Jaime Pressly is a hot mom out in a bikini. Sure she looks like she’s had a ton of plastic surgery, but I am all for people trying to better themselves by hiring a surgeon to play God on their faces. I am not one of those people who is out lookin’ for natural beauty, sure I hate fake tits, but I just like lookin’ at skinny chicks, even if they have faces that look like they crawled out of the septic tank, or an eating disorder, but that’s just because I’ve been so absorbed in obesity all these years that I am earning to rub my balls against a hot pertruding rib cage and spine on the back of a girl so hungry she can’t resist my sexiness.
I wasn’t going to cover any Emmy Awards shit because the Emmy Awards are fucking lame and it was my attempt in protesting them. Reality is that I tried to watch them yesterday because I figured it would inspire me to hate the world more than I do or maybe even take the 4 hours of my life away from me. I promised a reader that I would live-blog but that didn’t happen. Life lesson, never trust a drunken Mexican.
I first tuned in on my neighbors TV during the pre-show red carpet shit and saw the fag from Queer Eye doing fashion play-by-play like it was a fucking sports show. I thought the concept was stupid and was forced to change channels, but that was after I saw lesbian Ellen and her wife who is not so lesbian but realizes that eating Ellen’s pussy is good for business, being interviewed. Ellen was a manic weirdo who must have been jacked on something and it made me question why we let Lesbians on TV.
I tuned in again for the opening performance that was some Family Guy shit, Stewie and the dog were singing about how shitty TV is, I think I laughed a few times but I was drunk and don’t really remember. I do know that I like Family Guy and think it’s the best written show, so I hope they won something.
Ryan Seacrest came on and didn’t make me or anyone in the audience even crack a smile. His jokes weren’t jokes and it was nice to see his Seacrest ship sink, I can only hope this continues in the next events he is involved in, because his demise is well deserved. He’s a 5 minutes of fame gone wrong situation, you know the kind of dude you hate that gets on some Dating Show but somehow turns it into years of success when his talent only should have got him to the elimination round….
The second Ray Romano came on was the second I turned the shit off. I hate his voice and seeing him on TV reminded me why I don’t watch TV. I used to go crazy everytime his show came on, I am talking throwing shit at the TV to make the pain stop.
I also kept catching my neighbor staring at me while rubbing his leg, and despite being all for dirty old men, I can’t accept dirty old men giving me the eye mainly because I am not into gay but also because I am disgusting looking and anyone giving me the eye whether man or woman is clearly fucked in the head and someone I don’t want to be around…I felt like I accidentally walked into some kind of secret gay man hook up zone like a public bathroom that fags use as a meeting place to fuck while their wives are out shopping or some shit…and despite it being more exciting than the Emmies, I still had to get the fuck out.
Here are some pictures of the event:
Christina Aguilera and Her Pregnancy Tits
Eva Longoria and Her Mexican Ass
Hayden Panettiere and Her Floppy Tits Hiding Under a Tent of a Dress I can only assume she wanted to wear adult sizes for once and this is the result
Heidi Klum is Living Beauty and the Beast
Jaime Lynn Sigler Brings Her Eating Disorder as Her Date
Jaime Pressly 4 Months After Letting The World Knows She Has Unprotected Sex By Having a Baby
Jennifer Love Hewitt Hiding Her Fat Ass We All Know She Has…
Kaley Cuoco Because She’ll Never Be On TV Again
Katherine Heigl is the Big Winner…Literally…
Kristen Bell Because I Don’t Know Who She Is…
Lisa Rinna Because She Hasn’t Been on TV for a Decade…But Her Fake Tits Get Her Past Security…
Maria Menounos Because She’s Greek and Takes it in the Ass
Michelle Pfeiffer is Old But Still Hotter Than Anyone You Know…
Phoebe Price Because Her Dress Has Windows
Portia DiRossi Because She’s a Fake Lesbian and We Like Fake Lesbians Because It Means They Will Let Us Fuck Them While They Eat Out Their Friends…
Teri Hatcher Because She Banged Ryan Seacrest
I am sure there are more, but this took me long enough to do and I am over the Emmy Awards….
Bonus – Christina Aguilera Performance with Tony Bennett
So you may have read in the stepLINKS yesterday that I am trying to figure out a way to ruin my friend’s wedding this Saturday, mostly because I know he doesn’t want to marry this bitch and is to chicken shit to say so. Some people emailed me in suggestions and I thought this one was quite clever, though I would have to practice peeing standing up, which when you are a girl, requires upper leg strength and excellent aim. Thats alot to master by Saturday
Bill S Writes:
You want to ruin it….. well then you should fuck the groom at the location of the wedding and then strip naked at the reception, on a table, preferably the one with the wedding cake on it and piss on the cake! 🙂 that should ruin the event
Here’s Jaime Pressly in a white dress that you can pretend is a wedding dress, since you are a virgin and will never get married anyways. Now print these out quick and go carry her over the threshold into your room to “celebrate your union” before your Mom comes up the stairs and asks you to drive her to afternoon Bingo.
Don’t forget the tissue, you don’t want to ruin that nice dress of hers.
hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez
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I am – Jaime Pressly the Birthday Whore of the Day GO
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I am – Lohan’s Pot Belly Takes a Walk of the Day GO
One thing Julien, our Token Gay Blogger, and I have always bonded on is that we both came from shitty homes with no money and even less morals and values. That being said, we love who we are, don’t deny it for a minute. Seriously, we wouldn’t change a thing. Okay maybe the money part.
This is what Jaime Pressly chose to wear on her birthday, which goes to show that no matter what happens, people never change. I don’t care how many fucking Emmy nominations she gets, she is and will always remain a white trash slut.
Now, I’m just as whorish as she is. You know that old STD slogan that goes something like “you’re not just having sex with that person but with everyone that they’ve ever been withâ€?. If that’s true, if you have sex with me your pretty much just fucked 3/4 of the gays in the metropolitan area. Having sex with me is pretty much the equivalent of picking up a half-eaten burger on the street and finishing it. I’m that used. And hey, I’m also fairly trashy. I come from the kind of household were Cool Ranch Doritios are fancy hors d’oeuvres and Miracle Whip is used as salad dressing.
But ultimately I am superior to her because the difference between me and Jaime is that while I am self-proclaimed white trash slut, I don’t fucking flaunt it. I’m not going to wear a fishnet bodysuit with a big whole in the butt cheek and makeup that makes me look like a Cuban hooker. Everyone knows that I’m trashy; I don’t have to rub it in their faces. Sometimes subtlety goes a long way.
I know saying this to somebody who was in the movie Joe Dirt is pointless, but Jaime, for the love of god, have a little class.
Smooch!
Julien
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