DrunkenStepFather.com - I'll Make You Famous…

2007

02

Jul

I am – Eva Longoria Bachelorette Party in St Tropez of the Day

Eva Longoria is in Europe preparing for her wedding or getting married or on her honeymoon or for some reason that doesn’t really matter because whatever she’s doing, she’s rocking a bikini. I was never a big fan of Eva Longoria, probably because I am Mexican and I am not into my own kind. All I see when I look at her is my grandmother, a short stalky bitch making tortillas for her 8 kids in our ratty ass kitchen when I was 5. I just assume that’s where Longoria will end up and although I loved my grandmother, I never really wanted to marry her or bang her if you know what I mean.

I used to hang out with this black dude who was stealing money from the store he was night manager at. He used to take us out to stripclubs every single night and pay for everything. He told us that his mother had died and left him a couple hundred thousand dollars and that he wanted to spend it on having a good time. I didn’t feel guilty about letting him blow all his money on us because I figured I was therapeutic to him and if you want my company you just have to take me to the strippers. Either way, I am not a heartless asshole and when dude finally got arrested I felt relieved that the money he was spending wasn’t his to begin with, it made all those drunken nights a lot more fun to be a part of because the guilt was gone.

Anyway, dude used to get so fucking mad when black strippers would get up on stage. He wanted more out of his people and thought they were just living a cliche. The condition of going out with him was to pay no attention to the black strippers because shit personally offended him. I feel the same way about Longoria, she’s a disgrace to our people but at least she’s rockin’ a camel toe showing off that her taco isn’t as meaty as the tacos she grew up on.

2007

02

Jul

I am – Rebecca Gayheart Topless on a Yacht of the Day

31 Comments »

I always rag on the paparazzi for being sleazy fucks hiding in the bushes because part of me think they are assholes for suing people like me for posting the images and part of my sympathizes with the famous people who don’t have much of a private life, even though they make tons of money and want to be in the public eye and pretty much sold their souls to the world so that this kind of thing is considered alright, but I guess I can’t really hate them when they pull through with hot topless pics of some actress no one cares about on her Yacht in Italy. That means that some motherfucker got on a boat and followed them out to wherever the fuck they are to get pics of bitch on her boat topless and that takes some serious fucking effort. If I was walking down the street I wouldn’t have any idea who she was and I wouldn’t think twice about following her around with a camera, so I guess these paparazzi assholes have a place in the world.

What I love about girls is that they get fucking horny when they are in the sun and in bikinis. The first 30 minutes they are all shy and uncomfortable with people lookin’ at their bodies so they cover up a little, walk around with a towel, don’t take off their shirt when they are supposed to, but then they stop caring get used to being half naked and the party starts. Eventually tops come up, blow jobs are given and you’re on the set of a fucking porno without understanding how the fuck it happened. I don’t spend enough time with girls in bikinis, but I know how things are….

I always wanted a life where I was around naked chicks on yachts drinking cocktails all day, it seems like that is what living is all about, so while Rebecca Gayheart gives us a taste of the life we’ll never live, I can’t help but hate her for not inviting me.

2007

02

Jul

I am – Paris Hilton Bikini in Hawaii Pictures of the Day

2 Comments »

I ended up drunk at a house party at 5 am the other night where some doctor was feeding me gin until I couldn’t walk and I don’t remember much of the night, but I do remember talking to this one dude about how I had Stavros’ number and he was really interested in giving him a call, so he did using my phone and Stavros answers. I am convinced that this dude has a friend in Montreal because anytime I call, motherfucker answers. He talks to me about parties and where he’s off to next and all this shit like old buddies who he can’t fuckin’ place, but feel obligated to be nice and rude to ask who the fuck he is talking to. Either way, the dude I was with called Stavros and they chatted about how he is in Maui for the next month or two and then he is off to France. They were talking about shit I didn’t know or understand because I am not as worldly, but the conversation seemed to have went on for 10 minutes. When dude got off the phone he said that was probably one of the weirder conversations he had because Stavros was acting like they were buddies. So I guess he’s just a nice guy and I appreciate that he answered.

Unfortunately, I was drunk and I ended up text messaging him on my way home drunk because I was all excited about our little prank call and I wrote something to the effect of “tell Pairs I am proud of her and that she owned Larry King, but I am still pissed she never wrote me back, I guess you can never train a whore to listen” and I got no response, so maybe dude figured out what we were all about and maybe dude will never answer my calls and give me inside scoop again and it turns out that I proved yet again that if you leave something to me, I will always pretty much ruin it, especially if it’s a good thing….

That said, here are pictures of Paris in Maui, obviously visiting Stavros because they are in love or some shit, but keep it low key. People with herpes stick together, the embarrassment of telling a new partner you got damaged goods is usually the reason why, but at least Herpes is the leading cause of successful marriages in North America. I made that up but I bet it’s true.

Reality is, bitch still has a good body, and whether she’s got a fucked up face, big feet, man hands, herpes and personality disorders or not, she’s still worth a round, she will be worth 100,000,000 dollars when her dad dies and that is enough money to make me have sex with any pile of shit you throw my way because in reality I’d even do it for free, if my penis worked.

2007

02

Jul

I am – Natalie Reid the Paris Hilton Impersonator’s Tits of the Day

16 Comments »

This is some creepy fucking shit. Paris Hilton has some crazy look-alike who is now attending events and making a name for herself as the bitch who looks like Paris Hilton. Her name is Natalie Reid and the whole thing makes me feel uncomfortable, even though she’s showin’ off a little tit.

