I really screwed up, as I tend to do. I’ve been planning this sobriety fitness kick so that I can move to LA and become famous and fit in with the skinny people who eat egg whites and feel like their being so bad and going off their diet by asking for a touch of cheese on the shit or by drinking a light low carb beer, but realize that even if I moved to LA, I wouldn’t be able to afford to live, I wouldn’t be able to get work, and I wouldn’t be sleeping with Lindsay Lohan because she’s into pussy now, so I take that failure to drinking, something I like to think I am really good at, but the problem with being good at it is that I don’t remember anything because of it. Being good at drinking is really only about having a strong stomach that doesn’t get sick and let’s you go all night, something both myself and the people I met probably wish didn’t happen this weekend, but I like to consider it success because it’s the only thing I can do right.

I have flashbacks of fighting with an Italian girl who got me kicked out of a bar, of hanging out in a hotel room and getting busted by security who take their lives too seriously as if a fucking noise complaint is a fucking murder suicide scene, of meeting a Lawyer who I stuck by because I felt safe despite him being drunker and more abrasive than me and who I made write Lawyers letters on napkins in the club that demanded the girls at the table cease and desist wearing panties, but they didn’t fall for it. You’d think they’d take a man in a suit seriously, even if that suit was covered in vomit.

Either way, here are my links…there’s a lot cuz I was too lazy and hungover to post today.

Posted in:stepLINKS

I got free tickets to see Judd Apatow doing a stand up show for the Montreal Just For Laughs festival. It was the only show I went to because I try to keep stand up comedy to the bare fucking minimum. For the most part I don’t laugh and if I do, it’s usually to how bad the dude is and when I do, I’m always the only one laughing because it’s inbetween his jokes, but I figured since the exit strategy for this site is to make movies so that I can live the life of luxury and own a pool that I can float in a drink cocktails in, while hookers walk around me naked and don’t point at laugh at how my bikini bottoms make me look like a lady, so I thought seeing the new biggest thing in in comedy movies in live action would inspire, but it didn’t. I guess if I was a real hustler, I’d give him my card, or if I was a real hustler, I’d have cards, but I just assume dude already knows the site, because I’m just that important in Hollywood, so important that I took a piss next to the dumpster of a ghetto restaurant last night and shit smelled like home to me….

Either way, dude may be good at writing, or hiring writers to make mainstream comedy, but he fucking sucks on stage. He made a whole lot of dick, fart and jerking off jokes that weren’t funny, but in all fairness to Apatow, he is a Jew and that’s just what Jews and 15 year old boys find funny. He went on to talk about his 10 year olds breasts, his 5 year old making her pussy talk while asking to meet his dick, and that just made wasn’t funny to me because my wife makes her pussy talk everytime she’s horny and everytime I think about that shit I feel like less of a man. Not to mention, 5 year old genitals meeting their father’s genitals is not something I find funny, if anything it makes me want to call Child Protection to investigate the Apatow home. The only time it’s okay to make reference to a kids genitals, is when it’s an adjective to describe how tight a girl you just fucked is to your friends, or to describe how well endowed I am not.

Then he introduced the socially awkward asian girl from Knocked Up and she was still socially awkward and not funny, but had an guitar sang stupid autistic songs that people liked, but just made me remember laughing at this retarded kid who went to my school. I bullied him for about a year because he was the only person less popular that me because walked with a limp and looked like a science experiment and couldn’t formulate a sentence and I just assumed he didn’t know what was going on and even if he did he couldn’t tell on me, until one day I realized that he was just bangng his head against the wall and drooling all over the lunch table as a cry for attention and I wasn’t going to feed into his little retard scheme.

Then a dude in his briefs came out with an Asian who played the doctor in Knocked Up and started some stupid rap shit that I knew was going to suck because the second anyone gets on stage in briefs you know they are trying to get a cheap laugh and distract you from the serious lack of substance.

Then Seth Rogan came on and started talking about farting and jerking off, probably something he came up with while working with Apatow on all his movies that made them rich. I can only assume their research for a script takes place at a slumber party of 15 year old boys, or Jew summer camp, because that’s pretty much the level comedy the were droppin’. Leading me to believe that Hollywood is about nepotism and who you know, and what seems like well put together talent and well structured comedy is all a fuckin’ scam and the people behind the shit are the con artists who trick us into thinking they are good, with their fancy cars and because we see them on scrreen. There was no talent in the fucking room, just a bunch of assholes on stage for a bunch of bigger assholes who thought the assholes on stage were important.

Luckily this British dude from Saving Sarah Silverman saved Judd Apatow’s comedy show with some obscure grammatically correct intelligent jokes about the Queen, homeless men being scabby good luck charms because you give them money for karma points and sex. British people always pull through with their jokes and my advice to Apatow is to use that guy as much as he fucking can, because maybe he’ll help save a career that should soon be ending if this was a glimpse into what’s to come.

The highlight of the night was almost when a couple of fat girls were getting their pictures taken with Seth in the back of the venue and I yelled out to him to touch tongues with them and he kinda just shuddered in disgust, but then I found the festival wrap party that I somehow managed to walk into, I’m guessing they thought anyone who looked like me had to be a comedian, because I look that much like a joke, and shit was open bar. I kept drinking until about 5 am, double fisting the entire time, talking shit to random people, pissing people off and making a black friend with a camera for about a minute before my hot 18 year old chaperone told me it was time to go.

I am hungover, my review didn’t give how bad it was justice, I feel like I’d hate on it more passionately if I wasn’t shaking in withdrawal.

Here are my links….

Posted in:stepLINKS