was pretty much preaching his shit to the crowd and talking to a computer the entire show, instead of playing his hits, and that it fucking sucked…..
So when he was in London, he went on a 12 minute freestyle, that’s more like some chant, and not a rap, and it was like reading a page out of a really intense girl’s diary…..I didn’t listen to the whole thing, because shit was fucking boring….but he goes into the market being too bad to sell his house, and about being lonely at the top after getting the number one spot he wanted, about how his mom is looking down on him, how suicide is the only way out, or some other crazy shit but he won’t let them get the best of him because he lost his better half….This is like watching a seriously disturbed video you’d see before a kid goes and shoots up his school. His head’s not in the right fucking place and that’s why I am posting it….
I kinda like it better when people bottle their problems up inside them and don’t fuckin’ bore us with their shit. But if anything can be learned from this, talk about your dead mother as often as possible, because it’s the perfect sob story that gets people excited and cheering…and drop Obama’s name every chance you get because you’ll get people chanting along with you…..
So this is boring, but you have nothing better to do, so witness all the warning signs that Kanye will be found dead in a hotel room somewhere, because despite loving himself so much, he’s a weak momma’s boy who can’t survive alone….if his next album doesn’t sell at a level he wants it to…it will be the straw on the camels back, or whatever that Arab expression is….
UPDATE: I don’t follow the news, but it turns out that Kanye was Arrested Last Night for Fucking with the paparazzi….
Hey, Guess What? I’m not dead. I am just lazy. I figure why get up in the morning to entertain your assholes, while I can fuck around and entertain myself. It’s more fun.
Speaking of tits, here’s Kellie Pickler performing a song that she wrote herself. I was surprised that it was just her name over and over because it’s the only thing she knows how to spell, but maybe her grandaddy taught her more than just how to give a solid blowjob and not tell anyone about it.
Either way, here’s the video, because shitty country is a good way to remind you that despite it being Friday, the day every 9 to 5er is hard for, you know, waiting all week in excitement for this day to roll around, whistling around the office asking everyone what their weekend plans are, you sit at your desk depressed because you have no plans, not friends, and nothing to do with yourself. It’s just going to be like every weekend, where you just sleep in, the sit on your couch with takeout and dvds, wallowing in your own filth, waiting for Monday to roll around so you can at least interact with other humans again…fuck you TGIF for ruining my life.
Whats a girl to do when escorting is getting boring and she still feels like she’s not getting fucked enough or like she ought to be… help please.
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This is Dear Abby, right?
I wrote back:
Incorporate animals. I hear horses have huge cocks and when they are done with you, you won’t be able to walk for a week, and sex will be the last thing you will be wanting or thinking about because of the shame you will feel from fucking a horse. If you’re lucky, maybe you’ll get the pony you always wanted as a kid….in your uterus…I don’t know what I am talking about, I am not Dear Abby, but get your pimp to slap some sense into you with his dick, that usually shuts whores up and stops the job complaints…and remember to video tape everything, my life is boring and I always wanted to live vicariously through a sexually frustrated prostitute….
With Love,
Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com
Here are my links….
Unicycle Skills That I’m Sure a Loser Like You Will Appreiciate GO
