Ass Archives - Page 38 of 44 Archive - DrunkenStepFather.com

2007

28

Jun

I am – Cheryl Tweedy Still on the Beach of the Day

I am struggling today, I didn’t even drink that much but for some reason I was out until 4 am wandering the streets trying to find my way home wasted. I think it has something to do with getting 3 hours of sleep a night, not eating very well and having the liver of a 2 year old, in size not performance. The highlight of the night was when I was screaming at the big breasted, big bodied bar maid to serve me a fucking drink while she was too busy dancing it up for some dude she knew at the other side of the bar. My stepdaughter showed up unexpectedly so I did what ever stepfather should do and that is try to whore her out to random dudes for free drinks, it worked a few times and she still hasn’t come home so I can only assume she’s out getting teenage pregnant somewhere. There was a drunken slut in the place that kept making out with dudes and grinding her cunt up against the bar stool and shit, I figured that she’d make a good friend but got distracted from the stripper who walked in with some chachi motherfucker wearing short shorts and trashy shoes that tied up like some gladiator shit to around her thigh.

I am going to start the day with Cheryl Tweedy in her bikini, because she may not be as youthful as my stepdaughter, as big as my barmaid, as horny as the horny drunk girl or as trashy as the trashy stripper bitch with fake tits, but her prison tattoos make her good enough for me.

Posted in:Ass|Bikini|Cheryl Tweedy|Unsorted

2007

27

Jun

I am – Hayden Panettiere Lickin' Ass of the Day

1 Comment »

Girls these days are crazy. This Hayden slut has grown up so fast. Bitch is already being funny by licking bronze asses and to me that is one step away from giving rim jobs while jerking off random older men in attempts to further her career and have a good time. This is the kind of joke I’d expect from a middle aged drunk woman at the company Christmas party or at a family wedding, who is all jacked on estrogen therapy to balance out her high testosterone levels leading her to grab her tits and smack her ass while simulating a blowjob on the wine bottle.

I used to watch Oprah and heard all about teens thinking anal sex is safe because they can’t get pregnant and would have parties that if I was there age, wouldn’t get invited to, where they all get together and suck dick. I don’t know how old some of you fucks are, but when I was 17, I don’t think girls shaved their boxes, bikini waxes weren’t common, virginity was and so were bad fit jeans and turtleneck sweaters. Whenever I’d asks girls about masturbating they’d get offended, when I’d get them alone in a room, they would barely want to make out, but on those lucky days they’d let me rub them over their panties. The only blowjobs anyone was getting was from the class whore who was molested by her father and knew all the tricks, but I always stayed away from her….because I felt bad for her. I was never a fan of molestation despite popular belief because I think my stepdaughters are hot.

Speaking of molestation, I was told that I could get arrested for posting pictures of an underage girl doing slutty things on a site that links to porn, I really hope that doesn’t happen because I would hate to get charged with kiddy porn. I know that that is probably the worst fucking crime out there and I always hated creeps that fuck with kids and get off to kids because kids are harmless. The thugs in prison feel the same way as I do and kill motherfuckers who end up there for doing that kind of thing, but I am banking on the fact that Hayden Panettiere is almost 18, makes her own money, does her own thing and where I am from, 14 is legal. So if she does this for a picture, it’s good enough for me to post it. So that’s why these are going up. If anyone asks, I blame Paris Hilton for turning this generation onto being porn stars. Maybe it’ll land her back in prison or at least paying out some Civil Suit when some young girl get AIDS or pregnant by following her lead. If people could bring down Judas Priest for people committing suicide or Marilyn Manson for columbine, someone needs to get on the blame Paris train and make some motherfucking moves.

Posted in:Ass|Hayden Panettiere|Lick|Unsorted

2007

27

Jun

I am – Hayden Panettiere Lickin’ Ass of the Day

1 Comment »

Girls these days are crazy. This Hayden slut has grown up so fast. Bitch is already being funny by licking bronze asses and to me that is one step away from giving rim jobs while jerking off random older men in attempts to further her career and have a good time. This is the kind of joke I’d expect from a middle aged drunk woman at the company Christmas party or at a family wedding, who is all jacked on estrogen therapy to balance out her high testosterone levels leading her to grab her tits and smack her ass while simulating a blowjob on the wine bottle.

