Ass Archives - Page 37 of 44 Archive - DrunkenStepFather.com

Archive for the Ass Category

2007

Jul

I am – Jennifer Garner Surfing of the Day

Here are some pictures of Jennifer Garner surfing in Hawaii on the 4th of July. I think she’s been in Hawaii surfing for a couple of weeks now and I am a little jealous. Not because every piece of white trash in America’s dream vacation is Hawaii, but because surfing seems pretty cool.

I keep telling people that when I stop doing this website I am going to move somewhere and surf all day, just because people who surf look relaxed, healthy and like getting fucked up. They also have chicks flocking to them in bikinis. The only problem with my surf dream is that I weigh about 300 lbs and although being fat and pasty isn’t stopping Jennifer Garner, it will stop me because I am considerate to other people. Sure, she had a kid and she’s really not even that fat but she isn’t hot and that’s just as bad as being fat, maybe even worse.

Chicks who have kids like use the kids as an excuse for being fat and it seems to be accepted as fact. Reality is that the bitch is just lazy and decides to never go back to their pre-birth weight and would rather sit at home eating donuts until their husband leaves them for the secretary at their office jobs. Sometimes dealing with the wife crying about how she’s devoted her life to you, worked so hard for the family by watching Soap Operas all day and never getting off her fat ass to work at having any sex appeal for the husband to want to stay with her is worth going through to have some fun.

Either way, I also hate the water, never travel and I am too broke and lazy to make a move to get to a surf spot, but it’s still a nice dream….one that keeps me going….

2007

Jul

I am – Ashley Tisdale in a Bikini Again of the Day

2 Comments »

I think this is my third time posting Ashley Tisdale bikini pictures this week. I also think that it is the third time I’ve ever heard this bitches name, which leads me to believe that if you want to get noticed on the internet all you have to do is take off some fucking clothes. It seems like that’s all anyone really cares about when it comes to being on a computer.

I got some hate mail from some dickhead who runs some pretentious “cool hunting” site. He wasn’t too into an email I sent him saying that he never answered me in the past when I was trying to help some dudes I know promote their site. He wrote back abrasive as shit about my email to him saying that because I wrote that email, they blacklisted my friend’s site.

I don’t like when people give me attitude so I wrote him this:

Learn how to read or are you too busy being a self-proclaimed cool hunter, like you fucking know what cool is. It’s easy to pretend you’re some stylish, well read, intelligent dude who knows what’s up on the internet but we all know the internet and people who run websites, myself included are fucking losers. Cool people are too busy being cool to write articles about what they think is cool.

You’re onto some some David Coresh shit, you know how he decided one day that he’s god and people should bow down to him. I think that’s called a superiority complex, but I am not a psychologist, but for the sake of the internet, I will start a site called PsychologyExpert.com and send you my diagnosis of what I think is wrong with you daily.

I bet you just sit at home jerking off all night, when you aren’t too busy trying to research what cool is, because when you are cool the last thing you do is tell people how cool you are.

I am sure you haven’t seen a vagina in years, maybe that’s the expertise you should be focused on. The how to recognize a vagina after years of not seeing one dot com. Asshole.

With Love,
Jesus Martinez
Drunkenstepfather.com

Please send him hate mail HERE Thanks.

Posted in:Ashley Tisdale|Ass|Bikini|Unsorted

2007

Jul

I am – ebay Slut of the Day

1 Comment »

I am not a very good business person, because if I was, I probably wouldn’t be doing this site, but I do know that marketing is pretty fucking basic on the internet. If you want people to look at your shit, you need to post pictures of sluts. So this ebay vendor who sells used clothes, found a slut in his hometown and got her to model the shit he is selling.

The reason I am posting this is almost out of sympathy. I know girls like this bitch who think they are a lot fucking hotter than they are. They dress in slutty cheap clothes, give off crazy attitude, get breast implants, lame tattoos, double tongue piercings and bad dye jobs. They date dudes they meet at the gym or the tanning salon, and they look up to pornstars and strippers but have more ambition than that so they take on their first modeling job they can get, thinking it will launch them into the world as the next hot thing, the next Tila Tequila, maybe a stint in Playboy or hosting parties around the country, but reality is that the fun ends here, with this ebay gig because the rest of the world sees past you skinny frame, stuffed bra, fake tan, weak chin and non existent ass.

