2006
02
Jun
This dude passed out in the corner of a party, pissed himself, woke up, went to the bar and drank more, started dancing with a hot enough bitch. She probably didn’t realize he was covered in piss, because he was using Pheromone Spray. I just threw that in cuz some fucker thinks the site is a shell to sell pheromones. So click the link and buy some because they work so well, even pissing yourself won’t fuck up your game. Motherfuckers.
Posted in:stepPHEROMONECHALLENGE|Uncategorized|Unsorted
2006
02
Jun
If guys wanting to bang you was a guage of how much of a whore you are, Jessica Simpson would probably one of the biggest whores in Hollywood. But things don’t work that way. To all the girls reading this, I guarantee at least one guy has jerked off to you. Now that guy could be your school teacher, your stepfather, your brother, the neighbor or a kid in your class. I know you want your crush to be jerking off to you, but shit rarely works like that. It’s always the weird people you come in contact with. Think about the weird someone can do while masturbating, you know some dudes like shoving things in their ass, others like wearing women’s panties, other’s may like pain and smash their dicks up with the kitchen drawer or whatever something equally fucked up, all while thinking of you.
I love cameltoe – i think it’s fucking hot and here’s some Jess Simpson Cameltoe pics.
Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted
2006
02
Jun
I don’t know this movie guy. He’s one of Grover’s friends and I am willing to post anything anyone sends in. He’s going to write on movies and I figure it’s a good service to you. Speaking of service, I was standing outside of a cha-chi bar, next to the roped off enterance, as I do, when some drunk as shit motherfuckin’ cha-chi asked if I was the doorman, obviously I laughed in his face, cuz I laugh in the face of employment. Anyway, dude ends up calling the boucer who was at the top of the stairs, saying “I give you lots of chocolate, now open the fucking roped off enterance for me.” The bouncer rushed to open it for him. Turns out he was the club owner, and doesn’t like to open gates for himself. He stumbles into his Range Rover and drives away. Point of the story is black people will open doors for you if you give them chocolate. I am not racist, I just hate myself and here’s the movie post:
Selby on Film
Okay, I’m here to write film. And in doing so I’ve decided not to write about any silly new age fall in love with someone in a different time at a lake house located somewhere in Podunk Illinois with actors who once sweated with each other in an early 90’s action blockbuster. Yikes that was a long sentence. I’m here to write about Hitchcock and how every time you go to Blockbuster or Hollywood video (I don’t need to criticize any one who already goes to their kick-ass neighborhood rental shops with film majors behind the register) to fuck the new releases and head straight to the classics. The classic I recommend is Alfred Hitchcock’s North by Northwest. This film takes place in three or four different cities and involves two of the best action scenes in the universe of film.
The first is the drunken car scene. Before Cary Grant gets behind the wheel he is unwillingly fed a pint of whiskey by a young, sinister looking, Martin Landau. I always thought Martin Landau was a great actor, and let me tell you, he acts his fucking face right off in this one. Ooh, wait till you get to climax at the top of Mount Rushmore where he stands on the hand of silver fox Grant, man is he good. Okay so after Grant gets ripped he is put in car. Ya see, Landau and co. want him dead and thought of no better way then to get the man drunk and put him behind the wheel of a car located on the curviest hill in North America. We know this because the backdrop of the car dramatically shifts from left to right as Grant steers in a drunken haze to get to safety. Of course this movie was made in the fifties so the special effects are on about the same level as the Andy Milonokis show. It’s truly hilarious, from Grants drunken facial expressions to the poorly synchronized movements of Grants wheel jerks and the movement of the backdrop. And of course the hero makes it the bottom where he is picked up by the local pigs and brought in for drunk driving. Grant is questioned and then soon released by the cops. I guess drunk driving use to be cooler then it is now, no wait…its still cool.
The second scene I’d like to discuss is the plane scene which takes place somewhere in farm land U.S.A., probably one of the Dakotas. The plane scene involves a frantic Grant running from a plane that is trying to kill him, and no, not with guns or bombs, or even stones released from far above the ground. The plane is actually trying to run him down, now that’s some fucking commitment. Anyway the plane ends up driving into a parked gasoline truck. Ha, man that’s great, you gotta be a shitty shitty pilot. Well, anyway it’s fantastic and I’ve already written too much, so just go out and rent it to see this classical brilliance yourself.
