Jessica Biel Archives - Page 6 of 8 Archive - DrunkenStepFather.com

2007

20

Jun

I am – Jessica Biel in a Bikini for GQ of the Day

I don’t usually bother with magazine pictures because they are doctored, boring and taken by professionals. I also don’t get as excited as I do when I rip off pictures taken by immigrant’s with cameras trying to live the dream by taking pictures of famous people doing everyday things, like walking their dogs, working out, walking the red carpet, eating, nipple slipping, see through dressing, but these Jessica Biel in a bikini pictures were worth doing because she looks worth a fuck for a change.

I rip into her for being built like a dude, with her broad shoulders and sturdy frame that could probably hurt me if she decided to come after me when she finds me hiding under her bed when I become more ambitious at getting the hottest content on the site, which won’t happen because I am lazy, but I was just saying.

She’s addicted to working out, she probably doesn’t have a cock, but that doesn’t mean bitch isn’t a top and if she does, the thing was photoshopped out, so I guess that’s the benefit of these professional pictures, it allows you to get off to a man, without thinking you’re getting off to a man, and means you’re not as gay as your friends think you are for always trying to get them to show you their dicks.

I once knew a football player who told me that you’re not a real man until you’ve had a dick in your mouth. He said that if you suck a guy off and don’t get turned on in the process that it is the best test of your comfort in your sexuality. I don’t really agree, to me the second you’ve got your buddy’s load dripping down the back of your throat, whether you got off or not, you’re a fucking ‘mo.

2007

04

Jun

I am – Gay Porn Moment of the Day

3 Comments »

I hate this Sarah Silverman bitch. She looks like shit and is about as funny as the rash on my balls that won’t go away. I know to other people a rash on my balls that won’t go away could cause a good fucking laugh, but the bleeding, burning and infection I have to deal with daily makes it not very funny at all. Watching her make lame shit and piss jokes that she thinks are fucking hysterical and that were kinda pushing the limit and were better than anything that fat gay dude from Hollywood Squares with the red plastic glasses could do it still makes me question my sexuality, because if there are women like that in the world I don’t know if I can look at vagina the same way ever again. Since I am impotent, I guess the fact that I don’t get it up kinda makes me asexual and reality is that there are so many amazing girls in the world that I wouldn’t give up on a whole race because of one bad apple, so in my mind I’ll just pretend this slut has a dick, which isn’t too much of a stretch.

On the same note, Jessica Biel is more ripped than Paris Hilton’s vagina after the night she spent with Rick Solomon in the hotel room that she’ll never live down. That shit will follow her for life like her herpes but this post is about Jessica Biel and Sarah Silverman, two dudes in women’s clothing, trying to make you laugh but almost making out on MTV and how there is nothing hot about that unless you’re a motherfucker who likes tranny porn. Obviously there are a lot of tranny porn lovers out there because porn companies make this shit and I can only assume that the 15 of you fuckers who read this site are probably in that market because I attract the fucking winners.

Either way, this is your Gay Porn Moment of the day because if these bitches don’t have dicks, I will be fucking surprised. Don’t let their tits deceive you. Remember that they have ruined a hot fantasy of girl on girl that may never have the same appeal it once had….

2007

31

May

I am – Jessica Biel Takes Out the Trash of the Day

1 Comment »

I am not sure if these are taken outside her house or if they are some set of a movie, but since this bitch barely works and is barely famous and has barely had any career other than paparazzi taking pictures of her jogging, I can assume that they were taken outside her house or if anything they were taken on set of a “Borax” commercial. I don’t know what “Borax” is but it’s gotta be something paying Biel to promote it. Everybody’s got to make a living somehow and I am trying to make a living talking about where pictures of Jessica Biel were fucking taken. That is a lot lamer than it sounds and it sounds pretty fucking lame to me.

Either way, I learned that the key to being a success is by telling people how amazing everything you produce is. I was invited to the Gwen Stefani show the other night, because my stepduaghter’s rich friend had a ticket for a chaperone, because as a rich kid, her parents wanted nothing to do with anything that involved her. I didn’t get free tickets because people want me at their event like I was Perez Hilton, but I am fatter than him.

Either way, before Gwen Stefani dropped a song she’d say that that song was her favorite and everyone would fucking scream. If I was ever on stage, I’d be like “I don’t know what I was thinking when I wrote this smut, but since you bought tickets to see me do this, here it goes” like I was your dancing monkey…

So the life lesson is that if you tell someone that something is amazing, most people will believe you, because most people are idiots who need to be told what’s up, so even if what you do is shit, pretend it’s amazing and your conviction will convince….