Either way, I assume some of you fuckers are into girls like this and it’s a nice change from celebrity content so I decided to post it.

Visit her ebay profile it Will Link to All Her ebay Sales Pages with all her Pictures…
GO

2007

Jul

I am – Hilary Duff Bikini Pictures of the Day

No Comments »

When I think of Hilary Duff in a bikini, I think of a time when she was underage and people would send me hate mail for calling her a slut in training and now I pat myself on the back because we know that no self respecting girl would whore out half naked on the beach with her sister and men with their hard nipples for dirtbag internet weirdos like you to get all hot and bothered over, meaning that I was right and since that rarely happens it makes me happy.

When I think of Hilary Duff I always think of that fucker that she dated. He is the DJ AM of rock music and that means he is even gayer than bicycles shorts partially because he’s dropped load in DJ AM’s sloppy useless seconds but also because he’s an overpaid monkey that doesn’t deserve to be where he’s at who wears monkey and is more into watching his twin brother bang chicks than banging them himself. I guess it’s just like watching himself in action.

I used to think that twins fucking each other wasn’t gay, I never thought about 2 dudes fucking each other, just the lesbian way because I was involved with a girl who had a twin and I always tried to get them to fuck, but they wouldn’t they weren’t the kind of twins you see in playboy.

Hilary’s sister is not her twin, she is the ugly version of her but she’s riding her fucking coat tails. I would still watch them bang because I have no standards but am happy that bitch kept her shirt on because I can only take so much DUFFGUSTING in one day. That’s my lame blogger name for these cunts because it seems to be what lame bloggers do and I am just trying to fit in.

Speaking of fitting in, I have a feeling that dude gave Hilary Duff a bit of a complex, when you leave your chick for someone who looks like a little boy, it’s gotta hurt somewhere, either leading her to anorexia or to throwing in the towel and emotionally eating her way out of it. By looking at these pictures I couldn’t tell you if bitch is fatter than before but she does have more tit, maybe it’s because she’s a late bloomer, maybe it’s because she went on the pill to prevent getting knocked up by some loser she knew was a loser but stuck with him anyway, maybe she should of used condoms because he probably gave her some HPV, HSV, HIV or something else he picked up on the road while banging dudes who looked like chick, but bigger tits is good enough reason to support her half assed music career, her half assed acting career by staring at these pictures of her playing in the sand like a person who lost their childhood to Disney. Another reason to like her is because she let’s fat hairy dudes who are too shy to take their shirts off at the beach hang with her and that pretty much describes all of you, so if she supports your kind, you should support hers. I learned that when I was overcoming my hatred of homosexuals.

2007

Jul

I am – Ashley Tisdale in a Bikini Again of the Day

2 Comments »

Here’s that little High School Musical dirtbag rockin’ another bikini and making a sand castle like she was 7. I think Disney probably puts shit in their craft services cart that keeps the staff young. I call it Peter Pan Never Never Land sauce because Walt Disney was into little kids. It takes more than a man with a dream to make a magical land, it takes a man who likes kids a little too much, but it was a different era then and it made him rich and since rich people are untouchable I guess that shit will never get out, but I will tell you this, Walt Disney molested my Grandmother, at least that the story she always told us. She was also insane and never left Mexico so it probably never happened but every time she’d see one of us with some knock off Disney toy she’d go on a fucking rampage and shake in the corner for an hour crying.

I lived in this small town and in the small down was some weird magical village some creep made himself and marketed as a local amusement park with clowns, a petting zoo, one of those bouncy castles, and a few half ass activities like one water slide, a playground and some other games and shit. I never went because I don’t do that shit. Either way, he had been running it since the 60′, the golden era for theme parks and they ended up shutting him down in the 90s for some dirty shit that I think people should be shot over.

Either way, looking at these pictures of a 22 year old who looks young teen is some legal shit, at least she’s not fat and I can handle lookin at her in a Bikini even if she thinks she’s 7. Happy 4th of July you American fucks.

2007

Jul

I am – Eva Longoria Bikini Ass of the Day

1 Comment »

I was talking to a few blogs the other day and they told me shit about how companies approach them to buy them out all the time and advertisers beg them to be on their sites and I realize that I am really doing something wrong because I never get those emails.