Alright kids, take care and god bless.
stepMusic Bonus:
Talking Heads – “Psycho Killer” (Save Target As)
stepCELEBRITY Picture Bonus: Jennifer Aniston
Posted in:stepMOVIES|Uncategorized|Unsorted
2006
01
Jun
The thing I love about Mariah has nothing to do with her insurance policy on her legs, it’s got to be with the glamour she exudes. This bitch is so fucking glamourous that she can’t do normal things without looking looking like a fucking idiot. That’s how glamourous she is.
The thing that I love about dogs is that they love the smell of period and everytime they are around a bitch who’s bleeding they sniff the box. That always makes me laugh.
That’s the story I heard. Assholes.
Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted
2006
01
Jun
The thing I love about Mariah has nothing to do with her insurance policy on her legs, it’s got to be with the glamour she exudes. This bitch is so fucking glamourous that she can’t do normal things without looking looking like a fucking idiot. That’s how glamourous she is.
The thing that I love about dogs is that they love the smell of period and everytime they are around a bitch who’s bleeding they sniff the box. That always makes me laugh.
That’s the story I heard. Assholes.
Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted
2006
01
Jun
Tits, tits tits, all I ever post about is fucking tits. I do it for the traffic and despite popular beleive this isn’t a pheromone site. They are just nice enough to give me money to pay my servers and my lawsuits when Nike, Jack Daniels, Miller and fucking Axe Deoderant spray turned my site down. Apparantly I write the word CUNT too many times for “Management” to approve.
Do you remember this bitch? You used to jerk off to her in the 90’s. I wasn’t jerking off in the 90’s. I was too jacked up on whatever I could get my hands on. It was a good 10 years, I don’t remember much about it, and that’s probably why it was good.
Her name is Victoria Silvstedt and I once sold some Swedish guy named Svena 40 bag of coke. Rumor is he’s her brother. I just made that rumor up. What I do wonder is why breast implants don’t work like donating your organs to science after you die. Why can’t a poor bitch have tits too? It’s just not fair.
Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted
2006
01
Jun
Grover’s back with a brand new music post, and by brand new I mean dated. He likes to talk about music that was recorded in the 30’s and 40’s and that’s okay, because I listen to bluegrass and spreading the word on how it is going to be the next hipster sound is important to my band “State Prison Rodeo”. If you’re wondering why I know hipsters are going to fall in love with this bluegrass shit, it’s simple. They are always trying to find the next cool thing no one is onto. And since everyone has been programmed to hate country…they’re all gonna start getting hard for it, remember it always starts with one.
I think Jesus has mentioned a few times that I now live in North Carolina after leaving New York a few years ago. My music career didn’t pan out for me and now I live in Appalachian country. One of the best things that was born in these hills was the music and a couple of inbred kids with no feet. Appalachian and country music is probably the hottest music in the scene right now, the mainstream are just too busy dancing to electro and railing lines of coke.
A revival of the music came about with the soundtrack of “O’ Brother Where Art Thou.� Gillian Welch., possibly the best artist of all time came out of that movement. She sings like an angel and seems to have grown out of the hills themselves.
Welch is really from New York and LA, and her parents wrote for the Carol Burnett show, but that doesn’t make her music any less perfect. One of Welch’s influences is The Carter Family, which if you haven’t heard, you should. I don’t care what kind of crap you listen to – you need to check this out.
And for those of you who don’t know, The Carter Family includes June Carter, who Reese Witherspoon portrayed in “Walk The Line.� Here are a few songs from Gillian Welch’s first album, Soul Journey and a few Carter Family tunes that I enjoy.
Gillian Welch- “Look At Miss Ohio.�
Gillian Welch-“I Made A Lover’s Prayer�
Gillian Welch-“Make Me A Pallet On Your Floor�
The Carter Family-“Single Girl, Married Girl�
The Carter Family-“Can The Circle Be Unbroken�
Bonus Some Pictures of Hipsters Posting
Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted
2006
31
May
DrunkenStepfather What Should I do?
