Perez Hilton and all the other gay celebrity bloggers are much more successful than me. So I decided to take this site up a notch and get myself a gay writer. But since I am funny, I decided to upstage those scared, hiding behind their computer, haunted by memories of having no friends in highschool faggots by making my gay writer black and jewish.

Here is his letter to Perez,

dear perez hilton,

i hate your guts. your blog sucks. your love for the colour pink is more disgusting than your love for bareback sex. how much money did you steal from your mom in order to pay for your meth habit. its really sad that the meth was the only thing keeping you thin. now that youve hit it big (literally) cant you afford a trainer?

your blog is an excuse to immerse yourself in your work because no one loves you. not even diane. stop hiding behind your fat and be the fairy you were meant to be. when was the last time you even got laid? trannys dont count.

your blog unlike your herpes covered cock will hopefully not be around forever. no matter what paris tells you, that shit stays with you for life.

i’m coming for you fatty. tell your mom, your spic of a dad and all your d list friends. sitting at the cafe day after day will lead to more weight gain. its bad enough your kids will have 2 dads but for one of them to be fat too..c’mon and for christs sake do you really think that perez is a better name then mario.

perez is the mexican that mows my lawn and mario is the cha-chi that unclogs shit from my platium encrusted toliet bowl. maybe a happy or gay medium between the two would be more appropriate like marez or perio. you seem to be good at putting names together, you figure it out.

god hates two things, fags and bloggers. you happen to be both. enjoy your stay in hell, tell paris and kimbo stewart i say hi.

Stay Loose.

Visit him on Myspace GO

Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

Another star has sent in a little blurb on Kimmy Stewart. I feel like I have said all I have to say about this bitch and it gets fucking repetitive for me, so my friend Kerne sent in a little something on kimmy stewart. It made me laugh and since this is my site, I am posting it.

Ps Kerne knows hot bitches and introduces me to them all the time. So if those hot bitches are reading this…Hey Ladies…wanna make out?

Now here’s Kerne’s post…

any man that wears purple is a fag. if youre gonna pay some douche bag to be your boyfriend make sure sucking dick isnt on his list of things to do.

poor kimmy, when will she ever get her dues. her dad hates her, paris hates her, her stylist hates her and now this.if hes in for the fame and money, hes barking up the wrong bush. anybody that has to resort to hanging out with tara reid is not someone that can make you famous.i can make you famous and i wont embarass you by wearing purple.

take those shitty ass extenstions out. horse hair is not hot. paris should not be your idol. stop trying to be her. do something differnt. be a brunette. dont be a slut. hire rachel zoe. she did wonders for lindsay and nicole and she can do the same for you. start doing coke.i can barely see the bones in your back. anorexia lands you the cover of us weekly. fucking fags gets you the hiv.

get your priorities straight. haha, that was funny. point is a man is known by the company he keeps. you kimmy have no company, so no one gives a fuck about you. your invited to parties for the same reason they invite the waiters. you are the hired help. you clean up the coke tray like no other. even lindsay has her limits. look where she is now. dating one of the richest kids in america.

my question to you is: what do you do? what is your purpose in life? what are your goals? when is your album coming out? sucks that paris beat you to the punch. bitch you just got screwed. theres only so much i can do. take it or leave it. if you like where your life is right now then by all means stay on the d list but vh1 will not give you your own show. just like you, im counting down the days until rod croaks. if you continue this he might pull an aaron spelling, clean up now or you’ll be left serving assholes like me at the ivy when you get your first job as a hostess. dont expect a tip.

He forgot to mention the most important thing which is that Kimmy Stewart looks like daddy ran over her face with one his Rolls Royces between fucking models while ripping lines and writing shitty music when she was a baby. She seems to have grown into her deformities and I don’t just mean her tennis ball titties…

Visit Kerne on Myspace GO

Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

I got a myspace message you’ll want to read. It is from DJ TEK…

Dude WTF? why the hell are you talking shit about me to Lindz when you don’t even fucking know me and by the way I’m not a fucking fag asshole!!! get your shit straight! cuz I said “gosh” according to you that makes me gayer than bicycle shorts thats fucking lame bro

I hate drama so please don’t start up shit with me!
next time you think of insulting someone you don’t know think about it, like I ever did anything to you

Later, [O][::][O] -DJ TEK

I would hate to be a fag’s asshole, that shit sees a lot more than I’d ever want to see…but that’s not the point. The point is that saying “Gosh” wasn’t why I said you were gayer than bicycle shorts, it was just part of the reason why.

You can add signing your name with your 2 turntables and Mixer icon [O][::][O] and having a Bob Sinclair song as your profile song along with all your homo DJ TEK pictures in your Myspace profile not to mention coming after me like a little girl for leaving a comment on the fake Lohan myspace page to the list of why you are Gayer than Bicycle Shorts. Using the word Gosh, or any of these things alone just makes you a cunt, putting them together in a pot we call DJ TEK makes you Gayer than Bicycle Shorts.

