Smoking is officially banned in the city I live in. No more smoking in bars. End of an era or some shit. I quit smoking 6 months ago. I am just one step ahead I guess. Speaking of smoking, I saw some crackhead with BBQ Tongs, a ziplock bag and a disgusting rash on his leg. He was collecting cigarette butts off the street. He had about 100…I guess one man’s trash is another man’s treasure or whatver the fucking expression is. The next freakshow I saw was topless in stripped bike shorts and a fanny pack carrying a bouquet of flowers and a top hat that said 2000 on it, I assume motherfucker went nuts at y2k and hasn’t looked back…..Last crazy bitch I saw today was walking around in rubber boots yelling at cars for polluting the world….and now for the link dump.

Amateur Porn Always Makes Me Happy (By Happy I mean Horny)

Paris Hilton’s STDs (Almost a Funny Joke from my new favorite Celeb Site)

The Hilton Family Rockin’ Out at a Madonna Party(money doesn’t mean class)

Farmer Sells Toilet Seat Paris Hilton’s Ass Was On

Pheromones Work – I have Proof – Get Pussy And Support this Site (Send In The Stories!)

Reese Witherspoon is Pregnant Again, Because She’s a Slut

I know this bitch Mia won’t fuck you, but maybe she’ll donate her egg to your infertile wife (VERY HOT)

Weird Midget Porn (Not Safe for Anywhere)

Robin Tunney’s Wearing A See-Through Top (who?)

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Grover is back with a stepMUSIC post. He was away from the computer this weekend for some kind of retreat in Maine…Retreats in Maine sound like some kind of obnoxious hippy shit, but I don’t ask questions. The dude knows music. I was just watching Dr. Phil and this mother hates her 7 year old because she is fat and has a skin disease. She doesn’t spend time with her, she spends her time with her cute daughter though, buys the cute one designer clothes, has birthday parties for her at hotel suites all while the fat rashed one gets treated like shit. She doesn’t even have her own bedroom….anyway Grover is like my ugly daughter, only I don’t mind hanging with him in public, because he doesn’t have a vagina. This is what he had to say today….

A little while back I was watching this show on television called “Lost.� One of the characters was on a show with Jennifer Love Hewitt a few years back, although for some odd reason, I can’t remember the name of that show. What I do remember is watching “Cant Hardly Wait� with Jennifer Love Hewitt and being pissed off that someone named a movie after The Replacements song of the same name. I already hated Jennifer Love Hewitt. Her starring in a movie that stole the name of a song by one of the greatest rock bands of all time would only make me hater her more. I felt like she was one of the worst people in the world, ever.

I did sit through that movie and they did play the song during the ending credits. It was an awful fucking movie. I find it amazing amazing that Jennifer Love Hewitt is worth MILLIONS of dollars because a of her her chest is a larger than yours. That is the ONLY reason she’s famous and rich. It’s pathetic Paul Westerberg on the other hand is the coolest motherfucker in the world.

Here are some other Replacements songs.

The Replacements-“Can’t Hardly Wait�
The Replacements-“Androgynous�
The Replacements-“Bastards of Young�
The Replacements-“I Will Dare�
The Replacements-“Gary’s Got A Boner�

Bonus: Jennifer Love Hewitt Pics

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It would be pretty obnoxious for me to say I am a comedy writer because of this site, mainly because it isn’t funny. I do tell girls in bars who I am trying to get naked. I know that you wouldn’t think being a fat comedy writer gets you back to a girl’s apartment where she proceeds to shave her box for you, but it works a hell of a lot better than “I have a blog”. That blog line is the tested formula for instant rejection, understandably. I rarely go home with the girls, I do it to massage my ego, I am a married impotent man and I don’t follow through on the bar scraps I meet. Speaking of marriage, here’s Chris from American Idol fighting with his fat wife. We all know where this is going to end up. Divorce. A relatively talented dude from a small town gets his big break to live the life he always dreamed of, only a little later in life than expected, after he accepted his fate of being a nothing and marrying a d-rate chick. Knocking her up and hating everything about it, but dealing with it because there really is nothng else to do…This dude now has the big break and a little fame and bitches all over the country probably want him inside them and he knows that the potential of fucking tons of hot girls, after trading the old busted model that is his wife in. She is the one thing standing between him and fun. But he’s a nice guy and feels like he owes this baggage a chance, because building up to the whole American Idol thing he told her he was loyal to her and wanted no other, now that it’s said and done and opportunities present themself . We all know that he will crack. He’ll be caught fucking some hot slut, and wife will be on the next flight back to whatever trashville they are from. Here are pictures showing the demise of thier marriage. In case you didn’t know….failed marriage is always comedy so technically – I just wrote comedy. See I never lie to the bitches.

