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Archive for the Ass Category

2007

26

Jul

I am – Catherine Zeta Jones Is A Winner of the Day

1 Comment »

Catherine Zeta-Jones

By the time your read this post, I will be in the middle of a strip search at the airport. Apparently, bull-dyke security guards think white girls in tank tops and yoga pants make excellent terrorists. I am flying to LA today to meet up with an old client, we’ll call him WR. He’s turning 50 on friday, and offered to fly me out to help him ‘celebrate.’ WR was one of my biggest spenders who let me sleep over at his townhouse and paid me extra for it, which i would have done for free (my pimp kept me in shitholes). He has this bending a girl over some sort of rail fetish and fucking her from behind. I am talking the wooden rails on his staircase landings, the stone wall of his ‘front’ balcony, and the fire-scape in the back. I didn’t like the fire-escape: it was too low and metal, and I am not into pelvic bruising , and a few times he pounded me so hard i nearly went over.

WR moved to LA just before I quit the biz of being a true-blue whore. We kept in touch, and I became his sort of confidante. Why is it that when someone shoves coins up your cunt for a while they feel like they have an intimate bond with you? Maybe it’s because you’re their dirty little secret, so they can unburden their own on you without being judged. Or let’s face it, they are fucking lonely.

Now I know I swore off penetration-for-pay a few years back, but there is a loophole. WR’s cock snuggly fills this loophole: my rent is due and LA is my first hometown. Also, WR is twice my age, has insane cholesterol issues, and I am thinking about his will.

If you are gonna judge me for a free vacation and crazy sex for cash, then judge Catherine Zeta Jones also. She married an old man for a contract and popped out as many kids as his decaying sperm could deliver. Here she is with her ample tits and bod at Letterman yesterday. Pretend you are Michael Douglas and you own it. Although I am not impressed with her ass… it’s a little flat.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

EMAIL ME HERE


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Posted in:Ass|Catherine Zeta-Jones|cleavage|Unsorted

2007

20

Jul

I am – Vida Guerra’s Ass of the Day

2 Comments »

Vida Guerra

I used to be super into sports and being active when I was around 15, until I realized that smoking pot in the schooyard with my friends and being outside in the sun fuking around was a hell of a lot more fun then being inside getting yelled by Coach. I was real good at Basketball and Volleyball, but I generally just don’t have that killer instinct when it comes to winning and when we would loose a game and Coach would yell at us, I would just b all “Yeah, whatever.� And go outside to smoke and send text messages and find out where the party was at.

A lot of the other problem was that I hated the fact that all the sports kids rolled together at school, and that I didn’t fit in with sporty-bitch-cunt girls, nor was I interested in fucking the meathead-jock-assholes who ran around date raping the girls I went to school with, who thought by fucking those idiots it would make them popular or some shit. So I ended up quitting sports all together, and even though the assholes didn’t want to date rape me for the most part which was good (but also didn’t matter cause that shit had already happened when I was 14 anyways and traumatized me forever, more on that later). The chicks however, did end up wanting to kick the shit out of me on a regular basis and I don’t believe in fighting for the part and spent most of highschool watching my ass, and I really don’t give a shit if you call me a pussy, because people who run around picking fights need to grow the fuck up. Eventually once I became a senior I was taller then all of them and also punch one square in the face at a party who was fucking with a younger chick. None of them fucked with me after that.

Alas, instead of staying in the sports game, getting a scholarship or something y, and ending up with an ass like Vida Guerra from working out so much and being fit, I ended up developing photos during my lunch hour to avoid fist fights, getting a job writing for all 6 of you reading out there and not getting to go to a state college. Overall, I do think I ended up with a pretty nice ass tho.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez


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Posted in:Ass|Unsorted|Vida Guerra

2007

20

Jul

I am – Vida Guerra's Ass of the Day

2 Comments »

Vida Guerra

I used to be super into sports and being active when I was around 15, until I realized that smoking pot in the schooyard with my friends and being outside in the sun fuking around was a hell of a lot more fun then being inside getting yelled by Coach. I was real good at Basketball and Volleyball, but I generally just don’t have that killer instinct when it comes to winning and when we would loose a game and Coach would yell at us, I would just b all “Yeah, whatever.” And go outside to smoke and send text messages and find out where the party was at.

A lot of the other problem was that I hated the fact that all the sports kids rolled together at school, and that I didn’t fit in with sporty-bitch-cunt girls, nor was I interested in fucking the meathead-jock-assholes who ran around date raping the girls I went to school with, who thought by fucking those idiots it would make them popular or some shit. So I ended up quitting sports all together, and even though the assholes didn’t want to date rape me for the most part which was good (but also didn’t matter cause that shit had already happened when I was 14 anyways and traumatized me forever, more on that later). The chicks however, did end up wanting to kick the shit out of me on a regular basis and I don’t believe in fighting for the part and spent most of highschool watching my ass, and I really don’t give a shit if you call me a pussy, because people who run around picking fights need to grow the fuck up. Eventually once I became a senior I was taller then all of them and also punch one square in the face at a party who was fucking with a younger chick. None of them fucked with me after that.

