Spandex Archives Archive - DrunkenStepFather.com

2009

24

Aug

Kate Gosselin’s Lesbian Ass in her Gym Clothes of the Day

Like all good single people, Kate Gosselin is heading home from the gym in spandex shorts because I guess she’s tryin to get the last of her freak baby making uterus fat toned the fuck up to land top quality pussy at the lesbian bars, which almost surprises me because I thought lesbians were more accepting of fat chicks.
I mean based on her show and the way she bossed Jon around like a fucking drill sergeant, I feel like she’s the kind of dyke who likes to wear the pants and have the big biceps no one wants to fuck with. You know the one with the strap on dildo strapped on at all fucking time….
Or maybe she just wants to be in top physical fitness because there’s a lot of pussy out there that isn’t going to lick itself that she’s been missing on all these years she sold her soul to television by pretending to be straight for a paycheck.
Or maybe she has more pressure on her in the lesbian world because she’s gone out and had so many fuckin’ babies and to lesbian’s that’s a whole lot of fuckin’ baggage, but at least they won’t have to go thru the whole gay couple adoption process if they settle with her but more importantly, they will probably appreciate the good life breeding provided for her, you know overdosing on fertility drugs, finding a sperm donor after pitching a show to TLC and having a dozen kids has made enough money to buy even the most expensive construction boots and plaid shirts on the market….
I guess it all works out in the end, now stare at this babymaking lesbian ass while it pumps gas with it’s lesbian haircut and lesbian ankle tattoo into its lesbian SUV….which isn’t very new age tree-huggin’ lesbian of her, but I guess she’s gotta fit all the kids inside her, like her vagina fits 4 lesbian fists inside her at all the lesbian parties, something she thanks breeding for everytime the other girls get excited about her talent….

Posted in:Kate Gosselin|Spandex

2009

30

Jun

Sarah Palin in Some Spandex of the Day

15 Comments »

Ex Vice President candidates in her spandex workout pants bending over for some running magazine, but suggestive enough to make me want to mount her from behind like she was some kind of Alaskan caribou head I wanted on my wall.

I am seriously fading.

Posted in:Runner|Sarah Palin|Spandex

2009

30

Jun

Solange Knowles in Spandex for the Gays of the Day

2 Comments »

Solange Knowles, who has blocked me on Twitter, was in San Francisco for the Gay Pride parade, because being faggy every fuckin day isn’t enough of a fuckin’ celebration for these homos, that they need to be louder and more outrageous than they already are once a year.

I hear she got the gig cuz she looks like she may have a cock, or at least like she had a cokc at some point in her life, before using her sister’s money to Chastity Bono the shit….

I also hear she rocked the spandex outfit to remind the gays how lucky they are that they’ll never have kids cuz that shit rapes your body and ruins your life, but more importantly, that some women like Solange, who in all their glory are the reason they are fags to begin with. You know, vile to look at, probably disgusting to smell, with a vagina that looks like it’s from another planet, and not in an “Out of this world” way, but more of a “WTF Is that Dripping, Fleshy, purple thing pulsating in her motherfuckin’ pants”, you know enough reason to turn down pussy for life and choose to take a dick in the ass and AIDS lesions on your face.

Maybe I just can’t see anything sexy in her cuz I hate her, I mean other than that she’s a desperate single mother, and those are the easiest scraps to drag home at the end of the night…But I think it’s got nothing to do with me and everything to do with her.

Posted in:Catsuit|Solange Knowles|Spandex

2009

11

May

Jamie Lynn Siglier Spandex Ass of the Day

5 Comments »

This post is dedicated to any of you who used to jerk off to Meadow on the Sopranos or who still jerk off to the DVDs, because you’re probably wondering where she is now, since she hasn’t done much or really anything since then.

She pretty much disappeared off the planet, so I guess if anything, this is just ruining your fantasies about her by showing you that she’s a 28 year old and not 16 anymore, because ruining masturbation fantasies is part of what I do.

The real issue at hand is really why you would be jerking off to your Sopranos DVDs, if anything, it’s just fuckin’ weird, and you need to move the fuck on.

If you’re wondering why this post is garbage, it is because I tried playing off a joke that a motherfuckers jerk off to Meadow on the Sopranos DVDs, because I had the pictures uploaded, and nothing else to work with, but the chances anyone jerks off to Meadow on the Sopranos DVDs are slim to fuckin none, and if there is a motherfucker who does jerk off to her still, he’s the kind of guy who is hung up on the past, who cuts out all her pictures and tapes them to the walls of his one room apartment and who writes poems to her every night in hopes that one day she will answer me and sweep me out of this hell I live and bring me the good life like the angel I know she is…..I mean… here are some pictures of her in some spandex short pants.

Posted in:Ass|Jamie Lynn Siglier|Spandex

2009

25

Mar

Audrina’s Vagina Hits Up Australia of the Day

5 Comments »

Audrina brought her ugly face and tight vagina hugging pants to Australia to do some MTV bullshit, because MTV owns her robot ass, and she does everything they fucking tell her to because she doesn’t want to upset the banker. It really is a lot like prostitution, not that anyone ever had higher hopes for this bitch, everyone in her life is just just impressed she hasn’t accidentally killed herself drying her hair in the shower, or drinking draino because some told her it helps you lose weight, and by impressed I mean disappointed….

I got nothing more to say on this bitch. She does even remind me of anything worth saying, I guess just lookin’ at her makes me turn into an idiot….maybe that’s MTV’s plan to run the world by brainwashing us with her….Someone needs to put an end to this shit.