Dear Jesus,
I really want to hook up with a hooker, but I really can’t afford one. I haven’t worked in years and I am a hurting motherfucker. I have fucked many girls, all of them were whores but none of them were professionals. Since I am broke, how can I get with a hooker? Keep in mind that I am so poor that I can’t even afford to eat! I look forward to your advice.
Drunken Stepfather – Guide to Free Sex with Hookers
All girls are hookers. Not because they reek of syphilis, or because they are sprawled out on the street corner looking for a piece of crack that may have fallen from their once tight fitting clothes. Addiction’s a bitch, but it is a great way to suppress the memories of being molested by that male figure in your life. You know, your teacher, uncle or if you’re lucky your father. Either way, girls all love money. I never see a rich ugly guy with a fat bitch on his arm. The fat bitches who no one wants are left for people like me, factory workers by day and internet celebrities by night. It’s some kind of survival of the fittest type shit.
Not all hookers are crack addicted victims of molestation. They aren’t all girls who work the street, willing to suck any stranger off for $20. Those are just the kind I like, but that is because the suffering in their eyes and the uncontrolable twitching gets me off. This isn’t about me, but I hate wallet-fucking bitches, who don’t realize that they are whores, because they hold down good jobs, but only sleep with rich dudes, I hate high-class escorts who overcharge and think they are the prettiest thing to hit your bedsheets, but since you probably don’t own bed sheets, I can get back to the orignal point of all this.
I have spent many nights with street whores, or what I like to call the “REAL DEAL�. Some of the more intense relationships in my life have been with prostitutes and that is not because I fear commitment or because I find STD scares exciting, but because I like victims of society, it reminds me of how fucked up the world is, but more importantly of my life on the streets, feeding my dog banana peels and spending days jacked on crystal banging the useless filth most people are scared of. In my time, I have learnt a few tricks that may be useful to you, if you are looking for ways to get free sex with a hooker, you fucking pervert. Take this advice:
I am going to be posting the Advice in Sections, Because I was told it would be easier to digest.
Drugs:
By my definition, paying for a hooker means that there is no cash transaction. Getting high with one implies that you are just showing her a good time even though that most hookers value drugs more than money, it’s not like they actually have rent to pay or food to buy. Trust me, this bitch does not have a mortgage or cable bill to deal with. Their lifestyle is all about getting fucked up, so if you’ve already stooped so low that your willing to stick your cock in this dirty, surprisingly wet hole, you might as well fully engulf yourself and smoke crack with one. The best way to approach this situation is get a hooker to a safe haven, either a hotel room, if you can afford one (rich kid) or a quiet alley, tell her straight up that you are going to hook her up with some rock. She will go for it and give’r, however I like to take this shit to the next level and by next level I don’t mean condomless, I was never into risk, I mean get her a little more than high, session that bitch until she overdoses, then fuck her while she’s convulsing. Not getting paid by you will be the least of your worries if she lives. Get up, walk away, and you my friend just had sex with a hooker without paying.
Kidnap her Kid:
Last time I checked kidnapping was illegal, so I don’t suggest that you really kidnap her kid, I wouldn’t want you to get arrested, but more importantly because she doesn’t know who her kid is, thanks social services! Remember prison fucking sucks, and one good hooker blowjob is not worth all the cock you’ll be sucking, so try to keep this as legal as possible. In this situation you need to be able to talk, you have to ask her questions about her past, her kids and where they are now. The hooker is your information source, so ask as many questions as possible, but don’t make it obvious, throw in some filler questions to throw her off. You are dealing with a crackhead here, so once you have the dirt on her, use it against her, reiterate everything she told you, but forgot she told you, because she’s a crackhead and she will start to get paranoid. She will completely forget that she told you how old little Miguel is, who the father is, why social services took him away, once she believes you, drop the bomb and tell her Miguel is being held hostage and that you want to cum in her face as ransom. If it is the only way to save little Miguel, bitch will have your dick in hand in no time! The only time this doesn’t work is when the whore is a teenage runaway and hasn’t had a kid yet, if this is the situation tell her that her mom died, emotionally fucking her up, filling her with guilt and in her raging tantrum, sneak out of the room. Don’t feel guilty, you just did her a favor, it’s not like her mom ever wants to see her failure daughter again anyway.
