Unsorted Archives - Page 96 of 511 Archive - DrunkenStepFather.com

2007

09

Aug

I am – Melanie Brown in a Bikini of the Day

Here are some pictures of a post pregnant Melanie Brown rocking a bikini for all of you fucking losers to look at and either criticize her for being a slut who gets knocked up by dudes who deny it ever happening or talk about her big fat titties that are full of milk to feed the baby dudes who fuck her deny ever doing….

I ended up at the beach at one point in the last few months, it wasn’t a very beautiful thing for the people around me because I am about as attractive as a dying cancer patient in the hospital is and I am not saying that to be insensitive to dying cancer patients, I am saying it to really give you an idea of how unattractive I am. The difference between me and a dying cancer patient is that I am about 300 lbs and they aren’t, but I am probably equally pale despite my native mexican roots. I blame Canada and you should to.

Either way, I am out of the loop, out of practice and confused as fuck so look at these pictures and pretend I never wrote this shit, which won’t be too hard because you probably never read it. Cuddles.

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Posted in:Bikini|Melanie Brown|Spice Girl|Tits|Unsorted

2007

09

Aug

I am – Olsen Twins Riding in the Baggage Compartment of the Day

4 Comments »

Jesus is having issues right now, obviously. So you get to suffer through my thoughts/life until his dick/computer is fixed…

I am hauling ass to Brooklyn tonight to bar hop with my friend “Shanna” while she’s in town. Shanna and I made out once in community college, and since you whip it out every time a Girls Gone Wild commercial comes on, here’s how this went down.

We were at a party and our boyfriends ‘dared’ us to kiss like we were 6 and in the sandbox. Now as a hooker, I did one threesome with two guys once, one threesome with me and another hooker once, and was paid to get down and nasty with that same hooker in front of a bunch of suits as some sort of office bonding experience. I don’t get off on sliding around with girls, it’s just a lot of work and I already have the same parts. I also just hated threesomes in general and refused to do either combo again after the first time: two guys is really just homo, two girls gets so competitive.

But back to the story. I agreed to kiss Shanna since she seemed really excited and we had already seen each other naked before, so whatever. But mostly I did it because my ex-boyfriend was there with his new doberman-faced cunt, and all the hype drew a crowd, and he naturally followed. I wanted to make this fucker’s balls turn blue because he dumped my ass for this fat upstate slag that lived in his dorm, so he wouldn’t have to trek a mile to my place in the snow for sex. So I full throttle sexually assaulted Shanna, and we went at it for around 4 minutes, sucking face, grabbing ass, taking off each other’s shirts, cupping each other’s breasts under the bra, giving the audience just a peak, licking, etc.

Afterwards, Shanna and I complimented one another on the suppleness of our tits and lips. Our boyfriends were satisfied. Most importantly, I walked up to the ex and asked if he had enjoyed the show, he kind of stammered and walked away, trying to hide his raging erection. The ex, his hard on, and his bitch left immediately after that. At least I know that when he fucked his slut later, he was thinking about me. I win.

Here is MK and Ashley Olsen at the airport doing what they do best: looking skinny, electrocuted, homeless, and semi see-through. You know the thought of these two getting it on together used to turn you on because the only thing better than girl on girl is twin on twin. But they are doing there best to kill your dreams by looking like they rode in the baggage compartment. Try and masterbate. You can do it. The end.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

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I am – Ashley Olsen’s See Through Skirt of the Day
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Posted in:Ashley Olsen|Homeless|Olsen Twins|See Through|Unsorted

2007

09

Aug

I am – Back From Vacation But Still Managed to Fuck Up of the Day

21 Comments »

Hello everybody who I like to pretend read the site. I am back from not posting in a really long time and I don’t really know what to say. I have lost all ability to type anything that makes any real sense but I think that happened when I first started using a computer. I don’t have a sense of humor anymore but as my family always tell me, I am not funny and never really did.

I would tell you all about my vacation. But I hate and have always hated when people talk about their vacations. One of my least favorite things to do is getting stuck in a living room looking at photo albums of boring vacations people went on while pretending I give a fuck because I want them to give me the same kinda love when I bust out my photo albums or some shit when I go on Vacation. It’s just the way things work and when you’ve seen one vacation, you’ve seen them all. Girls at the beach, drunken good time, lots of scenery and tourist spots with jackasses posing next to them and I’d rather hit up photobucket and search “fart” or “tanlines”.

My other least favorite thing to do is sit in front of a computer writing useless stories about celebrities. Lucky for you, I came home to a broken computer that has no photoshop or any way for me to resize pictures so I have decided that either I turn this shit text based, which will be hell for all of you because without the pictures I am pretty much nothing, or I go out and talk to this drunken cowboy I met a couple years ago who has access to this kind of shit and who will hook me up if I find him someone to suck his dick.

I haven’t decided which way I am going to go but I have decided that it’s pretty expected that nothing ever goes smoothly, it is the story of my life and I guess so is this site…so come back later for some updates because I am back.

