It turns out that Britney Spears has a stalker and unfortunately it isn’t me. This is the kind of media attention that would really take the site to the next level, not to mention getting charged as a celebrity stalker would be a hell of a lot better than the other crimes I’ve been charged for, which are actually all really embarrassing, like the time I got charged for kidnapping my neighbor’s cat because bitch wouldn’t stop making noise complaints against me or the all the times I got arrested for public drunkenness when all I was going for was a couple of laughs from my friends when strolling around the park naked that unfortunately happened when there was a group of kids playing there leading to a way more serious offense, but I managed to get off and not the way you would, you sick fuck.

Either way, here’s the story:

“It started about six weeks ago with just letters being sent once a week, and then it quickly escalated to larger packages that now arrive two to three times a week — always to the same L.A. address, but never to one of Britney’s homes.”

And according to the source, it’s a good thing these boxes never made it to the still-recovering singer’s doorstep, because what’s inside could not be good for her mental state.

“The first thing you see when you open the box is a huge, lavender-colored, battery-operated sex toy, still with the price tag on it.” And alongside the mechanical apparatus are two letters — one handwritten and one written on a computer — both threatening and pornographic in nature.

“The handwritten one is on note paper and it’s written in a crazy, all-caps chicken scratch,” says the source, who adds that the five-page typed letter contains vivid, pornographic details of the writer’s fantasy exploits with Britney, none of which can be printed here.

That doesn’t sound like a stalker to me, it sound like someone lookin’ for a good time and Britney should appreciate the attention she’s getting from him, because most dudes have thrown their Britney fantasies into the back of their masturbation catalog because she’s so fuckin’ damaged.

If anything, dude’s doing her a favor by sending her a vibrator to service herself, because it will get her in a lot less trouble than an actual penis that will lead to pregnancy, then losing her babies and being forced to pay the motherfucker crazy amounts of money for life and shit, which turns out to be a lot more expensive than just pullin’ a whack.

It’s like giving a rapist a rubber vagina to have his way with to keep him off our women and the fact that the price tag is still on it, just proves that it’s never been used and is good to go without giving it a wash down. Every girl I’ve ever given a vibrator to has had to soak that fucker in bleach because it had seen more dirty pussy than a gynecologist in the poor part of town. Dude even went so far to give her erotic stories to use the vibrator with and if anything dude’s just a romantic and not a threat to the world, because I usually just throw on the dirtiest porn I can find to get a girl in the mood, I stay as far away from writing drug store erotica to get bitch in the fuckin’ mood. So if motherfucker is being labeled a stalker, I wonder what the girl who I followed home and left a pair of her panties that I stole from the laundry mat that I jerked off on or even the girl who caught me in her closet wearing one of her dresses after breaking into her apartment thinks of me…

Either way, I just wish that the cake I made Britney and planned on mailing out to her before my wife got her greasy hands on it and ate made it to her….because then maybe I’d be on my way to being the next K-Fed and not one of you…..

Posted in:Britney Spears|stalker