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Jessel Pena is the Instagram Of The Day

Heather Graham’s Old Flat Ass in a Bikini of the Day

Em Rata Gets Called Out for Being a Titty Whore of the Day

Brie Larson in the Great Outdoors of the Day

Sloppy Katy Perry is Rehearsing her Awkward Dances of the Day

2008

Aug

Adrian Grenier and His 3-Girl Rebound of the Day

3 Comments »

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In case you didn’t know, Adrian Grenier’s girlfriend was in the car with Shai LeBeef when he had his drunk driving accident, leading the world to believe she’s fuckin’ that little troll’s useless cock, while probably being a huge blow to Adrian Grenier’s ego, because let’s face it, whenever a girl I bang goes with someone fuckin’ lame after being with me, I take personal offense and even think for a minute that maybe I am delusional and maybe this fucker is a step up from me and that I just think he’s a loser because I am jealous that she’s fucking someone who isn’t me, but probably not because I don’t believe in jealousy and what I find lame is not what girls find lame, so in the end it all makes sense and I end up marrying the first fat lonely chick who comes along, because I figure I am older and I don’t want to be alone and that she’s going to always be there for me through thick and thin because she’s older and doesn’t want to be alone either, even though she’s not anything I ever wanted to marry and is probably something I wouldn’t even notice walking down the street, but she’s mine, I’ve settled and this post is depressing me, let me switch it up….

So Adrian Grenier has dumped the LeBeef girl, and was spotted paddle surfing, the gayest sport out there with 3 chicks in their bikinis, and last time I checked, 3 girls on your dick is better than one, so while his ex is out with some Hollywood loser, Grenier’s showin’ her than shit don’t matter and he’s going to make the best of this freedom, you cheating, lying, useless piece of ass who is just trying to advance your own career and it will all backfire, because there’s a lot hotter more talented pussy out there than you.

Posted in:Adrian Grenier|Bikini|Sluts|Uncategorized

2008

Aug

Eva Longoria Has a Nipple of the Day

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Sure Eva Longoria looks like a fuckin’ rat, but she’s Mexican and seeing Mexican girls slut themselves out really makes me feel like they are taking away all the work I have done to give Mexicans a good name in the world. It’s like when Feminists talk about girls like Lohan and Paris Hilton taking away from all the hard work women have done in the world to get equal pay, respect and the right to vote, while these sluts go around discounting their work by being counter-productive as they show the world their pussies and fuck random men to get ahead and have a good time, while teaching young girls that it’s right to let me eat you out, but making feminsts mad that they’re doing it, except I think Lohan and Hilton are doing good and I think Eva Longoria in her see through shirt is just embarrassing and reminds me of my cousins, mothers and neighbors who worked hard to get her the right to be an American and who probably even helped her parents jump the border, giving her the opportunity to be who she is and she just takes away everything they have done by not wearing a bra for a little attention like a little common fuckin’ whore.

Speaking Lohan, at least I was at the beginning of this post, I got word of the hotel Sam Ronson was staying at and decided it would be funny to leave a sex toy for her to use at the front desk. I don’t know if she was actually staying there, but I wrapped up this free toy a company sent me that was shaped like a hand, something I thought wouldn’t offend her since it wasn’t penis shaped and I wrote a note that read

Samantha,

I heard you were in town and figured that you are probably lonely this and let’s hope this will come in “handy”, get it, since it’s shaped like a hand about to diddle…anyway, I’m more of a one-finger kind of guy, this two finger number will do you wonders. Don’t worry it has never been used, unless my wife snuck in and used it when I wasn’t lookin, in that case you may notice some green shit that should wash off easy and a smell of horse piss and death that will probably take a few hours soaking in bleach to get rid of, but in any case I’ll be broken up if you don’t use this on Lohan.

With Love,

Jesus Martinez
Drunkenstefather.com

Here’s Eva Longoria, her rat face and her little nipple cheapening the Mexican race a little more everyday.

Posted in:Eva Longoria|Nipple

2008

Aug

Marla Maples Is Trying to Get a Work Out Show of the Day

4 Comments »

Marla Maples called up the paparazzi again because she had a “workout” scheduled on the beach again and she wanted the word to get out there that she’s fit and hard bodied and 40. I can only assume she likes the ego boost she gets when magazines feature her as the hot over 40 beach body or she’s trying to get some initial buzz for a workout or diet book she’s working on, or maybe even a workout or fitness show she’s trying to sell because she needs something to do as spending Donald Trump’s money is getting old and tired for her.

