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Archive for the Unsorted Category

2007

13

Jul

I am – Homeless Doorman of the Day

5 Comments »

There’s two kinds of homeless people in this world. Well probably more, but for the sake of the point I’m trying to make we will say there is two. So, there’s two kinds of homeless people in this world. There’s the ones that think they are somehow entitles to some of everything we have, like that squeegee-punk-fuck I threw my orange soda on who kicked the door of that car the other day. Then, there’s ones like this guy. they know their life is shit, yet there they are smiling big to the world around them, even though they never eat, sleep on concrete and probably have fleas.

I was at the bar last night and came upon some old guy drinking straight from his beer pitcher, going on and on about how people are too obsessed with keeping things clean, and that we need germs to help us build immunities, and that when the world goes to shit in like 5o years, its the homeless that are going to come out on top because they will be more immune to shit then the average person.

Then he veered off onto talking about how “he’s no pervert” but when watches the animal channel and sees a male lion fucking a female lion he gets super turned on. Thats when I grabbed my vodka/soda and made my way over to the other side of the bar.

Posted in:stepTV|Unsorted

2007

13

Jul

I am – J Love's Big Boobs and Birthing Hips of the Day

3 Comments »

Jennifer Love Hewitt

I don’t have a TV, but that’s not why I don’t watch Ghost Whisperer. I don’t watch Ghost Whisperer mostly for the same reason i never watched Party of Five: Jennifer Love Hewitt. I hate her acting, I hate her fivehead, and she makes me want to kick her in the face with steel toed boots. She must have bukkake’d it up with half the studio execs in Hollywood to still be working. Whatever credit she gets for growing tits so big they need some sort of pulley-system for support, she loses for the way she wears her hips. Like what are those jeans about–is she aiming to look like a pregnant pear? I envied her body so bad as a kid when i saw “I still know you ran over me last summer and now i will kill you,” but today, not so much. It is as if her mission is to model maternity clothes all the time. If she is knocked up, she won’t need a C section because bitch has birthing hips a tractor would have no problem passing through.

This post was shitty but I don’t care because I am hungover and I want food and all I got is kechcup and prescription drugs lying around. I am also still a little bothered because dude from last night was a perv and my vagina got no play, but that is why god invented batteries.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell

EMAIL ME HERE


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Posted in:Jennifer Love Hewitt|Uncategorized|Unsorted

2007

13

Jul

I am – J Love’s Big Boobs and Birthing Hips of the Day

3 Comments »

Jennifer Love Hewitt

I don’t have a TV, but that’s not why I don’t watch Ghost Whisperer. I don’t watch Ghost Whisperer mostly for the same reason i never watched Party of Five: Jennifer Love Hewitt. I hate her acting, I hate her fivehead, and she makes me want to kick her in the face with steel toed boots. She must have bukkake’d it up with half the studio execs in Hollywood to still be working. Whatever credit she gets for growing tits so big they need some sort of pulley-system for support, she loses for the way she wears her hips. Like what are those jeans about–is she aiming to look like a pregnant pear? I envied her body so bad as a kid when i saw “I still know you ran over me last summer and now i will kill you,” but today, not so much. It is as if her mission is to model maternity clothes all the time. If she is knocked up, she won’t need a C section because bitch has birthing hips a tractor would have no problem passing through.

This post was shitty but I don’t care because I am hungover and I want food and all I got is kechcup and prescription drugs lying around. I am also still a little bothered because dude from last night was a perv and my vagina got no play, but that is why god invented batteries.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell

EMAIL ME HERE


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Posted in:Jennifer Love Hewitt|Uncategorized|Unsorted

2007

13

Jul

I am – Michelle Rodriguez with Boot Condom of the Day

3 Comments »

Image Removed due to Papparazzi

Last night I got wrecked, because that is what i do (something Jesus and I founded our brief relationship upon, that and raw-dogging, because he could still get it up in those days and my wadge was excited to be a free bird now). So I went to the rooftop bar of this very expensive NYC hotel, chic but a step down from the place where Lohan likes to do a coked-out, writhing on the floor with no panties freak-out fest in, but I am an ex-hooker so i will settle for celebries’ sloppy seconds hot spots (i will even settle for a port-a-potty as long as there is booze). I either got 5 guys to buy me two drinks a piece, or 2 guys to buy me 5 drinks–it’s all a haze, so go figure. Point is I haven’t seen a penis-in-the-flesh in a while (a girl needs a break every now and then), so I stumbled back to this fairly decent banker-type’s apartment, knowing it was nicer than my converted store-front shithole, and he looked pretty clean, and not like a serial killer. Most of it is a blur from there, but I remember him whipping out his cock and asking if I would eat a graham cracker if he came on it. I said yes, but only if he did it first. He came on the graham cracker, took a bite of his homegrown butter, then handed it to me. I threw it on the floor, ground it into his plush white carpet with my heel, then ran outa there. All in all, it was a good night for me, a bad night for his carpet.

