So Melanie Brown rocks a bag of shit better than I do. I mean that shit disgusts me and is the reason I don’t have a dog. I just can’t handle touching another living things feces no matter how loyal of a friend I think it is. I have dog sat for people before, which is surprising considering I wouldn’t trust me taking care of much, let alone my little buddy, but they obviously had no alternative and everytime I remembered to walk that dog, I’d never pick up his shit, I actually felt awkward watching it shit as it looked back at me as to say “what the fuck are you watching me shit for you sick fuck” and I’d leave it behind on the sidewalk. When I didn’t remember to walk the dog and It shit in the house, I’d just spray it with Fabreeze and wait for it to dry up so I could borrow my neighbors vaccuum to clean it up a few months later. I figure that the smell of floral dog shit is better than the smell of my bed sheets thanks to my wife, so it all worked out in the end.

I always laugh when I see a person pick up their dog’s shit, I always gag when I see the shit in the bag and the fact that Mel B is carrying her dog shit disgusts me. Can’t she afford a hired slave to do this shit for her, is she trying to prove that she’s still that bright eyed whore from a modest home in the UK that she always was, only a little older, a with more shit in her hand. So this one’s for you dog scat porn lovers.

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I am in my weird friends cabin in the woods. I haven’t seen him in a few years because he lives up here all year round and it’s impossible for me to put myself through the kind of abuse being alone in a field does to my mental stability. Every sound in outside I expect to be some crazed murderer or my friend who has been away from people for so long, looming over my cot with an axe only to be never found or reported missing because my remains were fed to the raccoons or some shit.

He does have an internet connection, because when you’re alone in the woods, you clearly need shit to jerk off to and you need a way to stay connected to other people, otherwise you go crazy, like he did when he first moved up here from the city after he went on some hippie kick and found the land we’re standing on for cheap and convenient for his whole being at one with nature bull shit that involved being alone with a drum and a lot of weed where he’d build rock gardens and ponds, and cut trees down all while talking to himself. I remember coming up here when he was first building the cabin and having him look at me with some psycho bright eyes asking if I want to go cut down trees with him, there was really nothing else to do so I went along, drink in hand and dude took out an axe and pointed to one of the trees he called Charlie and gave me an elaborate story about why Charlie has to die, and how Charlie slept with his wife, and went at the tree like a madman screaming out “DIE CHARLIE YOU COCKSUCKER”. It was a weird experience that may not come across as funny, but whatever, that’s where I am, smoking a cigar with the chipmunks, lookin over a lake, all without photoshop, so while I try to figure things out, here’s some pregnancy videos to carry you through the next few hours….

There will be posts, there will be stepLINKS, I got nothing better to do and I’ve had enough of this cocksucker, so get ready for the best damn labor day of your life, while all the other people in North America are out on the beach, fucking sluts and partying with friends, you are on the fuckin’ computer. Loser.

To celebrate that new beginning that is not being allowed to wear white, here are some random shitty pregnancy videos for you, of bitches in labor or on their way to labor. Just because it’s not a fetish to me, doesn’t mean it’s not a fetish for you….

BONUS – THIS ONE IS FUCKING SICK….
GO

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I find it funny watching Hilary Duff do her best to hide from the paparazzi and uses her drink to cover as much of her face as she can. It reminds me of the time my wife tried to hide on me one night when I had too much to drink and was in the mood to take my rage out on her. She ran into the kitchen and hid behind the fridge, only she didn’t really think it through because her ass was stickin’ out because she is fat and because our apartment is pretty fuckin’ small and there’s really little options when it comes to hiding. So she ended up running outside as fast as her legs could support the weight of her and hid behind a mailbox, not realizing she was fatter than the mailbox and I could pretty much see half of her. It was one of those lap dogs barking insanely because it thinks it’s a big dog situation and not just because my wife is a dog. By the time I got to her I was laughing too hard to really bother scaring her some more, and we went back upstairs, her out of breath, me happy I got a good laugh, holdin hands and that’s probably one of the more romantic moments we’ve shared.

Either way, here’s Hilary Duff trying to fool us.

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I posted these pictures of Shawn Johnson in a Bikini the other day and I didn’t do it because I thought she was hot. I did it because you are a proud nation and she’s your golden girl and despite lookin’ like Hayden Panettiere on steroids, you still can jerk off to her because of pride. She was going to Letterman the other day and was wearing some Athletic gear, because I assume she doesn’t know anything other than her life of training hard or how non-athletes dress, but I think it’s safe to say her jacked arms would have been enough of a sign to not challenge her to the parallel bars. Sometimes I wish I could leave the house in my work uniform, but I figure a naked fat guy with a pair of mismatched socks and a lap top balanced on his hairy belly wouldn’t go over as well as I’d like it to…We get it Shawn Johnson, you’re an Olympic Athlete, you can put on a pair of jeans now.

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So everyone is writing about this Jessica Simpson promoting beer to help relate to the common country folk she’s trying to seduce with this whole new country image because she realizes being a tired popstar isn’t as lucrative as being the next Dolly Parton, when we all know that Jessica Simpson’s drug of choice is poppin’ diet pills because she just wants to be skinny enough for someone to marry her and have babies with her so that she can be like her little sister.

I also think it’s funny that she went with a beer named Stampede to further solidfy just how country she is, because nothing says I jerk off bulls in my spare time and sell their sperm like a beer called Stamede. I hear her next move in getting in with the hicks is to sell her luxury cars and start riding a horse everywhere she goes.

And the real joke in all this is that the beer is charged with Vitamins, like some kind of snake oil Hollywood Atkins Low Carb bullshit to make drinking beer more guilt-free, when the truth is that beer is the reason I am pushing 300 pounds, it is the gateway drink to full blown alcoholism and is more fattening that drinking a fuckin’ milkshake, so whether shit’s got vitamins in it or not, or you piss fluorescent yellow or not, before long you’ll be headed to the hard stuff because none of your pants fit anymore, and drunk on whiskey happens faster than drunk on beer, making not wearing pants in public feel like it’s ok.

This is her quote featured in the ad and written by her dad because he jumps and any chance he gets to write about Jessica drunk and tight bodied…unfortunately a body they kept cover up to seduce the conservative backwoods people she wants to sell albums to. It’s all part of the master plan.

I work out and take care of myself. But I also like a cold beer once in a while. That’s why I made a smart choice with a smart beer. Stampede Light, it’s beer plus.

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Kelly Brook was out in a bikini, I am guessing because it is summer and that’s what people do, but for some reason all you assholes at your offices or mom’s basements find this shit so fucking exciting that you need to see it and I have nothing better to do than post it, so I guess it all works out in the end.

What also works out for me is that she’s wearing a white bikini bottom, which has been a fetish of mine for the last few years after spending a hot day at a public pool with my wife because we were scared she was going to die of heat exhaustion and I saw these eighteen year old girls, swimming, tanning and playing around in the water in their white bikinis, without realizing or realizing and not caring that I could see their full pussies and nipples and was the closet the public pool has ever got to being a naked pool and naked pools are something I am down with, especially when the girls don’t look like my wife, like Kelly Brook doesn’t look like my wife. Enjoy.

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I drank too much tonight but have to post this shit – so I won’ t talk about the 15 year old gymnastic giril i met or the cashier from Sierra Leonne who had da burned hand and a lot of attitude. Instead I wlll post my links. Cuddles

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