Surfing Archives Archive - DrunkenStepFather.com

2010

25

Mar

Paris Hilton’s Ex-Boyfriend Paris and His Ugly Surfing Girlfriend of the Day

Her name is Hannah Cornett, she’s a pro surfer and not all that hot, but it is probably safe to say that she’s not dating Paris Latkis because of his fame, since he’s only known for being the rich kid who was fucking Paris Hilton for a few weeks back when Paris Hilton was fucking pretty much everyone…

I guess the nice thing about sharing a man with Paris Hilton is that you also share her strain of herpes…and that shit’s gotta be designer herpes, you know upper class herpes, cuz there’s no way all herpes are made the same, it just wouldn’t make sense that the scabs on her rich pussy are the very same scabs some gutter crackwhore has on hers…

I just don’t believe that’s possible…oh wait…yes it is…so that means Paris Hilton’s pussy is like a crackwhores and now so is Hannah Cornetts, because no one uses condoms anymore…I bet swimming in the ocean for a job must feel great on those wounds…thank god for Valtrex….

Pics via Fame

Posted in:Bikini|Hannah Cornett|Surfing

2009

30

Apr

Lindsay Lohan Hawaii Surfing of the Day

7 Comments »

This is my second Lohan post today. She’s surfing in a one-piece and I am impressed by her athleticism. I’ve always wanted to be a surfer, at least ever since I saw Point Break. It looks like a lifestyle I could really connect with, unfortunately, I live in Canada, I am 300 pounds and I don’t know how to swim and I hate waking up early, so I’d really just want to sit on the beach creepin’ on girls all day, not that I like to refer to my life mission as creepy, I am just letting the rules of society get the better of me, because there’s nothing wrong with snappin’ off pics of unsuspecting girls as they tan while masturbating. That’s not creepy. Creepy would be following them to the public bathroom and raping them as they shower off the sand….or something. Fuck leave me alone. I don’t have the answers. I just know I need lunch.

Posted in:Hawaii|Lindsay Lohan|Surfing

2007

04

Dec

I am – Gemma Atkinson’s Surfing in a Bikini of the Day

5 Comments »

Here are some pictures of Gemma Atkinson taking some surfing lessons in Autralia this past weekend.

The funny thing about Gemma Atkinson is that bitch is some sort of desired piece of ass in the UK, further proving my theory that the only hot girl in the UK is the fuckin’ Queen, but that’s just because I am turned on by her power and her etiquette since I consider myself a classy mother fucker who is forced to leave in trashy hell with a woman who don’t know what a metal fork is because washing utensils bites into her eating time and she’d use a shovel if she good.

So lookin at her average chubby body and busted face makes me realize that she got her breast implants to try and thin her out, because it is easier than hitting the gym or watching what she eats because that’s too much work for a useless party slut who likes eating sausage, the food not the penis and gets paid to flaunt her useless implants that even I could get if I had enough money, and should save for that shit because it seems like a pretty decent life. Then you could jerk off to me and it’d probably be equally exciting but that’s just cuz I exude sex, and by exude sex I mean smell like dirty pussy because I haven’t showered and spilled chicken soup on myself 4 days ago and it’s starting to smell fishy.

BONUS: Some Possibly Old, Possibly New Pictures of Gemma Atkinson in a Brown Bikini Because You Like Her Big Tits….

Related Posts:

Gemma Atkinson’s Hairy Stomach in a Bikini
Gemma Atkinson’s Lingerie Photoshoot
Gemma Atkinson’s Cherry Bikini
Gemma Atkinson’s Poolside Bikini Pictures

Posted in:Bikini|Gemma Atkinson|Surfing|Unsorted

2007

27

Aug

I am – Elle Macpherson Surfing of the Day

1 Comment »

It seems like surfing is the new thing for middle-aged celebrities to learn. I am going to admit that I have always wanted to be a surfer because they get all the bitches and are living the dream, unfortunately I don’t know how to swim, I am drunk too often, and I am too fat for any surfboard to support my weight – but I still like to believe that one day I’ll be living the dream….

Here are some pictures of a SLAMMIN’ Elle Macpherson in a bikini that someone sent in to me. She was one of the original bikini models who opened my eyes to bikini models and I remember spending endless nights curled up to my Sports Illustrated 1988 or 89 video where here nipples were exposed numerous times…..

I came across this story I wrote a while ago and figured I’d post it because I don’t think I have yet and since it’s a true story, you need to read it….

I knew this gay kid who was from a gay family. He had a brother and he had a father and he never really spoke of his mother, but it is safe to say that she is either dead or fucked off on them. They grew up in a good part of town and they had a nice house and a good female influence in the shape of a 250 pound aunt who was the biggest leather wearing dyke in the county. His dad was a fag, his brother was a fag and he was a fag but he was in the closet, his dad was in the closet and his brother was in the closet. They were all in the fucking closet for fear of being judged, disowned or whatever because the dad played the front of the homophobe while doing dudes in his spare time.

The family had an unfortunate experience of finding out that each other were into the cock when they all accidentally ended up at the Gay Sauna on the same night and one brother happened to be on the receiving end of the Glory hole and another brother ended up on the left side glory hole and his dad ended up on the right side of the glory hole and dude ended up servicing each of them to completion unknowingly until the meet at greet in the hot tub where the dad decided that it was time for a sit down and talk about him being a faggot and the faggot way of life.

So the point of the story is that the gay kid I knew sucked off his dad and his brother in one sitting, one night, a series of unfortunate events and that story is more fucked up that these pictures of Elle Macpherson could turn any man straight…..

Related Posts:

Elle Macpherson is Insane
Elle Macpherson and her STD
Jennifer Garner Paddle Surfing
Courtney Cox Surfing

2007

26

Aug

I am – Jennifer Aniston’s Small Bikini Showing Her Ass of the Day

8 Comments »

Jennifer Aniston Small Bikini Clad Ass

I know Greek girls are supposed to have big child bearing asses and that’s why they take it up the ass so easily, so it’s possible that these Jennifer Aniston shots are some kind of optical illusion and she’s really rockin’ a XXL, but by the looks of it, she’s in a XXS and shit’s barely covering her ass. Maybe next time she’ll get it right and use the bikini bottoms to cover the real offensiveness in these pictures and that’s her face. I am talking busted down pick-up truck face that reminds me of last week’s kitchen garbage or maybe even an old catcher’s mitt, but her body is pretty banging and I do my best to not hate on bitches with hot bodies, even if they look like they were mauled by a bear when camping as a child or some shit…

I was out in some random club in some random town with some random people. I ended up there by getting in the car with people I didn’t really know and going for the ride because they were cool with taking me along with them and I was pretty tired of being downtown and ready for a change in the outskirts of hell. It turns out that the outskirts of hell attracts a hell of a lot of slutty looking girls who like talking to random people, not so much me because I look like an overweight mountain man and chicks that have bleached hair and fake tits and halter tops get enough of that at work when old men like me pay them 10 dollars a song to grab their tits…Either way, at one point in the night these 3 ugly chicks all with fake tits were doing shots in the corner. I wanted to join in but they weren’t having it but I did get to listen to their conversation and all they were talking about were their fake tits, how many CCs they had in each, who their doctor was, whether they had sensation back and all this fake tit shit. It was like seeing three guys with the same car randomly meet in the shopping center parking lot and start comparing their engines…..

Aniston may not have fake tits, but she does have hot tits, and that’s pretty much the end of this post. I’d ask for your feedback, but I really don’t give a fuck about what you think. Asshole.

Related Posts:

Jennifer Aniston Bikini Top Pictures
Jennifer Aniston Bikini Pictures…
Jennifer Aniston’s Nipple

2007

26

Aug

I am – Jennifer Aniston's Small Bikini Showing Her Ass of the Day

No Comments »

Jennifer Aniston Small Bikini Clad Ass

I know Greek girls are supposed to have big child bearing asses and that’s why they take it up the ass so easily, so it’s possible that these Jennifer Aniston shots are some kind of optical illusion and she’s really rockin’ a XXL, but by the looks of it, she’s in a XXS and shit’s barely covering her ass. Maybe next time she’ll get it right and use the bikini bottoms to cover the real offensiveness in these pictures and that’s her face. I am talking busted down pick-up truck face that reminds me of last week’s kitchen garbage or maybe even an old catcher’s mitt, but her body is pretty banging and I do my best to not hate on bitches with hot bodies, even if they look like they were mauled by a bear when camping as a child or some shit…

I was out in some random club in some random town with some random people. I ended up there by getting in the car with people I didn’t really know and going for the ride because they were cool with taking me along with them and I was pretty tired of being downtown and ready for a change in the outskirts of hell. It turns out that the outskirts of hell attracts a hell of a lot of slutty looking girls who like talking to random people, not so much me because I look like an overweight mountain man and chicks that have bleached hair and fake tits and halter tops get enough of that at work when old men like me pay them 10 dollars a song to grab their tits…Either way, at one point in the night these 3 ugly chicks all with fake tits were doing shots in the corner. I wanted to join in but they weren’t having it but I did get to listen to their conversation and all they were talking about were their fake tits, how many CCs they had in each, who their doctor was, whether they had sensation back and all this fake tit shit. It was like seeing three guys with the same car randomly meet in the shopping center parking lot and start comparing their engines…..

Aniston may not have fake tits, but she does have hot tits, and that’s pretty much the end of this post. I’d ask for your feedback, but I really don’t give a fuck about what you think. Asshole.

Related Posts:

Jennifer Aniston Bikini Top Pictures
Jennifer Aniston Bikini Pictures…
Jennifer Aniston’s Nipple

2007

22

Aug

I am – Courtney Cox Bikini Bottoms of the Day

1 Comment »

Here are some pictures of Courtney Cox trying to reclaim her youth by surfing and pretty much only embarrassing herself. I guess the one positive thing you can say about her, other than the fact that she’s got an old lady mom ass, because she’s an old lady and I am so over hot tight teen booty, is that she’s not being a cunt about things by paddle surfing like her best friend ever Jennifer Aniston, because she realizes that that shit is so fucking homo that I am considering changing my DJ AM is gayer than bicycle shorts line to DJ AM is gayer than paddle-surfing, but you don’t care about that.

