I'll Make You Famous…
 
 

2006

01

Sep

I am – Lohan in Maui in a Bikini of the Day

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I guess my live blog was a disaster. So I am posting some new Lohan in a bikini pictures. I am not doing this so make you happy, because I don’t really care what you think most of the time. I am doing this because I have been following Lohan’s disaster of a life since the site started in 2004. This little spoiled cunt is my main character and if my main character is in Maui with her millioniare crippled boyfriend, I am going to be the one posting the pics. Especially since the rumor is that this may be the end of Lohan and that he’s going to be proposin’ on this trip. We all know she is going to say yes. The wounded birds alway say yes. Speaking of wounded birds, some of the best porn stars and strippers have daddy issues. It’s got somethingt to do with craving male attention. When a man like Morton offers to be her emotional support system/husband she’ll automatically say yes, not because she loves him, but because she loves that he has a penis and will care for her. Something she’s never had because her father was too drunk or in prison and her mom was too busy riding her to the top so that she could live the celebrity life she always wanted but couldn’t because she was just a usless Rockette/failure. That’s the story I heard. I didn’t sleep much last night. Maybe I should go back to bed. Cuddles.

Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

2006

01

Sep

I am – Live Bloggin the VMAs of the Day

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Disclaimer: Do not read this – It’s Pretty fucking boring and badly written….I am only posting it because I went to all the trouble of trying to write it So here it goes…

8:00 – VMA’s are Starting. Jay Z is doing some NYC Pride intro, I guess cuz they were in Miami last year and since black people from New York are a little too proud. Either way there’s some homo dancing like he’s wearing fairy boots, I wonder if it’s K-fed. Maybe it’s Justin Timberlake. I have no idea, I am so not down with pop culture…..It is Justin Timberlake. It was my second guess, I am pretty impressed that I figured that out on my own. Damn dude sings like an angel. I wonder if this is getting his girl wet in the panties, I know every 15 year old is probably wet in their panties. That kind of comment can land me in jail. I know this Sexy Back song. It’s his new hit. Cameron is dripping right now. I sense it. Why do white boys need black dudes to make music, aren’t they confident enough in their own skills? He gave two NYC shout outs, way to work the crowd. It’s like when bands are in shitty cities and they scream “what’s up Decateur” and the whole crowd goes nuts. It’s like saying “God Bless our Troops”….Someone is taking camera phone pics…I bet they end up on myspace….they just bleeped out a swear word, Justin’s way hardcore dropping the word Mother Fucker on TV… kids are watching this shit….Nice, another NYC shout out…he just asked me to say Yeah Yeah…so here it goes YEAH YEAH. He’s Beatboxing…that’s mad fucking homo. I hate beat boxers. It’s done now. Thank god. I think I am having a heart attack.

8:07 – JT is in a robe, Jack Black in a space suit. He’s probably trying to look like the award they give out. This is pretty fucking weak. He just made a fart joke. I bet all the 15 year olds watching are laughing now. Bringing the Thunder seems to be Jack Black’s theme for the show. He keeps saying it. Now he’s singing in an Elvis suit. He just said erection. I bet 15 year olds are laughing at this one too. I don’t understand how someone so fat can be so fit. Dude’s running around and hasn’t had a heart attack. I can’t even walk up a flight of stairs without my Asthma pump… Ok I am – bored of this already. My heart’s still racing. I hope it’s indigestion and not me dying from the intensity of this show…..

8:12 – Montel Williams is here. His Mutiple Sclerosis won’t get him down. Yet….

8:13 – Lou Reed is cool shit he’s playing with The Raconteurs. I really like Lou Reed and I really like The Raconteurs. MTV gets a Thumbs Up for that one, that’s the story I heard.

8:14 – Lil Kim is trash and is walking out in prison coveralls, she just got stripped down by her fake prison guard escorts and said “the girl is back”. I didn’t even realize she was gone. She just thanked the inmates she did time with and said that you can’t keep a good bitch down. Classy. She’s a disgrace to the race. Tell your black friends and family members to call their friends in gangs and get her shot. Just a little advice if you want the blacks to win survivor….you’re only as strong as your weakest member….

8:15 – Best Male Video – Didn’t Go To Gym Ass Blast 14 – the winner is James Blunt, which is almost the same. His songs are that intense and I seem to have heard him everywhere today. He was on Oprah today.

StepRULE 8 – Oprah Knows Who Wins

BTW – I won’t make it to the end of the show. I am already bored and dying. I have taken my pulse 10 times…

8:18 – James Blunt said he’ll race you to the bar. I guess that means he’s an alcoholic. I am offended that such a talent would drink his life away. I blame his girlfriend, that Petra Tsunami Russian Bitch, she probably knows she’s too hot for him….