Bonus:

Watch Chris Sing Stone Temple Pilots on the Street

Watch Chris and other Idols Out Signing Autographs After a Night Out

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It would be pretty obnoxious for me to say I am a comedy writer because of this site, mainly because it isn’t funny. I do tell girls in bars who I am trying to get naked. I know that you wouldn’t think being a fat comedy writer gets you back to a girl’s apartment where she proceeds to shave her box for you, but it works a hell of a lot better than “I have a blog”. That blog line is the tested formula for instant rejection, understandably. I rarely go home with the girls, I do it to massage my ego, I am a married impotent man and I don’t follow through on the bar scraps I meet. Speaking of marriage, here’s Chris from American Idol fighting with his fat wife. We all know where this is going to end up. Divorce. A relatively talented dude from a small town gets his big break to live the life he always dreamed of, only a little later in life than expected, after he accepted his fate of being a nothing and marrying a d-rate chick. Knocking her up and hating everything about it, but dealing with it because there really is nothng else to do…This dude now has the big break and a little fame and bitches all over the country probably want him inside them and he knows that the potential of fucking tons of hot girls, after trading the old busted model that is his wife in. She is the one thing standing between him and fun. But he’s a nice guy and feels like he owes this baggage a chance, because building up to the whole American Idol thing he told her he was loyal to her and wanted no other, now that it’s said and done and opportunities present themself . We all know that he will crack. He’ll be caught fucking some hot slut, and wife will be on the next flight back to whatever trashville they are from. Here are pictures showing the demise of thier marriage. In case you didn’t know….failed marriage is always comedy so technically – I just wrote comedy. See I never lie to the bitches.

Bonus:

Watch Chris Sing Stone Temple Pilots on the Street

Watch Chris and other Idols Out Signing Autographs After a Night Out

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Someone emailed me telling me that I was a modern Bill Hicks, I thought he was talking about the cowboy in that HBO western series, the one who got shot playing poker, so I didn’t write back because I hate wasting my time on stupid disses. I get them all the time. After a sober afternoon, I realized that I was the idiot and that the cowboy I thought he was calling me was actually named Wild Bill Hillcock not Bill Hicks. I know this is a fucking amazing story so far.

It turns out that Hicks was a comedian and since I never followed the comedy circuit, I was in the dark on this shit. I generally hate comedy shows because I hate hearing the same jokes over and over. I hate seeing people try to make people laugh with canned jokes. I hate that it is always rehearsed and it is just boring as shit. But that’s not the point, the point is that since people (1 person) is saying that this Hicks dude is a lot like me, I had to listen to his work. He died in 1994 of cancer at the age of 32, he does a lot of social comentary and it’s interesting enough, when you keep in mind that it is 17 years old. He has this one joke where he explains how an ex girlfriend motivated him to do what he does, because he thinks to himself that one day she will end up living in a trailer park, poor only to turn on the TV and see him on it. I once dropped that line to my first girlfriend who dumped me and broke my heart, so it was funny for me to hear that everyone or at least Hicks thinks the same way as me. My girlfriend went on to god knows what, and it’s been 15 years and I still haven’t made it on TV. I was always embarassed of my trailer park ex gf story because it’s a lot like American Idol rejects screaming “I’ll make it without this show, you’ll see me in hollywood one day and you’ll be kicking yourself….” Thanks Bill Hicks for opening up my heart to my useless readers. Just because you’re dead, doesn’t mean you’re not a fucking asshole.

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There were a few things that already depressed me today. I don’t really remember what they are because I am nursing a hangover, that I shouldn’t have because I only drank 6 drinks last night. But for some reason I feel like I was just prison-raped. I had to turn off the TV because The View was killing me. I remember watching the season of Survivor the shoe designer Elizabeth was on…I totally wanted to bang her, but like every useless suburban girl, she got married and had a baby before the age of 30. It’s a fantastic way to turn me right the fuck off. I am sure that’s why she did it, because I really have that much of an impact on people. I guess what it comes down to is that I am attracted to younger girls, and marriage and babies are too fuckin’ heavy for me to deal with and the 30 year olds who aren’t married and who don’t have kids are all fucked up mentally, because they know their body is telling them to make babies, but their mind is telling them to focus on their career, and to fill that confusion, they fuck like mad. So I would have to go with the the under 25 if I had a choice, still in university, they have little to no responsibility, they are tight bodied and they would only sleep with me while drunk or roofied up. The point of all this is to say that I don’t have the luxury of having these kinds of choices, I am the guy girls call a creep, but Joss Stone is a singer and in a Bikini with her Black boyfriend (or just some guy)….So how about you look at those instead of reading my trash.