I used to watch Oprah and heard all about teens thinking anal sex is safe because they can’t get pregnant and would have parties that if I was there age, wouldn’t get invited to, where they all get together and suck dick. I don’t know how old some of you fucks are, but when I was 17, I don’t think girls shaved their boxes, bikini waxes weren’t common, virginity was and so were bad fit jeans and turtleneck sweaters. Whenever I’d asks girls about masturbating they’d get offended, when I’d get them alone in a room, they would barely want to make out, but on those lucky days they’d let me rub them over their panties. The only blowjobs anyone was getting was from the class whore who was molested by her father and knew all the tricks, but I always stayed away from her….because I felt bad for her. I was never a fan of molestation despite popular belief because I think my stepdaughters are hot.

Speaking of molestation, I was told that I could get arrested for posting pictures of an underage girl doing slutty things on a site that links to porn, I really hope that doesn’t happen because I would hate to get charged with kiddy porn. I know that that is probably the worst fucking crime out there and I always hated creeps that fuck with kids and get off to kids because kids are harmless. The thugs in prison feel the same way as I do and kill motherfuckers who end up there for doing that kind of thing, but I am banking on the fact that Hayden Panettiere is almost 18, makes her own money, does her own thing and where I am from, 14 is legal. So if she does this for a picture, it’s good enough for me to post it. So that’s why these are going up. If anyone asks, I blame Paris Hilton for turning this generation onto being porn stars. Maybe it’ll land her back in prison or at least paying out some Civil Suit when some young girl get AIDS or pregnant by following her lead. If people could bring down Judas Priest for people committing suicide or Marilyn Manson for columbine, someone needs to get on the blame Paris train and make some motherfucking moves.

Posted in:Ass|Hayden Panettiere|Lick|Unsorted

2007

26

Jun

I am – Lohan's Ass Goes to a Movie of the Day

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These pictures were taken couple days ago and they are of her going to a movie when she was in rehab. I already gave you a taste of my experience in rehab where I wasn’t allowed to do anything, couldn’t make a phone call, was forced to do chores and group therapy with other nut jobs who had been driven to drink because they were raped, molested, mistreated, had low self esteem, hated themselves, never had a father and other fucking things that were leading me to drink because my life wasn’t as bad, I just drank because it was fun. Anyway, if my rehab experience meant days at the beach, days at the movies, late night pizza parties and whatever else this slut is doing, I would have tried to stay in there longer, rather than spend my days plotting my escape.

What Lohan needs to be plotting is a way to land a better body. Bitch is boxy has no real ass, but what she does have of an ass is some weird indented shit that reminds me of her Mercedes after she crashed it while jacked on coke and drunk that lead to her stint in rehab holiday. Her legs are thick and she runs like a retarded kid at the institution during soccer hour, but I still like to think that I am connected at the soul with this bitch, I just haven’t bothered writing about it, calling her, sending her myspace messages, busing to LA to hide in her closet and stalk her proper, because her quitting drinking has really let me down. I don’t want anything to do with her until bitch drops the bible and self help books and starts eating pussy in club bathrooms again.

Posted in:Ass|Lindsay Lohan|Rehab|Unsorted

2007

26

Jun

I am – Lohan’s Ass Goes to a Movie of the Day

53 Comments »

These pictures were taken couple days ago and they are of her going to a movie when she was in rehab. I already gave you a taste of my experience in rehab where I wasn’t allowed to do anything, couldn’t make a phone call, was forced to do chores and group therapy with other nut jobs who had been driven to drink because they were raped, molested, mistreated, had low self esteem, hated themselves, never had a father and other fucking things that were leading me to drink because my life wasn’t as bad, I just drank because it was fun. Anyway, if my rehab experience meant days at the beach, days at the movies, late night pizza parties and whatever else this slut is doing, I would have tried to stay in there longer, rather than spend my days plotting my escape.

What Lohan needs to be plotting is a way to land a better body. Bitch is boxy has no real ass, but what she does have of an ass is some weird indented shit that reminds me of her Mercedes after she crashed it while jacked on coke and drunk that lead to her stint in rehab holiday. Her legs are thick and she runs like a retarded kid at the institution during soccer hour, but I still like to think that I am connected at the soul with this bitch, I just haven’t bothered writing about it, calling her, sending her myspace messages, busing to LA to hide in her closet and stalk her proper, because her quitting drinking has really let me down. I don’t want anything to do with her until bitch drops the bible and self help books and starts eating pussy in club bathrooms again.