Either way, here are those Biel in a Bathrobe pics for your Bathrobe and Slipper Fetishists….and remember, this is one of my favorite posts of all time, now believe it. Asshole and remember there’s a Gwen Stefani performing video that’s going to hit one day soon. Watch out for it. Asshole.

Posted in:Bathrobe|Candids|Garbage|Jessica Biel|Unsorted

2007

16

May

I am – Justin Timberlake Slams Jessica Biel of the Day

2 Comments »

I am not really a news story type of person because I don’t really ever know what the fuck is going on. I have been doing this site for a long fucking time and still need the message board I rip the pictures off of to tell me what I am looking at. I have done a lot of Jessica Biel posts and I didn’t even know who the fuck I was looking at in these so I guess I am not like your everyday virgin blogger who sits at his computer in his spiderman suit thinking that running a celeb site will get him all the pussy he never got before he found out he could make money from all the pics he saved on his hard drive but was too scared of jerking off to because maybe it would make a mess or some shit….

Either way, Justin Timberlake is slamming this girl. I assume she’s hot in person because every vagina around was being thrown at this motherfucker when he broke up with Cameron Diaz and if this broad shouldered D-Lister is what he ends up with for another 4 years, dude’s a fucking idiot…..or maybe just into bitches who can beat him up.

I heard that people with power are into being bottoms and dominated by chicks. I knew a whore who used to go to lawyer’s houses and either step on them in high heels or fuck them up the ass with cured meat…I would just do acid with her and watch the news….but I wasn’t paying her, she just liked my company….I like to think she ended up in a Pretty Woman story, but reality is she’s probably still getting high with homeless motherfuckers…

Posted in:Ass|Jessica Biel|Justin Timberlake|Relationship|Unsorted

2007

02

May

I am – Jessica Biel Plays With Her Dogs of the Day

1 Comment »

Life is repetitive. Most people have shitty jobs you have to go to and on the way to your shitty jobs you stop at the same shitty coffee shop for a shitty coffee where the same coffee shop chick gives you your coffee and smiles while asking how they are by name, because you go their too fucking often. Then you get to the job and do the same shitty tasks you’ve done for the last 3 shitty years you’ve been working at the fucking company that doesn’t even remember your name and if they do it’s because you’re the bitch at the office who does the photocopies for them, and management never wants to piss off the company bitch…Lunch is at the same 4 places that are around the office for the same meals you have each fucking week, sometimes you feel experimental and order the fish of the day, but that’s just because part of you is hoping it’s rancid and will kill you so that you don’t have to ever step foot in their ever again….Then you go back to the office to go through the same tasks you’ve done over and over and sometimes you stay late to finish them off and make yourself look good so that the next raise day your boss will really notice how important you are to the inner workings of the organization…then you head home exhausted to watch tv alone and eat a frozen dinner, or maybe you are married and have a girlfriend you go home to hang out with or fight with or bitch at about how shitty your day was, you watch the same shows, or maybe a movie you rented then pass out for it all to happen again tomorrow. Nothing to look forward to, except maybe a vacation you’ll never be able to afford because you have to plan a wedding with your chick or else she’s going to leave you and the thought of going through this hell life alone scares you more than ditching a trip….

Thank god the repetitive hell that is my life isn’t as bad as yours, being poor and unemployed gives me the luxury of wondering the street aimlessly, but I guess maintaining this site is repeptitive sometimes because these are pictures of Jessica Biel and her dogs, again and it feels like I see this shit ever fucking day and I talk about how those dogs have eaten her used tampons out of the garbage, her dirty panties out of the hamper, licked her used vibrator she forgot to put away, seen her shit, piss and throw up. These dogs have see her fuck and get fucked and get experimental while she fucks…they have seen her run around her house naked…..but for some reason I kinda like this kind of repetitiveness, if I could I’d totally get a boner now. How’s that make you feel pervert?

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Posted in:Jessica Biel|Tits|Unsorted

2007

01

May

I am – Jessica Biel Makes Sex Faces of the Day

46 Comments »

I guess this is a total fucking stretch, but since I am a fucking pervert, I have no problem taking pictures of girls leaving events and turning them into porn, I’d say it was a talent, but I think it may actually be a bit of a disorder.

After actually cropping the pictures like a migrant worker, which is pretty much what I am, I realized that she isn’t even really making sex faces, she just looks better than usually because she isn’t flexing. I really have no problem with a toned body, I actually find that shit hot because a girl who takes care of her abs and hits the gym on the regular, usually maintains her stinky parts so that they don’t stink.