8:24 – Andre 3000’s got some HOT boots on, If he was a chick I’d make him wear them while I fuck him from behind. That sounded gayer than Justin Timberlake’s beatboxing….

I wonder if my clock is right…wouldn’t it be funny if all these posts were 2 or 3 minutes off, that would really fuck with some of your heads when you cross reference this against your notes – I should do that on purpose….

8:25 – I have SERIOUS indigestion/a heart attack and the screen is blurry. I need a nap….

8:27 – Fergie won. She’s in a T-shirt Dress and one of the BEP just did a flip or something. It’s like a circus up in here.

8:29 – I can smell what The Rock is cooking and it smells like shit. I just gagged, but that could have been my wife’s dirty laundry in the pile next to me….

8:30 – Shakira featuring Wyclef- Hips Don’t Lie. She’s doing some Hindu belly dance shit. I thought she was South American not a dot. She’s wearing a strapless bra. It’s hard to not want to fuck a girl that moves like that even if she’s got short stumpy legs and no tits. It looks like she’s cummin’ on stage, not that I know what female orgasm is, I used to be more of a let me finish and get the fuck the out kind of thing. If She’s all smiles cuz she knows dudes are going to be jerking off to this when it hits YouTube. I wonder if Wyclef knows that he’s balding. I blame a bad diet when he was growing up in Haiti.

8:34 Christina Aguilera’s husband has his hat on backwards and sideways, it’s perched

8:35 – Jackass guys hurt Bam. That was funny. I love the Jackass guys and Knoxville’s Popeye hat is fucking cool. You should all be wearing Popeye Hats and I know some of you already are, Posers.

Why do I bother doing this shit. No one will read this or is reading this…..

8:46 Girls in gold and green sexy outfits are dancing for Pharell and Ludacris. Now the Pussy Cat dolls are the back-up dancers. They don’t look that hot. I thought they were supposed to be in Lingerie.

8:50 – Sarah Silverman made a Lance Bass is Gay joke, Now she is saying how space travel is gay. She actually said space travel is the Liza Minelli of Travel. She would have been better off making a Sarah Silverman is not funny joke.

9:00 – Jessica Simspon is wearing a short fucking dress, I think I just saw her ass, Now I am distracted by her massive man shoulders. Looks like bitch would make a good lumberjack/trucker/she’s fucking ripped. She just “pushed her tush” and fumbled her words, all I could do was stare at her pulsating calf muscles….Pussycat Dolls just won the first and hopefully last time in their lives. Everyone deserves their 15 minutes. Except maybe you, because you are a loser. Especially if you are reading this….

9:05 – The band with the treadmill choreography video on YouTube is doing their treadmill dance live. I call this beating a dead horse. We all saw your video on Youtube dudes, we get it you can dance using treadmills….Unfortunately, no one fell on their face…they deserve

9:14 – Steve-O let a lobster clamp onto his tongue. Not that funny.

9:15 – Paris hilton is wearing a Tutu and Jack Black made a sex tape joke. She sounds like an idiot because she is one.

9:21 – Pink just won and we can see her bra. She’s mocking Paris Hilton for being a dumb bitch and that skinny cunt Nicole Richie is laughing. Pink doesn’t realize she has a penis.

9:35 – Beyonce is wearing a trench coat, vinyl booty shorts, a vinyl bra and vinyl boots that go up past her knees. One of the back-up dancers has HUGE tits. Shit. This is an intense dance. I just got myself pregnant watching it. There goes the coat. These pics will be all over the net in about 10 mins. she’s on all fours dude. This is the most Porno performance I’ve ever seen on TV.

9:50 – TI can’t speak english. He’s got his own language going on. I feel like I am watching a couple of retarded kids learning how to play baseball….I think this is how they’d act, but they wouldn’t be wearing sunglasses, they’d have safety goggles on. He goes by the name “KING” that’s pretty fucking obnoxious. Look what a platinum record does to a simple cotton picker.

9:53 – Jared Leto is wearing a scarf, gloves and make-up. It makes me feel uncomfortable. He is probably the one who gave Lohan Aids, cuz there’s no way someone who doesn’t have Aids would dress like this….

10:06 – Panic at the Disco performs. DrunkenStepSteve used to blast their music when he lived on my couch and I hated their music. Here they are dancing around in 1800s outfits. I feel like I am at a Brothel. The whore back up dancers were lifting up their skirts. The band still sucks….