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As I sit here at 10:30 am, watching Taylor Hicks rockin’ his new single on Regis and Kathy Lee, looking at Nelly Furtado Bikini Pics, getting ready for The View, talking to girls on my AIM who won’t get naked/send me naked pics, I realize life totally sucks. I also realize that interviews with people on these shows are so fuckin’ repetitive. Anderson Cooper is telling the world a story he already told on Oprah 2 weeks ago. I think it’d be nice if he could deliver some fresh content. He’s making the same joke about his mother giving bad advice growing up. I feel like I am repetitive too. I post 5-10 posts a day and there’s really only so much social observation I can do. I want to apologize to the readers for pullin’ an Anderson Cooper on you.

Now, Nelly is rockin’ a sexy little bikini, something a little unnecessary for a bitch who just had a baby. The classy thing to do once you give birth is to dress a little conservative. No one really wants to see the definition of your after knowing the motherfucker’s been ravaged by a baby months ago. I guess the reason she lacks class is because she is Portuguese, and Portuguese people are fisherman. I hate to generalize, but I can guarantee that there’s a lot of over-compensating Portuguese people, in fancy suits trying to deny their roots….they don’t realize that no matter how expensive your tie is, you can’t deny your roots…and you’re not fooling anyone. Now – The Furtado pics.

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It was a holiday yesterday for all you motherfuckers, so I did a few posts and ended up drunk at the local bar. My nutritionist told me not to eat carbs for a month, because I am fat and dying so that means no beer, bread, pasta, fries, and all the other good shit I would normally eat so I just got drunk on Vodka and lettuce instead. In getting drunk, I neglected the link dump, so what better way to start your day back to the office or wherever you are with a couple of links. If you got anything for me – send it here

Her Tits Could Feed All the Kids At The Homeless Shelter

So You Think you Can Face Plant –

I have a shower fetish, but I don’t like implants. (NSFW)

Tom Cruise’s Baby Doesn’t Exist

Low Budget Action Movie Like The Matrix (11 minutes long)

Beyonce has Bikini Wedged Between her Fat Ass

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You just know when someone is going to famous. You can tell in how they walk and that they know they have something you don’t and that they stand out.. I have only known one person who became famous, he was a weird kid with a guitar growing up. He admitted to bisexual dreams when he was young in a time when gay wasn’t accepted by the world. That’s not the point of this post though, the point is that there are so many talented, eccentric people out there who potentially have what it takes. In every every city and small town there is someone who is better looking and more talented that you. But only a select few get chosen to go on to fame. It’s not because they are the best, but because they know the right people, work hard for their dreams of fame, or like Jessica Simpson cater to a small market of Christian rock in hopes that some Jew for Jesus executive of a record label sees dollar signs around her nect instead of her obnoxious crucifix. Nothing falls in anyone’s lap, so if you’re sitting there at home reading this, hoping for someone to knock on your door with your dump truck full of money and a 6 movie/ 10 record deal…keep fucking dreaming.

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You just know when someone is going to famous. You can tell in how they walk and that they know they have something you don’t and that they stand out.. I have only known one person who became famous, he was a weird kid with a guitar growing up. He admitted to bisexual dreams when he was young in a time when gay wasn’t accepted by the world. That’s not the point of this post though, the point is that there are so many talented, eccentric people out there who potentially have what it takes. In every every city and small town there is someone who is better looking and more talented that you. But only a select few get chosen to go on to fame. It’s not because they are the best, but because they know the right people, work hard for their dreams of fame, or like Jessica Simpson cater to a small market of Christian rock in hopes that some Jew for Jesus executive of a record label sees dollar signs around her nect instead of her obnoxious crucifix. Nothing falls in anyone’s lap, so if you’re sitting there at home reading this, hoping for someone to knock on your door with your dump truck full of money and a 6 movie/ 10 record deal…keep fucking dreaming.

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