DrunkenStepFather.com - I'll Make You Famous…

2013

21

Mar

Amanada Seyfried for Tatler Russia of the Day

I thought Tatler was a hardcore porn magazine, but it turns out I was wrong. It happens sometimes. Especially when it comes to porn magazines, since the last time I jerked off to one was 1996, in a magical era before the internet….

So I was pretty excited to see Amanda Seyfried showing the pic, I figured when you’re not nominated for an Oscar that Anne Hathaway won for being in the same movie with a less important role, you step up, break down, go to the extreme.

But it turns out that Seyfried remains boring as fuck, while still hot as fuck, in a career that I appreciate cuz she gets naked and fucks, when not doing Disney Movies. She’s everything Lohan was but better. That’s probably why Lohan hates her.

Posted in:Amanda Seyfried

2013

21

Mar

Jonas Brother Has a Sex Tape with Blanda Eggenschwiler of the Day

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Joe Jonas has a sex tape with Blanda Eggenschwiler…his girlfriend at least according to This Site ….

I bet on Kentucky derby that it’s just typical behavior for a overpaid manufactured lie. I remember when those 3 little queers pretended to be virgins, with purity rings, to sell records and market themselves as these wholesome people so Christian parents can buy their records.

It was pretty obvious that prior to this sex tape, they were using sex tapes on each other, while high on poppers back stage before their shows….and after their shows…with groupies….

The sex tape was made earlier this month in a room at Park Tower, a hotel in Buenos Aries, Argentina. Blanda, who describes herself as model from Switzerland, is traveling with the Jonas Brothers while they are on tour in South America.

At the beginning of the video, Joe and Blanda are sitting on the bed together. They are both drinking and smoking pot, and Blanda explains to Joe what she is going to do to him in detail.

They proceed to engage in multiple sex acts utilizing a variety of sex toys, including a large dildo, a gag ball, and a slapper paddle. Joe participates willingly, but seems less sure of how to use the sex toys, as well as how they will be used on him. He does not enjoy being paddled. At one point he has had enough and cries “Owww! Don’t do that anymore!” Blanda is the more dominant one in the video. At one point she inserts the dildo inside of herself, orders Joe to “lick my p**** juice off of it,” and he complies.

The story may be a lie, but I’m posting it, cuz I want to see it. Not because I’ve always had a thing for Jonas Brothers, but because I have a thing for Sex Tapes.

I am also in Blanda Eggenschwiler climbing the ladder with her vagina…let’s hope this is real deal. I’m ready for it.

Here are some pics stolen from her instagram – she’s hot and I want to watch her get her fuck on.

Posted in:Blanda Eggenschwiler|Joe Jonas

2013

21

Mar

Girls Aloud Final Performance of the Day

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Girls Alound have broken up….

I am going to assume no one really gives a fuck. I mean they were a one hit wonder band in the UK from a decade ago that I am going to guess very few people have actually heard.

The only real reason we know who they are is because Cheryl Cole, the hot as fuck one, the babe with prison tats, pulled a Beyonce.

She married a famous footballer and looked good while doing it, getting her in the tabloids and on some Simon Cowell tv shows, because they vacation in Barbados together.

They are old, tired, boring, but I’ll predict they’ll be back, one day in the future, when a group of Japanese kids find one of their old albums and re-invent them like they were Abba or the Beegees.

Bitches like this do anything for money. I mean, they are all essentially strippers who lucked out to begins with.

That said, if you’re not too sad to click this link… HERE ARE PICS OF THEIR LAST PERFORMANCE

I’d say it was the end of an era, but it’s really not. This break-up will have zero effect on the music or entertainment scene in any fucking way.

So long friends, may your journey be filled with hooking, in some capacity or another.

Posted in:Cheryl Cole|Girls Aloud

2013

21

Mar

NFL Cheerleader Accused of Grabbing 12 Year Old’s Penis of the Day

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Best news story ever…or at least for today:

A former NFL cheerleader has been charged with aggravated sexual battery after allegedly grabbing a 12-year-old boy’s penis outside his pants … and attempting to perform oral sex on him.

42-year-old Elizabeth Garner — who cheered for the Tennessee Titans until 2009 — was also charged with solicitation of a minor for rape of a child.

According to law enforcement, Garner — who is married — is accused of following the 12-year-old to the bathroom during a party last month hosted by the boy’s mother, grabbing his penis over his shorts … and attempting to remove them in order to perform oral sex on him.

The boy escaped, told his mother what happened … and the mother then informed authorities. According to police, the boy said Garner asked if he’d ever been with a woman.

During a police interview, cops claim Garner willingly admitted she approached the boy … but said she was drunk and had confused him with an (adult) man at the party. (We’ll see how that defense pans out.)

I wish shit like this happened when I was 12, but I was always the kid no one wanted to molest.

I appreciate her excuse “I was drunK”….which legally doesn’t really hold much of a defense when in court and being charged for sex crimes, like meeting a 17 year old off the internet in Florida one night after she seduced you on chat for the authorities…you know telling you what you want to hear….entrapment.

I also like “I thought it was an adult” cuz 12 year olds and 40 year old men have so much in common in terms of their build now with all the hormones in the food. I mean at the point between tapping him on the shoulder and asking him if he had been with other women before trying to suck him off, you’d think she’d realize he was 12.

Who are we to judge, maybe they do things different in pre-Teennesee.

More importantly, she’s a fucking ex NFL cheerleader, who looks like a hooker, it is not like she’s some top grade morally sound citizen….

Still a good story for her to tell her grandkids about one day.