Taste Test:
The taste test is what all drug dealers do before a big deal, you walk in with the cash, but they always want to do a couple of lines with you before you leave. The same applies to whores, but it’s a little harder to work because you have to befriend the pimp or play one whore off the other. You have to go to a location that has a dense whore population, and get them to try to solicit you for business, make it very clear that you are more than ready to pay for the “time of your life� and your excitement will be enough to get their juices flowing, the opportunity to make money, no matter how often they suck cock in a given night is what drives them, so make them believe you are going to pay. You are the consumer and like every good consumer you want to hook up the best deal, so get them trying to “one-up� each other on what they are actually going to do to you. Eventually you are going get offered bonus, usually in the form of a blowjob, so the trick is to coordinate getting a blowjob from each of them as a mechanism to determine which one is worthy of your dime. Once you cum, either convince he bitches that neither of them made the cut and you’re going to test out the tranny-whore down the block, or more importantly start a fight between them, and when they are beating the shit out of each other, make your move, but watch out, these people have no desire to live, so the fights get out of hand. A variation of this is befriending the pimp, get him to trust you, which may mean giving him business in the past, or having dirt on him, that could get him in trouble with the law. If he feels like he owes you a good time to either keep your mouth shut, or as a promotion “buy one, get one free�, or ideally because he likes you, then he will hook you up with a slut, it’s his currency. He even gives his dad whores for father’s day, it’s just the way he works. But getting on a pimps good side is next to impossible, their walls are pretty hard to break down, but once you do, you’ll be in free stripper sex heaven.
Hooker with a heart of gold:
Everything with a Uterus, no matter how rotted out it is, has a hormonal inclination to make and raise babies. All the drugs in the back alley can’t take away this physiological predisposition a woman has, even if bitch is fucking crazed from syphilis and too cracked out to formulate a comprehensible sentence, she will always be ready to breast feed and nurture anything, nothing can stop that. The trick here is to tap into that motherly instinct and it isn’t easy, because although your penis is 3 inches, she will not buy that you are a needy child no matter how hard you suck her titty. You have to find common ground, make her feel for you, make her believe you have only stooped this low because your mom was never part of your life, the more you convince, the more likely she will start lactating and from my experience a mother rarely charges her kids for the hottest blowjob of your life. If she’s convinced this blowjob is the one thing you need to go on living, the philanthropic and motherly needs everything with a vagina has, will feel like she’s doing the right thing. It’s not easy to get a money hungry addict to oversee a fix, but it can be done, and it will be, just plan your sob story in advance and try not to laugh when she falls for it, which you won’t because I know you’re really sad.
Marry Her:
Offer her a warm meal and a shower. I am not talking about actually taking this bitch home to your parents and I would never suggest that you fall in love with a hooker, even if she’s the only girl who has ever talked to you. It really isn’t your fault your social skills are not up to snuff, you have spent your life scared of the opposite sex and this isn’t going to change overnight. So once you establish that you aren’t going to actually ask this girl to be your wife, you can get started but it has to be very clear that you will never be seeing her again, this is a one orgasm deal. The best strategy to get a stripper to think you will solve her problems is to offer her a warm shower. You do not want to bring them back to your house, because they will steal from you, so it is a great strategy to pull when you are house sitting for friends. Tell the bitch that she’s the prettiest thing you’ve ever seen, show compassion for her life of hard living and most importantly, get her to think you can offer her an out, because no one really likes spending a life of sucking dick for money, except maybe your sister, but that’s just because she’s a slut. Once the hooker believes your lies of a future together, she will never be able to bring herself to charging you, give her a fake number because you are “going our of town� for the weekend and go your separate ways. If you do not have the skills needed to have a hooker , who is down on herself and vulnerable to fall for you, you’re a lost cause and should give up on a quest for pussy. Remember her hopes for real love will be more than enough payment, and you officially just got a whore for free. Manipulating people is always fun.