These are the myspace comments I left on Lohan’s page that he is referencing….

DJ Tek said gosh. Told ya he was gayer than bicycle shorts. That’s why I am the septic tank cleaner of all media and by all media I mean of shitty websites. Since I am too scared to leave my house and can’t afford cable, shitty websites is all media to me.

That may not make sense. It happens. Cuddles.

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

and…

you have hideous taste in music- my only restitution is that you banged whoever that was.

with love
jesus martinez

PS-DJ Tek is gayer than bicycle shorts.

These were his comments that made me make my comments…on lohan’s myspace…

Hey lover hows the wrist? hope your doing Ok I guess you won’t be typing sending me sexy comments for a while huh? well let me know how your doing whenever you get better!
Luv ya bitch feel better! -DJ TEK

and…

Hey Skeez WTF I though I was the only
DJ in your life? that totally sux! hahaha j/k gosh you didn’t even send me a pack of ciggs 4 my 20th b-day
that reminds me I haven’t had one in like 10 whole minutes haha oooh maybe a glass of wine to go with that fuck I might as well drink the whole bottle and don’t worry I’ll have some on your behalf since your not here.
🙁

Later Skeez <3 ya [O][::][O] -DJ TEK COMMENT BACK 4 ONCE! 🙂 LOL

Visit Him On Myspace GO

Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

I got a myspace message you’ll want to read. It is from DJ TEK…

Dude WTF? why the hell are you talking shit about me to Lindz when you don’t even fucking know me and by the way I’m not a fucking fag asshole!!! get your shit straight! cuz I said “gosh” according to you that makes me gayer than bicycle shorts thats fucking lame bro

I hate drama so please don’t start up shit with me!
next time you think of insulting someone you don’t know think about it, like I ever did anything to you

Later, [O][::][O] -DJ TEK

I would hate to be a fag’s asshole, that shit sees a lot more than I’d ever want to see…but that’s not the point. The point is that saying “Gosh” wasn’t why I said you were gayer than bicycle shorts, it was just part of the reason why.

You can add signing your name with your 2 turntables and Mixer icon [O][::][O] and having a Bob Sinclair song as your profile song along with all your homo DJ TEK pictures in your Myspace profile not to mention coming after me like a little girl for leaving a comment on the fake Lohan myspace page to the list of why you are Gayer than Bicycle Shorts. Using the word Gosh, or any of these things alone just makes you a cunt, putting them together in a pot we call DJ TEK makes you Gayer than Bicycle Shorts.

These are the myspace comments I left on Lohan’s page that he is referencing….

DJ Tek said gosh. Told ya he was gayer than bicycle shorts. That’s why I am the septic tank cleaner of all media and by all media I mean of shitty websites. Since I am too scared to leave my house and can’t afford cable, shitty websites is all media to me.

That may not make sense. It happens. Cuddles.

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

and…

you have hideous taste in music- my only restitution is that you banged whoever that was.

with love
jesus martinez

PS-DJ Tek is gayer than bicycle shorts.

These were his comments that made me make my comments…on lohan’s myspace…

Hey lover hows the wrist? hope your doing Ok I guess you won’t be typing sending me sexy comments for a while huh? well let me know how your doing whenever you get better!
Luv ya bitch feel better! -DJ TEK

and…

Hey Skeez WTF I though I was the only
DJ in your life? that totally sux! hahaha j/k gosh you didn’t even send me a pack of ciggs 4 my 20th b-day
that reminds me I haven’t had one in like 10 whole minutes haha oooh maybe a glass of wine to go with that fuck I might as well drink the whole bottle and don’t worry I’ll have some on your behalf since your not here.
🙁

Later Skeez <3 ya [O][::][O] -DJ TEK COMMENT BACK 4 ONCE! 🙂 LOL

Visit Him On Myspace GO

Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

C.T. is a star and this is an email he sent me about Nicole Richie on her birthday weekend. I am posting it and I am considering making this a regular feature because sometimes this site is a little too much Jesus Martinez, if you know what I mean….which you don’t because you are an idiot. Here’s C.T.

An Inspiration to all of you fat people, Nicole Richies emaciated legs.

Every time you think of picking up that greasy slice of pizza use the photo above as an inspiration to stay thin. Do you really think Nicole even took a bit of her birthday cake? No fucking way! But we should not critisize her for being thin and not eating, we should praise her for providing inspiration.

Inspiration to be mini. Inspiration to be skinny. Inspiration to be frail.

Okay….visit C.T. on Myspace GO

Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

C.T. is a star and this is an email he sent me about Nicole Richie on her birthday weekend. I am posting it and I am considering making this a regular feature because sometimes this site is a little too much Jesus Martinez, if you know what I mean….which you don’t because you are an idiot. Here’s C.T.

An Inspiration to all of you fat people, Nicole Richies emaciated legs.