I guess I am too hardcore for a mainstream company to want to be a part of and my commentary is pretty irrelevant and has nothing to do with anything really. It isn’t reporting celebrity news, it isn’t changing lives, it isn’t even informative for people looking to better themselves. If I knew how to read I would have taken the time to read a book on how to start a business and it would probably tell me to identify a need and deliver to that need.

It turns out that there’s no real value in what I do. This site is pretty much a waste of space. It barely even entertains the 7 people who check it out daily. So maybe I am having a mid-life crisis trying to find a purpose in life or maybe trying to find something a little more relevant to society than doing what I do but in the meantime in trying to figure all that shit out I am going to leave you with these Eva Longoria bikini ass pictures….

I think what it really comes down to is that there is a place in the world for everyone. I walked into a Subway yesterday because I had to take a shit and my wife made the bathroom off limits for the afternoon, evening and as it turned out part of today too. I don’t know what died in her colon but whatever it was it had a lasting impact on my day. Anyway, I was at Subway at about 10 pm and I saw two socially awkward looking people. The chick was a heavy midget with one leg shorter than the other and the guy was kinda tall and awkward and looked like he was from another country.

These two people were playing MAGIC Cards, for those of you who don’t know, this is the shit that virgins who like wizards love, and I realized that these two people were on a fucking date. Instead of instinctively laughing at them, like I would have when I was a teenager, I felt happy that they found each other. Two seemingly socially awkward losers playing creepy socially awkward card games were getting more sex than you.

Posted in:Ass|Bikini|Eva Longoria|Unsorted

2007

Jul

I am – Lindsay Lohan Celebrates her Birthday in a Bikini of the Day

1 Comment »

Lindsay Lohan celebrated her 21st birthday out of rehab with her friends and coke addicted mom in a bikini, when I was in rehab i was told to stay away from the enablers or old friends that didn’t want to make the same changes in their life as I had. It meant dropping everyone I knew and partied with but I guess that rule doesn’t apply when the bitch who fed you cocaine when you were a teenager was your mom. The biggest supporter of the drug was the person you turned to for life advice. I don’t have proof of that shit, but I think it’s pretty obvious.

Either way, the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree or whatever that expression is, so it’s safe to say that Lohan has a life of addiction ahead of her, but so do most of us, unfortunately not all of us look have as much money as her for the shit to not ruin our lives. We also aren’t as good lookin’ as she is when she does it. It’s not that I think Lohan is hot but she’s hotter than you and even though that’s not saying much it’s saying something.

I remember I had a friend who got his mom hooked on meth with him. He was doing it for about a year until she caught him doing it and freaked the fuck out. He told her that it was diet medicine and before you could say “bust out the pipe” this middle aged suburban woman was smoking meth with him. The dad had no idea what was going on, but he didn’t complain when the house was cleaner than it ever was, her body was thinner than it was when they married, there was always big feasts cooked and dude felt like he had a new lease on life and on his marriage. He had never been happier until she emptied the bank account and ran off with her drug dealer. My friend ended up going to rehab, getting back on track, landed a good job and a wife and shit but never heard from his mother again, she’s probably sucking dick on the streets near you, so next time you hire a 60 year old drug addicted whore, you can thank him for hookin’ you up, because if she never did meth with him 10 years ago, she’d never be taking your load on her face.

I guess that’s a pretty sad story, but them’s the breaks.

Bonus

Lohan Running On Beach Almost Losing Her Top Over the Weekend
GO

2007

Jul

I am – More of Paris Hilton in a Bathing Suit in Maui of the Day

5 Comments »

I came across these pictures of Paris in a bathing suit in Maui and figured I should post them since celebrity in bikinis is 90 percent of what I do. I don’t consider Paris to be a real celebrity, I don’t think she’s got anything interesting going on, I don’t really understand the reason everyone is so interested in her, but she’s on the beach and that’s more than I can say for you, so that is why she gets coverage on this shitty site. Reality is that I am pretty easy to please and half naked is all I really ever need for a post, so I don’t mind making your famous, if you’re willing to take it off.