Posted in:Ass|Lindsay Lohan|Rehab|Unsorted

2007

26

Jun

I am – Kim Kardashian's Armenian Ass of the Day

4 Comments »

I don’t know when these pictures were taken but they are new to me. What isn’t new to me is how obscene this bitch Kim Kardashian’s ass is. I saw the sex tape, I have seen other pictures out there showing off this massive thing and I know that I don’t like it at all. I know that every hip hop motherfucker out there loves this kind of shit. I have seen many youtube videos of fat asses being shook. I have seen strippers with booty do things I never thought asses could do and I never really fell for it. All I could think about was how many buckets of friend chicken bitch had to eat to make this shit happen. It always represented some nature channel shit to me, like the baboon with the biggest reddest cunt gets noticed by the alpha males, and I guess that never really got me off. What I do know is that Paris Hilton probably could have stuck out her friendship with this Armenian Fashion Accessory because she could hid from the cops between her freakishly big ass cheeks. See I can make bad blog jokes too.

I think the reason I never liked fat ass, even though I married a fat chick, was because I could never get my little penis around the goods and into the right places, it created some kind of barrier that kept people like me out, the reason it worked with my wife was because her ass had no personality, it kind just hung there like a wet towel hanging to dry and was easily moved to the side. It’s a skill I am glad I don’t need to use again.

Either way, today’s not working so well for me, but you can still look at bitches ass and say she should be spending some of Daddy’s inheritance on a personal trainer because one day soon that fucker is going to drop and even though I think she’s fucking dumpy right now, everyone else will too soon and no black dude or white guy trying to be black is going to want to film sex tapes with her anymore and that is pretty much considered failure where this bitch is from…

Posted in:Ass|Booty|Kim Kardashian|Unsorted

2007

26

Jun

I am – Kim Kardashian’s Armenian Ass of the Day

4 Comments »

I don’t know when these pictures were taken but they are new to me. What isn’t new to me is how obscene this bitch Kim Kardashian’s ass is. I saw the sex tape, I have seen other pictures out there showing off this massive thing and I know that I don’t like it at all. I know that every hip hop motherfucker out there loves this kind of shit. I have seen many youtube videos of fat asses being shook. I have seen strippers with booty do things I never thought asses could do and I never really fell for it. All I could think about was how many buckets of friend chicken bitch had to eat to make this shit happen. It always represented some nature channel shit to me, like the baboon with the biggest reddest cunt gets noticed by the alpha males, and I guess that never really got me off. What I do know is that Paris Hilton probably could have stuck out her friendship with this Armenian Fashion Accessory because she could hid from the cops between her freakishly big ass cheeks. See I can make bad blog jokes too.

I think the reason I never liked fat ass, even though I married a fat chick, was because I could never get my little penis around the goods and into the right places, it created some kind of barrier that kept people like me out, the reason it worked with my wife was because her ass had no personality, it kind just hung there like a wet towel hanging to dry and was easily moved to the side. It’s a skill I am glad I don’t need to use again.

Either way, today’s not working so well for me, but you can still look at bitches ass and say she should be spending some of Daddy’s inheritance on a personal trainer because one day soon that fucker is going to drop and even though I think she’s fucking dumpy right now, everyone else will too soon and no black dude or white guy trying to be black is going to want to film sex tapes with her anymore and that is pretty much considered failure where this bitch is from…

Posted in:Ass|Booty|Kim Kardashian|Unsorted

2007

25

Jun

I am – Brooke Hogan is Trash of the Day

1 Comment »

So it turns out that Brooke Hogan got fake tits. I figured that was the next step for her and you can tell by the scar in the armpit and from the fact that her tits are bigger than they were before. I remember when this slut was just a small breasted fat chick with a dream and now she’s pretty much no better than the whores I dream about getting lap dances from in my local strip clubs. The reason I call them whores is because they let you grab their tits for money and if you don’t have money they really want nothing to do with you and that would piss me off if I was lookin for love, but I am not, so I can handle the fact that they walk off pissed off when I tell them I have no money after making them chat me up for an hour. It’s actually one of the only things I find joy in these days. Because if I was a stripper I wouldn’t be working the loser in the corner who has been nursing one beer for the last 5 hours while wearing joggin’ pants….but I guess strippers aren’t known to be geniuses at least not at the places I go to.

