Rumer WIllis is fucking disgusting looking and even more disgusting looking now that she’s got her pants off. Despite having rich and famous parents, I still wouldn’t notice her, even if we were the only two people sitting in the plastic surgeon’s waiting room. I only like to hang outside plastic surgeon’s offices to meet strippers and to tell them encouraging words of wisdom like to go big or go home, but what I am trying to get at is that she’s got so little sex appeal, that she would just kinda blend into the wall and my brain wouldn’t pick her up.
That said, I am sure when Demi Moore had her she tried to get the doctor to push her back into the room, like convinced that she hadn’t finished developing and needed more time, like when you back muffins for your mom and shit’s raw on the inside….but when the doctor didn’t go through with it she was forced to raise her as her own, always resenting her for being so ugly while throwing up on her everytime she breast fed, because never in her life did she think she’d ever let anything this gross that close to her tits, unless he was of course a movie producer, offering her her first job.,…
I guess it’s kinda mean to make fun of someone’s birth defect, even when that birth defect is them. I should try to work on being nicer but with all this anger inside me, I don’t know if I can….
Lohan is my dream celebrity and I think she still looks hot when the paparazzi take shitty pictures from shitty angles that make her look like a big headed/small footed freakshow dressed like a bee in stupid pants getting ready to perform at the local carnival, but this isn’t the circus, she’s actually preparing for some weird Tango Dance movie she’s in that will definitely be Academy Award nominated, and by Academy Award I mean straight to fucking video. That was a pretty long sentence.
The thing I love about dirty girls is the risk taking involved in having sex with them. When you have sex with a standard chick, all you have to worry about is knocking her up, and that fear only lasts a couple of days around when her period is supposed to hit and if it doesn’t hit, you just abort mission. With a dirty girl, you got all kinds of other concerns that may take 6 months to discover, like you’re some kind of Indiana Jones motherfucker and your penis is the cup Jesus drank from….not this Jesus, that’s not how I’m living, but it seems every dude under the age of 20 is bi and fucking other dudes and then fucking girls at teenage sex parties and since girls have a vagina but are not smart enough to use them properly, no one uses condoms. Now STDs are the new Black (plague) and all these little sluts are going to be rockin’ herpes/HIV/HPV in the next 10 years, so I figure we should all just jump on that train and be the trendsetters because every loves the people who start a movement and take it to the mainstream. We’ll be heroes in our own right and they will make Stamps and trading cards with our pictures on them. Maybe we’ll even get invited to be on Kimmel.
Lohan is already up on this and is an inspiration to us all, so I figure it’s my duty to go to the source of all that fun. When I do, I can see past her flaws, like her belly while she’s sitting in the car, just as easily as I can see past her 21 year old haggard face from all the hard living, because that shit it all part of what we’re all trying to work towards.
Lohan is my dream celebrity and I think she still looks hot when the paparazzi take shitty pictures from shitty angles that make her look like a big headed/small footed freakshow dressed like a bee in stupid pants getting ready to perform at the local carnival, but this isn’t the circus, she’s actually preparing for some weird Tango Dance movie she’s in that will definitely be Academy Award nominated, and by Academy Award I mean straight to fucking video. That was a pretty long sentence.
The thing I love about dirty girls is the risk taking involved in having sex with them. When you have sex with a standard chick, all you have to worry about is knocking her up, and that fear only lasts a couple of days around when her period is supposed to hit and if it doesn’t hit, you just abort mission. With a dirty girl, you got all kinds of other concerns that may take 6 months to discover, like you’re some kind of Indiana Jones motherfucker and your penis is the cup Jesus drank from….not this Jesus, that’s not how I’m living, but it seems every dude under the age of 20 is bi and fucking other dudes and then fucking girls at teenage sex parties and since girls have a vagina but are not smart enough to use them properly, no one uses condoms. Now STDs are the new Black (plague) and all these little sluts are going to be rockin’ herpes/HIV/HPV in the next 10 years, so I figure we should all just jump on that train and be the trendsetters because every loves the people who start a movement and take it to the mainstream. We’ll be heroes in our own right and they will make Stamps and trading cards with our pictures on them. Maybe we’ll even get invited to be on Kimmel.
Lohan is already up on this and is an inspiration to us all, so I figure it’s my duty to go to the source of all that fun. When I do, I can see past her flaws, like her belly while she’s sitting in the car, just as easily as I can see past her 21 year old haggard face from all the hard living, because that shit it all part of what we’re all trying to work towards.
