DrunkenStepFather.com - I'll Make You Famous…

2014

06

May

Alyson Michalka in a Bikini of the Day

I don’t’ know who Alyson Michalka. I just know that he name has come up for what must be a decade, where she was one of those jailbait for Disney kind of girls who middle aged men jerked off to because their kids made them watch the low level show…

I do know that they are no longer jailbait, but rather middle aged, mom looking girls, with rocking bodies, and plastic surgery that makes them up on some Real Housewife shit…and none of that bothers me, because she’s half naked in a bikini…and really I look at nobodies in bikinis all day, whether they were somebodies who never were anybody or not is irrelevant thanks to TITS.

Posted in:Alyson Michalka

2014

06

May

Lexi Boling for Vogue Italia of the Day

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Lexi Boling is some American model I’ve never heard of and she’s making big movies being wrapped in plastic bullshit for Vogue Italia, because when you’re an aspiring model, you do whatever Vogue Italia says, since it’s better for your career than taking free pics for a bikini company for an instagram shootout…

The pictures are cool, butI guess people are either running out of ideas when it comes to photoshotos, even the major top photographers like Steven Meisel who shot this, or maybe the fashion industry is trying to launch new trends and styles….like wearing plastic see through dresses over bikinis…who fucking knows…I just assume this girl, like all the other models, would have worn dog shit if he told them to, because now she can say she shot for Steven Meisel and Vogue and in turn can request more money…for model nudity than she did before…

I’m into it. Keep up the good work.

Posted in:Lexi Boling

2014

06

May

Chrissy Teigen is a Chubby Drunk Attention Whore of the Day

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Chrissy Teigen is a chubby, drunk, attention whore who has probably made 3 dollars modelling the last decade, since locking down John Legend and thinking she was responsible for his career, cuz she got in there early…

She’s also an unstable, depressive drunk, who looks like she may be pregnant, with a pug face, and not in a cute pug face way, who hates this website..because I called her out on being low level, and a wallet fucker, because that’s pretty much what she is..she even went to her blog to write about it…

You see, when you date any successful musician, scamming your way into Sports Illustrated is easy…because she was a bikini model at one point, for billabong, int he fucking 90s….for one season catalog…that’s all she’s ever done other than being a funny clown with big tits on social media all day, because you don’t actually work, and it allows you to seemingly feel more important than you are…even when you’re not….you know the kind of girl who will end up on her own reality show…which I guess is more important than I’ll ever be…but I can still sit on the sidelines and laugh at her silliness…and I will…even though I think we’d make lovely, life long friends, if she wasn’t such a fucking hater….because as you know, I like girls who get in their bikinis, with big tits and rich husbands to finance my drinking…

Posted in:Chrissy Teigen

2014

06

May

The Rooster Attached to a Penis Artist of the Day

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His name is Steven Cohen and he’s amazing. His art involves him attaching a Rooster to his penis, where he goes out in public, and constantly gets arrested for indecent exposure, even though he’s an artist, and clearly people just don’t respect or appreciate his ART….because maybe, just maybe, his art is less about art and more about him being an exhibitionist freak who should be charged with indecent exposure, even if he’s dressed in a clown costume…

All this to say, I think he’s awesome…

Posted in:Videos

2014

06

May

Izabel Goulart Juicing Porn of the Day

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Izabel Goulart makes juicing seem far more erotic than the lesbian with hair armpits who works at the cold press juice bar….up on some organic penis hating vegan shit…

It’s like put a babe with a rocking body in a cowboy shirt her model implants spill out of and I’m motherfucking sold on whatever the fuck she’s selling. Whether it’s organic, healthy living bullshit she suggests I follow, not because I want her body, or believe it will make her fuck me, or make me look healthy and live longer…but because I like staring until the people around me feel uncomfortable…but more importantly, because I want to trap other girls who want too look like her and who dress like her, but who aren’t famous, who work 9-5 jobs, and who are attainable since they aren’t her…

Posted in:Izabel Goulart

2014

06

May

Heidi Klum vs a Popsicle of the Day

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Heidi Klum is doing the whole popsicle sucking thing that you’d expect a Lolita style seductress to do at the hotel pool for some traveling salesmen sitting next to her, intentionally to piss of her dad, get a reaction, and because at 18 a bitch likes the power she has when she figures out how easy it is to seduce men…only Heidi Klum is 100 years old, making it hardly very erotic, especially when she posts it to her instagram in a “HEY LOOK AT ME I SUCK POPSICLES IN BIKINIS – LOOK AT ME – I STILL GOT IT – EVEN AFTER SEAL DESTROYED MY VAGINA WITH HIS MASSIVE PENIS AND A DOZEN BABIES THAT’S WHY I WEAR A SKIRT INSTEAD OF BIKINI BOTTOMS”…because sure she’s hot for 100 years old, but if I want to jerk off to her, I’ll just google her old stuff….not that I’d ever jerk off to her, there’s too much fresh vagina out there, ready to suck popsicles for instagram who I would rather see.

Posted in:Heidi Klum

2014

06

May

Woman Squirts Breast Milk into Office Milk carton of the Day

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This is my kind of office employee, no only does she wear a hot slutty outfit to the job, but she also sabotages everyone’s coffee by squirting breast milk into the milk carton.

I am going to assume this is a hidden camera fetish video, because I have a boner watching it, and not an actual behind the scenes security video of a crazy worker but maybe, they just work at the best office ever.

This shit is HOT…

Posted in:Videos

2014

06

May

Candice Swanepoel Pretends she’s a Cat of the Day

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There’s a fetish in Candice Swanepoel getting paid between 10,000 and 50,000 dollars to be the face of some brand I assume is asian where they dress her up as a cat and provide giant humans sized cat toys to play with for the fucking perverts…

We call this an example of where modelling meets fetish prostitution, you know where money will make a girl take a creepy fucking thing and make it all seemingly ok…and I am all for that…because any excuse…to be a fetish prostitute works for me…

IT’s like throw many at a bitch, and she’s down. Everyone’s got a price.

Posted in:Candice Swanepoel

2014

06

May

Madonna Rejected Outfit of the Day

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Madonna, in being Madonna decided to make the Met Ball about her, by posting a picture that instagram would normally ban an account for, but not when it is Madonna because she’s Madonna…and I don’t really understand the context of what she wrote as the caption…

What i wanted to wear to Met Ball but Anna said not this year! So I’m gonna work on music instead?

I just know it happened…and it really isn’t fap-able- so why fucking bother posting it…because celebrity nipples or titties tied up like it was bondage scene, that even at 60 are interesting enough to look at, even though I am sure this isn’t her outfit at all, but rather just an old pic!

Posted in:Madonna

2014

06

May

Taylor Swift and Karlie Kloss are Total Lesbians of the Day

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You know what they say, girls who get ready for events together are totally shoving things in each other’s asses while licking their vaginas…as lesbians do…

Taylor Swift has run through so many dudes that it’s time for her sexual deviance to hit fashion / lingerie models I guess…

Or maybe, they are just two girls leveraging each others success, who are truly just friends with each other, and who aren’t filming at home fist videos as lesbians do…and really if they were lesbians, it’d be a good storyline for her constant broke heart to sing about.

Ultimately, it’s Taylor Swift, who cares.

Posted in:Taylor Swift