As for Michelle Rodriguez, she has a hardcore S&M boot condom on. Why? I think her lipstick girlfriend (who could do better) likes Michelle to give her the foot version of fisting, and makes her wear the wrapper because she suspects Mich contracted something during her 3 hour stay in prison (and i don’t mean splinters from being broomstick-banged). It is nice to know she wears the boot condom all the time for whenever the mood strikes, like probably in the bathroom of the starbucks they just came out of.

obediently yours,

Sugar Nell

EMAIL ME

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Posted in:Lesbian|Michelle Rodriguez|Unsorted

2007

13

Jul

I am – Sara Harding is a Club Slut of the Day

2 Comments »

Sara Harding Club Slut

Sara Harding is some Brit Pop star who, according to the tabloids, loves the sauce, and whatever else she can get her hands on in terms of mind altering substances. Check out the mug on the guy shes with. Remember what I was just saying about hot girls dating guys that under normal circumstances they could never, ever get with?

Sara Harding could really be any other girl from America. She gets dressed up to go out to the bar with her friends, being sure her orange tan is at just the right hue, she has enough foundation that her face looks like plastic. Oh, and I forgot dress so short you can almost see her ass cheeks.

Once at the bar, she drinks way more then she can handle, pukes in the bathroom twice and then heads out for more shots. She dances on the dance floor waving her arms in the air, because for some fucking reason drunk girls think they look really, really hot when they do that. Finally she goes home with whatever random dude happens to be left over at the end of the night, in this case, that lucky bloke she’s making out with.

I bet when they woke up the next morning, he probably said I love you, and she had to call her publicist to do damage control and say hes just an old friend or some shit. I’d call her a whore, but at least whores get paid.


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Posted in:Sara Harding|Sluts|Unsorted

2007

13

Jul

I am – Penelope Cruz in a Short Dress of the Day

4 Comments »

Penelope Cruz Short Dress

I’m not sure if this is a dress or a shirt, but in the end it doesn’t really matter to you virgin ass, you know it and I know it. Penelope could be covered in dog crap and cigarette ashes and you would still be all over her ass.

Remember when she dated Tom Cruise? I never understood that. Everyone said she was his “beard� or whatever they call nice ladies that pretend to be in a relationship with homos but I never bought it. She seemed way to smart for that. She was also way to good for him, a lot like the girls I see out at the clubs I go to, hanging out with some Brandon Davis-esque asshole because he has a bottle of Grey Goose vodka.

I knew this girl a bit older then me once who constantly dated loser guys. She was so out of their league it was ridiculous. She explained to me one day with all her guy problems she had in the past, she was like fuck it, and dated guys who would do anything for her because they knew and she knew they would never get to stick their dick in something that looks as good as she did ever again.

So keep that in mind the next time a pretty girl seems like shes being nice to you, you fat loser.


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Posted in:Penelope Cruz|Uncategorized|Unsorted

2007

13

Jul

I am – Lesbo Lohan

3 Comments »

Lindsay Lohan

Well, it looks like all that talk about Lohan being a lesbo is pretty much true. She didn’t just get the look, but somehow added 10 years to it. It’s almost like all that time spent chain smoking, binge drinking, and cum guzzling caught up with her in one fell swoop.

These shots remind me of this chick I used to bang back in college. She was one of those political lesbians who only ever craved meat after too many drinks, and we were drinking buddies. Because she was a lesbo, her pooter was pretty bushy, but the conquest of sticking it in a lesbian feminist made me feel like a big man — and I liked that because I’m lacking in the bulge. She probably only dug me, though, because my small penis didn’t threaten her liberated womanhood.

Anyway, I think she has a PhD now, and I don’t even have my own blog. That makes me feel pretty shitty, so you should send me stories about how size doesn’t really matter to harleyhouston@drunkenstepfather.com because that would make me feel better about myself.