I was just taking a shit, and by shit I mean I was just uploading these Kylie and Danni Minogue pictures, that were just as painful as taking a shit, yes it hurts when I shit, but that’s just because my liver is shot and apparently it’s got some pretty integral role in shitting almost as integral as Kylie’s tits had in making her famous. Too bad they’ve left the building like Elvis, but not because of a drug overdose….it was cancer. No cancer isn’t funny, even when it happens to an asshole boss who deserves it, but breast implants are, they are like toys for adults.
I love seeing these plastic surgery bitches on the street, I am not talking post cancer implants like Kylie, I am talking rich breast implanted mom’s who’s husbands made them do it because it was always their fantasy and now that they have money and a woman dependent on their lifestyle, their reality, because when a bitch goes under the knife for you, you know you pretty much own her.
I always like asking girls I know with implants if they will have my baby, not because I want them to actually have my baby, because I don’t think my sperm can handle impregnating much more than my testicles and they are having a hard enough time just doing that, but when they respond by saying no, because no one wants my baby, I like to follow up with asking if they think the baby will look more like they look now or more like how they looked before the plastic surgery, because seeing a baby with big implants would be awkward, especially when it stats breast feeding itself.
So this is some model named Jessica Stam who is supposed to be pretty popular now so I decided to try to find her on Facebook since seducing “it” girls on the internet is what I do, except for the seducing part because they usually just block and delete me. I tell them how I want to give them abortions and other retarded shit that doesn’t translate into funny online, kinda like this site.
Either way, I came across these pictures and realized that she may be a hot model in pictures and on the runway, but she’s not a hot girl at events and in candid pictures and figured I’d post them for you all to see and hopefully to get back to her because let’s face it, she’s better than anything I’ve fucked. So her crack addict bags under her eyes and her mustache aren’t really that big of a deal to me. The addicts I’ve fucked didn’t even have both their eyes, and it’s just nice to see that she makes enough money for me to wallet fuck her with my limp dick in hopes of K-Feding her to support my retirement plan, but then again the dude who just gave me a coffee a Starbucks makes enough money to support my retirement. I’m not very luxurious, despite popular belief.
Hayden Panettiere dressed like a skinny looking girl in a bikini for halloween, but we all know that hiding somewhere under that bikini is her stalky troll body…I guess she is hollywood and this is the magic of movie special effects make-up or some expensive bikini or some shit because I rarely see girls take off her clothes and look better than when she has them on, but when it does happen it’s magical. We call those kinds of girls “sleepers” because no one notices them, and when you get them and their over-sized t-shirt comes off and reveals perfect tits and a bangin’ body you ask yourself why you were wasting your time with the hot chick everyone else is trying to get their dicks inside because she wearing revealing clothes trying to get attention and it’s working…..and laugh when you decide to let them have the hot whore and not be one of the assholes trying to hook it up because you just won the fuckin’ lottery with this sleeper.
I did once knew this girl who was the girl everyone wanted to fuck and somehow I got her back to my place when wasted, not that I had a place at the time, but she was too drunk to realize we were in under an overpass. Either way, as the clothes came off and the padded bra turned her C’s into manly pecs, and her controlling underwear turned her booty into a sloppy bowl of corn pops and I didn’t wanna have my Pops like their commercial always told me I did. But then her hair extensions came off showing off her female-pattern baldness and her make-up rubbed off turning her into a fucking monster…and it wasn’t halloween….
I am thinking that’s kinda what’s happening in these pictures, only it happens everyday while Hayden puts clothes on. It’s like as the t-shirt goes on, her abs turn into a gut and as her slim fit jeans go on her legs get short and thinck. For the record, I still slammed the bitch, but that’s just because I have no standards and how often do you get a girl, even if she doesn’t really look like a girl under an overpass wanting your dick, and by wanting my dick I mean passed out and having no idea where she is….
So some dude who has a website called INeedDaneCooksCockInMe.com or some shit I don’t remember because it was lame, just added me to AIM to tell me that I am a bigger failure than Teri Hatcher. I told him that I know that she may be disgusting, but she’s on some popular TV show and that I don’t really take offense to being compared to her because she’s doing alright for herself, especially not from some dude who has a crush on Dane Cook and thinks he’s actually funny. The dude went on to try to convince me to kill myself because I guess that’s the type of shit he finds funny and was saying that’s how much of a failure I was in his eyes, but reality is that if the booze doesn’t kill me, either will I and I’ll just let shit ride its course even if it means running this deeper into the ground than I already have.