The one thing that drives me crazy about strippers these days is their stupid legwarmers. The only reason I am posting these pictures is because of her fucking stupid pants. I got issues with these things and I see them everywhere I go. I don’t find them hot, I don’t care that a bitch is walking around with her ass hanging out and her legs covered up, I like full nudity or half nudity, but not no nudity, just annoying glimpses at what could be, from behind of retarded pants that distract me from wanting to see her naked because I am too focused on wondering what the fuck bitch is wearing.

I don’t care that Brooke Hogan thinks being sexy is being a stripper, it’s a pretty general mentality. A lot of girls and strippers think being a stripper is sexy and they all take notes from each other, making all girls run the same tricks. I go to fucking strip clubs all the time so I guess I partially feel the same way, but I like to believe the real reason I go to strip clubs is to try to figure out what drove these whores into becoming whores. What kind of daddy issues, broken homes, poverty and addiction did they face to resort to making a lot more money than they would working the checkout counter at the supermarket an to see some naked chicks, but not to be seduced by stuidity.

Either way, Brooke Hogan has access to money, comes from a big house with big cars and a big father, but for some reason she’s following her whore mother’s footsteps and taking this shit to the stage, big fake titties and semi-nudity, the only problem is that cunt isn’t showing her cunt and that to me is a waste of a stripper or someone who is so obviously inspired by strippers but is too pussy to take it to the level needed making her nothing but a failure to me…at least SHE’S been consistent on her quest to the pole….

2007

25

Jun

I am – Kate Moss is Fucking Skinny of the Day

1 Comment »

There was a time when I would post pictures of an obviously anorexic looking girl and say how she’s fat…It would always get a rise out of people. Then that got boring and obvious, so I would write shit about normal looking girls and say how they should stop eating to look a little more like an anorexic lookin’ girls who are so fucking hot.

I guess I was just saying it as jokes but I do like small tits and I do like skinny girls because my wife is fucking disgustingly fat and it’s one of those things where you want what you don’t have, like dudes who date small tittied girls and they go to strip clubs and get lap dances with huge tittied girls, or dudes who date a short girl and go to the strip club to get dances with the tallest bitch in there, or dudes who date waspy girls and get dances from the hot black/spanish/asian girls…it’s just what people do.

It seems like people also like fucking girls who are the opposite of them, that’s why anytime you see an obese chick, her boyfriend is the tallest skinniest motherfucker out there, or the other way around. As a fat man, I know dating a fat chick causes masses problems in the bedroom and I am not just talking about breaking bedframes for being too heavy a load for it, but I am talking about trying to get the dick past the deep ass cheek doors.

Either way, I know I love Kate Moss and find her fucking hot. But this whole Amy Winehouse crystal meth addiction skinny obviously made her feel insecure about her weight so bitch had to do something about it and this is the result. I hate saying it, but she looks kinda disgusting, but at least she’s drinking a beer to make up for how bad her ass, legs and tits look now.

2007

22

Jun

I am – Marisa Miller Bikini Photoshoot of the Day

2 Comments »

There’s pretty much nothing better than a bikini model in a bikini because these girls are pro. They get paid huge money to rock a bikini while every other woman in the world just works hard as fuck on her body so that wearing a bikini doesn’t embarrass them. So they sit in the gym every night after work, some of them save up their money to get breast implants, and when all is said and done, they look good enough for me, which isn’t saying much because I have no standards, but not quite good enough to make a living from it. So someone like Marisa Miller, who may not even work half as hard as some of you do to look good enough for the best body contest on your next springbreak trip, is pretty much there to tell us all that we aren’t even almost as close to as hot as she is.

There are people like this in everything, whether it’s the kid who always aces the exams at school, the coworker who the boss loves and always gives him raises to keep him around because he is substantially better than you, then sibling who your parents are proud of and not ashamed of like you, the good looking person everyone you know wants while ignoring you, the guy with more money than you who is always showing you up whether in houses he owns, cars he buys, vacations he goes on or even nights at the club. There will always be girls with bigger tits than you, guys with bigger dicks than you, people who are cooler than you, people who are funnier than you, people who sing better than you, people who everything just works out for while you’re on your struggle….

The point is that you have to embrace the fact that you aren’t good at anything, that there will always be people who look, act, smell and perform better than you, and love you mediocrity, even if it means you’ll have a sad and lonely existence, or one spent with other mediocre people, because envy is a bitch and while you wish bad things upon the people that make you feel like shit about yourself, you can turn to the internet a rub one out to a bikini model, like she was on all fours on your dining room table, because fantasy is a hell of a lot better than your reality.

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