10:09 – Fergie’s in a short skirt and she’s holding it down so no one sees her mangled box. I just saw panty when Little Miss Sunshine started dancing with her. She’s 10 and already learning to be a slut. Thanks MTV. Thanks Fergie.

10:15 – They just said “is Christina out of wardrobe yet”, you know what that means!!! TITTIES…..

10:20 – Britney and Kevin are doing some kind of VMA skit. There is bleeped out swearing, she asked Kevin if his smokes are up his ass and they lost their baby. I just witnessed a disaster by my standards and I don’t have standards. I wonder how proud her parents are….

10:24 – Kanye wears an Yves St Laurent T-shirt and said that the music he makes is the soundtrack to our lives…not my life….my soundtrack is a fat wife with sleep apnea. Sounds of gasping of gasping for air, snoring and death….

10:42 – X-tina performs she is wearing a red dress and no tit action. She’s dead to me.

11:08 – Al Gore just said he’s bringing sexy back! He spoke about the environment. That’s not all that sexy.

11:10 – They just cued Axl Rose. He has braids. It reminds me of a Jewish 10 year old who just got back from Family vacation to Mexico.

That’s enough for me… I am tired.
Bonus Pics of Some Blonde Trash Arriving at the Awards:

Ice T’s Coco

Brooke Hogan

Posted in:stepLIVEBloggin'|Uncategorized|Unsorted

2006

31

Aug

I am – Harry Morton is Still a Retard of the Day

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It is unlike me to post after I post the stepLINKS but today is a special day. Harry Morton just bought an engagement ring at Cartier and plans on proposing to Lohan this weekend. I assume dude’s knocked her up and that’s why her uterus is lookin a little fatter than usual. Another AIDS baby is just what the world needs. Morton probably should have used a condom. I’d like to thanks his Grandfather and Father for their restaurant money making skills that put him in a position to knock up Lohan.

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Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

2006

31

Aug

I am – stepLINKS of the Day

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I am so fucking excited. Not because James Blunt is on Oprah, but because it is the VMAs. This is my favorite award show and I think I am going to liveblog this fucker. For those of you who don’t know what liveblogging is, it’s some lame blogger terminology that screams “I AM A VIRGIN” and means I write a post as I watch the award shows because that’s how important I think my opinion is. I doubt I’ll do it. I am lazy and hungover today.

On a side note, my traffic has gone to shit and I got this email explaining why:

I can no longer get my drunken stepfather while at work. The site drunkenstepfather.com has been flagged as a “Malicious Web Site” by the program Websense. Websense is a program that companies use to stop their employees from going to “inappropriate” websites.

John Travolta Gay Kiss – Weird GO

What he forgot to mention is that people stopped visiting the site because it sucks and so do these links….but click them, then watch the VMAs at 8pm, then go chase some skirts. Homo.

Last Night’s Party is at the Magic Tradeshow for Ben Sherman because Corporations Like to Run After Things they are told are cool. So They Fly Weird Gay Black Photographer’s Around the Fucking Globe cuz they have a Hipster Following. I Will Never Be the Next Big Thing…..But the Tits in These Pics Might Be….
GO

stepMUSIC: Wax on Radio
GO

This Made the National News Yesterday, So that Means It’s Old News, It’s CNN’s Audio Fuck Up. It’s Funny.
GO

This is Cracked Magazines Top 10 VMA Moments, Smart Thinking To Promote This Today Guys!
GO

Paris Hilton Has Sucked 3 Dicks in Her Life
GO

Here are 4 Young Blondes Posing Naked
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Superficial Friends is a Cartoon by Heavy. I saw this Floating Around Last Week, So I am Linking it Here Today
GO

A Weekly Paper in Seattle has a Feature Called Ask a Mexican. Sadly, I am not as Famous.
GO

Jessica Alba’s Tight Ass
GO

Angelina Jolie and Her Tattoos Pics
GO

Hot or Not: Alice Greczyn
GO

Pictures of People Humping Things Always Remind Me that Life Can Be Funny
GO

This Dude Claims to be a Receptionist at a Management Company, and Makes Videos While at Work. IF it’s True, I predict he gets hired by SNL or gets his own TV show. He is the LastNightsParty of YouTube
GO

Some More Beyonce Nipple/Cleavage/HUGE AREOLA Pics
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Some Tits on Flickr
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A Place to Meet Swingers
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This blog is funnier than mine but Dude writes a lot and I hate reading. From what I did read he is funnier than me (not saying much) and has pics of asian cunt
GO

