I'll Make You Famous…
 
 

2008

04

Jun

Lily Allen is a Drunken Pink Haired Mess of the Day

Since Lily Allen’s dreams of being a mother were rudely ripped from her uterus, she has decided to follow her other dream of being a drunken clown it’s one of those things when you can’t have children of your own because of fetal alcohol syndrome always giving you miscarriages, at least you can make them smile while wearing funny wigs at birthday parites before sexually harassing the moms and throwing up all over your emotionally wrecked self and getting carried away by the dad’s at the party.

On a sidenote the man who is carrying Lily Allen is actually a past winner of a strongman competition and early today has suggested carrying a drunken Lily Allen be one of the challenges because he hasn’t felt this kind of burn after a good work out since the time he tried to pull a dump tuck 100 yards.

Here are her before and after shots, which are more dramatic than mine because I fall somewhere in the middle at all times, doesn’t matter how sober or drunk I am ….I am always a mess, but at least I can always manage to stumble home without the help of a carrier.

Posted in:Drunk|Lily Allen

2008

04

Jun

Mel B and Her Retarded Tits for Some Bra Company of the Day

Mel B proves that you don’t have to have much of a face to get high paying jobs promoting lingerie which makes total sense because bras are for tits and only look good on faces when they are covering the ugly bitch you and you don’t want to make it too obvious or turn her off by using a pillow to cover her face so that you can keep your erection and finish what you started.

Her tits are retardedly big and have probably paid for themselves a bunch of times over proving that implants can be good investments especially when your beauty is fleeting and you need a distraction that allows dudes to still masturbate to you

It’s girls like Mel B that make me wish the monkeys of the jungle were stacked like this because it would make jerking off to Animal Planet a hell of a less challenging.

Posted in:Mel B|Tits

2008

04

Jun

Pussycat Dolls are Boring on Set of the Day

The Pussycat Dolls may useless stains on the world of music, but if you ask me, half naked chicks who do erotic shows and don’t show their pussies are pretty fucking useless, but when you compare this shit to everything else out there, it’s a little more interesting to watch and proves that if you want to make money, all you have to do is turn yourself into a sex object. I tried taking my own advice once and decided to show up to random job interviews topless, but turns out that we live in a sexist world and topless big breasted chicks get ahead, while topless big breasted men are looked at as if we’re disgusting creeps.

This is the some video shoot that the Pussycat Dolls are currently filming and I guess it’s the light at the end of the tunnel in some kind of a moment of inspiration for girls out there who think showing off their drunken asses at the club won’t lead to bigger and better things, because I know sometimes feeling objectified and only having a case of herpes to show for all your hard work you’ve put into being a slut can make you feel like throwing in the towel and giving it all up because it’s only downhill from here, but there is hope and hope is all we really have…..I feel like I’ve said that before….

Posted in:On Set|Pussycat Dolls

2008

04

Jun

Kate Walsh Fights The Wind of the Day

Kate Walsh is on Grey’s Anatomy or was on Grey’s Anatomy because the truth is I don’t really know since I am not a middle aged mother who watches Grey’s Anatomy because it gives me something to masturbate thinking about. I do know that shows that make wives horny are my worst enemy so I am happy that I don’t have a TV and that my wife barely speaks english because the last thing I want is to have her expecting me to treat her like some scripted shit she sees on TV, but I am sure that some of you appreciate it because it’s made the only woman in your life find her vagina and bring it out to play since she packed that shit away, locked it up and threw away the key the day she got pregnant with your kid, so you should be supportive of this kind of mainstream smut, it makes your life a better one.

You should also support Kate Walsh flashing the world her old weathered ass because of a perverted gust of wind, because maybe if enough of us encourage the wind to keep up his pervert ways, maybe it’ll take the practice he’s had on useless bitches and take it to the next level with chicks we actually want to see unexpectedly flash us. Peer pressure has always worked out good for me in the past so the only thing I see that may be a challenge this time is that Wind isn’t really something you can really reason with or manipulate, but at least we can all hope it does because hope is all we really have.

Posted in:Ass|Kate Walsh|Upskirt|Wind

2008

04

Jun

Jeremy Piven Tries To Get Pussy of the Day

I got this email from a reader who was at the Playboy mansion for some party the other day, because I guess some people who read the site are heavily more important and hooked up than me. I have a hard enough time being allowed into the local Dunkin Donuts because despite having a huge homeless following, they don’t seem to appreciate my loitering. Either way here’s the email I got:

Dear Jesus,

I was at the Playboy Mansion for some party a little while ago and while I was doing my fair share of drinking and hustling hot chicks who were either in Playboy or trying to be in Playboy and managed to get into the event in hopes of being discovered, I noticed that Jeremy Piven from Entourage was there too. Now, I don’t consider this guy a celebrity at all and I have little to no interest in him because he pretty much looks like he’s just as annoying as his character on the show, but when I saw his coked up drunken ass begging this chick to come home with him, I had no choice but to document the moment. I was close enough to hear his lame jokes about sex and his bragging about how girls really love him but how he doesn’t like all the attention he gets just because he’s on tv, something I knew was all part of his game. The girl gave him a good 10 minutes but I guess she realized he was running some weak game treating her like some kind of dumb bitch he probably gets to go home with him in clubs and she wasn’t about to lower herself to that level or maybe it was the fact that he was sweating profusely and looked like a total fucking mess. I guess none of that matters, but it would be funny if you posted this pic and gave us all your take on Jeremy Piven.

