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Archive for the Boyfriend Category




Eliza Dushku Wears Boyfriend Jeans of the Day

I hear this Boyfriend term all the fucking time lately. Every magazine, every TV show, every shitty website mentions the fukcing shit, and all I see is over-sized, ill-fitting, not so hot clothes. Sure, it’s nice to pretend the whore is wearing the jeans to prevent her from being judged when doing the walk of shame, cuz she had a bit too much to drink the night before and let her vagina go on a little adventure, but the truth is shit’s just ugly and fantasies take too much work, I like shit given to me in the form of pictures, so that I don’t have to use my imagination for shit….plus if these were actually her boyfriend’s jeans, they’d be a hell of a lot more ridiculous looking, see Rick Fox is a big black man, and she’s a little white girl who likes having her vagina destroyed by massive athlete cock, so it’s safe to say she needs to wear these baggy jeans, cuz her mangled cunt is all bandaged up and meaty as fuck and doesn’t fit into her regular skinny jeans….and who really cares…she looks like shit.

Pics via Bauer

Posted in:Boyfriend|Eliza Dushku




Kristen Bell’s Boyfriend Hangs With Pussy While She Fantasizes About Being a Mom of the Day

I guess when you spend your career “acting” in horrible relationship comedies, you eventually start bringing your work home with you, because here is a scene you’d expect to be pulled right out of a Kristen Bell movie, where the boyfriend hustles some bitch with a fat ass, but an ass that is appealing to fuck because his girlfriend’s ass is repetitive and annoying since it thinks it is famous, while Kristen Bell is off lookin at a baby, holding her womb, wishing that fucking thing came out of her, but she’s been too vain and career oriented to let it happen, but figures she might as well take the plunge because she’s not getting any younger and figures Dax Sheppard, despite how pathetic he is to the rest of the world, has put up with her bullshit all this time and might as well be the donor, since finding a new boyfriend may come easy for her, but building to the level of starting a family with a motherfucker will just take too long and she wants a baby now…..but I’m just speculating….

Pics via PacificCoastNews

Posted in:Boyfriend|Kristen Bell|Mom




Khloe Kardashian and Her Big Black Boyfriend of the Day

Apparently the 6 foot 5 monster Kardashian, weighing in a 200 lbs, has finally found her match, and by match someone who’s penis she can actually feel inside of her who is no too picky about the pussy he sticks it inside, because up until now she’s only been able to attract real desperate losers, none of whom were 7 foot 2 with penis that even the biggest girls they got with couldn’t take, which really sucked for her, not that she deserved any better, considering she’s fucking vile to look at, but now that she’s on TV she’s been able to get her message out there and I guess someone came knocking’.

Pics via PacificCoastNews

Posted in:Boyfriend|Khloe Kardashian




Audrina and Her New Boyfriend of the Day

I love seeing Audrina in a relationship because it gives me hope that something goes wrong with her birth control pill, cuz you know people in Hollywood don’t use condoms, and she gets knocked up, forced to make the decision of whether to keep the baby or not, as her doctor has warned her one more abortion will leave her sterile like the sex offender theym castrated down the street from me, or maybe her drug addiction, loneliness and dillusions of being this huge star will make her think that a baby is a hot accessory, that people like her for more than just her tits, and that they are interested in actually watching her struggle with pregnancy all while lockin’ this motherfucker down to her like she was Jessica Alba, you know the vagina that traps you in for life.

Posted in:Audrina Patridge|Boyfriend




Some Britney Spears Pictures with her Agent Boyfriend Re-Release of the Day

These are some old pictures of Britney and her agent boyfriend. A story that hit yesterday and is being used to cover up something, but I’m not sure what. Maybe the fact she had an abortion, or maybe it’s some conspiracy organized by her over-bearing control freak alcoholic father cuz he needs her money to keep his shitty businesses afloat.

I’ve probably already posted them. But I guess any excuse for bikini pictures is good enough for me, even if the pictures are of Britney, a piece of ass a lot more weathered than the prime teenage chainsmoker in American Apparel I was sitting next to 5 minutes ago.

Posted in:Agent|Boyfriend|Britney Spears




Leanne Rimes and Her Gay Boyfriend of the Day

I hate Leanne Rimes and her husband. The are the obnoxious fitness couple who go to the gym, and for bike rides, jogs and weight lifting sessions before stopping for lunch at the gym to pick up a protein shake….while frowning on the rest of the world who eat fast food and enjoy sitting. You know the kind of girl who slowly morphs into a dude as her new found muscles turn her tits into a solid pec, her booty in a man’s ass and her clit into the size of a grown man’s thumb, a piece of information my little league coach used to tell me before making me jerk him off, but that’s not the point, the point is how her husband decides it’s just too hot to wear a t-shirt and just conveniently need to take it off to show the world my abs like I was a faggot in a gay bath house or some shit.