What you do care about is this girl I once dated for about 8 weeks. She was pretty fucking hot by my standards, which means that she had at least one leg, one arm, one eye and one tooth, but that’s no the point…We hooked up drunk for about a week but she’d always stop me at the panties. I felt like I was 14 again and bitch was pulling the panty-rule on me which at first was kind of exciting because I made a point of breaking down that cotton wall, and put more effort into getting her horny enough to give in. I will admit that I found it weird for a 50 year old broad to be pulling this shit on me but it doesn’t matter, after a week of not breaking through, I got mad and wanted to fuck her saggy old lady ass and she said it was because she got her period.

Now the main reason I was banging this grandma was because I figured she was dried up and unable to get knocked up, unable to get her period which suited my needs when I was 24 of no baby and constant sex as long as I had a tube of KY next to the bed, but she dropped the fucking period line, something I never thought I’d have to deal with with her….

Now for the 8 weeks we were “seeing each other”, I never got up in her because she always had a tampon in her, and I never pulled it out to see if it was actually used. So either this bitch had a serious gynecological problem and was bleeding for 8 weeks, or she was a total mental case who had some weird OCD about keeping tampons in her or the most likely case it was her way of keeping me the fuck out….and it worked.

I wish I could say the same for Courtney Cox, but the way she’s lookin’ at me in these pictures, I know she wants me…

Related Posts:
Jennifer Aniston Bikini
Courtney Cox’s Bra
Courtney Cox Nipple
Courtney Cox Bikini

Posted in:Bikini|Courtney Cox|Surfing|Unsorted

2007

06

Jul

I am – Jennifer Garner Surfing of the Day

8 Comments »

Here are some pictures of Jennifer Garner surfing in Hawaii on the 4th of July. I think she’s been in Hawaii surfing for a couple of weeks now and I am a little jealous. Not because every piece of white trash in America’s dream vacation is Hawaii, but because surfing seems pretty cool.

I keep telling people that when I stop doing this website I am going to move somewhere and surf all day, just because people who surf look relaxed, healthy and like getting fucked up. They also have chicks flocking to them in bikinis. The only problem with my surf dream is that I weigh about 300 lbs and although being fat and pasty isn’t stopping Jennifer Garner, it will stop me because I am considerate to other people. Sure, she had a kid and she’s really not even that fat but she isn’t hot and that’s just as bad as being fat, maybe even worse.

Chicks who have kids like use the kids as an excuse for being fat and it seems to be accepted as fact. Reality is that the bitch is just lazy and decides to never go back to their pre-birth weight and would rather sit at home eating donuts until their husband leaves them for the secretary at their office jobs. Sometimes dealing with the wife crying about how she’s devoted her life to you, worked so hard for the family by watching Soap Operas all day and never getting off her fat ass to work at having any sex appeal for the husband to want to stay with her is worth going through to have some fun.

Either way, I also hate the water, never travel and I am too broke and lazy to make a move to get to a surf spot, but it’s still a nice dream….one that keeps me going….

2007

28

May

I am – Heather Locklear Learns How to Surf in a Bikini of the Day

49 Comments »

I am pretty fucking sure I have seen these pictures of Heather Locklear learning how to surf in a bikini but I tried scrubbing the site to see if I am repeating myself and I realized that looking through the archives was too much work and that it would be easier for me to just post them. Aren’t you glad I let you in on my thought process instead of just posting the pics and writing some lame joke about her tits, her fat friend used to make her look skinny, her solid body for a 40 year old groupie slut who bangs rockers, but instead I wasted your time.

Speaking of wasting time, I didn’t leave my shitty apartment all weekend. I was convinced that staying in was the way to healthy living because everytime I do end up leaving, I end up getting drunk.

I did go on a walk through the park and it was some park festival and they had shitty Bar Mitzvah DJs playing shitty pop music while kids ate hamburgers and roasted Marshmallows with lesbian looking scout councilors because you know any adult in Scouts is either a lesbian, child molester, loser with no friends or purpose but an aptitude in survival, or overbearing parents that want to watch over their kids every fucking second of the day.

That said, I got sprayed by some kid’s watergun and it made me mad. This has been an amazing fucking story. Part of me wants to apologize for running off on such useless shit, but then my rational side reminds me that I hate you, that this is my website, and that I can write about picking my asshole to see if I can smell last night’s dinner after digestion on it and you can’t say much about it.

Heather Locklear may be hot, but she’s getting old making her like last night’s dinner rather than tonight’s dinner, if you know what I mean…if you don’t it means she’s already been digested, but I haven’t shit her out yet, because I still have a little more lovin’ to give in me, but she’s old news and not as exciting as tonight’s dinner that I am already hungry for because I only eat one meal a day but still manage to keep getting fatter.

Ok. Enough of this.

Posted in:Beach|Bikini|Heather Locklear|Surfing|Unsorted

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