Speaking of fitness, a friend of mine decided to call me up last week and tell me that people who jog an hour a day live longer than people who don’t jog. They just found this out in some controlled research, which I thought was funny, considering it’s such a fuckin’ obvious discovery, they’d be better off spending that money on something like curing aids or some shit, and dude wanted to inspire me to exercise because he’s the kind of guy who quit drinking and partying and found yoga, meditation, weightlifting and jogging as his new high and has lost weight, got his blood pressure own, has seen it affect his everyday life by giving him self-worth and self esteem, structure, energy to get things done and since quitting his old life has turned things around to getting a job, buying a condo, finding a hot younger girlfriend and is now living the yuppie life of going to the market to buy organic greens and natural supplements, going on vacation to places like Costa Rica where he goes on long distance runs in the jungle and white water rafting has quit eating meat and dairy and thinks he is going to live to a hundred, and he wants me to get up on his program to really turn my life around. Well, I got a call yesterday and it was his girlfriend, he got hit by a car a couple days ago and they don’t know if he’s going to make it and if he does, they don’t know if he’s going to ever walk again, so I guess fitness also kills and he shoulda just stuck to living in the gutter with me, cuz if he did, none of this woulda ever happened.

Posted in:Marla Maples|Show|Work Out

2008

Aug

Lara Croft and Her Vagina Close Up of the Day

11 Comments »

This is the new Lara Croft from what I assume is Resident Evil, but I am too lazy to look shit up because I don’t really care, I don’t play videogames and I don’t watch shitty action movies because I find them offensive, but I do remember living with a dude who did like videogames about 10 years ago and he would play the Lara Croft game all fuckin’ day and dude would always call me in to show me the “crawling” position and talk about how hot her ass was and I knew that he got hard for that graphic and realized that there are some desperate and weird peole out there, then I started the site and through emails and comments realized that there were more people like my friend out there, the kind who spend their days playing video games, and nights jerking off and fantasizing about videogame characters, wishing they would crawl out of their computer or TV screen and into their beds, so I feel it’s my job to post these close-up shots of the new Lara Croft’s vagina, because not only do I like vagina, but I like helpin out virgin losers who need guidance and if that’s not you, because you are just in denial, then these are for my old buddy who I lost touch but who probably hasn’t lost touching himeself to the idea of a cartoon-like videogame slut with big ol’ tits and a gun.

Posted in:Lara Croft|Vagina

2008

Aug

Helena Christensen Rocks a Bikini of the Day

4 Comments »

Here’s another old hot model I want to fuck who is set for life and spending the day in her bikini and you should be jealous of her because she has the money to do all the things you wish you could do because of all the money she made because she was born hot and someone figured they could make money off her. The truth is that I have spoke to local models, who aren’t really anything special, but think they are and they have dreams of international modeling stardom and always talk about how hard their work is and how much talent shit takes and it’s all fucking bullshit.

I was featured in Maxim and Complex magazine, I’m not bragging, cuz it’s not a big deal, but I am just saying, that the photoshoots consisted of sitting on your ass on a couch next to a table of catered breakfast food, drinks and coffee that is better than anything I get here, until the motherfucker was ready to take your picture, in a room with 4 set designers, 1 art director, 1 photographer and 1 photograher’s assistant, where you sit on your ass in the set they have set u and he takes your picture for about an hour, joke around between shots and then the caterer brings in lunch that is bettert than anything I can afford here and everyone takes an hour break and sits around talking about bullshit, until dude takes more pictures or you and wrapping things up mid afternoon, ending the day of work that was more like sitting at home all day with pretentious art fags with camera equiment. I figured real models do pretty much the same thing only on a bigger scale and if they do shit is a fuckin’ joke, doesn’t take talent and pays too fucking much, proven with these pictures of Helena Christensen in her bikini.

Posted in:Bikini|Helena Christensen|Hot

2008

Aug

Naomi Campbell on a Yacht in a Bikini of the Day

3 Comments »

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I love that these retired supermodels have nothing better to do with their time than sit on yachts in their bikinis a week every month. It’s like Cindy Crawford, Kate Moss and a few other models just don’t know what to do with themselves now that work consists of not working because they are not young anymore and if they do get work, it is just some cameo shit so that people remember them all while their bank accounts are already full and they are set for life. It must be a pretty horrible feeling knowing that all that’s left for you is death, kinda like the retired people I know who try to get jobs as the Wal Mart greeter just to give themselves something to do, because when they end up doing nothing all day, they find themselves getting older, lazier and dead.

