My good internet friend Neil sent these into me about 3 days ago along with 100s of other pictures that I haven’t got on the site yet because unlike you, he likes to help the stepfather cause and contributes his findings. I don’t know the backstory to why Lohan is doing what she is doing, but I do know that bitch is over-rated and that she’s a cum stain on the entertainment industry and she needs to be disposed of like all good cum stains, internally. Which reminds me of a cum stain story. A drinking buddy of used to be the deisgner at Parasuco Jeans, a Canadian company that may or may not be international since I haven’t left this city in about 6 years. Either way, dude was asked by his boss to make some kind of bandana for Wyclef back in the early 00’s and for some reason he forgets. The night before has to ship something out, he’s at home and realizes that he forgot to make the fucking bandana. So he goes through his scaps of fabrics that are lying around his house and the best piece is one he’s been using as a cum rag for the last month. He throws it in the wash, and sews it the way he has to, brings it to work throws on a Parasuco tag, shows his boss, who approves it and sends it to Wyclef. A few weeks later, my friend’s sitting at home watching some clips of a Wyclef concert on MTV equivalent and sees his cum rag on motherfucking Wyclef’s head. That’s got nothing to do with Lohan’s face covered in mud, but I predict after her whole career thing falls through she will end up with shit all over her face, but it won’t be mud. If you know what I mean. If you don’t, I mean she’ll be doing facials in back alley porno movies. I thought I made that reference clear enough, but I always forget you assholes are retarded.

PS- Some of these pics used to be on her “Myspace” profile that is supposed to be real but messages me back so I doubt it is….

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While I was watching Oprah talk about breakfast with Mary J. Blige, I had cybersex with an Indian chick from Singapore who is a virgin and who annoys me every fucking day about how I have to make her famous. I suck at cybersex but this is how the conversation went:

Singapore Sling
i want you to cum inside my mouth and inside me

for the first time
i dont wonna use a condom
i wonna know whats it like raw

Jesus Martinez – DrunkenStepfather
what if i was having a herpes outbreak are you willing to get herpes for my cock

Singapore Sling
yes
we’re in love
love conqueros everything
i want to have sex with you on the kitchen table
everywhere in the house

Jesus Martinez – DrunkenStepfather
would you let me fuck you in the basement next to the old boxes
i love the smell of old boxes
it reminds me of when my foster dad chained me to the furnace

Singapore Sling
Yes, i love new experiences

Jesus Martinez – DrunkenStepfather
so would you let stick things inside you

Singapore Sling
what do you wonna stick it besides your gun

Jesus Martinez – DrunkenStepfather
random things lying around the house, like a flashlight, or an broom handle, or a rolled up newspaper
it’d be so fucking hot

Singapore Sling
if its out of love
why not

If that wasn’t shitty enough for you, than look at the real Lohan Pussy Pic.

It was obviously a fake and that was the reason I didn’t post it last night, we all know that Lohan’s meat hangs a little lower and a little thicker than that coinslot she tried passing off as her box. Speaking of box here are today’s links which have nothing to do with box at all, but they definitely do suck:

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So motherfuckers take a boring story and try to make it look hip by adding a rock soundtrack and name dropping Sofia Copola’s name, someone who hipsters fucking love beacause they think they are supposed to love her in order to be hip. They also use the neon pink font that they got from 35% of hipster t-shirts and 90% of hipster magazines, resonate with their little hipster brains just how fucking hip this movie is going to be. Like using Chinese symbols to communicate with a China-man. The main message of all this hogwash is to to show us how crazy this cunt Antoinette is and that all you fucking hipsters need to ackowledge this cunt Antoinette as the first ever hipster…ever. This is proven by her partying and rebelious ways, her wild outfits and her “outrageous” behavior. Let’s face it, Hipsters live for the fucking party and hipsters like to rebel against their family by dressing like clowns and ripping lines of cocaine in club bathrooms and on leather couches in artist loft spaces, funded by the trust funds daddy set up 10 years earler.

The biggest mistake in making this movie other than making this movie and marketing it to the “cool” kids was casting Kirsten Dunst. No one will ever buy into this bitch as queen of anything but maybe a dollar store, an eating disorder, a prescription pill addiction and a likely, but not confirmed STD. Just look at her sluttin out and pickin her slut nose. Slut.

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It’s the Toronto International Film Fest this weekend in Toronto Canada. I emailed them asking for Press Access, but unlike Perez Hilton, I don’t get approved. I figured I could get some solid fucking content on this bitch of a site and bring it down into the gutter with me, because being an asshole to people is pretty much my talent and I need to come to terms with that instead of feeling guilty about it.