Posted in:stepNEWS

2013

21

Mar

Candice Swanepoel for Vogue Spain of the Day

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Candice Swanepoel…..I mean…she’s fuckin aswesome. She’s got this fucking body that blows my fucking mind. Thin, fit and despite being statistically at risk for HIV thanks to South Africa statistics, I want to taste her without a condom, not that I’d ever use a condom, that shit just gets in the way of all the gynecological exams I give with my penis…

Either way, she’s showing off her body, pretty clothed, but still looking good for Vogue Spain,

To See The Video That I Couldn’t Figure Out How To Embed
FOLLOW THIS LINK

Here are some shitty screen caps and the actual pics all mixed together

Posted in:Candice Swanepoel

2013

21

Mar

Irina Shayk’s Awesome Natural Beauty Pic of the Day

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I posted some lubed up EMMA WATSON PICS for the same book, campaign, or whatever the fuck this Natural Beauty thing. If you click on that post, you can learn what it is all about, but I’m more interested in seeing Irina Shayk posing for it, because she’s hot, even if I am sure she’s not a natural beauty and has some work done on her quest to get to this level….but I’ll take it, cuz she’s awesome.

Posted in:Irina Shayk

2013

21

Mar

Beyonce Tries to Sex it Up For H&M of the Day

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I don’t understand what insanity was put into Beyonce’s brain after she gave birth to what may be a future drug overdose thanks to horrible parents and a lot of disposable income, but whatever it was, it’s bad.

She thinks, for some reason, that she has the body to pose half naked, and sex it up, on stage and in life, like she was Rihanna. I assume it stems from Jealousy, that comes with Rihanna giving Jay Z more than Beyonce ever will. You know, old fat hag trying to keep up with the young girls who make her husband millions a year, but far more pathetic than when you see a competitive mom in Lululemons with her daughter shopping, because she wants some of that mail attention the daughter is getting too, because it’s on a bigger, more public scale.

I mean bitch, just fucking retire and disappear. We don’t need your fat ass around these parts.

Posted in:Beyonce

2013

21

Mar

Emily Didonato’s Naked in Vogue France of the Day

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Show NSFW Content

Emily DiDonato is an American Model who has unfortunately been linked to Jake Gyllenhaal, an enemy of this site, and possible society, if people weren’t blinded by his fame.

She had her SI Debut, and I guess Vogue France figured strip off that bikini, it is getting in the way of showing the world Jake Gyllenhaal’s tits., and I figure why not stare at Jake Gyllenhaal tits, cuz seeing them in a bikini is just a fucking cock tease.

It’s 2013, we’re not in an Arab country, sure bikinis are hot in comparison to cloths, but when a girl is eager and willing to show nipple, focus on that.

SI Has let us down again, keeping these girls clothed is almost as bad as Kate Upton’s existence, but high fashion has saved us. Thank you gay people.

Posted in:Emily DiDonato|NSFW

2013

21

Mar

Vanessa Hudgens Dances for Leno of the Day

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Vanessa Hudgens did a horrible interview for Jay Leno because Jay Leno is horrible, and I guess so is Vanessea Hudgens, but luckily she saved it when she brought out her Booty Pop Dance for Leno….showing her little belly in a tight, lookin’ awkward, and sounding annoying as fuck/

Sure she’s not, Miley Twerking for the Hip Hop Community , but she’s trying.

Not to mention, she’s also going through some over-exposure, which doesn’t really bother me, cuz she’ young enough for me to not hate her and accept her overly bubbly optimism….while knowing when the cameras are off she’s a cunt who bosses everyone around her around, cuz that’s what happens when you become the bread winner for the family at 12.

Who cares right. I know…watch the video

Posted in:Vanessa Hudgens

2013

21

Mar

Lohan’s Lawyer’s Daughter Rachel Heller is a Babe of the Day

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A bunch of sites are shitting on Lohan’s lawyer, Mark Heller, for whatever reason. Despite the fact that she’s never gone to jail and is sentenced to rehab for 90 days, like that’s a fucking punishment. If anything, I think that makes him an awesome lawyer, considering that Lohan should be locked the fuck up for a few years, at least in the lesbian fantasies of my mind.

Well, sites are starting to do some background research in Mark Heller, the lawyer, for whatever reason. They have figured out that his son Mike is Lohan’s buddy, a guy I have met and who as far as I’m concerned is pretty decent.

But what they aren’t focusing on, is what actually matters, and that is Mark Heller’s hot as fuck daughter.

Her name is Rachel Heller, I’ve been trying to get her pregnant with my mind for the last few years. It hasn’t worked.

I posted her IN HER BIKINI in 2010…and since then have been wanting to make her fall in love with me….or at least let me go down on her for a week or until my tongue falls off but like everything I do, I’ve failed.

It’s ok, I get it, she’s too good for me. You know from the upper crust of society, all classy and high end luxury and shit, but I still write her love letters, put them in bottles with my semen and thrown them in the river hoping they wash up in New York or LA, where she’s filming a TV show and a Movie….cuz she’s gonna be famous, even though those love letter probably end up at the sewage treatment facility…it counts.

She’s glorious, she’s the real reason you should be talking about Mark Heller, Lindsay Lohan, or even LOVE…..

Rachel Heller, we may not know each other, we may never know each other, you may not know I exist… but we’re connected at the soul…or at least we should be…and by soul I mean genitals….

Remember, I’ve been stalking you pretty badly, inconsistently, and not quite as committed as I should be, because I forget and I’m lazy, for at least 3 years. That’s gotta count for something.

Here are some hot pics of her…

Posted in:Lindsay Lohan|Rachel Heller