I was reading an article on MSN about how to seduce billionaires to marry you. I am exploring new business options because the internet isn’t doin it for me and there’s gotta be some black sheep fat retarded daughter of a rich dude that they keep locked up in the basement who is lonely enough for someone like me. I don’t know where the article is but it lead me to all these different high society sites. I didn’t realize that people actually care about the family and kids and wives of these extremely rich dudes. I always thought their lives were boring with all that keeping up appearances, going to art gallery exhibits and donating time and money to charity. There are probably scandals that would be more interesting than the shit Paris gets into and there are probably nude pics, sex tapes and other exciting scandals filling up their guest houses, but I’ll never see them because I have no idea who any of these high society people are.

I need Entertainment Tonight and Access Hollywood to let me know who to watch out for and not all these rich kids aren’t into the whole L.A. Fame Game.

I did harass a couple of them on Facebook a while ago. One of them was the daughter of some record exec and another one was the daughter of some other big company. It turns out that they have no sense of humor and either do I, that’s why this post fucking sucks. It happens. It’s Monday. I hate you.

I guess it’s nice to see Paris back on all fours and half naked as she rides her surfboard, because it reminds us that Jail can’t change a person, except for maybe giving someone more publicity than they have seen since the release of a sex tape.

2007

Jul

I am – Eva Longoria Bachelorette Party in St Tropez of the Day

4 Comments »

Eva Longoria is in Europe preparing for her wedding or getting married or on her honeymoon or for some reason that doesn’t really matter because whatever she’s doing, she’s rocking a bikini. I was never a big fan of Eva Longoria, probably because I am Mexican and I am not into my own kind. All I see when I look at her is my grandmother, a short stalky bitch making tortillas for her 8 kids in our ratty ass kitchen when I was 5. I just assume that’s where Longoria will end up and although I loved my grandmother, I never really wanted to marry her or bang her if you know what I mean.

I used to hang out with this black dude who was stealing money from the store he was night manager at. He used to take us out to stripclubs every single night and pay for everything. He told us that his mother had died and left him a couple hundred thousand dollars and that he wanted to spend it on having a good time. I didn’t feel guilty about letting him blow all his money on us because I figured I was therapeutic to him and if you want my company you just have to take me to the strippers. Either way, I am not a heartless asshole and when dude finally got arrested I felt relieved that the money he was spending wasn’t his to begin with, it made all those drunken nights a lot more fun to be a part of because the guilt was gone.

Anyway, dude used to get so fucking mad when black strippers would get up on stage. He wanted more out of his people and thought they were just living a cliche. The condition of going out with him was to pay no attention to the black strippers because shit personally offended him. I feel the same way about Longoria, she’s a disgrace to our people but at least she’s rockin’ a camel toe showing off that her taco isn’t as meaty as the tacos she grew up on.

2007

Jul

I am – Rebecca Gayheart Topless on a Yacht of the Day

31 Comments »

I always rag on the paparazzi for being sleazy fucks hiding in the bushes because part of me think they are assholes for suing people like me for posting the images and part of my sympathizes with the famous people who don’t have much of a private life, even though they make tons of money and want to be in the public eye and pretty much sold their souls to the world so that this kind of thing is considered alright, but I guess I can’t really hate them when they pull through with hot topless pics of some actress no one cares about on her Yacht in Italy. That means that some motherfucker got on a boat and followed them out to wherever the fuck they are to get pics of bitch on her boat topless and that takes some serious fucking effort. If I was walking down the street I wouldn’t have any idea who she was and I wouldn’t think twice about following her around with a camera, so I guess these paparazzi assholes have a place in the world.

What I love about girls is that they get fucking horny when they are in the sun and in bikinis. The first 30 minutes they are all shy and uncomfortable with people lookin’ at their bodies so they cover up a little, walk around with a towel, don’t take off their shirt when they are supposed to, but then they stop caring get used to being half naked and the party starts. Eventually tops come up, blow jobs are given and you’re on the set of a fucking porno without understanding how the fuck it happened. I don’t spend enough time with girls in bikinis, but I know how things are….

I always wanted a life where I was around naked chicks on yachts drinking cocktails all day, it seems like that is what living is all about, so while Rebecca Gayheart gives us a taste of the life we’ll never live, I can’t help but hate her for not inviting me.