I like to give girls bad relationship advice, because apparently, I am that shoulder to cry on for people everywhere, so I like to give the I think when things are done they are done – but don’t listen to me – I may just want to get in your pants…level of doubt… “Is he […]

I told a girl “I bet you have a cute asshole”…and she went fucking nuts, and not in a good way. So I asked “would you rather I say I bet you have a shitty, disgusting, meaty asshole”… To which she said “talking about someone’s asshole is weird, especailly when they are your fucking waitress”… […]

For as long as I can remember, I’m talking since I was 12 or 13, I’ve asked girls if they masturbate, if they have bush, how they masturbate and what they masturbate to… Once things get lubricated and warmed up and our friendship is trustworthy, I ask what the weirdest thing they’ve masturbated to…the thing […]

Sometimes I am too drunk on tacos to even think about pussy…unless the pussy is the taco I am drunk on…then I can’t even think of tacos to eat because I am busy wondering how badly this is going to end up for me – will it be mouth sores, will it be lawsuits, will […]

Today…a homeless person asked me if he could move in with me…and at first I as thrown off and though how disgusting that would smell…despite living with a morbidly obese woman…who already fucking smells like shit…and then I thought about how a drug addicted crazy person would probably be really annoying to hang out with […]

The worst thing about having a small dick….is when a girl says “put your little dick in my mouth”…. Not that “put your big dick in my mouth” would have been better, because I would know they’d be lying… But “put your little dick in my mouth”….is almost as bad…because we don’t need reminders of […]