I have a friend at the park who is completely obsessed with girls who have stinky poons. He thinks that shit is sexy, like it’s how a girl is supposed to smell. He’s dated girls and made them not shower for weeks at a time to get the stink that really drives him crazy. I was pretty disgusted by it because despite not showering myself, I got issues with other people stinking especially when that other person is who I am banging, but reality is that I guess we are animals and we probably didn’t shower when we lived in caves and maybe the stinkiest cunt was actually the most desirable one because we could sniff that shit out from a mile away and knock the bitch up, knowing she was the whore monkey who wanted babies.

I guess that isn’t really the point of this post, the post is the Jessica Biel is probably drunk and since every girl I ever got with was fucked up one way or another, maybe those glazed eyes and greasy face are what I equate to a good fucking time….

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I am – Jessica Biel In Her Underwear

I am – Jessica Biel’s See Through Shirt

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Posted in:Jessica Biel|Sex|Unsorted

2007

16

Apr

I am – Jessica Biel is a Total Dyke of the Day

2 Comments »

Here are pictures of Jessica Biel going to church to try and figure shit out, I am pretty sure she’s making sure god loves her before actually announcing to the world that she eats pussy, even though her broad shoulders and pantsuit are pretty much doing the job for her. I know fags and all the fags I know did some serious soul searching before declaring they were faggot. Some joined the church, some went to therapy, while others sucked dick in the bathroom at a gay bar. Whether they chose to come out, decided it was a phase, or bottled that shit up, they still did it wearing women’s panties. So we know that Biel is halfway there.

I was at a party this weekend where 2 girls were dyking out in the dark corner. I was convinced that it would lead to some public finger banging, so I started watching. I was next to a hot chick who was doing the same, but for some reason, when they noticed they had an audience of two, they singled me out as the pervert, got up and invited the girl who was staring at them with me to an after party, before spitting in my face. Life’s not fair, except if you’re a lesbian. That’s the story I learned.

Posted in:Jessica Biel|Unsorted

2007

29

Mar

I am – Jessica Biel in her Underwear for some Shitty Movie of the Day

3 Comments »

There’s some stripper at my local strip club who is on steroids. She has been working there as long as I have been going there and I never really understood it because I generally like my strippers to look like they have Vagina’s, but I guess they need to have something for everyone. I remember playing drinking games with friends and the loser had to get a lap dance in the back for her.

There was a time when I worked at a porno company and they were aggressively pushing the tranny shit. I never really understood it because I generally like my porno’s to have girls with pussies and not dicks. But I guess a lot of faggots don’t like admitting they are faggots because of their family background, wives, families, jobs and shit.

That said, Jessica Biel is a little too masculine for me and I think I can see her balls hanging out o the side of her panties, but maybe it’s just a clit the size of a grown man’s thumb, I’m really no expert.

Download the trailer to this movie – where the screencaps are from – HERE

Posted in:Jessica Biel|Unsorted

2007

27

Mar

I am – Jessica Biel’s a Lesbian of the Day

11 Comments »

I love bowling. It is official. I ended up going and it was a dream come true. I saw all kinds of weird fucking people, like the professional asians with wrist guards and shit to the 300 pound bitch behind the counter that was too fucking fat to get me change but not fat enough to be my wife. I bowled a solid 60 and drank enough beer to make me forget how I can’t do anything right, all while watching the piece of trash chick in spandex in the lane next to me out bowl me not that I would really know because I was too busy staring at her ass. I don’t think that bowling slut was a dyke, even though you would think anyone who bowls has to be a fucking lesbian, but I do think Jessica Biel is because it makes for a solid fantasy. All i see is her with some chick that looks like a dude buying toilet paper to wipe their cum shots off each other’s chests, but I am not always right.

Posted in:Jessica Biel|Unsorted

2007

27

Mar

I am – Jessica Biel's a Lesbian of the Day

No Comments »

I love bowling. It is official. I ended up going and it was a dream come true. I saw all kinds of weird fucking people, like the professional asians with wrist guards and shit to the 300 pound bitch behind the counter that was too fucking fat to get me change but not fat enough to be my wife. I bowled a solid 60 and drank enough beer to make me forget how I can’t do anything right, all while watching the piece of trash chick in spandex in the lane next to me out bowl me not that I would really know because I was too busy staring at her ass. I don’t think that bowling slut was a dyke, even though you would think anyone who bowls has to be a fucking lesbian, but I do think Jessica Biel is because it makes for a solid fantasy. All i see is her with some chick that looks like a dude buying toilet paper to wipe their cum shots off each other’s chests, but I am not always right.

Posted in:Jessica Biel|Unsorted

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