Make Her Famous:
Everyone wants to be famous. People see that as a major out to all their problems both financially and emotionally. Fame seems to be a fantasy for everyone, and that’s only because the downside of fame, in comparison to the upside of lux living is really not that relevant. It would be unrealistic for you to promise her a record deal, especially if bitch can’t speak English, but it is possible to focus on what they do, which is sex for money. Being a pornstar is a hookers dream, they aren’t dreaming of world tours, they would just be happy making $1000 a week. The strategy is simple, tell them you run a porn site that will pay more than double what they make a day, all they have to do is continue what they are doing, only in a safer environment. The fact is that she’s never been on the Internet and what she knows of it is that a lot of people make a lot of money on the net. She will never know that you don’t run a site, because the internet is anonymous and more importantly, dot com millionaires are all dirty lookin’ people, just like you. Selling her on the dream is enough to convince her that now is a great time for an audition, and in this case the audition is her fucking you. Tell her that all the girls you have taken off the streets are millionaires now and they you can really turn her life around. You have the upper hand, and she will be eager to show you the talents she’s worked so hard developing. Remember when you are done say “I just made you famous, bitch�. If she’s good at what she does, who knows you could very well get her working for you, but this is not about career advice.
Getting a hooker to fuck you for free is easy, you just need to play on her insecurities and manipulate the shit out of her, I am not talking about manually manipulating the shit out of her, only because whores don’t shit, they are too constipated from all the drug use. There are no guarantees that this advice won’t get you killed, I will admit that few people have the talent I have in this environment, but dude, I think you can pull it off and remember a free hooker is a hell of a lot more rewarding than taking the bitch from the coffee shop out for dinner, only to slam her and deal with all her shit about wanting a relationship. This is good advice, but the success is all up to you. Cuddles!
With love,
Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com
Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted
2006
31
May
There’s something really disturbing about the Social Distortion song being used in the trailer for the Break Up movie. I am not hard for Mike Ness like most girls with tattoos were 10 years ago, but I did have a couple of their albums and I just find it weird hearing music from years ago in mainstream media today. I guess that goes to show you that if you keep up the hard work eventually someone will pay enough attention and put your song in their TV show or movie. I think I first heard that album in ’94 or someshit, so those same tattooed bitches who were 18 and going to his shows then are 30 and decision makers now. The point of all this is to say I hope some of you motherfuckers are decision makers somewhere, because I am going broke fuckin’ fast and although the bitter poor Jesus Martinez makes everyone laugh….selling my computer and not posting wont. I am not saying it will have any impact on your life, there are only 10 readers here, but I am saying no more me. You can go back to your fluffy little website and help the likes of Perez Hilton and PinkTrent find boyfriends and spots hosting TV shows. Some people deserve celebrity. Other people deserve AIDS. You decide.
In the meantime, check out some Cindy Crawford on the beach pics. She’s wearing some Star Jone’s style outfit and you can’t see anything that would make you want to titty fuck her. But you can jerk off to her husband’s belly button or if that’s too gay for you, you can always tap into the memories of jerking off to her when you were 13 year old virgin listening to Ball and Chain or something like that….cunts.
Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted
2006
31
May
Smoking is officially banned in the city I live in. No more smoking in bars. End of an era or some shit. I quit smoking 6 months ago. I am just one step ahead I guess. Speaking of smoking, I saw some crackhead with BBQ Tongs, a ziplock bag and a disgusting rash on his leg. He was collecting cigarette butts off the street. He had about 100…I guess one man’s trash is another man’s treasure or whatver the fucking expression is. The next freakshow I saw was topless in stripped bike shorts and a fanny pack carrying a bouquet of flowers and a top hat that said 2000 on it, I assume motherfucker went nuts at y2k and hasn’t looked back…..Last crazy bitch I saw today was walking around in rubber boots yelling at cars for polluting the world….and now for the link dump.
Amateur Porn Always Makes Me Happy (By Happy I mean Horny)
Paris Hilton’s STDs (Almost a Funny Joke from my new favorite Celeb Site)
The Hilton Family Rockin’ Out at a Madonna Party(money doesn’t mean class)
Farmer Sells Toilet Seat Paris Hilton’s Ass Was On
Pheromones Work – I have Proof – Get Pussy And Support this Site (Send In The Stories!)
Reese Witherspoon is Pregnant Again, Because She’s a Slut
I know this bitch Mia won’t fuck you, but maybe she’ll donate her egg to your infertile wife (VERY HOT)
Weird Midget Porn (Not Safe for Anywhere)
Robin Tunney’s Wearing A See-Through Top (who?)
Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted
