DrunkenStepFather.com - I'll Make You Famous…

Sydney Sweeney Gives a Booty Show of the Day

Christina Aguilera Whorin’ Old Lady of the Day

Christina Milian Posing with Produce of the Day

Aurelie Dupont is the Instagram Of The Day

Britney Spears Returns With Weird Dancing of the Day

2008

Dec

Chelsy Davy’s Back in Her Bikini of the Day

1 Comment »

I was sent these hacked pictures of Chelsy Davy and no one gave a fuck. She’s the girl who’s been using her vagina to get to into the Royal Family in England because the throne hasn’t been overthrown yet, not that they have any real power, but for some reason these pictures of her and her weak chin with her ginger pubed prince are making the rounds and I figured I’d throw them up like I care, kinda like she gets up on top and acts like she cares everytime she has sex with the motherfucker, in hopes that that shit will lead to a motherfucking ring, fairy tale wedding and the official title of Princess, because her rich dad telling her that she’s one by spending all his “hard” earned money from running African Safaris on her to keep her out of his hair up in boarding school, just isn’t good enough….

Girls like this are just too high maintenance.

Posted in:Bikini|Chelsy Davy

2008

Dec

Ed Hardy’s Wife’s Dumpy Body in a Bikini of the Day

2 Comments »

I heard Ed Hardy’s designer/founder and very rich motherfucker doesn’t let his wife wear his Ed Hardy bikini and throws her in this Gucci shit because it ruins his marketing image of strippers, porn sluts and tacky club sluts with fake tits shoving Magnums of Grey Goose up their dried up coke slut cunts….the truth is that although she’s not very tight bodied or worth fucking, despite being worht half of his fortune, I am just surprised she doesn’t have a dick because nothing screams “I take it up the ass” like a french accent and a name like “Christian Audigier” and a job making the loudest fuckin’ T-shirts around. Seriously, maybe he should be the one in the fuckin’ bikini.

To See More Pictures of Her Ass You Better Follow This Link….Because The Paparazzi Will Sue Me….
GO

Posted in:Bikini|Ed Hardy|wife

2008

Dec

Women Would Turn Down Sex For the Internet of the DAy

1 Comment »

So close to 50% of people would give up sex if it mean keeping the internet. I guess that means it’s here to stay. I guess it’s good news for all of you too, because the girls who were willing to answer such a stupid fucking survey were all World of Warcraft players on a break and have never had sex anyway, so keep them in their fat chick basements is what I say. I know that I have yet to find a hot chick who uses the internet and I am convinced shit’s like it was back in 1996 and every girl I talk to is a 45 year old dude, just waiting to break the news to me after they convince me to jerk off on camera for them. I guess information like this also makes you feel better about the fact that the only sex you have ever had was masturbating to some porn site and now you know you’re not alone or some shit.

Posted in:Internet|Sex

2008

Dec

stepLINKS of the Day

No Comments »

I’ve been thinking about what Mike Lohan said to me and maybe he’s right, maybe I am a bad person, so I seeked spiritual guidance at my local brothel and bitch let me suck her pussy. Now that I’ve found something to believe in, I can bring back the goods and here are my links from last night, 24 hours late, motherfuckers…and unfortunately for you, I’m not dead…

Barbie Has Herpes
GO

How the Fuck is Kim Kardashian the Most Googled Celebrity of the Year?
GO

Find a Girl to Fuck, Because The Holidays Sucked And It Will Make You Feel Better
GO

Jennifer Ellison Does What She Does Best
GO

The Top Ten Best Scooby Doo Appearences of All Time
GO

Mac versus PC – Transformers
GO

Bianca Beauchamp is Always Good For a Wank
GO

I Mean, Who Doesn’t Like Cocaine, Really
GO

Fart Machine!!
GO

Jessica Simpson See Through Throwback
GO

The Two People I Hate Most in the World Together At Last
GO

Keyshia Cole’s Got Legs
GO

Sad Little Lesbians
GO

Flight of the Conchords is the Funniest Shit Around
GO

Those Jonas Kid Virgins are Most Probably Homos As Well
GO

Behind the Scenes with Keeley Hazell
GO

Introducing Keyra Grey
GO

Spend Your Christmas Vacation Doing What You Love
GO

Blonde Shoots Gun
GO

Kid Crashes Daddy’s Car
GO

The Perfect Make Out
GO

Dania Ramirez Does Maxim
GO

Jaclyn Case Will Make Your Day Better
GO

Make Up for the Depression and Shittiness of the Holidays
GO

Public Access Fun
GO

Kate Beckinsale Can Play Anyone She Wants IMO
GO

Two Oily Lesbians
GO

Pot, Meet Kettle
GO

Snow Mobile Fail
GO

The Best Christmas Present You Will Ever Buy Yourself
GO

Ed Westwick Has a Boner for David Beckham
GO

Evangeline Lily Needs to Bend Over Just a Little Further
GO

Kaylee Garver and Jodie Gasson Are Naked
GO

Amy Wants to Be Your Fantasy
GO

More Fun From Japan
GO

Now THATS a Bikini
GO

Build a Hover Board
GO

Tom Cruise Thinks He’s Brad Pitt
GO

Don’t Let Wino Near Your Toothbrush
GO

Jump!!!
GO

Moesha Don’t Like ASs Grabbin
GO

Britney Spears is On More Drugs Than My Step Daughter
GO

Whitney Port: Hoe or Houswfie
GO

Posted in:stepLINKS

2008

Dec

Michael Lohan Wrote Me An Email of the Day

17 Comments »

Lohan’s dad’s started up a blog of some sort and sent out a release to a bunch of sites, mine not included, so I took it upon myself to email him stating I have the best site and should be on his email list, not that it makes any difference to me, considering he’s a fucking nobody and this is what he wrote to me:

From: Mike Lohan
Subject: Re: wtf
Date: December 29, 2008 3:10:14 PM GMT-05:00
To: info@drunkenstepfather.com

The “best one”???? Are you kdding? IThe reason I have my website is because of people like you.
How can you say such disgusting and horrible things about people. Nevertheless Lindsay.
Let me tell you something Buid, you need to seriuosly look at your heart and thank God that I will only fight for charity. If I didn’t have so much to look forward to in life and for God, I might just look you up. That’s my daughter you are saying such digusting things about, and whether we have differnces or not, she is still my flesh and blood. Watch your step and your mouth!
maybe you should seek some spiritual guidance.

My response….because he’s a fucking child….and spells like a fucking child….

Mike,

I see where your daughter gets her emotional instability from. Not only did you rob her of a childhood, but you also robbed her of a paternal figure. Why do you think she was rumored to have had so many illicit relationships with men, why do you think she’s now a lesbian. Daddy issues. You fucking suck as a parent and I can only assume as a person.

So don’t tell me what I say is disgusting or spiritually void. I do satire, comedy, sure it’s at the expense of others, sure it’s not tasteful or classy, sure no one finds it funny but me, but I go to bed, knowing that the only life I’ve ruined has been my own and not a helpless little girl I brought into the world, who had talent, potential and the opportunity that you destroyed.

I hope for her sake, she stays as far away possible from you and your self indulgence, your self destruction, your sociopathic behavior, your total disregard to anything human and more importantly you exploitative ways. You’re a fucking hypocrite trying to throw got down my throat, where was god when you were cheating on your family making bastard babies you won’t parent, where was god when you were drinking yourself and going to fucking jail.

Keep trying to ride her wave and claim you found Jesus you fucking cunt, when we all know you’re just a useless piece of shit who is better off hanging from the fucking rafters of the attic of his home his daughter sold her soul to buy for him.

Get some fucking perspective you fucking pig of a person, and stop crying for attention like you did to your daddy when you were a child and when your daddy and everyone around you liked everyone else but you.

Maybe you should get back on the coke you used to use your daughter’s money to buy, maybe that will distract you from always trying to be in the media, because the prescription pills you’re and you’re already going to hell, so sort it the fuck out, cocksucker.

So, what’s it like whoring out your daughter? Is it what I’ve always dreamt it would be? And for the record, you’re daughter is one of my best friends, she just doesn’t know it yet.

I hope your website fails, like everything else in your useless life has. Welcome to my world.

That said, maybe we can work together. Your first assignment is to send me some hot nude pics of Dina. Thanks in advance.

PS – Nice Rolex, you pay for that shit yourself? Or did Mean Girls cover that one, you pansy ass turtleneck, cellphone belt attachment, Seifeld lookin’ motherfucker.

PPS – I know you, Lindsay and Samantha are all in this together for media attention, negative publicity, and I just bit the bait. Fuck you for that.

ppps – Real men don’t read gossip sites, what’s that say about you? Maybe that you’re not a real man? Maybe that your daughter learned about vaginas by accidentally walking in on you while you were taking a shower.

pppps – this is getting boring….

With Love,
Jesus Martinez
Drunkenstepfather.com
————————————–

And that was the end of that….

Posted in:Michael Lohan

2008

Dec

Naomi Campbell’s Got a Russian Billionaire of the Day

9 Comments »

Vladislav Doronin is some Russian Real Estate Billionaire. I didn’t know Russian Billionaires existed. Maybe he’s Russian Mob. I know they exist, one of them showed me his gun once while I worked as a valet where he parked his mom’s shitty car. I am guessing he wasn’t some Russian Billionaire, but probably the lowest on the fucking ladder, but at least he had a gun and a pony tail.

But I guess during the fall of communism a whole lot of people came out on top, maybe by buying the land off the government to make non-communist buildings, like for stores and restaurants and shit like that and by the looks of this dude he probably built his first couple buildings with his teeth.

Naomi Campbell managed to bag him because as you know, being a cunt who thinks she’s a fucking princess, landing a billionaire is the only thing she doesn’t already have and the only thing she can’t afford and is the way she’ll ever be satisfied. You know, for a cunt who’s got everything and a whole lot of money, the last thing on the list was a billionaire to make her cunt complete and like my friend down the street who needed a wife, she went to Russia, because I guess that’s where you go to find mates, his wasn’t a billionaire though, she was some ragged looking prostitute who didn’t shower and didn’t look like the picture he chose out of the catalog and when she got here wasn’t much of a wife, because everyone got a chance to fuck her, even me!