That said, maybe I’d consider doing it, if the person peer pressuring me to do it was someone who was less pathetic than I am. Maybe if a really hot chick was like let’s kill ourselves together and I’ll let you grab my tits, but even then I’d probably just go along with it to grab her tits then pussy out, because death looks boring. I feel like if I was to take dude on he’d have to be someone who doesn’t use the word “Douch Bag” three times on his Dane Cook fan site and who doesn’t drop jokes about jerking off to Llamas. So today’s lesson is to only take advice from people who are more successful and funnier than you, and not from some hack motherfucker who thinks he’s got all the answers hiding behind his computer making bad jokes.
Here are my links:
The Internet Pirate in the Forum Landed the New Jay-Z American Gangster Leak that is GO
A Hot Iranian Porn Movie…I Didn’t Think it Was Possible Either GO
Shauna Sand Dressed Half Naked and Classy for Some Event…Because She Can… GO
Her Name is Ellen Stagg and She’s an Erotica Photographer and This Will Lead You To Her Own World Artistic Sluts Being Sleazy GO
Who Would You Rather Have Sex With the Scary Edition GO
Kim Kardashian Talks About Being an Attention Whore Slut GO
Some Cheerleader Keeps Doing Her Moves As She’s Pulled Away on a Stretcher…Hysterical GO
Check Out Some Hot California Blondes Named Holly and Molly Being Hot California Blondes GO
Some Frat Boy Lookin’ Motherfucker Named Pittsburgh Slim Has a Lame Frat Boy Song Called Girls Kiss Girls…But the Video is Worth Watching….Seriously….Just Mute the Shit and by Shit I Mean His Song GO
Jennifer Ellison Showing Off her Tits on Rollerblades and It’s as Magical as it Sounds GO
Avril Lavigne is a Lame French Maid or a Totally Unsexy Something for Halloween GO
Here are some pictures of Elvira because it’s Halloweeen and being Elvira means that you can only work for this one week a year which works out nicely for her because she’s gotta be in her 60s and this shit is some semi-retired living in Florida career. All she has to do is squeeze herself into some kind of tight motherfucking outfit, show off her big tits and show up,
Speaking of squeezing into tight clothes, I was walking down the street today, and as you all know, leggings are all the fucking rage for young girls thanks to American Apparel. Well it turns out that fat girls with fat asses think that since shit’s in style, they have a right to offend all of us with their tight pants and big asses all hanging out all over the motherfucking place. I don’t know where I am going with this, because I am too nice to call a girl out for being fat and offensive, but I Elivra reminded me of what I saw and felt the need to drop it like it’s hot, when really it’s not hot at all, it’s the shit that’s turning all these young dude’s gay.
Either way, I know a lot of girls who would love to get paid for that kind of thing, but instead are doing it for free, or for STDs and babies, so in a lot of ways Elvira is living the dream and it’s really too bad that she’s not asked to attend more Christmas, New Years, Easter, Labor Day and Independence Day events.
Here are some pictures of Elvira because it’s Halloweeen and being Elvira means that you can only work for this one week a year which works out nicely for her because she’s gotta be in her 60s and this shit is some semi-retired living in Florida career. All she has to do is squeeze herself into some kind of tight motherfucking outfit, show off her big tits and show up,
Speaking of squeezing into tight clothes, I was walking down the street today, and as you all know, leggings are all the fucking rage for young girls thanks to American Apparel. Well it turns out that fat girls with fat asses think that since shit’s in style, they have a right to offend all of us with their tight pants and big asses all hanging out all over the motherfucking place. I don’t know where I am going with this, because I am too nice to call a girl out for being fat and offensive, but I Elivra reminded me of what I saw and felt the need to drop it like it’s hot, when really it’s not hot at all, it’s the shit that’s turning all these young dude’s gay.
Either way, I know a lot of girls who would love to get paid for that kind of thing, but instead are doing it for free, or for STDs and babies, so in a lot of ways Elvira is living the dream and it’s really too bad that she’s not asked to attend more Christmas, New Years, Easter, Labor Day and Independence Day events.
Teri Hatcher takes halloween to heart and shows up at some kids charity to scare the fuck out of everyone in the fucking place. I don’t think that was her plan but halloween is the time to celebrate death and she’s been doing a lot of celebrating for the last 10 years because bitch looks like fucking death and has for a long time.
I was at some fish market, not because I eat fish but because I like the smell and just can’t get enough of it. The Old Greeks guys who run the place were talking about Desperate Housewives and how much they love it and how they want to bend Eva Longoria and teach her the greek olive oil way. I realized that they would be better bloggers than me and had to leave even though it smelled like heaven and by heaven I mean like some washed up old hooker who had three days of cum still up inside her.
Either way, I like how she smeared her last period before she menopause that she kept in the fridge on her lips as some kind of ceremonial celebration sacrifice.