Either way, I am slow moving today, because like a supermodel, I don’t actually like doing anything during the day but sitting, I like to think I am always on vacation and here are some pictures of Naomi Campbell getting a tan on a yacht which is a good thing because I saw some pics of her a couple weeks ago and I was getting nervou because girl looked like a ghost and was like get this pasty white bitch out of here get her some fuckin’ sun and bring me back the Naomi Campbell I know. I guess it’s hard finding the time to maintain the darkest pigment skin in the world.

Posted in:Naomi Campbell|Yacht

2008

Aug

91 Year Old Ernest Borgnine’s Secret to Staying Young…of the Day

7 Comments »

I don’t know who Ernest Borgnine is, but I do know that he is 91 and when asked his secret to staying young, he said he masturbates alot and I automatically thought about you because you masturbate a lot.

Now you now have Ernest Borgnine’s support to justify what you currently do all the time, and that your feel shame in chronically doing because your dead relatives are watching you and because you find yourself having a hard time integrating into real life and getting things done, like a job, girlfriend, social life all because it’s all you want to do, all the time.

I figured it was some good words of wisdom to start your day, because I know that I am feeling old, I am tired all the time, I can’t keep up with the young girls I hang out with and I feel aches and pains in places I didn’t know exist. I may not be 91 in age, but I am probably 91 in health and I would write more but I am going to do what Ernest Borgnine says I should do, I’ll be back in 4 hours, wearing some pantyhose, bleeding and crying, all while thinking of Ernest but feeling like I was 15 again, except for the erection and ability to cum part.

The truth is that the idea of a 91 year old jerking off is fucking offensive, not that the idea of a normal young dude jerking off isn’t, but at least they aren’t doing it to pictures of their dead wive’s in their bathing suit for a family vacation back in the ’40s, just the idea of this dude cumming all over his belly, is like some kind of science experiment gone wrong, leading me to believe that all of your fathers and grandfathers probably jerk off too, and that should change the way you look at them from now on….hopefully not in a good way….pervert.

Posted in:Ernest Borgnine|Masturbates|Uncategorized

2008

Aug

stepLINKS of the Day

4 Comments »

I just found out that Sam Ronson was in Montreal for some opening event for H+M and she didn’t reach out to hang out or take me out for drinks with all her celebrity DJ money. Sure, I’ve never met her, she doesn’t know I exist but that’s the kind of cunt behavior that hurts my feelings, not that I have feelings, but if I did, they’d be hurt.

To think I’ve been taking estrogen to work my way into their hearts by sneaking into joining the lesbian love affair and making it a lesbian love triangle as the lesbian with chest hair, which is the lesbian every lesbian relationship needs and I’ve been planning this for the last 6 months because I thought it would be good for business, only to be neglected as my penis and balls slowly shriveled up with my dignity and genius plan, it makes me feel like I really wasted energy on these jerks and that what I think is genius, really isn’t, but it’s not all a loss because now I have my own hot tits to play with, I should post pics and do live cam shows to finally make some fuckin’ money on this internt shit….but I won’t.

Instead of hanging with the girl who uses Lohan’s vagina as a chew toy, drinking heavily and slow dancing like we were at prom and she was my date, before paying homeless dudes crack money to do stunts like they were in Beijing, I compiled these links and used the word compile to describe what I did tonight, making me slowly turn less and less cool the more I sit at home working on this stupid site and by working on the site I mean watching amateur porn and smoking cigars while messaging girls on facebook for nudes.

With Love….

The Hottest Fucking Video From the Olympics….
GO

Mariah Carey is still a Crazy, Demanding, Slut
GO

Paris Hilton Walks Around in a See Through Dress
GO

Jessica Simson is so Country in Her Short Shorts…
GO

Trampoline Mishap
GO

The 10 Greatest Female Streakers in Sports History….
GO

Burger King Bathtime
GO

50 sexiest beach babes
GO

Here’s a Hot Pic of the Slut Who Jamie Lynn Spears’ Teenage Baby Daddy Was Cheating On Her With…
GO

Which College Movie Slut Would You Rather Fuck
GO

Hollywood is Really on a Set Mission to Ruin Everything that Once Ruleds
GO

Here’s a Good Job For the Ladies Lookin’ To Make Some Extra Money…
GO

Tyra Banks Shows Off Her Nappy Hair
GO

RIP MOTHERFUCKER – The World’s Tallest Transexual – Sandy Allen….
GO

And That’s Why You Don’t Masterbate at work
**This is Amazing**
GO

Sphia and Eve Get to Know Each Other
GO

Okay, I Hate Sharon Stone As Much As the Next Person, But This is a Bit Much
GO

Dita Von Tease is Not Hot, You Shitheads. She Dresses Like a Fucking Grandmother
GO