With Love,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

Posted in:stepUPDATE|Unsorted

2007

08

Aug

I am – stepLINKS of the Day

5 Comments »

Well kids, it’s been real, but Jesus is back in town and it’s time to give the badge back to the Sheriff.

Thanks for all the links and nice emails from all of you who took the time to send them. Honestly, there was alot, and I didn’t get an answer them all or post them all, but I did read them I assure you.

It looks like I’m going to be staying around to help with the family business, which some of you will be happy to hear and some of you are probably really pissed off about. Can’t please everyone tho, you know? I’ll be off for the next day or so however, most likely passed out in a gutter somewhere.

Oh and sorry to the people who got mad when I called Madonna’s kid an AIDS baby. I didn’t mean it in like the real AIDS baby sense, just like the joking AIDS baby sense. I promise I will try not to hurt your crybaby feelings anymore, deal?

So long, Virgins!!

hugs and kisses
Marie-eve Martinez

Krystal Blue
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Maybe K Fed Banger Britney’s mom
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This kid is smarter then you, of course maybe that isnt really saying much
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Because you can’t love your teddy bear forever….
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Ashley, Pete and KY sittin in tree
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Jessica Simpson = Major Asshole..I mean Movie Star
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Hackers Documentary
(no, not the movie with Angelina Jolie)
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Peaches Geldof topless
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Britney whores it up in the pool with some random
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Vintage Carleton Banks, kickin it old school
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How to : Remove Cd scratches with a banana
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Japanese porn industry embraces Blueray
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Drunk college chick gets fucked (NSFW)
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REAL Top Guns
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Lords and Ladies
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Barry Bonds breaks homerun record
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The Meth addict from Big Brother hates the Jews
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Idiot Truck driver learns he cant outrun a train
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Jennifer Ellison like whoa
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Mischa Barton dyed her hair
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Sarah Jessica Parker scares the shit out of me
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Tom Kat refused entry to St.Topez nightclub
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Olivia Munn likes weiners
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Im not really sure whats going on here, but this chick looks like Lohan
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Some Megan Fox pics
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Zac Efron is a homo….not that there’s anything wrong with that
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Idiot staples firecrackers to himself and lights them
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Lipstick Lesbians
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Hotties on the net
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How to : Annoy the person sitting next to you on the Plane
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Random gift basket
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Kat Von D lookin’ hott at the LA Ink Premiere
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Katie Price gets drunk
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Jenna Malone in a bikini
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Lena Hedley photoshoot
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More Jennifer Ellison Pics
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Rosanna Arquette is kinda hott
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Amy Winehouse cancels tour
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More Brad and Angie Rumors
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Get laid, it pays
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Posted in:stepLINKS|Unsorted

2007

08

Aug

I am – Sexy Beast Outside of the Fat Store of the Day

2 Comments »

I know it’s wrong to make fun of fat people, but the only people who say that are fat people, and skinny people who make fun of fat people behind their backs. My favorite fat people are the ones who know they are fat and don’t give a fuck.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez

Posted in:stepTV|Unsorted

2007

08

Aug

I am – Megan Fox in a Pink Dress of the Day

1 Comment »

Megan Fox

Julien and I share alot of sex stories and he got a little pissed at me the other night when I told him about one of my recent adventures, and decided to write about it today.

I was talking to a Marie-Eve about this guy that she slept with the other night. He was going down on her forever and he wasn’t even close to getting her off. She said that he was actually pretty bad at giving head but he kept trying and trying. I asked her why she let it go on so long and she goes “Well, he was really hot.”

Now I’m far from being the cunnilingus expert. I mean I’m COMPLETELY on the other side of the fucking coin. I wouldn’t go down there unless I was fucked up on a cocktail of GHB, ecstasy and A LOT of alcohol.

And if she also had the body of man.

And a dick.

And didn’t have a vagina.

The point is though I don’t care how fucking hot you are, if you suck at something really important (like giving head) I’m going to fire your ass. If you suck, you are pretty much dead to me. This isn’t exclusive to head of course. Take Megan Fox. Sheâ€™s all hot and shit and has a nice rack but she is awful. I mean she was the worst thing about that Transformers movie (the second worst thing was when I realized that there was NOT going to be a sex scene between Optimus Prime and Shia Laboeuf.) She is currently filming a new movie but I think she should save us a little pain and fucking quit now.

I bet she gives good head though.

Smooch!

Julien

Posted in:Megan Fox|Unsorted

2007

08

Aug

I am – Jaime Pressly in a White Dress and Ruining a Wedding of the Day

No Comments »

Jaime Pressly

So you may have read in the stepLINKS yesterday that I am trying to figure out a way to ruin my friend’s wedding this Saturday, mostly because I know he doesn’t want to marry this bitch and is to chicken shit to say so. Some people emailed me in suggestions and I thought this one was quite clever, though I would have to practice peeing standing up, which when you are a girl, requires upper leg strength and excellent aim. Thats alot to master by Saturday

Bill S Writes:

You want to ruin it….. well then you should fuck the groom at the location of the wedding and then strip naked at the reception, on a table, preferably the one with the wedding cake on it and piss on the cake! 🙂 that should ruin the event

Here’s Jaime Pressly in a white dress that you can pretend is a wedding dress, since you are a virgin and will never get married anyways. Now print these out quick and go carry her over the threshold into your room to “celebrate your union” before your Mom comes up the stairs and asks you to drive her to afternoon Bingo.