Either way, the only way I could understand why a Russian Billionaire would bother getting with this bitch, not only is she old and tired and not even a model anymore, but she’s got a history of being fucking crazy, and for someone who could go for any currently active model, celebrity, or everyday girl, or multiple everyday girls, or multiple celebrities, or multiple models, there’s no explanation for this.

Maybe all that money has made him hate himself for the things he did to get there, or maybe he’s fucking crazy, or maybe she reminds him of some dictator or leader who issued the rationed bread in his one room home his family of 12 grew up in where they’d share cabbage soup and a potato they baked on a government issued candle before tending to the fields or sleeping in a puddle of water in the middle of winter, where his boss would whip him and throw oxen feces at his face because he didn’t work fast enough, but I don’t really know either of them so I can’t be the judge of why they are together, maybe it’s love, I think it’s got more to do with a sadistic need to have an uncontrollable wife, but I can say having two beach boys in speedos tending to your needs is pretty fucking gay…

Here are those pics…

Posted in:Bikini|Billionaire|Naomi Campbell

2008

Dec

Lohan Getting in Cars With Boys of the Day

5 Comments »

Here’s a video of Lohan getting into a car after getting her haircut. Yep. My life is this pathetic. Actually, it gets even worse than this…I mean why the fuck would anyone give a shit about seeing Lohan getting in a fucking car if her tits aren’t out, her pussy isn’t demonstrating stunts, or she’s not ripping fucking lines while drinking a bottle of vodka and dancing on the fucking bar.

Posted in:Lindsay Lohan

2008

Dec

Salma Hayek Smokes Unlit Cigarettes in Front of Her Kid of the Day

17 Comments »

So Salma Hayek smokes unlit cigarettes outside when she pushes her baby in a stroller, or pretends to cuz the cameras are there and doesn’t want to look like a mexican treating a motherfucker like a mexican, and I have a feeling this is going to be big news on those shitty tabloid shows that pollute your TV at 7 pm, more than unlit cigarettes pollute little babies. I seriously hated the dramatic performances that health addict hypocrites would make everytime I lit up in a non-smoking section, before they changed the fucking law because they health addict hypocrites don’t shut the fuck up, like you used to fuck up my meals. But the truth is that the air in NYC or LA is worse that the air of an unsmoked cigaretter 5 feet away from a kid, the pesticides in foods, and the vaccines that cause autism, also worse than an unlit cigarette. A molesting uncle, a bitter divorce, a broken home, even a public school education or a mother who pumps too much money into its hand to avoid having to spend time with it, is also worse than an unlit cigarette, polluted water is also worse than unlit cigarettes, so stop being fucking pussies. When I was this kid’s age I was fucking smoking already, and when I wasn’t, I was in vans and other closed window places with people who were smoking, and nothing happened to me. And the important thing is to remember what this kid did to Hayek’s body, and how he ruined the sloppy shit she had going for her, by making it more sloppy and deserves a to die or at least suffer a little, maybe with some pediatric cancer…..and I make that joke okay by saying I donated 2 dollars to the Kid’s Wish Foundation at the pharmacy earlier today. I have a cardboard star to prove it.

Posted in:Baby|Salma Hayek|Smoker

2008

Dec

Some Guy’s Wife Burns His Dick Off Cuz He Cheated on Her of the Day

8 Comments »

Same story, man cheats, wife goes fucking crazy and catches his dick on fire, kills him all to let him know how much of a bastard he is because she can’t deal with the fact that she doesn’t turn him on anymore, and the whole thing sounds better than a blowjob from my wife because she’s disgusting.

Posted in:Crazy Wife|Revenge

2008

Dec

Kelly Rowland’s Fake Tits in a Bikini of the Day

6 Comments »

Two people asked me if I was gay this weekend. Maybe the meds brought out the showtune performing poofter in me, maybe it was the fact that I was offering to send them a video of me fucking a tranny like she was Audrina Patridge, by sucking on her dick, which for the record, doesn’t exist, at least not that I know of, but I think it has to do with me constantly ripping apart female celebrity vagina, but not the kind of vagina ripping I am into, like it was my fucking job, not that it is, because I am not into work, for their imperfections. One guy asked me when I was going to turn the site into a Lance Bass Dancing with the stars man-pussy fan site, because I never say anything positive about these famous sluts, and I act like none of them are up to my standards, like I was trying to cover something up, like homosexuality, but it’s just strategy man, I try to lower their self esteem to increase my chances of licking their assholes while Lance Bass strokes his dick in the corner, because sex without Lance Bass is not sex at all, no matter what your orientation is, true story.

Here’s Kelly Rowland in her bikini…with her modest fake tits, with a fat chick to make her look skinny all because she’s insecure, the way i like them.

Posted in:Bikini|Fake Tits|Kelly Rowland