Aubrey O’Day is Slowing Morphing Into Shauna Sand
GO

Madonna is Buying Another Baby
GO

Locksmith Prank Call
GO

Chickens Are Better Than You And Me
GO

Find Girls to Fuck, Because Finding Waldo Must Be Pretty Fucking Boring By Now
GO

I Wanna Punch P-Diddy/Diddy/Daddy/Puff Daddy/Sean Combs/ or Whatever The Fuck He Is Calling Himself These Days In The Face
GO

Office Bathroom Prank
GO

Andi Valentino Gallery
GO

Weightless Lesbians!
GO

Here’s a Monkey Ice Skating
GO

Striptease of the Day
GO

Saphia Has Some Alone Time
GO

Cassie is a Slimmer, Hotter, Less Tranny Look Version of Kimora Lee
GO

Nella is Tasty for a Used Up Whore….
GO

Foreign Street Fight
GO

Oprah Drunk Dial
GO

Some Vintage Richard Pryor from Sesame Street, Motherfucker
GO

ROGUE COLLECTOR’S PHOTOBUCKET FINDS

Some Chick Naked and Masturbating on Photobucket Because it is a Porn Site in Disguise
GO

Some Big Black Cunt
GO

Porno Gets Me Through Depression….
GO

Girls Who Get It Done Right
GO

Use This To Get Sex..Because Sex is Better Than Comics
GO

Posted in:stepLINKS

2008

Aug

Khloe Kardashian is a Monster Coming To Eat Your Babies of the Day

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Khloe Kardashian is a monster and she is coming to Eat Your Babies….I don’t know what went wrong in this thing’s genetic code, maybe she was born next to powerlines or someshit, but I do know that she’s not human and despite not being human, there are guys horny enough to climb u her giant thigh to get into her monster vagina and that’s something scarier than waking up to her next to you in your bed after a hard night of hard drinking….

Posted in:Khloe Kardashian|Monster

2008

Aug

Heidi Montag Has Retarded Fans at This Make a Wish Foundation Day at Kitson of the Day

7 Comments »

I don’t like Heidi Montag because I don’t think she’s hot and I am superficial and have standards when I am hiding behind my computer screen, but none when it comes to getting girls in bars to show me their tits. I find her annoying as fuck as she is always in her bullshit character, living a bullshit lie of a life that MTV puppetmasters have designed for her to maintain ratings and she’s just milking it for all she can, and I get that, because otherwise her future would involve a whole lot of workin’ the stripper pole back in Colorado, or living her rich kid life working for her dad’s company and driving his Porsche, not that I know that they are rich or not, but I am assuming she had a serious contact to make this miracle happen.

Either way, I don’t hate her sister though, her name is Holly and I think she’s the one in these pictures with her. She’s my Facebook friend and she started out ignoring me until I posted all her personal pictures and she reached out the threaten me with a lawsuit if I didn’t take them down. From there we established a solid Facebook friendshi and we send each other random messages a couple of times a month and I try to get her to talk dirty to me and send me nudes and she just tells me real basic shit and cockteases me with promises of going on drinking benders at MTV Video Music Awards and shit like that together and since I missed out on the whole drunken, messy, college girl gangbang Spring Break experience because college is for lesbians and peole too scared to grow up and gt a job and I went straight into addicts and street whores and girls missing teeth, I feel like she’s going to open my life up to great things. The only problem is that I don’t meet people off the internet because I am scared they are going to kidnap and rape me, and despite me being seen as the internet predator, I am actually a fuckin’ paranoid motherfucker who doesn’t trust anyone, even if getting raped and killed would be the most action I’ve had in years, it’s not really something I am going to entertain.

The truth is, the Holly I am talking to could be a 12 year old Filipino faking the shit, but I still like to believe that we are connected at the soul via facebook. If you want more Holly, you’ll have to watch the show because she’s going to be on it and I don’t really think any girl is worth that kind of abuse to yourself because The Hills are the Devils work, and the proof is all these Make a Wish foundation kids treating Heidi like some kind of celebrity, something we all know she isn’t, but it doesn’t matter what we think, it’s what the rest of the world thinks that matters and that scares me.

Posted in:Heidi Montag|Retards