Alas, instead of staying in the sports game, getting a scholarship or something y, and ending up with an ass like Vida Guerra from working out so much and being fit, I ended up developing photos during my lunch hour to avoid fist fights, getting a job writing for all 6 of you reading out there and not getting to go to a state college. Overall, I do think I ended up with a pretty nice ass tho.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez


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Posted in:Ass|Unsorted|Vida Guerra

2007

18

Jul

I am – Rocio Diaz in Pronto Magazine of the Day

2 Comments »

Rocia Diaz

I had to walk home through the park last Wednesday because I lost my week-long bus pass and my wallet said no to a new one, so fuck you bus. It had just rained and was hot as balls. The park was deserted, except for what i took at first to be a homeless guy lying on this big rock at the edge of the pond. This was an odd place for a nap, since he was basically in the water, which is covered in a 5 inch layer of green sludge that smells like mother nature’s moldy wadge, and even the homeless have standards. So then I am thinking maybe it’s a dead body, how exciting! I step in for a closer look, then realize its some sort of dirty hipster couple making out… making out in a huge puddle of rotting forrest and duck shit.

Here is Rocio Diaz in Pronto magazine, dressing as an 80s stripper. I have no idea who she is and I don’t read Spanish so well, but she looks like the kind of girl who would be down for some heavy-petting in a lake of sewage if you got her drunk enough. Your virgin loins are about to get dirty.

Obediently yours,

Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

EMAIL ME HERE


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2007

16

Jul

I am – Kim Kardashian Bikini Pictures of the Day

6 Comments »

Kim Kardishian Bikini

What’s up motherfuckers. I am not sure if you remember me. I am that asshole who abandoned you on the internet last week only to get some friends and family to post more content than I ever could, with more skill and style than I ever had. I guess what I did was throw some shit down to make you realize you don’t need me in an attempt to self-destruct the website so that I can spend my life on cruises that my wife wins at the grocery store because bitch is fat.

So far what I have realized on my trip is that I don’t have enough money to travel the way I want to travel. I don’t have any patience for flying and the whole fucking time I am in the air I think the fucking thing is going to drop out of the sky. I am not into places where people don’t speak english because it makes ordering a fucking drink pretty fucking impossible. I do like bikinis and all the hookers that are being thrown my way, not because I can even afford to bang one, or get hard for them and that is like putting a fat bitch in a buffet line where all the food is glued down to the table, but sex trade always makes me happy.

I feel pretty uninspired. Vacations make me stupid, I haven’t written a thing and feel rusty, just not as rusty as Kardashian’s ass after some black hip hop dude stuffs her like a Jamaican Patty without a condom on but I am never too uninspired to look at Kardashian tits in a bikini. This Armenian fashion accessory even haunts me when I am trying to get away from all this bullshit because her big tits distract me from the rest of her uselessness and as I have learned this week, good tits are good enough for me to overlook an ugly bitch….

Point of this post is to say that Internet on a cruise costs money and no matter how good this post coulda been, it’s never going to get there because I am on a budget… Now back to my stepdaughter Marie Eve, who is doing a great job. Cuddles.

With Love,

Jesus Martinez
Drunkenstepfather.com
On Vacation…


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2007

11

Jul

I am – Shakira's Ass of the Day

2 Comments »

Shakira’s Ass

Shakira’s body defys all odds of physics as we know it, and I mean that in the best possible way. She gives hope to us young girls that we don’t have to starve ourselves in order be attractive. I also read somewhere she’s got an incredibly high IQ, but for all I know her publicist thought it would look good and just threw that in there to try and dim the fact that she looks like a stripper 98% of the time, which may or may not be a bad thing depending who you talk to.

I go to school with this girl who wants to be a stripper, no shit. She wrote about it in an essay for our Creative Writing class in a sort of “What do you want to be when you grow up?” type thing. It wasn’t some shit like “Oh, I wanna do it to put myself through med school” (which is always a lie btw) or even “I just wanna do it to make some cash.” this is actually what she wants to do for a living.

The look on the teachers face was priceless when she walked up to read her essay, and the content was filled with choosing a name which projects the type of image you wish to be known by, how she plans to deal with other strippers who want to fight her, and the art of using the pole to the best of her ability. Most of the girls just shifted uncomfortably in their desks, while the guys all seemed to have a new interest in her after class. I just laughed my ass off at the fact that my stepfather would probably be throwing dollar bills at her within the next 6 months.

Posted in:Ass|Shakira|Uncategorized|Unsorted

2007

11

Jul

I am – Shakira’s Ass of the Day

2 Comments »

Shakira’s Ass

Shakira’s body defys all odds of physics as we know it, and I mean that in the best possible way. She gives hope to us young girls that we don’t have to starve ourselves in order be attractive. I also read somewhere she’s got an incredibly high IQ, but for all I know her publicist thought it would look good and just threw that in there to try and dim the fact that she looks like a stripper 98% of the time, which may or may not be a bad thing depending who you talk to.