Don’t forget the tissue, you don’t want to ruin that nice dress of hers.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez

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Posted in:Jaime Pressly|Unsorted

2007

08

Aug

I am – Katherine McPhee's Underwear of the Day

1 Comment »

Katherine McPhee

All the trains were broken today (like your penis) and the buses were crowded as fuck. I shoved a nun to make room, reason #956 why I am going to Hell, but hell is probably full of some real fun assholes so I don’t care. What was really not fun was my night. I wore the world’s best short, boob dress with some pink bra exposed (tribute to Britney) which matched my hooker hot-pink heels. I showed up at my friend’s party and it was all skinny 22 year-old accountants with acne. I got wasted because there was nothing else left to do.

I tried to salvage the night by going to some bar this bartender i met in Chicago last November said he would be working at in January when he moved to the city, and told me i should pay him a visit. This bartender was fucking ripped and I wish I had remembered sooner because now it’s July, and surprise, he doesn’t work there anymore. To make things worse, everyone in the place fell out of Anne Taylor and J Crew catalogues and were all paired off like good little spoonfed WASPs. So I just sat there in my party slut gear, nursing a gin and tonic. The only guys that weren’t saddled with brides-in-waiting were really into the game, and I know nothing about sports, and sauntering up to them in my whore getup was just too much of a hooker flashback for me. Plus they were wearing chinos and loafers and I hate assholes in loafers. I finished my drink and went home, and got cat-called at by around 6 mexicans so I know I definitely looked like a hooker. I should have just gone to some bar in the East Village where I would have fit in better and gotten laid.

Here is Katharine McPhee flashing you her underwear on the set of some movie that is probably gonna be as good as that American Idol movie “From Justin to Kelly.” She is annoying and WASPy like all those cunts last night.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)
EMAIL ME HERE

I am – The Katherine McPhee Weight Loss Plan of the Day
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I am – Katherine McPhee’s Cleavage of the Day
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Posted in:Katherine McPhee|Underwear|Unsorted|Upskirt

2007

08

Aug

I am – Katherine McPhee’s Underwear of the Day

1 Comment »

Katherine McPhee

All the trains were broken today (like your penis) and the buses were crowded as fuck. I shoved a nun to make room, reason #956 why I am going to Hell, but hell is probably full of some real fun assholes so I don’t care. What was really not fun was my night. I wore the world’s best short, boob dress with some pink bra exposed (tribute to Britney) which matched my hooker hot-pink heels. I showed up at my friend’s party and it was all skinny 22 year-old accountants with acne. I got wasted because there was nothing else left to do.

I tried to salvage the night by going to some bar this bartender i met in Chicago last November said he would be working at in January when he moved to the city, and told me i should pay him a visit. This bartender was fucking ripped and I wish I had remembered sooner because now it’s July, and surprise, he doesn’t work there anymore. To make things worse, everyone in the place fell out of Anne Taylor and J Crew catalogues and were all paired off like good little spoonfed WASPs. So I just sat there in my party slut gear, nursing a gin and tonic. The only guys that weren’t saddled with brides-in-waiting were really into the game, and I know nothing about sports, and sauntering up to them in my whore getup was just too much of a hooker flashback for me. Plus they were wearing chinos and loafers and I hate assholes in loafers. I finished my drink and went home, and got cat-called at by around 6 mexicans so I know I definitely looked like a hooker. I should have just gone to some bar in the East Village where I would have fit in better and gotten laid.

Here is Katharine McPhee flashing you her underwear on the set of some movie that is probably gonna be as good as that American Idol movie “From Justin to Kelly.” She is annoying and WASPy like all those cunts last night.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)
EMAIL ME HERE

I am – The Katherine McPhee Weight Loss Plan of the Day
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I am – Katherine McPheeâ€™s Tits of the Day
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I am – Katherine McPheeâ€™s Cleavage of the Day
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Posted in:Katherine McPhee|Underwear|Unsorted|Upskirt

2007

08

Aug

I am – Lindsay Lohan ELLE Interview Clip of the Day

3 Comments »

I try not to report on to much actual news, even if it is celebrity related, only cause we aren’t a new site, and I’m not a reporter. But in a nut shell, there was this article in ELLE magazine where Lohan was talking about how she was actually so good, and how everyone just waits for her to screw up and how she wouldn’t drive drunk and violate her probation. This all being BEFORE her SECOND stint in rehab, she is now on her third after her recent arrest for drunk driving AGAIN. Fucking funny. She also talks about her new movie and how its “REALLY SCARY!!”.

LIKE OMG!!!

Anyways, this is video taken from the interview, so you can listen to her kiss Karl Lagerfelds ass and talk about her “style”, even tho she has a stylist and doesn’t choose anything she wears herself, except maybe the ring of cocaine around her right nostril, or the left one when she starts to get sores in the right.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez

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