I am probably the most sexually frustrated internet celebrity, not because I am sex obsessed and impotent and the only naked bitches I get to see are my fat wife and strippers who charge me money I don’t have to grab their fake titties….I am probably the most sexually frustrated internet celebrity because all the other bloggers are virgins, and you can’t miss what you’ve never had….if you’re a virgin and 25, jerking off is your sex, and when that gets boring like fucking your wife night after night for 20 years, you just give it up and focus your energy on celebrity gossip, TV and collecting DVDs. That said, I was talking to some dude who lined up a 3-some on New Years Eve, the very same New Years that these pics of Aguilera were taken, and after he got the girl into his hot tub naked, and after they started making out with each other and sucking on each other’s tits, dude moves in for the hotter girl. Rule number 1 of threesomes is that you focus your energy on the ugly girl, cuz it will make her feel sexy and give the hot one a complex forcing her to put more effort in. Anyway, dude focused on the hot one, the ugly one got jealous and made what could have been potentially an amazing ring in to the New Year, I’m talking better than Ryan Seacrest, if that’s possible, into a jerk off session like you had…

I guess the point of my story is that I have no point, here are the Aguilera pics.

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I spend my life walking around trying to observe as much as I can to bring back to this site and write about, I spent all of last week turned off and life was a lot more fun, because instead of looking for funny and thinking about how I need to remember the funny for the site that never comes across as being as funny in writing, I was living…That said, I have no fucking idea what to write about. I know that I’ve had a lot of good things to tell you fuckers but I just keep forgetting and I don’t think it’s got anything to do with being drunk.

Jessica Alba is probably the hottest celebrity out there, I think she may be a little overrated but her body is solid, her face is nice and she’s banging some dude who isn’t you. So stop fixating your energy on these celebrity sluts, and find a local slut in your hometown who will actually let you bang them…because I am sure every town has it’s own Jessica Alba, not that she’d date you, but at least you can climb up the tree outside her bedroom and watch her shower. Here are the most recent Alba bikini pics in Miami, because celebrities are lazy and like beaches and so do I.

See the HQ pics HERE

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I’d like to wish 2007 a happy birthday. I’d also like to thank IMDB for teaching me all kinds of interesting things today. Like that this bitch was married to her manager in 2002 and goes by his WOP named DiScala and that she had an eating disorder, which makes sense, because anyone with hips like that should have body image issues. I bet she wishes that her hips could lie her into a size 2….That joke didn’t work out as well as it could have. I also found out that Carly Simon sang at her wedding, and that I was wrong in thinking she was married or related to Paul Simon, when she is actually the daughter of Simon from Simon and Schuster publishing….

This is where I stop writing and post the pics, you’re welcome because big hips or not, she’s worth a round, but I generally have no standards, so that may not be saying much.

and some more…

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After watching the ball drop, I headed out to some shitty hipster party I was told was going to be the place to see girls flashing their tits and sucking cock in the bathroom like I read about on the Internet. I showed up there at about 1 am and there was a massive line-up. Every dude was wearing a hipster fur hooded jacked and I made friends with some really awkward looking tall guy who couldn’t understand why the party was 35 dollars to get it. I got up to the security guard and tried to convince them that I was on the DJs guestlist, because I didn’t have 35 dollars, unfortunately my new found awkward friend fucked all that up for me when he told the bouncer that my name wasn’t the one I gave them, because I know there’s always a Phil on guestlist…Either way, I didn’t get in so I just walked back home in the cold wet rain. At least I woke up to Jessica Alba’s ass….

I find the bitch over-rated, but I find a lot of things over-rated, so that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t post them because let’s face it, this site isn’t about what I want, it’s about what you want. I’m nice like that. Happy New Year fucker.

These are the rest of the pics:

More HQ pics HERE

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I don’t really think anything eventful happened last night, I remember watching the ball drop on ABC while Dick Clark fumbled the countdown because he’s had a stroke and I guess people with strokes sometimes have trouble counting. I haven’t watched the Ball Drop in years, I was usually out being crazy, causing trouble, seducing prostitutes with 10 dollar bills but since my dick has gone south, there really isn’t much worth doing.

Speaking of money, here are some pics of Michelle Trachtenberg in her bathing suit. I can only assume she’s vacationing in Florida, because that seems to be what Jews do during the Christmas vacation….this is a one-piece and I don’t know what she is hiding, but I am sure none of you will ever find out…I can only assume it’s her dreidel and by deidel I mean cock.

Maybe I’ll post more later, and maybe my posts will actually be funny and worth reading, but you’re asking a little too much out of me on this Glorious and Magical January 1, 2007 of the day, because my posts are never worth reading. Cuddles.

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Happy New Year all you useless cunts who visit this site only to write me hate mail. I’d thank you for making this site possible, but you really haven’t contributed shit. Any advertiser I email says that they aren’t trying to reach the kind of people this site reaches, so it’s pretty much your fault that I am living in a one bedroom apartment, stealing money from my wife and barely getting by…Either way, if I was you, I wouldn’t support this site either.

I hope your New Years was good and that you are hungover, and have 6-8 weeks of anxiety about whether that whore you banged without a condom gave you an STD. Speaking of STDS, I went into my sitemeter to see what my 15 most popular posts were of the last 6 months were. This doesn’t mean these are my best posts because I am sure if I went through the archives I’d find posts that were actually funny, but traffic is my only way to judge….I feel like doing a link dump to my own content is the only way to bring in the new year because I am pretty fucking amazing, according to me.

To a better 2007 because 2006 sucked. So be safe and send me nude pics of your girlfriends, it’s kinda my fetish. CUDDLES. Motherfuckers.

I just clicked on these and they are really not my best posts at all. I type so much in a fucking day I don’t remember the golden content that I have brought you, but I do remember the I liked making random people famous, text messaging Nicole Richie, making stupid stepTV clips, sending random myspace messages to people and the week I had “stepRULES” of life. I also had fun the month of May when stepSTEVE lived on my couch…I expect 2007 to be a lot fucking better with less hacked email accounts, less stolen computers, less haters, more money, and ideally finally making myself famous. Keep reading.

With Love,
Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

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I don’t know what the fuck happened to my site, but I keep getting an “Internal Server Error”. I called the hosting company and they can’t help me, so I guess this is the end of Stepfather as we know it. I thought I was going to have a big break like the emo 20 year old homo I saw on 20/20 last night who got a show on fox because of a shitty video he made called Myspace the Movie that got big on youtube back when it was easy to be the top YouTube video.

If any of you have good deals on Videocameras, email me. I may have a sponsor to get stepTV to take over the world.

Until then, here’s some links….

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