Posted in:Boyfriend|Gay|Leanne Rimes




Ryan Seacrest is My Boyfriend of the Day

So I was I somehow managed to get on this Ryan Seacrest email list that his radio sends out to and for some reason they didn’t BCC the shit…and it went like this:

Ryan Seacrest exclusively revealed Thursday that Madonna, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake will still hit the stage together despite a major section of the stage being damaged.


So I responded to all:

If you knew how much I jerked off to Ryan Seacrest and his amazing hair, you’d be sending me restraining orders and not links to his site, but since I appreciate all things Ryan Seacrest, I am totally hard over this email. I hope that doesn’t offend anyone.

Cordially and With Love,

Jesus Martinez

I am posting it because I got a kick out of it, but the this girl didn’t, I guess she’s a real fan of Seacrest.

You’re fat and shy in real life.  And your website is the biggest piece of misogynistic shit on the Internet. 

Shame they haven’t come up with such a thing as retroactive abortions. 

And my response:

I am shy and fat on the internet too. Don’t hate me, I didn’t invite fat chicks.



ps -Good retroactive abortion joke, did you get that at your rape victims survivor class, you penis hating cunt.

Posted in:Boyfriend|Ryan Seacrest




Miley Cyrus’ Male Model Boyfriend is a Sister of the Day

Since I first heard about Miley dating some 20 year old underwear model, I assumed the obvious and that was that the dude was gay, lookin’ for exposure like he was Chris Crocker, only more innovative than Chris Crocker because he actally got hooked in with the biggest thing in entertainment right now, at least I hear that’s why Miley calls herself to her parents when they ground her for being in passed her curfew.

There was never a doubt in my mind that this dude actually liked penis, I knew he was a flaming based on his job as an underwear model and the ripple of his abs, that only a gay man would care enough to create, by spending a ton of time at the gym, because the gym is the best place to go see cock in the showers, and I figure that it was important to get it out there, because I’ve been slamming Miley for being a whore all this time, when in reality the only dick she’s been sucking has been in her sexual fantasies, as this motherfucker’s consistently been turning her down, and to think it was because he liked cock and not because he was scared of your really bad fucking teeth and inexperience damaging his money maker.

I don’t want to spend too much time on this, because who really cares….unless of course you’re like me and spend a good part of your day trying to figure out if Miley still has her cherry or if shit’s been popped.

To see the rest of his gay escapade and read the story….

Posted in:Boyfriend|Gay|Miley Cyrus




Miley Cyrus’ Boyfriends Gives Her a Little Ice Cream of the Day

Tuesday night, Miley Cyrus went to do a staged candid photoshoot at a Milkshake joint owned by a Paparazzi and I posted the video of Billy Ray Cyrus feeding Miley her ice cream yesterday.

What I didn’t realize is that she was there with her 20 year old boyfriend, doing normal 16 year old girl things like going to the ice cream parlor getting some milkshakes, before she can bring her milkshake, that she’s been practicing on all the suits over at Disney, to the backseat and to good use on 20 year old fame fuckers. So as he feeds her like she is his little baby, and she takes it in, not realizing he’s got other plans for her to take things in later that night, but the statutory rape only starts after they sit around talking about boys, music and shopping while doing each other’s hair for a couple hours, so it’s not as predatorial as you may think. I hear next week, he’s going to teach her how to drive stick, if you know what I mean and in his defense, I am still trying to have sex with sixteen year old girls, that’s why I applied for a job at a driving school a few months ago, but I didn’t get it because having sex with sixteen year old girls is the wrong answer when they ask you why you want the job.

Update: Here’s a Video of Annoyingly Useless and Far Too Rich and Relevant Miley Cyrus Watching Her Model Boyfriend at the Ed Hardy Fashion Show, It turns out they were eating Non-Fat Frozen Yogurt, because they are both little girls…Just look how smitten Miley gets when he prances around on stage, if you listen hard enough, you can hear her ovary drop, I think she’s primed and ready….

Posted in:Boyfriend|Ice Cream|Miley Cyrus|Slut




Who’s Gayer, Mischa Barton’s Dog or Her Boyfriend? of the Day

I haven’t quite figured out what’s gayer, Mischa Barton’s Dog or her Boyfriend. I’d write more, but why bother, no one reads the site anyway, except for assholes that threaten to sue me for illegally using their boring pictures of useless people like Micha Barton walking her fucking dog with her ladder-climbing opportunist boyfriend who thought fake dating Barton would lead to something bigger for him, before finding out the hard reality that her career is pretty much over, that’s what you get for being ambitious buttfucker.

Posted in:Boyfriend|Dog|Gay|Mischa Barton