I go to school with this girl who wants to be a stripper, no shit. She wrote about it in an essay for our Creative Writing class in a sort of “What do you want to be when you grow up?” type thing. It wasn’t some shit like “Oh, I wanna do it to put myself through med school” (which is always a lie btw) or even “I just wanna do it to make some cash.” this is actually what she wants to do for a living.

The look on the teachers face was priceless when she walked up to read her essay, and the content was filled with choosing a name which projects the type of image you wish to be known by, how she plans to deal with other strippers who want to fight her, and the art of using the pole to the best of her ability. Most of the girls just shifted uncomfortably in their desks, while the guys all seemed to have a new interest in her after class. I just laughed my ass off at the fact that my stepfather would probably be throwing dollar bills at her within the next 6 months.

Posted in:Ass|Shakira|Uncategorized|Unsorted

2007

10

Jul

I am – Hilary Swank Bikini Pictures of the Day

5 Comments »

hilary_swank_bikini3.jpg

If I was a real blogger I’d write that bitch was wrong in saying Boys Don’t Cry because she never got in a bikini for them to put that theory to test. She probably hasn’t pulled out her dick in the movie and raped anyone either, but I do know that there are some things that make a guy cry.

Hilary Swank has only been hot in one role, and that’s Boys Don’t Cry, because even though she looked like a dude, I still got to see her stuff Becky from Roseanne with a dildo and at the time it came out lesbians had little place in the World, except maybe for Ellen or this bitch who worked at the laundry mat down the street from me who always gave me dirty looks because I had a penis…

Reality is, I am trying to get ready for this cruise my wife went on. She isn’t coming with me anymore because I convinced her that I needed to get away from her and that she wouldn’t fit on the plane, fit in a bathing suit or fit in the deck chairs they had lined up by the pool. I am not as excited as I should be about this cruise because someone told me everything costs money once you’re there, I am not into being locked in a floating mall with a bunch of old ladies for 2 days without seeing land, and I have never travelled. Today’s goal was to go out and get sedatives from the doctor because health care is free, but I slept in and now I am forced to come back to this site and post shit you’ve already seen about Hilary Swank’s shrunken tits and horseface. I don’t mind, I am actually going to miss doing this everyday and that’s more embarrassing than when Hilary Swank’s testicles fall out of her bikini and into the fag she’s dating’s mouth….

Posted in:Ass|Bikini|Hilary Swank|Tits|Unsorted

2007

09

Jul

I am – Hayden Panettiere Bikini Pictures of the Day

1 Comment »

hayden_panettiere_bikini_to.jpg

Everyone has been writing about this girl like she’s the next Lohan, I was always confused about it because she looks like a fucking troll. I was thinking that at first she was a make a wish foundation candidate and people were just giving a terminally ill girl her dream, but her career has been too long lived for it to be a make a wish deal and people seem to just ignore the fact that she is or looks disabled.

She does remind me of this one girl I banged once. She was pretty sad and lonely and no one liked her because she was 4 foot 4. She had only had never had a boyfriend, but had sex with anyone willing, unfortunately I was one of those guys. She insisted that I don’t use a condom, and what that happens I insist on using one, because she didn’t know me for more than about 45 mins before ending up naked in the back alley of a bar. Either way, when I was done, I had to tie the condom in a knot and put it in my pocket because I was convinced she was so desperate that she’d take the fucking thing and try to knock herself up.

Either way, to those who find this Panettier bitch hot, here she is half naked.

Posted in:Ass|Bikini|Hayden Panettiere|Tits|Unsorted

2007

09

Jul

I am – Alessandra Ambrosio Slutting out of the Day

2 Comments »

alessandra_ambrosio_slut_to.jpg

So these are some more pictures form the Ambrosio day at the beach that I didn’t bother posting because I figure you’ve all seen this bitch half naked and every other site beat me to it. Since I haven’t bothered checkin any other sites today because I was too busy getting a lunch at a place I always go on Monday’s because they have a $2 spaghetti special that I can’t pass up on because I love spaghetti it makes me feel so cultured and at $2 I can afford it because my wife doesn’t notice when I steal change….

Either way, one of the girls who works there an knows me started telling me how I scared off one of her waitress friends because I added her to facebook and asked her what she was wearing. For the last 2 months bitch has been running in the bathroom hiding when I get in and refuses to take my order or even make eye contact with me. Reality is I ask every girl what she is wearing whether she is hot or not, it’s just my way of communicating, I can’t get it up so any sexual harassment should be non-threatening, and people need to stop taking themselves so fucking seriously, they need to stop thinking that they are so fucking important and they should think I am out to get them because this is what I do all day, I don’t even remember half the shit I spew. Your life isn’t the O.C. and sometimes when you look at things as a joke it makes life a little more fun, instead of hiding in bathrooms you should just get on webcam and show me your fuckin’ tits.

That said, we should all take a little cue from Alessandra Ambrosio and how she isn’t taking life too seriously as she gets herpes in public.

Posted in:Alessandra Ambrosio|Ass|Kissing|Making Out|Slut|Unsorted