Dear Jesus,

Unfortunately, accreditation is now closed for this year’s Festival. If you are interested in obtaining photos of TIFF 2006, please access our image distribution partner’s website at www.image.net. Thanks,

David Carey

Media Accreditation, Press Office,
Toronto International Film Festival

Phone: (416) 934 – 3200
email: media@tiffg.ca

2 Bloor St W, Unit C-12
Toronto, ON, Canada

TRANSFORMING THE WAY PEOPLE SEE THE WORLD

My question for you, and I know this is a huge fucking stretch, because let’s face it, no one important reads this site, is to get me into this festival. I can sleep on stepSTEVE’s couch, I just need access to the events.

Love

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

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I have always loved Pete Doherty but not in a gay, I want to fuck him up the ass and give him a reach around while pulling on his hair kind of way. That is mainly because of his intravenous drug use and it’s direct corelation with AIDS, my heterosexuality and of course my impotence. However, I have a total crush on dude’s girlfriend and would be tempted to get that penis inflatable implant they used to use for ED and fuck the dude provided it meant I got to get with Kate Moss too. It’s not gay, it’s about winning and I always keep my eye on the motherfucking prize and do what it takes to win. That said, I was at a BBQ last week and the dudes I were with were talking about picking up girls in clubs and how if the hottest girl in the club asked them to make out in exchange for her cunt, they would do it. All I said was American Pic 3 motherfuckers. Nothing in life is all that original, it’s all been done.

Pete Doherty is so rock and roll that motherfucker plays soccer with a cigarette in mouth, then cries.

Pete Doherty is So Rock and Roll that He Leaves Court on Labor Day Like a Pirate

Pete Doherty Is So Rock And Roll He Gets Evicted GO

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I realize that this site isn’t growing. That people aren’t commenting. That I can’t get to 10,000 friends on Myspace when I was aiming or 1,000,000. That traffic hasn’t grown. That I am not making money so I am seriously planning on dropping the project like Jack Osborne dropped the nut into Kimmy Stewart back when she had implants because it has become BORING for me.

I am not going to lie, I go to sites like DListed and dude gets 100 comments per post. I get 4. I have been doing this a year longer than him. I hate being the whimpering asshole, and I really wouldn’t have much else to do with my time, however I’d rather do nothing with my time and get nothing in return for it than run around the internet 12 hours a day struggling to write funny posts and get nothing in return for it. It’s called beating a dead horse with your dick.

That said, Stepfather is officially for sale, I am going to be applying for a real job. Tell your friends.

Love Jesus

Bonus: The Disaster on Jack’s Back is Like the Disaster That This Site Is

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I was a victim of the Jessica Simpson media frenzy during Dukes of Hazard, where bitch was parading around in her bikini. I am not going to lie, her big titties and flas stomach hypnotized me into thinking the bitch was hot. Since bitch has got her divorce, she disgusts me. It all happened around the time of the divorce. I think a young married woman who has been with one dude and is off limits to all other dudes is kinda sexy. But once a divorcee you know there’s really no going back. You know she’s got baggage coming out of her fucking ass and that she sits in her hotel room and cries and if she’s not crying she’s eating and if she’s not eating she’s fucking random men who wanted a piece when she was married but couldn’t get any because she’s a good little bible thumping, jesus fucking, cunt. That said, she’s carrying herself like she’s got the weight of the world on her shoulders and she doesn’t seem to have any problem with it, cuz bitch is so muscular and built like a dude that she could take another plate. That was a gym reference for those of you who are fat and lazy like me. Now fuck off, I am going to go finger my ass while thinking about arm wrestling this slag. Cuddles Motherfucker.

Bonus: Some Pics of Bitch Rockin’ Out

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I was a victim of the Jessica Simpson media frenzy during Dukes of Hazard, where bitch was parading around in her bikini. I am not going to lie, her big titties and flas stomach hypnotized me into thinking the bitch was hot. Since bitch has got her divorce, she disgusts me. It all happened around the time of the divorce. I think a young married woman who has been with one dude and is off limits to all other dudes is kinda sexy. But once a divorcee you know there’s really no going back. You know she’s got baggage coming out of her fucking ass and that she sits in her hotel room and cries and if she’s not crying she’s eating and if she’s not eating she’s fucking random men who wanted a piece when she was married but couldn’t get any because she’s a good little bible thumping, jesus fucking, cunt. That said, she’s carrying herself like she’s got the weight of the world on her shoulders and she doesn’t seem to have any problem with it, cuz bitch is so muscular and built like a dude that she could take another plate. That was a gym reference for those of you who are fat and lazy like me. Now fuck off, I am going to go finger my ass while thinking about arm wrestling this slag. Cuddles Motherfucker.

Bonus: Some Pics of Bitch Rockin’ Out

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