Posted in:Audrina|Spandex|Vagina

2009

10

Mar

Lil Kim in Some Leotard Shit for Biggie of the Day

1 Comment »

Biggie died a bunch of years ago yesterday, people made a big deal out of it. Diddy went from 10,000 to 100,000 followers on Twitter yesterday alone, because he’s managed to milk Biggie for all his life and death is fucking worth and make a killing doin’ it, while Radio shows did tribute sets to Biggie and Lil Kim did Dancing With the Stars and didn’t dedicate her shit to Biggie, despite him being the only reason her whore pussy can call herself a star. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t really care about Biggie or his death and I am not really sure why other people do, maybe it’s because they like feeling part of something, but if he was still alive today, I doubt people would label him as the best rapper of all time.

Sure the whole thing is boring and bullshit and so are these pictures of Lil Kim in her spandex rockin’ some Cameltoe Biggie stuck his tongue, dick, fingers and friends inside that I figured I’d post to jump on that Biggie is Dead bandwagon one day too late, which happens to be less days than I am normally late….

Posted in:Biggie|Cameltoe|Lil Kim|Spandex

2009

19

Feb

Kim Kardashian in Some Workout Gear of the Day

7 Comments »

You always see Kim Kardashian out in work out gear, you’d think she was trying to convince herself that if she puts on the clothes she’s halfway there to actually breaking a fucking sweat and getting her dumpy fucking body into some shape. Who knows, maybe on her intentions are legit and on her way to the gym, you know after telling herself that “today is the day”, she just gets sidetracked when she sees an Asian manicure place and by the time they are done on her mangled feet, it’s too late to work out, I mean especially since you don’t want to ruin the pedicure in her gym shoes, so she goes out for ice cream instead. You can’t really blame her for getting poor Asian women up on her shit and grinding her toe nails down, because she’s tried to do it herself but she just can’t seem to reach her feet, her gut gets in the fucking way.

Either way, she should probably be the one tending to a challenging foot, because god knows she needs the cardio.

Posted in:Kim Kardashian|Pedicure|Spandex|Workout

2009

07

Jan

Reese Witherspoon’s Mom Ass Fighting The Fat of the Day

7 Comments »

Reese Witherspoon is constantly out fighting her her obvious fate as a fat Southern mom and grandma, by the looks of these pictures of her working out, her ass is winning. Kinda like her vagina won in the fight to lock Ryan Phillippe down by getting pregnant during a drunken hook up while on the Cruel Intentions set, but they aren’t together now, and either is her new boyfriend and his one true love Heath Ledger, so I guess things that aren’t meant to be just find a way to not be, and soon she’ll be trading in these workout pants in for a pair of elastic band jeans from the plus sized store but not to work out in, just to walk around in, because that’s what happens when they don’t make clothes in your size. Just ask my wife..

Posted in:Mom Ass|Reese Witherspoon|Spandex|Workout

2009

06

Jan

Meagan Good’s Covering Her Nipples of the Day

2 Comments »

Meagan Good’s ripping off Rihanna in some borderline dominatrix shit, a look that makes me want to get on all fours, pull my pants down and wait anxiously for red hot metal object insertion. By the looks of it, she’s showing off her Kimbo Slice arms and using them as a make-shift bra to support her big tits, but I think she’s just a prude who is a lot more clever than the average celebrity and realizes that black shirts, no bras and a flash bulb invite the world into her big African titties and she’s making sure that doesn’t happen.

To be a famous black girl, you’d have to be pulling some miracle to get to this level of fame, so I don’t know why she’s trying to hide the fabric that is her, I guess the next step is skin bleaching treatments and a membership at her local tennis club because she’s a self hater who doesn’t embrace her roots and that break my heart.

Posted in:Ass|Meagan Good|Spandex|Tits

2008

26

Nov

Beyonce in Full Body Spanx on the Today Show of the Day

47 Comments »

In honor of Thanksgiving, I decided to post these pictures of a turkey, or someone who will probably eat an entire turkey tomorrow, because Beyonce is the kind of girl who just doesn’t like sharing and has the ability to clear a table stocked with enough fried chicken for a couple dozen people, but in her defense, she’s never been this physical in her performances, and that probably works up a mean appetite, you know making those who used to be shocked with how much she managed to eat before, she was doin’ nothing, totally blown the fuck away when they see what she manages to stuff in her face now, and it’s got something to do with her not wanting to share the spotlight with the younger, hotter Rihanna who I know she just can’t fucking stand, even though Rihanna’s career is making Beyonce’s divorce settlement a lot more lucrative, when she finally leaves Jay Z for two timing her.

Every time I watch her do this song and dance, I laugh because of the pain I see in her eyes. It’s like watching some morbidly obese person trying to get a new lease on life and taking their fat ass to the streets to burn off some calories, or like watching my wife trying to get off the couch. There is struggle and panting as heart is begging her to stop, but Beyonce won’t listen, because if she does, it means Rihanna won.

At least she’s managed to find a full-body pair of spanx to strap her in and keep her fat from spilling out all over the fuckin’ reinforced stage, making the homeless people they kicked off their corner to throw this street performance even more pissed off, you know in a first they take their homes and now they’re rubbing how much food they’ve managed to stuff in their faces in their face, while they sitting there starving, cold in mismatched shoes waiting for it all to end..

Here are the pics.