Unsorted Archives - Page 111 of 511 Archive - DrunkenStepFather.com

2007

17

Jul

I am – Carmen Electra Being Hot and Walking of the Day

Carmen Electra

Remember when that rumor was going around that Carmen Electra and Joan Jett were having some sort of torrid lesbian love affair? Guys around America were rejoicing and jerking off in unison over just thinking about them together, even though they forget the fact that one more lesbian is one less women they will get to sleep with.
There was all these senior class girls at my school last year going around telling everyone they were lesbians and blah blah blah, even though they would never fuck another chick unless there was some Jock asshole present. I wonâ€™t put a number on it, but I am more then convinced that a fair portion of young lesbian and bi-sexual girls out there only do so when there is cameras and guys around because they know it turns guys on, and makes them think guys will like them instead of just fuck them and move on to the next girl. Donâ€™t get me wrong, I know a fair amount of gay girls, and these girls are gayer then gay.

I knew this â€œgayâ€? girl named Andi a few years back who was a real out-type gay person and always talking about how she was soooo gay, and how she was scared of dick and it was so gross etc, generally just stopping sort of wearing a shirt that said HEY EVERYBODY I’M A BIG LESBO. She was super hott and one of those chicks guys always complained was a waste cause she was gay (which, guys, is total bullshit, asshole attitude, btw).

Anyways, Andi ended up moving to another city, and low and behold not only did I find out that Andi liked to fuck guys, but fucked half my roster of male friends in the short period she lived in the city. For a girl who claimed to hate cock so much, she sure fukking swallowed a lot of it. The funniest part is the way she played all those losers and made them think they were special and the only guy she had ever fucked and it was some special moment between a lesbian and a straight guy or something. Guys will believe anything, so long as it will get them laid. Sorry.

Related PostsI am â€“ Carmen Electra Shops for Lingerie of the Day
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I am â€“ Carmen Electraâ€™s Nipples of the Day
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Posted in:Carmen Electra|Unsorted

2007

17

Jul

I am – Tara Reid in a Bikini of the Day

1 Comment »

Tara Reid Bikini

A while back I went to a bar and met a hot euro-trash guy who said he was from Monaco. I was mix’n Xanax with liquor (as i usually do). He tells me he is an art-dealer, which means he launders money. And this is where it all goes to SLUT…

“…. suddenly inside Kama Sutra theme apartment… art guy doing lines with new Indian guy… shivering in panties in the bathtub as water runs… art guy can’t get it up…. art guy crying… waking up naked in a silk canopy bed next to Indian guy…. sensing i had not had sex but had been groped in my sleep… weird bruises in tender places… realizing I was much classier when I was as a hooker…” In my book, I didn’t truly become a whore until I stopped charging: being a hooker was a business, being an irresponsible slut was being a whore.

Here is Tara Reid, old-school Slut, giving it to a football in Malibu yesterday. She’s on one of her clean-up kicks and looking good (except her busted lypo abs). But her hot streaks always end the same way: 20 lbs of beer bloat, botched plastic surgery, and a boob slip. Until then, enjoy these.

Obediently yours,

Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

EMAIL ME HERE

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I am â€“ Tara Reid’s See Through Dress of the Day
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Posted in:Big Tits|Bikini|Slut|Tara Reid|Unsorted

2007

17

Jul

I am – Kirsten Dunst is a Drunken, Braless, Mess of the Day

5 Comments »

Kirsten Dunst

The more I write about rich people, the less I understand them, I swear to fucking god. My mom always tells me that you can’t understand someone until you walk around in their shoes for awhile, but if you have never had a pair of shoes, and don’t know what its like to walk in shoes in the first place, well, I think you see what I’m getting at.

The only thing worse then a rich person who walks around with ridiculous luxuries is one who tryâ€™s way to god damned hard to be like common people. This bitch is a millionaire, she was in Interview with a Vampire when she was eleven and got to kiss Brad Pitt. She probably has more money then you and your entire family will ever make until you die.

I donâ€™t understand those supposedly crazy rich homeless guys either, and to be honest, I think that shit is all a myth. Every town I have ever lived in has some some old wives talk about Johnny the millionaire who gave it all up to live on the street. Why, honestly why, would some rich asshole give up everything he owns to live on the street, eat what you and I throw away, sleep on concrete etc? You either have rich guys walking around with diamonds on their teeth, or rich people who donâ€™t want to be rich and walk around braless and not showered.

Maybe itâ€™s not myth, maybe itâ€™s the opposite. Maybe a lot of the homeless are some type of supreme intellectual being that understand we donâ€™t need material things to be happy. If thatâ€™s the case, next time a homeless person asks me for change, I ainâ€™t giving him shit, and Iâ€™m DAMN sure gonna loot his pockets for his ATM card.