I am not a fan of Jeremy Piven or the fact that girls constantly prove to be idiot groupies whenever I see pictures of him with some hot young slut, because I know that she just wants to famous and dude manipulates her by making her think that getting with him is some kind of accomplishment on her part and possibly the closest she’ll get to be famous. It’s sad to see hot girls lower themselves to sleep with dudes they normally wouldn’t because they see him on TV, but dude still gets laid all the time and despite being rejected by this one, I am sure there’s a couple school bus full of drunk party sluts who think banging him will be the closest they ever get to banging Adrian Grenier and that going home with him is a better stamp of approval than going home with some other poorer, less famous drunken motherfucker in the bar that they’d normally go home with if Piven hadn’t chosen them for the night. Celebrity means pussy and despite not being a celebrity, girls will always go home with guys they’ve seen anywhere, even in the Sears catalog just because they recognize the motherfucker and I guess that’s because girls are all groupy sluts even if the motherfucker doesn’t deserve groupies.

This was sent in from the fine people at MisanthropyToday

Posted in:Jeremy Piven|Pussy

2008

04

Jun

Christina Aguilera is a Good Babysitter of the Day

So when Christina Aguilera is supposed to at home with her relatively newborn child, she’d found more fun things to do because no one likes to be held down to staying in everynight, even if it’s for their offspring. If anything it’s a fucking pain in the ass burden and going out is the only way to forget how bad of a decision it was to not have had that abortion but the good news for Christina is that she has a lot of fans and if she really wanted freedom, she could just put that shit up on Ebay and everyone would go crazy trying to bid for it so that they can have a living piece of this slut making her some extra money, but that exit strategy is much more frowned upon than just leaving it at home with the babysitter.

I remember when I was a kid, my foster parents had to go to some church event and they hired the neighbor’s daughter to watch over me. Within about 10 minutes she wanted to fuck her boyfriend and use the empty house to make that happen, the only problem was that I was there, so she strapped me to the bed with rope and turned out my bedroom light and came in with a lighter and said if I made a noise she’d burn down the fucking house, I was only about 10 but it was probably one of the hottest experiences of my life. Sure some of the kids I knew were getting crazy chicks who would breast feed them or touch them inappropriately and mine was only into mild bondage but it was good enough for me.

Posted in:Babysitter|Christina Aguilera

2008

04

Jun

Miley Cyrus Does a Cheer About Her Little Hips of the Day

Here’s a 2 week old video of Miley doing some kind of cheerleading chant for her fans on set for the Hannah Montana Movie and I figured since this site has a huge 15 year old girl following and by 15 year old girl following, I mean perverted dudes who like 15 year old girls and not actual 15 year old girls, I figured I’d post it because it’s not everyday that you can help your fantasies be more realistic as you loop her saying “shake my little hips” over and over because when you’re down with young girls, that usually means your down with little hips because Miley only got her period a year ago and still hasn’t grown into herself and despite my being completely against that, I do what I do for the fans and by fans I mean 5 of you.

Posted in:Cheerleader|Miley Cyrus|On Set

2008

04

Jun

Whoopi Goldberg Has Another Erotic Moment of the Day

So Whoopi Goldberg can’t watch Sex and the City because they talk about Anal Sex and I can only assume that turns her on because it reminds her of every single time she’s had sex since she has a penis. I like how she pretends to be all grossed out by the concept of it to trick us into thinking she’s not actually into it, well Whoopi, that shit didn’t work when were every single time I’ve propositioned a girl to have sex with me and she threw up on my shoes, trying to make me think they didn’t want it while they were passed out in my bed drunk, but I could tell because after using a bit of lube, they totally felt like they were into it.

Either way, I like her cover up when she tries to pretend the ass talk is about waxing asses and not fucking them, good recovery Whoopi good thing you won’t lose your job.

Posted in:Anal Sex|Whoopi Goldberg

2008

04

Jun

stepLINKS of the Day

I took my lunch at 4 pm and ended up getting completely wasted. Some dude I met randomly offered to take me to some brown poo covered chick’s concert and I tagged along only to drink too much. We met a native american girl and it was funny too see her drunk of something that wasn’t gasoline – I don’t remember much else even though it all just went down, I learned that people have absolutely no respect for what I do, but that’s okay and I did remember that I have to post my links – so here they are – see you tomorrow.