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Posted in:Lindsay Lohan|Unsorted

2007

13

Jul

I am – Eva Mendes Somewhere-Or-Other of the Day

2 Comments »

Eva Mendes

I still don’t remember what Eva Mendes is famous for, not saying she doesn’t deserve it, but I really can’t remember and I am to lazy to google it. At this point, I don’t even care because my computer is fucking up today, I’m behind on all my work and none of the stars seem to be out in bikinis today. Is it cold in LA or something? It’s humid as hell here in my apartment which really isn’t helping my situation at all.

Maybe it’s cause I’m only 18 or maybe just cause I’m a chick but I will almost always choose the cute girl over the super “sexy� chick, hands down. I think cute and pretty is way harder to pull off then sexpot bombshell. Don’t get me wrong, I think there’s a place for both types of women, and I think for men especially (and you guys can correct me if I am wrong) the two actually serve a really purpose.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, it’s easy for most girls to get a glance with implants, a short skirt and stiletto heels, whereas pulling off the cute thing is a little tougher, cause you have to look like you aren’t trying. The difference between the two in the end, is one that you want to fuck the shit out of in a dirty bathroom stall in a grimy bar and the other you want to take home to meet mom. Eva Mendes is the latter.


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Posted in:Eva Mendes|Unsorted

2007

13

Jul

I am – Topless Model Named Decock of the Day

2 Comments »

Decock Topless

Were having some problems uploading the rest of these photos, so here’s one to tide you over and jerk off to until we can sort it out. Obviously her name is Veronique Decock. I am curious as to what her waffle pound’n Belgian mother thought when she felt little Veronique thrashing away in her dirty womb. Did she have some eerie premonition that with a name like “Decock,” her unborn baby was destined for a pricey pair of implants, a move that would rocket her to the ranks of Miss Belgium. Did her cunt mother ponder the consequences of these fake-tits-to-be, like whether they would burst or turn to stone and give her some bizarre disease (besides the STDs a future beauty queen will inevitably rock).

All in all, I would say her doctor deserves some sort of prize and I want his number and a sugardady to finance. She is hot and you all would slam her. So would I if I swung that way.

I have seen a lot of fake tits in my young life–when i was a hooker we always did show and tell with the shy new girl: we’d demand some full frontal, she’d flash them, and sometimes they were beauties, but sometimes they were a pair of 99 cent store stress-balls cut and shoved under her now unaligned nips. That kind of shit is common with my ex-coworkers–backroom doctors with a degree from the University of Belarus, who’ll make ’em bigger for 1 grand and a before and after bang.

I never got implants. My Turkish ex-pimp Zeki kept a lock on the fridge to keep me wafish and small breasted, since my theme was young, “legal” virgin-orphan from like Romania, Germany, or Northern Ireland (my looks are pretty trans-ethnic). My accents always sucked but the customers didn’t give a shit if i sounded Croat or Cockney… for them it was all about what i could do for their cock.

That was my dirty flashback of the day. I need to go take a shower now.

Obediently yours,

Sugar Nell

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Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

2007

13

Jul

I am – Megan Fox is Hot Shit of the Day

6 Comments »

Megan Fox Cosmo Party

I went and saw Transformers for the afternoon show the other day, and was introduced to Megan Fox. I’m not sure where she came from, but she’s my new favourite actress and not because of her acting skills. I can’t really comment on her acting because I’m not a fucking acting coach and I’m and 18 year old girl and pretty much believe anything anyone tells me anyways. She’s doesn’t have implants yet, she’s doesn’t have the body of a skeleton, and she doesn’t have stupid vanilla blonde stripes that look like somebody peed bleach on her hair. She’s my kind of gal. Jesus doesn’t think shes that hott, but he’s a fatass who is way to critical of other people. I still love him tho.

I forgot to set my alarm last night didn’t wake up until 9 (I wanted to get up at 8). I’ve been seeing this guy on and off and we got into a huge argument because he thinks I’m a nice girl, but I have a heart that’s made of ice and I don’t really deny that because all my life I’ve had people and guys walk the fuck all over me while I just stood there and took it and now I’m at the point where the only person in the world I rely on is myself, and maybe Jesus if I need advice on how to hot wire a car.

I know of the 7 people reading this right now, 1 is a women, 2 are loser virgins who live at home with their mom. The other 4 fall into 2 catagories, the first being guys who don’t give a fuck about anybody but themselves, and will pretty much feel that way until they realize they are gonna die old and alone. The last category , the one where the guy I’m talking about sits, is good looking guys with money who believe in love in romance and want you to give your heart to them or some bullshit, and when you don’t treat you like shit because of it. Dating sucks and I hate you all.

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Posted in:Megan Fox|Uncategorized|Unsorted