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I am â€“ Kirsten Dunst Bikini Pics of the Day
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Posted in:Kirsten Dunst|Unsorted

2007

17

Jul

I am – Britney Spears Looking Fast and Easy of the Day

6 Comments »

Britney Spears

This is Britney Spears no longer pretending to be something she isn’t. She’s finally looking as fast and easy as a drive-thru McDonalds. I want to say something mean because she used to be a big deal, but now that I can relate to her, I kind of want to stick up for her. Besides, if I defend her, maybe she’ll read this, fall in love with me, and I’ll get to put it where K-Fed did, and even though that’s kind fo gross, it would make a great story to tell at the park.

Speaking of being trash, this weekend I went to this BBQ full of rich kids working on their PhDs. Some dude tried making me feel little with his psycho-babble bullshit butI just smiled and nodded like I didn’t have a clue what he was saying. Then when he wasn’t around, I asked his girlfriend if she wanted to do me. She told me that she most certainly does not, and I said that it was probably for the best because I was too drunk to get it up anyway. I told her if she wanted me to go down on her, though, I’d be over at the park, and sauntered off with a couple brewskis for the road.

When she didn’t show-up, I wasn’t too disappointed. After all, I wasn’t all that much into her because she wasn’t Mexican. Which reminds me, not a single Latina has e-mailed me yet. The only thing I get in my inbox are viruses — which is wierd, because I’m used to catching shit from Sugar Nell, not an e-mail. Anyway, if you’re a Latina who needs to get married to stay in the country, you should e-mail me because I’m lonely and love you.

Harley Houston

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Posted in:Britney Spears|Unsorted

2007

17

Jul

I am – Kelly Osborne Eats Popsicles of the Day

4 Comments »

Kelly Osborne

When I think of girls eating popsicles, I think of girls in short-shorts, with knee high socks, in really, tight white shirts that are kinda see through, but maybe that’s just me. Instead, here’s Kelly Osborne, a piece of celebrity offspring that I really try to hate but canâ€™t. As much as sheâ€™s a whiney, spoiled, little bitch at times, she doesnâ€™t really deny it, and the first step towards beating is a problem is admitting you have one.

I work at Dairy Queen part time, and you would be amazed at the number of fat little shits that come in there everyday with the parents. They are obviously not in need of any more ice cream, hamburgers, french fries etc, yet day after day, their parents come in to buy it for them. All it takes is the kid laying down on the floor I never mop and kicking and screaming for a minute and half and BAM!, they get whatever they want. It;â€™s truly amazing to watch a 35 year old man crumble at due to a 5 year old.

Unfortunately, I learned pretty fast that throwing temper tantrums never works with Jesus and my mother. One time they left me in Wal-Mart, kicking and screaming until I realized they were gone. and started to cry. I took a ride home from some random stranger and made small talk with him about school, while in my head all I could think of was this old dude killing me and dumping me in a ditch off the highway. I got home, went to my room and cried, and I also didnâ€™t throw any more temper tantrums after that.

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Posted in:Kelly Osborne|Unsorted

2007

17

Jul

I am – CSI’s Jorja Fox Surfing of the Day

1 Comment »

Jorja Fox from CSI

Last week I was going to meet my gay friend at a bar and have a drunken girls’ night, the kind of girls’ night you can only have with gay men and no other girls. On my way I walked by the New York City Blood Bank. I was wondering if the Bank still bought blood, because i really want a new pair of fuck-me-heels and no one wants to buy my ex-hooker eggs. Next I thought to myself, ‘wouldn’t it be funny if someone was passed out on the steps in a pool of their own blood?’ About 6 yards from the steps, I noticed a fist-size wad of gauze soaked in dried blood. It was half of a dream come true, and none of my dreams ever come close to a quarter true.

Jesus is off having his dream-cruise come true (sort of), and now it’s your turn (not really). Here is Jorja Fox from CSI Vegas surfing in Venice Beach in a bikini. She is close to 40, and I think she looks pretty good, although I am sure Jesus would say otherwise. I won’t speak ill of her because I had this fantasy where my Turkish Pimp Zeki would kidnap me to Vegas, burry me in a box in the dessert, and then the hot guy and Jorja would save me just in time–then kill Zeki with a shovel. This may have actually been an episode.

Also, reader Mark emailed me and asked if he could send Jesus $20 for a blowjob on his cruise. That was sweet. Your call Jesus.

Obediently yours,

Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

EMAIL ME HERE

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Posted in:Beach|Bikini|Jorja Fox|Unsorted

2007

17

Jul

I am – CSI's Jorja Fox Surfing of the Day

No Comments »

Jorja Fox from CSI

Last week I was going to meet my gay friend at a bar and have a drunken girls’ night, the kind of girls’ night you can only have with gay men and no other girls. On my way I walked by the New York City Blood Bank. I was wondering if the Bank still bought blood, because i really want a new pair of fuck-me-heels and no one wants to buy my ex-hooker eggs. Next I thought to myself, ‘wouldn’t it be funny if someone was passed out on the steps in a pool of their own blood?’ About 6 yards from the steps, I noticed a fist-size wad of gauze soaked in dried blood. It was half of a dream come true, and none of my dreams ever come close to a quarter true.

Jesus is off having his dream-cruise come true (sort of), and now it’s your turn (not really). Here is Jorja Fox from CSI Vegas surfing in Venice Beach in a bikini. She is close to 40, and I think she looks pretty good, although I am sure Jesus would say otherwise. I won’t speak ill of her because I had this fantasy where my Turkish Pimp Zeki would kidnap me to Vegas, burry me in a box in the dessert, and then the hot guy and Jorja would save me just in time–then kill Zeki with a shovel. This may have actually been an episode.

Also, reader Mark emailed me and asked if he could send Jesus $20 for a blowjob on his cruise. That was sweet. Your call Jesus.

Obediently yours,

Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

EMAIL ME HERE

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Posted in:Beach|Bikini|Jorja Fox|Unsorted

2007

17

Jul

I am – Jessica Simpson's Boobs of the Day

No Comments »

Jessica Simpson

Our token gay blogger, Julien, sent this to me this morning via email, and since I know most of you are virgins, and probably closet homos anyways, I figured I would post this and give you some insight into your little “dilemma”.

As a gay, I know that “Gaydar” really exists. I can spot a fellow homo walking down the street, riding a bus, showering at the gym, hell, wherever. I’ve been doing it ever since I knew that I wanted to kiss other guys, which was at the age of 4. I’ve gotten it down to a science. I know when a guy is a fag before he does. Now, a lot of people, mostly straight men, think that Gaydar is bullshit. Probably because they are afraid that the gays are going to find out that they are actually in the closet. (PS we already know)

I’ve decided that the straight male equivalent to Gaydar is “Fake Breastar”. Every straight guy I know claims that they can spot fake breasts from a mile away. They claim it’s in the way they bounce, their shape etc. Now, being a pure-blooded homosexual, my breast experience is very limited. I touch a boob maybe once every 3 years (and against my will of course). Here is Jessica Simpson at an after-party for her bullshit swimwear launch. As I stated before, I
don’t know a tit from a hole in the ground, so I’m not saying that Jessica’s boobs are fake.

But I do think they might be gay.

Smooch!

Julian

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Posted in:Jessica Simpson|Tits|Unsorted

2007

17

Jul

I am – Jessica Simpson’s Boobs of the Day

5 Comments »

Jessica Simpson

Our token gay blogger, Julien, sent this to me this morning via email, and since I know most of you are virgins, and probably closet homos anyways, I figured I would post this and give you some insight into your little â€œdilemmaâ€?.

As a gay, I know that â€œGaydarâ€? really exists. I can spot a fellow homo walking down the street, riding a bus, showering at the gym, hell, wherever. Iâ€™ve been doing it ever since I knew that I wanted to kiss other guys, which was at the age of 4. Iâ€™ve gotten it down to a science. I know when a guy is a fag before he does. Now, a lot of people, mostly straight men, think that Gaydar is bullshit. Probably because they are afraid that the gays are going to find out that they are actually in the closet. (PS we already know)

Iâ€™ve decided that the straight male equivalent to Gaydar is â€œFake Breastarâ€?. Every straight guy I know claims that they can spot fake breasts from a mile away. They claim itâ€™s in the way they bounce, their shape etc. Now, being a pure-blooded homosexual, my breast experience is very limited. I touch a boob maybe once every 3 years (and against my will of course). Here is Jessica Simpson at an after-party for her bullshit swimwear launch. As I stated before, I
donâ€™t know a tit from a hole in the ground, so Iâ€™m not saying that Jessicaâ€™s boobs are fake.

But I do think they might be gay.

Smooch!

Julian

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I am â€“ Jessica Simpson Goes to the Gym of the Day
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Posted in:Jessica Simpson|Tits|Unsorted

2007

16

Jul

I am – stepLINKS of the Day

9 Comments »

stepLINK July 16/07

I went out to see my friend today, who has a little boy that is maybe a year and half or so. I hate babies to be honest, but this one is getting to be at the age where he talks a bit and stuff so heâ€™s kind of interesting. Heâ€™s not one of those ugly babies either, he lucked out in the gene pool for sure. Thereâ€™s nothing worse then an ugly baby.

I donâ€™t think I want to have kids. To be honest, the thought of a baby growing inside of me makes me sick to my stomache and want to throw up. If I could avoid the whole pregnancy thing and just get one whe he was 3, I probably would. Maybe Iâ€™ll adopt, but I dunno I really just think I;m way to selfish and irresponsible for that shit and the thought of getting some AIDS baby from another country to give it a better life and then not really giving it a better life would make me feel pretty shitty.

I had fun with the kid. We looked at books and talked to each other in baby language. Then he got a weird look on his face and I realized he was taking a crap during our quality time. It really grossed me out.

Big link dump today, no pun intended.

And the award for best photo-shopped pic of all time goes toâ€¦.
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Hilary Duff has high standards.
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Ghost Ridinâ€™ Miss Daisy
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Former playmate arrested for DUI
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Car Trouble?
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The Obvious Boner
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Mylene Klass in a bikini
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Life goes onâ€¦.I guessâ€¦
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Drunk kids + Gun = Accidental Headshot
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Nerd chicks are hott
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Some hott Hawaiian model topless
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