Every time you think of picking up that greasy slice of pizza use the photo above as an inspiration to stay thin. Do you really think Nicole even took a bit of her birthday cake? No fucking way! But we should not critisize her for being thin and not eating, we should praise her for providing inspiration.

Inspiration to be mini. Inspiration to be skinny. Inspiration to be frail.

Okay….visit C.T. on Myspace GO

Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

Nothing says pervert like cropping pictures of Mischa Barton drinking an iced coffee drink to make her look like she’s sucking dick. We all know that bitch isn’t into sucking dick because her boyfriend is a woman. He may be named Cisco but he isn’t asking girls to see their thong tha thong thong thong. That’s the story I heard.

I have spent my weekend getting drunk and calling celebrities. Nicole Richie told me to fuck off and never call her again, while Paris is keeping up the lie that her name is Alex and that she is concerned about my imaginary internet girlfriend named Brenda. If you don’t know what I am talking about , read my archives you unloyal piece of shit readers. I have been messing with what we all think is the real Lohan on myspace, I like to call her Singalohan because all these bitches from Singapore pretend to be celebrities on myspace because let’s face it, life in Singapore will lead anyone to do weird things.

I was offered a $50 ad deal for an e-book. I didn’t take it because $50 won’t even pay for a date with my wife to McDonalds, let alone my server and rent and food. Thanks for the offer though.

Lastly, I saw Jackass and it made me laugh. Look at me, I’m a real fucking blogger now. I feel like a 15 year old girl telling the world about how her daddy hates her and how she cuts herself and has had 4 abortions because it’s the best form of contraceptive. Only I don’t have a the tight little body, designer jeans and and breasts that touch the sky like Kanye West. Cuddles.

Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

I meant to post this yesterday, but got side-tracked. I wanted to say that all the Jews were running around the streets Friday because it was one of their holidays and none of them went to work. I wanted to say that that is a typical Jew thing to do…you know have their own vacations and use the christian ones too, but then I realized that my lawyer is Jewish, so Happy New Year or whatever it is you say in HEEB.

I wanted to talk about how I ran into my local homeless dude who I last saw punching himself in the face and is now missing a tooth and I wondered what happened to it.

I went out and got drunk last night, only to learn that hipster parties make me feel awkward. That didn’t depress me, but made me think to myself that drinking is sometimes more fun alone. I sent a lot of text messages to the celebrity numbers I have, but deleted them before I went to bed, I sent a lot of text messages to people I know, I’d apologize for that too, but it’s all part of the fun in knowing me. I like to think of it as their personal blog entries in their phones at 4 am.

And now for my links:

Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

If Perez Hilton is the Queen of all media , and Howard Stern is the King of all Media, does that mean they fuck? Are they going to have a public marriage like Princess Diana and will Perez get killed by a jealous paparazzi for stealing his photo, while Howard get’s girls to ride the sybian? I don’t know what that was supposed to mean, but I like to think of myself as the septic tank cleaner of all media and by all media, I mean this site is BIGGER THAN VICE and VICE probably makes a solid $20,000,000 a year and I’m making somewhere around $2,400 a year. My server alone costs $4,800 a year. You do the math.

I hate getting all business on you, but it is a Jewish Holiday and figure my Jewish readers at home reading this can call on some favors from their rich uncles. I know VICE doesn’t only make money off the website, they have the magazine and the record label and a brand name that 16 year old girls love, but even if they pull in 100,000 a year off their site, I should be making more the $2,400. Ya heard?

Speaking of poverty and septic tanks, here’s some pictures of Juliette Lewis looking FANTASTIC and by fantastic I mean, like a poor hungry person who just swam through the septic tank looking for undigested corn and nuts and such to eat for dinner. Most of the time, posts don’t need my rambling, this is one of those times.

Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

If Perez Hilton is the Queen of all media , and Howard Stern is the King of all Media, does that mean they fuck? Are they going to have a public marriage like Princess Diana and will Perez get killed by a jealous paparazzi for stealing his photo, while Howard get’s girls to ride the sybian? I don’t know what that was supposed to mean, but I like to think of myself as the septic tank cleaner of all media and by all media, I mean this site is BIGGER THAN VICE and VICE probably makes a solid $20,000,000 a year and I’m making somewhere around $2,400 a year. My server alone costs $4,800 a year. You do the math.

I hate getting all business on you, but it is a Jewish Holiday and figure my Jewish readers at home reading this can call on some favors from their rich uncles. I know VICE doesn’t only make money off the website, they have the magazine and the record label and a brand name that 16 year old girls love, but even if they pull in 100,000 a year off their site, I should be making more the $2,400. Ya heard?

Speaking of poverty and septic tanks, here’s some pictures of Juliette Lewis looking FANTASTIC and by fantastic I mean, like a poor hungry person who just swam through the septic tank looking for undigested corn and nuts and such to eat for dinner. Most of the time, posts don’t need my rambling, this is one of those times.

Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted