I'll Make You Famous…
 
 

2007

17

Jul

I am – Kelly Osborne Eats Popsicles of the Day

Kelly Osborne

When I think of girls eating popsicles, I think of girls in short-shorts, with knee high socks, in really, tight white shirts that are kinda see through, but maybe that’s just me. Instead, here’s Kelly Osborne, a piece of celebrity offspring that I really try to hate but can’t. As much as she’s a whiney, spoiled, little bitch at times, she doesn’t really deny it, and the first step towards beating is a problem is admitting you have one.

I work at Dairy Queen part time, and you would be amazed at the number of fat little shits that come in there everyday with the parents. They are obviously not in need of any more ice cream, hamburgers, french fries etc, yet day after day, their parents come in to buy it for them. All it takes is the kid laying down on the floor I never mop and kicking and screaming for a minute and half and BAM!, they get whatever they want. It;’s truly amazing to watch a 35 year old man crumble at due to a 5 year old.

Unfortunately, I learned pretty fast that throwing temper tantrums never works with Jesus and my mother. One time they left me in Wal-Mart, kicking and screaming until I realized they were gone. and started to cry. I took a ride home from some random stranger and made small talk with him about school, while in my head all I could think of was this old dude killing me and dumping me in a ditch off the highway. I got home, went to my room and cried, and I also didn’t throw any more temper tantrums after that.


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2007

17

Jul

I am – CSI’s Jorja Fox Surfing of the Day

Jorja Fox from CSI

Last week I was going to meet my gay friend at a bar and have a drunken girls’ night, the kind of girls’ night you can only have with gay men and no other girls. On my way I walked by the New York City Blood Bank. I was wondering if the Bank still bought blood, because i really want a new pair of fuck-me-heels and no one wants to buy my ex-hooker eggs. Next I thought to myself, ‘wouldn’t it be funny if someone was passed out on the steps in a pool of their own blood?’ About 6 yards from the steps, I noticed a fist-size wad of gauze soaked in dried blood. It was half of a dream come true, and none of my dreams ever come close to a quarter true.

Jesus is off having his dream-cruise come true (sort of), and now it’s your turn (not really). Here is Jorja Fox from CSI Vegas surfing in Venice Beach in a bikini. She is close to 40, and I think she looks pretty good, although I am sure Jesus would say otherwise. I won’t speak ill of her because I had this fantasy where my Turkish Pimp Zeki would kidnap me to Vegas, burry me in a box in the dessert, and then the hot guy and Jorja would save me just in time–then kill Zeki with a shovel. This may have actually been an episode.

Also, reader Mark emailed me and asked if he could send Jesus $20 for a blowjob on his cruise. That was sweet. Your call Jesus.

Obediently yours,

Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

EMAIL ME HERE


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Posted in:Beach|Bikini|Jorja Fox|Unsorted

2007

17

Jul

I am – CSI's Jorja Fox Surfing of the Day

Jorja Fox from CSI

Last week I was going to meet my gay friend at a bar and have a drunken girls’ night, the kind of girls’ night you can only have with gay men and no other girls. On my way I walked by the New York City Blood Bank. I was wondering if the Bank still bought blood, because i really want a new pair of fuck-me-heels and no one wants to buy my ex-hooker eggs. Next I thought to myself, ‘wouldn’t it be funny if someone was passed out on the steps in a pool of their own blood?’ About 6 yards from the steps, I noticed a fist-size wad of gauze soaked in dried blood. It was half of a dream come true, and none of my dreams ever come close to a quarter true.

Jesus is off having his dream-cruise come true (sort of), and now it’s your turn (not really). Here is Jorja Fox from CSI Vegas surfing in Venice Beach in a bikini. She is close to 40, and I think she looks pretty good, although I am sure Jesus would say otherwise. I won’t speak ill of her because I had this fantasy where my Turkish Pimp Zeki would kidnap me to Vegas, burry me in a box in the dessert, and then the hot guy and Jorja would save me just in time–then kill Zeki with a shovel. This may have actually been an episode.

Also, reader Mark emailed me and asked if he could send Jesus $20 for a blowjob on his cruise. That was sweet. Your call Jesus.

Obediently yours,

Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

EMAIL ME HERE


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Posted in:Beach|Bikini|Jorja Fox|Unsorted

2007

17

Jul

I am – Jessica Simpson’s Boobs of the Day

Jessica Simpson

Our token gay blogger, Julien, sent this to me this morning via email, and since I know most of you are virgins, and probably closet homos anyways, I figured I would post this and give you some insight into your little “dilemma�.

As a gay, I know that “Gaydar� really exists. I can spot a fellow homo walking down the street, riding a bus, showering at the gym, hell, wherever. I’ve been doing it ever since I knew that I wanted to kiss other guys, which was at the age of 4. I’ve gotten it down to a science. I know when a guy is a fag before he does. Now, a lot of people, mostly straight men, think that Gaydar is bullshit. Probably because they are afraid that the gays are going to find out that they are actually in the closet. (PS we already know)

I’ve decided that the straight male equivalent to Gaydar is “Fake Breastar�. Every straight guy I know claims that they can spot fake breasts from a mile away. They claim it’s in the way they bounce, their shape etc. Now, being a pure-blooded homosexual, my breast experience is very limited. I touch a boob maybe once every 3 years (and against my will of course). Here is Jessica Simpson at an after-party for her bullshit swimwear launch. As I stated before, I
don’t know a tit from a hole in the ground, so I’m not saying that Jessica’s boobs are fake.

But I do think they might be gay.

Smooch!

Julian


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Posted in:Jessica Simpson|Tits|Unsorted

2007

17

Jul

I am – Jessica Simpson's Boobs of the Day

Jessica Simpson

Our token gay blogger, Julien, sent this to me this morning via email, and since I know most of you are virgins, and probably closet homos anyways, I figured I would post this and give you some insight into your little “dilemma”.

As a gay, I know that “Gaydar” really exists. I can spot a fellow homo walking down the street, riding a bus, showering at the gym, hell, wherever. I’ve been doing it ever since I knew that I wanted to kiss other guys, which was at the age of 4. I’ve gotten it down to a science. I know when a guy is a fag before he does. Now, a lot of people, mostly straight men, think that Gaydar is bullshit. Probably because they are afraid that the gays are going to find out that they are actually in the closet. (PS we already know)

I’ve decided that the straight male equivalent to Gaydar is “Fake Breastar”. Every straight guy I know claims that they can spot fake breasts from a mile away. They claim it’s in the way they bounce, their shape etc. Now, being a pure-blooded homosexual, my breast experience is very limited. I touch a boob maybe once every 3 years (and against my will of course). Here is Jessica Simpson at an after-party for her bullshit swimwear launch. As I stated before, I
don’t know a tit from a hole in the ground, so I’m not saying that Jessica’s boobs are fake.

But I do think they might be gay.

Smooch!

Julian


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2007

16

Jul

I am – stepLINKS of the Day

stepLINK July 16/07

I went out to see my friend today, who has a little boy that is maybe a year and half or so. I hate babies to be honest, but this one is getting to be at the age where he talks a bit and stuff so he’s kind of interesting. He’s not one of those ugly babies either, he lucked out in the gene pool for sure. There’s nothing worse then an ugly baby.

I don’t think I want to have kids. To be honest, the thought of a baby growing inside of me makes me sick to my stomache and want to throw up. If I could avoid the whole pregnancy thing and just get one whe he was 3, I probably would. Maybe I’ll adopt, but I dunno I really just think I;m way to selfish and irresponsible for that shit and the thought of getting some AIDS baby from another country to give it a better life and then not really giving it a better life would make me feel pretty shitty.

I had fun with the kid. We looked at books and talked to each other in baby language. Then he got a weird look on his face and I realized he was taking a crap during our quality time. It really grossed me out.

Big link dump today, no pun intended.


And the award for best photo-shopped pic of all time goes to….
GO

Hilary Duff has high standards.
GO

Ghost Ridin’ Miss Daisy
GO

Former playmate arrested for DUI
GO

Car Trouble?
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The Obvious Boner
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Mylene Klass in a bikini
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Life goes on….I guess…
GO

Drunk kids + Gun = Accidental Headshot
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Nerd chicks are hott
GO

Some hott Hawaiian model topless
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Celebslam Lohan story picked up by the NY Post
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More people hate Britney Spears everyday.
GO

Guy gets ear chopped off at Barbershop
GO

Praising the lord to the tune of Heavy Metal
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Borat – After the Movie
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Lohan has to wear an alcohol detecting anklet. Ha Ha.
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Some Thai actress shows a bit of her bush
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Rare Biggie Smalls freestyle from when he was 17
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Definition of White Trash
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More baby mama drama for Diddy
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Hot lady Soccer referee does Playboy
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Danni Minogue lingerie photoshoot
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I thought Criss Angel was fukking Cameron Diaz?
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Stunt Bird!
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Katie Price sets her phone to vibrate
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Michelle Trachtenberg is a cheerleader GO

Another America’s Next Top Model slut with no clothes on
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Luke, I am your ever-growing sense of inevitability
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Jessica Simpson upskirt
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Photo Bucket Whore
Thanks to the Rogue Collector
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The five scariest sets of celeb boobs
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Katherine Mcphee…Yummy…
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Lookin’ Good Sweetheart
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Rebecca Romijn married that fag from My Secret Identity
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Some hot chick is hot for HILLDOG
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Woody Allem is just like a father figure? Ummm..yeah…okay..
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Because people collapsing on stage is funny
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Donald and Rosie feud coming to an end. It’s a sad, sad day.
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CAT FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!! MEOW!!!
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Lookin’ Good Sweetheart
GO

BBQ at Justin Timberlakes
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Reporter takes of skirt to attack Bee
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Some chicks will do anything, because they are just stupid like that.
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Pregnant chick fights in the ghetto, just like my mom used to!
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Hayden’s mom is a MILF…Nice…
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Hot or Not?
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Sheriff Wifey wants to put you under arrest
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Lookin’ Good Sweetheart
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And today, in Charlie Sheen news….
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Implants, before and after.
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Samantha Ronson suing over cocaine allegations. Good for her. For Real.
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Britney Spears nanny sold dildos. Classy.
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Elizabeth Hasselbeck talks about peeing in her daughters diaper in public. Ew.
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What is Love?
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Winnie from the Wonder Years in Details Magazine
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Vicky Beckham disses Eddie Murphy. Ha Ha Ha.
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Find sex from the comfort of you mother’s basement
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Use this to help you loose your virginity finally
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Posted in:stepLINKS|Unsorted

2007

16

Jul

I am – stepRAP of the Day

Our NYC correspondent, Sugar Nell, has been doing a fantastic job rounding up stepTV for us, and today is no exception. I’m not sure where she got a video camera from and I certainly know she didn’t pay for it, but with her you never really know. Nell is a mystery like that, and that’s why we love her. Enjoy it while you can though, because my guess is buy next week she will be starving and sell the thing for food or booze.

Posted in:stepTV|Unsorted

2007

16

Jul

I am – Paris Hilton’s Post Prison Nip Slip of the Day

PAris Hilton Header

I’d like to write something hilarious about this and then veer off into some sort of story that seems unrelated at the start, but brings everything together in the end, but my wireless is fucking up again, and it just took me half an hour to load 3 photos and frankly, I’m pissed off.

So all you get is blondie here, with her nipples hanging out, like a pepperoni flying off an NYC deli pizza, as usual, and in the end, do I really have to say more then that?


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2007

16

Jul

I am – Paris Hilton's Post Prison Nip Slip of the Day

PAris Hilton Header

I’d like to write something hilarious about this and then veer off into some sort of story that seems unrelated at the start, but brings everything together in the end, but my wireless is fucking up again, and it just took me half an hour to load 3 photos and frankly, I’m pissed off.

So all you get is blondie here, with her nipples hanging out, like a pepperoni flying off an NYC deli pizza, as usual, and in the end, do I really have to say more then that?


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2007

16

Jul

I am – Kim Kardashian Bikini Pictures of the Day

Kim Kardishian Bikini

What’s up motherfuckers. I am not sure if you remember me. I am that asshole who abandoned you on the internet last week only to get some friends and family to post more content than I ever could, with more skill and style than I ever had. I guess what I did was throw some shit down to make you realize you don’t need me in an attempt to self-destruct the website so that I can spend my life on cruises that my wife wins at the grocery store because bitch is fat.

So far what I have realized on my trip is that I don’t have enough money to travel the way I want to travel. I don’t have any patience for flying and the whole fucking time I am in the air I think the fucking thing is going to drop out of the sky. I am not into places where people don’t speak english because it makes ordering a fucking drink pretty fucking impossible. I do like bikinis and all the hookers that are being thrown my way, not because I can even afford to bang one, or get hard for them and that is like putting a fat bitch in a buffet line where all the food is glued down to the table, but sex trade always makes me happy.

I feel pretty uninspired. Vacations make me stupid, I haven’t written a thing and feel rusty, just not as rusty as Kardashian’s ass after some black hip hop dude stuffs her like a Jamaican Patty without a condom on but I am never too uninspired to look at Kardashian tits in a bikini. This Armenian fashion accessory even haunts me when I am trying to get away from all this bullshit because her big tits distract me from the rest of her uselessness and as I have learned this week, good tits are good enough for me to overlook an ugly bitch….

Point of this post is to say that Internet on a cruise costs money and no matter how good this post coulda been, it’s never going to get there because I am on a budget… Now back to my stepdaughter Marie Eve, who is doing a great job. Cuddles.

With Love,

Jesus Martinez
Drunkenstepfather.com
On Vacation…


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