I just woke up, it’s noon, and I realize that my life isn’t as bad as yours when it comes to being able to be lazy, since I don’t have to wake up or deal with some bosses shit all day as he makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit, caged and slaving for an hour lunch break to remind me what freedom feels like before going back to do my bullshit job for an unappreciative boss who is exploiting me.

The only issue with not working is that I don’t have a lot of money to do the things I want to do, even though everyone I know with jobs are almost as broke as me because they have to fuel their depression by buying useless things. But I guess I’d like to spend a weekend on George Clooney’s yacht like I was Cindy Crawford, because I always wanted to have a black man stand outside my shower to hand me towels because I find pickin’ the shit up for myself demeaning and too labor intensive and my life won’t be complete. I understand why my wife makes me wipe her ass and it’s not for medical reasons, or because she’s lazy, it’s because behind all her poor white trash ways, she’s got the same needs as a classy chick.

Either way, my life is still shitty even though I don’t have a job, but because I have a disgusting wife and on this Monday morning, Cindy Crawford has done a good job reminding me that as she she lives large with her hot 40 year old body.

Posted in:Uncategorized

In my worldly travels to the local strip club, I once met a 65 year old strippers with massive tits who was still working the pole. Her shit was pretty boring, her ass was flabby and her flexibility was barely there, but she had hot old lady tits that I knew had seen so many hands and mouths that I just had to have a run with her. I decided to take her into the booth and grab her tits and do what you do, maybe because I don’t have a grandmother or maybe it was just because I wanted to see how a seasoned veteran performs. It turned out to be a fuckin’ disaster. She couldn’t get into any hot positions because her body wouldn’t let her and she she was too busy struggling to get her clothes off for me to get hard for those ridiculous tits only menopause could make and the whole thing reminded me of a fuckin’ old timers softball/hockey/basketball game where these old pros come out to play with everyday people and end up suckin’ harder than the everyday people suck because they are tired and sore. I guess the highlight of the whole thing was when her incontinence lead her to squirting piss on my legs after squatting over me, I didn’t get mad because bladder control’s totally overrated anyway…..

Point is that I predict a similar future for Carmen Electra, but at least she’s doing her best flaunting what she’s still got….

Posted in:Uncategorized

Adriana was kidnapped from her tribe in Brazil by Victoria’s Secret who have people recruiting models from all parts of the world and by recruiting I mean kidnapping, which is pretty smart considering tribes don’t have phones or internet to contact the outside world and file a missing person’s report.

I was told that her deal is going to spend as much time with the brand as she can before she gets old, battered and they send her back to where she’s from. I guess it’s a good trade off, because she gets to travel the world, live in luxury and have guys everywhere masturbate to her and that’s a whole lot more appealing than dancing around a fire eating bananas, even if shit’s not forever it’ll make for exciting stories for the tribe’s people when she comes back in a few years with her grass skirt and coconut top on, that Victoria’s Secret has put aside for her so that it looks like she never left but I predict that she sneaks in one of her bras for them to worship as some kind of icon sent from above.

Either way, here she is doing what she was kidnapped to do and that’s promote everything and anything Victoria’s Secret.

Posted in:Uncategorized

I used to watch Judge Judy when I had a TV, I don’t know why because she’s kind of an irritating Jewish woman who is too judgmental to be a judge, that may not make sense, but bitch would bring her own bias and opinion about the cases to the courtroom making the entire case a fucking joke and it was fun watching her and her unjust courtroom. The cameras were rolling during the Earthquake and this video is funny.

Posted in:Uncategorized

The thing I like about hot chicks is that they are willing to sacrifice their dignity for money. It’s like we all know if Flavio Briatore worked at McDonald’s making burgers, or at the post office sellin’ stamps, or as a plumber uncloggin’ pipes not layin pipe, dude would be sitting at home jerking off to informercials like he was me, but throw a couple of millions of dollars into a motherfucker’s wallet and all the pussy opens up like shit’s on its period and ready for the million dollar tampon that is his dick.

There’s an old saying that it’s as easy to fall in love with a poor man as it is to fall in love with a rich man, so you might as well ignore the poor and go for the rich, but that kind of attitude is like prostitution when the rich man looks like a fucking monster and the only way bitch can get wet for him is when she closes her eyes, thinks of someone a little younger and better lookin’ while holding onto his Black American Express card.

Posted in:Uncategorized

I think your Commander in Cheif is pretty hysterical. Sure, I wouldn’t want him running my country, let alone my household, but dude definitely would be good to hire to MC a wedding, or a High School Graduation.

Now I don’t know shit about American politics, I don’t know shit about the American economy, other than that gas prices are high, the dollar is low, people are going bankrupt, losing their houses and forced to third world living conditions with starvation and no healthcare.

So as you all get no love from your government, as some of you suffer and lose your jobs and rack up more debt, and as the rest of the world laughs and stays as far away from the USA as they can, your President is throwing press conferences that he asks people to turn their cameras off mid-speech so that he can explain the real reason why the market’s gone to shit and it goes like this “Wall Street is Drunk, What We See Now is a Hangover”.

So your President blamed the economy of being drunk, that’s why it’s not performing, kinda like the time I raped a girl and pleaded not-guilty because the booze made me do it, only my drunk excuse was a little more realistic, since Wall Street can’t drink and I still got booked.

Maybe Wall Street was drunk but that sounds more like the explanation of the country as a whole when they voted for Bush as President and maybe the Wall Street issue is just caused by the fact that your country is a trillion dollars in debt because of the war for oil masked as a war on terrorism.

But like I said, I know nothing about politics, but thought it was funny to see your President make such a stupid fucking statement. I guess dude’s trying to tap into his dreams of being a stand-up comedian or some shit, but should probably wait until he is replaced by Obama before touring the comedy clubs. Maybe he should just consider dealing with issues in a straight up way to try to redeem himself for all the damage he’s done so that he doesn’t go to hell, instead of feeding more meaningless bullshit excuses by saying things that don’t make any sense and just confuse everyone listening, in hopes of shutting them up.

I guess I shouldn’t really care, and should just go back to staring at my testicles in the mirror as I like to do.

Posted in:Uncategorized