The New Survivor Puts Different Races Against Each Other. I am Rooting for the Spics.
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GO

Christina Ricci Smoking – Post Written by an ex-Hustler Editor – Mean’s Dude’s More Reputable than Me…
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Some Girl’s Making her Vag Smoke
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Some Young Looking Girl Getting All Naked and Shit
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Here’s Some Michael Jordan Footage, Reminding Us All That He Was Hero to Basketball
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This is FUCKING JOKES, This Bitch Plays Videogames with a Headset, Bitch is a Geek, and Get Naked
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WickedWeasel has a New Contributor Update
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Buy Absinthe and Have a Good Ol’ Time, I need to Sell 100 Bottles or I get Sued, If any of you buy, email me so I know they aren’t Lying to Me.
GO

Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

2006

31

Aug

I am – James Jagger Turns 18 of the Day

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I am always up for a birthday party, especially when it is someone’s 18th bday because there’s just something about barely legal girls, something called me going to prison, but that’s not the point of this post, the point is to say that this is James Jagger’s birthday party and he happens to be loaded to the tits financially because his father is Mick Jagger and his mother is that slag Jerry Hall. I dropping two british expressions in this post is overkill, but I’ll do it anyway. So anyway, this kid’s got his whole life of drug abuse and laziness ahead of him and he’ll be doing it in fucking style with sluts that look like these girls on his arm. I’d like to sit hear and pretend I am not jealous of him, because with money comes great responsibilty or some shit, but with 2 dollars in my wallet, comes hunger, starvation and death. Think about it.

Here’s another couple of stepRULEs for you fuckers.

stepRULE 6: Don’t Drop Too Many British Expressions or People Will Think You’re a Cunt

AND

stepRULE 7: Do not envy a rich kid, just become friends with one, get dirt on him and bribe him (if you’re a chick get knocked up by him and don’t get an abortion)

I don’t even know who these bitches are, James Jagger could be a girl for all I know, Meaning this could be James Jagger…..

Some weird viking shit that went on at his party:

Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

2006

31

Aug

I am – Emma Tomlinson is a Slag of the Day

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I can only assume that this isn’t a real person. Before you start ripping into me, let me say that I know she’s a real person and not a sex doll, what I meant to say is that I don’t think this is someone’s ex-girlfriend. I think it’s really a model getting paid because I haven’t been able to find any information on this slut, and if her name is what I was told it was, I’d be able to track her down. Either way, she is a slut all posing sexy for the camera and letting her pics get posted on the internet and there is nothing I like more than amateur porn or amateur lookin’ porn. I know this is the shit I would jerk off to if could get hard. I realize that impotency is starting to fuck with my head now because my sex dreams are of me sitting in front of the TV jerking off. I wake up frustrated, so I look over at my fat wife, grab her cunt hoping it will get things going but realize it’s hard to find and once I get there, it’s cold and clammy. I get up in disgust, go to my computer and send myspace messages to girls. That’s pretty much my sex life. Which brings me to another stepRULE. Cuddles

stepRULE 5: When Sexually Frustrated, Use Myspace

Here are a bunch of pics of her Slutting Out
Here is her fake Myspace Profile

Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

2006

31

Aug

I am – Paris Hilton’s Armenian Accessory of the Day

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I figured that since I have been posting links to some cocksucker’s site in my last 2 link dumps, it was time to give her a post of her own. The reason I call her fat is because she is fat. I know a lot of you get mad at me when I call girls fat. I assume it is because your girlfriends are fatter than the girls I call fat and you get insulted because you fuck fat girls, but if you think about it you should just be happy that even a fat girl would let you in her slophole. I guess it could also be that you are a fat girl who doesn’t think of yourself as fat because you are in denial, which is likely because I only seem to attract fat girls, it’s been a constant in my life. Either way I get shit on for saying it and I will get shit on for writing it here today about Armenia but remember her black dress is supposed to be thinning even as her hips try to bust out of it and Paris would NEVER hang out with anyone hotter than her. She is the type of girl you see at the bar with a troop of fat girls making a cockblock wall that you and your friends have to breakdown to get to the prize, usually involves banging the fat girl. That said, I realize that she’s definitely worth a round, even if she is fat and brown. Which brings us to another stepRULE or 2 or 3….

stepRULE 2: Every hole is a goal

stepRULE 3: With Fat Sluts, Come Fat Titties, Unless God Really Hates Them,

stepRULE 4: There is Nothing Funny About a Flat Chested Fat Girl

Still think it’s a stupid feature don’t you?

Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

2006

31

Aug

I am – Paris Hilton's Armenian Accessory of the Day

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I figured that since I have been posting links to some cocksucker’s site in my last 2 link dumps, it was time to give her a post of her own. The reason I call her fat is because she is fat. I know a lot of you get mad at me when I call girls fat. I assume it is because your girlfriends are fatter than the girls I call fat and you get insulted because you fuck fat girls, but if you think about it you should just be happy that even a fat girl would let you in her slophole. I guess it could also be that you are a fat girl who doesn’t think of yourself as fat because you are in denial, which is likely because I only seem to attract fat girls, it’s been a constant in my life. Either way I get shit on for saying it and I will get shit on for writing it here today about Armenia but remember her black dress is supposed to be thinning even as her hips try to bust out of it and Paris would NEVER hang out with anyone hotter than her. She is the type of girl you see at the bar with a troop of fat girls making a cockblock wall that you and your friends have to breakdown to get to the prize, usually involves banging the fat girl. That said, I realize that she’s definitely worth a round, even if she is fat and brown. Which brings us to another stepRULE or 2 or 3….

stepRULE 2: Every hole is a goal

stepRULE 3: With Fat Sluts, Come Fat Titties, Unless God Really Hates Them,

stepRULE 4: There is Nothing Funny About a Flat Chested Fat Girl

Still think it’s a stupid feature don’t you?

Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

2006

31

Aug

I am – Kate Moss and Pete Doherty Pictures of the Day

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There are so many new picture sets out today and I am posting 3 day old pics. If you are wondering why, it is because I am a hack and keeping up with celebrity lives doesn’t really interest me, I only do it to get traffic. It’s really worked out amazing for me, I went from having 4 readers to 20, so a big fuck you goes out to my grade 10 teacher who told me I would be a failure because I knew nothing about business….well bitch, I am a failure but it’s got nothing to do with my business sense, it has to do with laziness, addiction and lack of self confidence. Speaking of addiction, here are some pics of the power couple, who I fucking love because she’s hot, he likes to party the way rockstars are supposed to party and I guess that’s pretty much the only reason I like them. They probably have some pretty interesting dates. Speaking of interesting dates, I was forced to take my wife out for our anniversary or someshit. See I get stepSENSITVE sometimes. When I told her I had 2 dollars to my name, she wasn’t all that impressed, so I took her to a luxury car dealership. I hadn’t showered and she’s onto moving around with a walker now, so I am sure walking in freaked the fuck out of the sales staff. When they asked me what I did for a living I said I was a dot com millionaire. They wouldn’t let me test drive the car, even after I told him my wife was dying and it was always her dream to drive around in a Luxury Sedan, but that could have been because I was drunk.

Which brings up my next point

stepRULE number 1: Never too broke for alcohol

How do you like stepRULES as a new feature? I know, it’s a fucking weak rule, I am just testing it out, just look at the pics you fucking assholes.

And some of Pete Doherty….

Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

2006

30

Aug

I am – stepLINKS of the Day

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Today is over by my standards. My traffic has gone to shit, you are obviously no telling your friends, my myspace hasn’t had a new message in 2 days, people are obviously starting to hate me. So this is the message I started sending out:

as i sit here in my dirty bed sheets with a mustard stained shirt and nicotine stained stubby fingers trying to muster up the energy to get up and take a pee, but decide that it takes too much energy, so I pee in the empty bottle by my bed, I think of you….

With Love,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

Here are my useless stepLINKS that no one likes, I will admit that today’s aren’t as amazing as other days because I have to leave the computer for the night due to poverty

Is Haley Bennett Hot or Not ? GO

A Little Beyonce Nipple Hangin’ Out of Her Dress GO

Some Celebrity Pictures at the Toilet Museum GO

Funny Pictures Found on the Internet that aren’t Really that Funny to Me GO

Kari Sweets is a Non Nude Model and Here She is Washing the Clothes We Will Never See Her Take Off, That Made Sense to Me GO

Stepfather Site of the Day GO

Rap Music is Blamed for Teen Pregnancy, I Blame it For A lot More, Like the Fall of our Society GO

Aretha not Urethra Franklin is fucking HUGE, Bitch is Going to Die GO

Indian Telemarketer Talking to a Recorded Message. Brown People with Accents are Always Funny GO

This is a Really Funny Australian Article, Seriously Just Read It GO

Ebay is selling some Shit Trophy GO

Remember that bitch Emmalina who I made famous? Well Turns Out She Quit. I had to do with it as My Post on Her Put Her Over the Edge. I will publish those emails because I am a Jerk. GO

Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted