I wrote to Christie Hefner, Hugh’s daughter and president of the company saying that they need me to write an article for their magazine. This is the response I got:

Hi Jesus.

Christie passed your note along to Chris Napolitano, who runs the magazine,
and myself. You’re site is quite provocative, but it’s not really right for
us. Feel free to keep me in the loop on your future projects.

Thanks a lot. — jdt

John D. Thomas
Editor of Playboy.com

Not only do my readers hate me, but now Playboy does too. They won’t give me a DrunkenStepfather article because I am not right for them. So today is the day I realize that I will never amount to shit because mainstream media just doesn’t accept me….I guess the only good in all this is that I didn’t really want an article, I was just testing to see if Christie’s email actually worked.

Feel free to email John D. Thomas, Editor of Playboy if you feel like he made the wrong decision and that DrunkenStepfather.com should have an Article in their magazine. At least 50 of you useless fucks like me, so email them demanding he change his mind.

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The girls grew up on this show despite the hours I spent fighting with them over it. I learned to just sit back and take it. I figured it was my responsibility to buy a second TV, but that meant sacrificing booze for a month, something I wouldn’t do. So I did what every self respecting man does, I sat back and got wasted while watching Caroline Rhea’s fatty tits bounce around. I know when I was in my early 20s this wouldn’t have been my dream friday night, but life sucks, I just learnt to accept it, with Sabrina the Teenage witch and a bottle of Jack….Anyway, I always thought Sabrina was busted with her chubby awkward body and face that look like the disgusting 14 pound shit I just took…I am not healthy. I don’t know if it was actually 14 pounds, but it was some next level shit. Point of the story is that Sabrina the Teenage Witch is fat.

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So I get one TV channel, and that TV channel happens to have the Canadian rights to American Idol. I also have one shitty TV and two step-daughters, who watch American Idol. I am usually drunk on the couch by 8 pm, so I watch it. The reason I am drunk at 8 pm is cuz I start drinking around now. The point of the post is to say Kellie Pickler is jokes. She can barely sing, she looks good enough, she’s white trash and poor, has a daddy in jail and a momma dead, a sick grandaddy and bitch doesn’t know what calamars is….I am a fucking drunken, useless mexican piece of shit…and I know what calamars is….anyway these are her highschool prom pics, dressed like some kind of slut, I guess she’s lucky Idol hit, cuz the rest of the girls in her town are already knocked up and ready to drop….poor bitches don’t like to wait too long after their 16th birthday before having babies. That’s my story that’s not really a story. I am useless right now.

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So I get one TV channel, and that TV channel happens to have the Canadian rights to American Idol. I also have one shitty TV and two step-daughters, who watch American Idol. I am usually drunk on the couch by 8 pm, so I watch it. The reason I am drunk at 8 pm is cuz I start drinking around now. The point of the post is to say Kellie Pickler is jokes. She can barely sing, she looks good enough, she’s white trash and poor, has a daddy in jail and a momma dead, a sick grandaddy and bitch doesn’t know what calamars is….I am a fucking drunken, useless mexican piece of shit…and I know what calamars is….anyway these are her highschool prom pics, dressed like some kind of slut, I guess she’s lucky Idol hit, cuz the rest of the girls in her town are already knocked up and ready to drop….poor bitches don’t like to wait too long after their 16th birthday before having babies. That’s my story that’s not really a story. I am useless right now.

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I am not a porn site. I have defended myself over over again, and for some reason it’s always the same people who hate on me. These people are usually Jewish and Virgins and scared of the word FUCK or CUNT. I do however visit porn sites because I like watching girls get fucked, and by fucked I mean with penis, with toes, with mouth or by their fucking self. When I look for porn I use Booble.com, it’s a search engine that was bought by AOL, for more info click the link.

New York, April 1, 2006 – Time Warner (NYSE TW) announced today it was spinning off its AOL Online subsidiary in an all stock transaction with privately held Booble.com. Booble founder and CEO, Bob Smart will take the reins of the combined company, which will henceforth be known as AOOL.

I don’t care about business movers and shakers, but when mainstream goes to porn, it gives us more hope here at Stepfather, and by we I mean me. Cuddles.

Visit Booble Here

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A few years ago, I used to work in a Drug Store. I was the stock clerk. Meaning I was pretty much the underpaid bitch who helped old ladies bring their bags to their cars for a quarter, I also got to stock the shelves, and use the price gun, but only when they trusted me enough to…it was like some stock clerk hierarchy….and my boss took his useless job too fucking seriously. I understand, people need to feel important/proud of what they do, otherwise there is no point living. Truth is when you are a career stockclerk, there really is no point in living.

Point of my story is there was once a Turkish Muslim cab driver who came into the store and we started chatting about sex. He told me that when he was 16 he couldn’t fuck girls or jerk off cuz of his religion. So he would get together with his boys and fuck the shit out of one of their dogs. He was laughing because one of his friends got stuck in the dog when it was his turn. Fucking Kelly Osborne would probably the equivalent of this muslim tradition, only in the Kelly Osborne version they’d be fucking a pig, even though that’s against their religion. I don’t think fucking a dog or a pig is right, I am just telling you the fucking story he told me to bring the point home that Kelly is a fucking ditch-pig, and she should stand up proud, that slouching slag.

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I want to point out that I don’t judge Paris for having Herpes. I read a long time ago that it was finally out in the open and I decided that when she officially came out with her STD, I would stop rippin’ into her dried up diseased cooch. The reason being that it is funny to laugh at people who put themselves at risk of STDs, like having unprotected sex with dirtbags like the dude in her sex tape. I don’t think it’s funny to laugh at people who actually land the disease, ultimately because the jokes on them…for the rest of their life, they’ll be tending to that shit, and we can all laugh to ourselves.

That said. This bitch is all over the fucking place lately, there are pics of her in LA yesterday, these are pics of her in Miami 4 days ago, and I even saw pics of her filming for Simple Life, god fuckin’ knows where. I have enough trouble leaving my house and walking to the store to buy a coffee sometimes I have to see doctors, therapists, immigration people and it’s a fucking struggle. I guess there’s nothing funny in that. It’s just sad…but sad is the new happy, go fuck yourself.

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Her name is Dolores de Muela, she is a burlesque dancer or some shit at some wrestling ring, where chicks fight and dance…. I like burlesque dancers and circus freaks and carnivals. I saw this trend coming years ago, I knew it would be popular because I am an unofficial trendspotter, but that’s not the point, the point is this burlesque dancing mexican vixen messaged me on myspace saying:

i looooooooove your site. I was turned on to it a year and a half ago when I interned at ET. Everyone in the news room adores it 🙂

UPDATE:
when i was interning at the ET news room I was always sent to run things to the studio. Twice I had to run over some ex-lax to paula abdul. It was a great internship. I learned a lot.

I don’t know what ET she’s talking about, but if it is Entertainment Tonight, I want to call those newsroom cocksuckers out and get them to plug me on their show. I have always had a thing for Mary Hart, and I always wanted to titty fuck her legs, until recent years, when she got fat, but I’d still do it….because sometimes fantasies never die. Say something like “According to DrunkenStepfather.com Lindsay Lohan Has Aids” or something…..

Back to my Burlesque myspace girlfriend, who I love and want to book to perform at the StepPARTY then impregnate her when she’s not looking, by cumming on her costume or something cuz she’d never sleep with me….dude, I am witnessing myself crash and burn…so read her story, it’s time for me to stop.

My father (god rest his soul) was the head captain of the best shrimp boat in Guadalajara. One Monday he cast his net and caught an astonishing 820 pounds of tiger shrimp. As he was empting out his net he looked down and noticed a beautiful sparkly shrimp. His eyes met her beady little eyes and his lips were magically drawn to her wet little antennas. It was shrimpy love at first sight! Days later the little shrimp became pregnant with me and my 1,999 little sisters. Unfortunately, the 1,999 others did not survive delivery. Ashamed and despaired they eloped and joined “Manuelito’s Fabuloso Circo de Pulgas” (Manuel’s Fabulous Flea Circus). For only in the circus were people kind, accepting, and willing to shell out big bucks to look at us. My family and I traveled the world as, “The man who married a shrimp and their lovechild”. I spent my mid-late-teen years performing and dancing shrimpily to audiences of all ages. Since my mother lived in a glass bowl on a shelf… I looked to strippers and trapeze artists for motherly advice. It was from them where, I learned how to shimmy, shake, and get down.

Visit her MySpace, Add her, make her famous, tell her I love her but don’t knock her up, that womb is mine….HERE

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