Love, Jesus

14 Houston Day Shift strippers Arrested for Doing the Nasty on the Job
GO

Trailer for the New Get Smart Movie, Because Steve Carell is An Asshole
GO

Hilary Duff and Her Linebackers Shoulders Look Aged in a Glittery Dress
GO

Some Hot Pics of Tatum O’Neal
GO

South Park Mac VS PC Spoof
GO

Mellissa George is Some Aussi Actress Slut, But You’re Probably More Interested in Her Gallery
So Here It Is
GO

5 Reasons Not To Bang Gina Gershon
GO

The 10 Funniest Moments in Fox News History
GO

More Montreal Sluts You Will Never Get To See, Because Montreal Girls Are Useless
GO

Petra Nemcova Sideboobage from Cannes, in Case You Missed it the First Time
GO

Cameron Diz is an Elegant and Classy Lady
GO

Gay Prank Goes Wrong, and It Serves Him Right, Cause His Idea Was Stupid Anyways
GO

Wet, White Boy Shorts Only Mean One Thing – CAMEL TOE!
GO

Use this to Help You Find Sex TODAY!
GO

Passed Out Party Girls – Casualties of the Weekend War
GO

Gonzo – The Life and Times of Hunter S. Thompson
The Movie Trailer
GO

Rachel Nicoles Gallery
GO

News Reporter Gets Borderline Molested of TV
GO

GiGi is Naked and Tanned and Floating on An Inflatable Matress
GO

Sandy Westgate Gallery
GO

Find Girls to Fuck – Because Sex is a Two Person Activity
GO

Girl Next Door Has a Bangin Body
GO

Irina Sheik is a Hot Russian Model in Her Bikini
GO

Leona Lewis Makes a Promise to Keep Clean Cut
GO

Nick Hogan Staying in Jail Despite Request to be Releases to Home Arrest
GO

Heidi Klum Hugs a Bear and Makes Me Horny
GO

Why the FUCK Does Target Have a Movie Awards Show? And What Kind of Hollywood Trash Would Actually Go There?
GO

Striptease of the Day
GO

Gena Gershon was Most Probably Bangin Bill Clinton
GO

Now That’s What I call Making Mom and Dad Proud
GO

Porn That Will Make You Even More of a Hermit Than You Already Are
GO

Maddox Jolie-Pitt is Cooler Than You Are
GO

Sara Larson is Going Back to the Ho Factory is Vegas
GO

Lip Synching Makes Me Laugh So Hard I Wanna Crap Myself
GO

Useless Facts of the Day, Which Will Make You Smarted Because You Don’t Know Shit
GO

Ashlynn Brooke is Oh So Hot
GO

Rap Battle Turns Ugly
GO

R-Kelly is Going to Jail for a Long, Long Time
GO

Kanye West is Bangin Some Hot Victoria’s Secret Model
GO

Keeley Hazell in Nuts for the 198 278 237th Time
GO

Aubrey O’Day Talks About Her Tits
GO

I think this is way too old to breast feed in this awkward too old to be breast feeding documentary – sooo sick.
GO

The Turtles Caught Bangin’ Shells On Camera
GO

Some Blonde Amateur With Some Big TIts for the Perverts
GO

Bonus: Leave Me a Message on the stepHOTLINE
GO

Some Slut Named Kana on Shot By Kern
GO

Some Crazy Pic of a Bike Race Gone Bad Thanks to a Drunk Driver
GO

Some Hooters in the Parking Lot Madness
GO

Olsen Twins Bikini Throwbacks
GO

Tennis Player Ashley Harkleroad Is Going to Pose in Playboy
GO

The Girls Next Door Are On The Cover of Guitar World
GO

Someone Turned the Movie “The Happening” into Something Funnier
GO

Some Girl With Her Freaky Tongue
GO

ROGUE COLLECTOR’S PHOTOBUCKET FINDS

Some Girl’s Vagina Spread
GO

Another Girl’s Vagina Spread
GO

BONUS – Web Cam Sluts You Can Go Wrong With Because They Do What You Say….
GO

Posted in:stepLINKS

2008

03

Jun

Alicia Keys Has Some Fat Legs of the Day

Looks like Alicia Keys, who was reportedly a marathon runner has hung up her running shoes and committed herself to her piano and by piano I mean extra-large double cheese pizza. I had more respect for this girl when I thought her last name was actually Keys, thinking how crazy a coincidence it was. But it turns out that it’s just some kind of nickname thatshe gave herself that happens to be a lot more appealing than Large Fry Thighs.

I wonder if I’d be more successful if I changed my name was Jesus Useless Guy On the Internet, since it would let people know what they are singing up for, but the flow just isn’t as cool as “Keys”, but that’s not my fault, I’m not black.

I also had more respect for her before finding out she came from money and had actual music lessons and training, I was a little more accepting to her obesity when I thought she taught herself the piano playing a chalk drawing of a piano in the projects, it just makes for a better heartwarming story on Oprah.

Either way, some of you find her hot, I’m just posting these to try to drill it into you that she probably is, because carrying that load around is tough on her body and she just can’t seem to stop sweating.

Posted in:Alicia Keys|Fat|Legs