This girl wakes up every morning thinking to hersel about how she can be more like Paris, she gets her hair done to look like Paris, she watches video and interviews to talk like Paris, she has probably got plastic surgery to look more like Paris and if Paris wasn’t famous, this would probably be illegal.

To put things in perspective, imagine someone you know, like a neighbor or someone you work with you a friend decides to make themselves look like you. They start off small like getting the same haircut, then they start wearing the same clothes and as time goes on they look almost like your twin brother. You would freak the fuck out, possibly call the cops, get a restraining order or beat the motherfucker up.

In an unrelated story, I was walking by the Salvation Army depot yesterday night and saw some dude with a stick fishing for clothes out of the drop off bins they have set up. I thought to myself that motherfucker was crafty because he was eliminating the middle man and getting shit people drop off for free, before the Salvation Army gets their money grubbing hands on this free shit to start selling it to turn a huge profit. I thought to myself that I wanted to be like that guy because he was smart, enterprising and well dressed, but was too lazy to go through with it, because getting my leg amputated, a wheelchair and losing about 70 lbs is a lot more effort than I wanted to put into things. I decided to just ride out these jogging pants til they either melt or become fused to my skin and that’s all I have to say about that because I figure that trying to figure out why anyone would want to look like Paris Hilton would really be impossible to do and I am not ambitious enough to take on the impossible.

Posted in:Impersonator|Natale Reid|Paris Hilton|Tits|Unsorted

2007

02

Jul

I am – Natalie Reid the Paris Hilton Impersonator's Tits of the Day

No Comments »

This is some creepy fucking shit. Paris Hilton has some crazy look-alike who is now attending events and making a name for herself as the bitch who looks like Paris Hilton. Her name is Natalie Reid and the whole thing makes me feel uncomfortable, even though she’s showin’ off a little tit.

This girl wakes up every morning thinking to hersel about how she can be more like Paris, she gets her hair done to look like Paris, she watches video and interviews to talk like Paris, she has probably got plastic surgery to look more like Paris and if Paris wasn’t famous, this would probably be illegal.

To put things in perspective, imagine someone you know, like a neighbor or someone you work with you a friend decides to make themselves look like you. They start off small like getting the same haircut, then they start wearing the same clothes and as time goes on they look almost like your twin brother. You would freak the fuck out, possibly call the cops, get a restraining order or beat the motherfucker up.

In an unrelated story, I was walking by the Salvation Army depot yesterday night and saw some dude with a stick fishing for clothes out of the drop off bins they have set up. I thought to myself that motherfucker was crafty because he was eliminating the middle man and getting shit people drop off for free, before the Salvation Army gets their money grubbing hands on this free shit to start selling it to turn a huge profit. I thought to myself that I wanted to be like that guy because he was smart, enterprising and well dressed, but was too lazy to go through with it, because getting my leg amputated, a wheelchair and losing about 70 lbs is a lot more effort than I wanted to put into things. I decided to just ride out these jogging pants til they either melt or become fused to my skin and that’s all I have to say about that because I figure that trying to figure out why anyone would want to look like Paris Hilton would really be impossible to do and I am not ambitious enough to take on the impossible.

Posted in:Impersonator|Natale Reid|Paris Hilton|Tits|Unsorted

2007

30

Jun

I am – stepLINKS of the Day

2 Comments »

I offended some dude locally for asking his girlfriend for before and after her baby box shots. This was over a year ago and he still hasn’t got over it. At the time I sent it, it was just a random message to a random person I didn’t know. I used to send out the myspace message of the day to as many people as I could to get the word on the site out. He didn’t realize that it was a mass message and developed a hate for me. What I didn’t understand is that he had left a comment on her myspace saying “I bet you wish you got the abortion”, leading me to believe she had some twisted sense of humor and could handle before and after baby box shot requests. I was wrong. Dude want’s to physically hurt me for an internet comment, and he knows people I know, so one day soon, I may get jumped from behind for something I typed. I always thought that I’d get a stalker, or that someone would get so offended by something I said that they would come kill me because there are a lot of freakshows out there, but I never actually thought someone would want me dead for something I type. I guess that’s the power of the internet, I find the whole thing very embarrassing.

Here are my links.

These Are Some Paula Abdul Very Drunk Clips From Her New Reality Show. Insane.
GO

Is this a Sex Scene or a Murder Scene?
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Katie Holmes Likes to Have the Wet Look
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Terry Richardson Does Mainstream Porn…This is Him Talking About Bush….
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More Vanessa Manillo Censored Pics.
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Penelope Cruz’s Big Tits Have a Panic Attack on a Plane Forcing It To Turn Around and Fly Back
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Porn Star’s Talk About their Favorite Position Video
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Some Japanese School Girl Porn – NSFW
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Retired Cop Gets Busted Getting a Blowjob from a Hooker
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Some Victoria Beckham Panty Upskirt from the Other Day
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GIrls Painting With Their Assholes – Disgusting but still Art
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The Bachelor Show is Having Trouble Casting Bitches Because All the Hot One’s Have Herpes. It’s a pretty Sick Epidemic.
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Australian Girls Topless at the Drive Thru
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Wrestler Who Killed His Wife Conspiracy Because of Wikipedia
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Spice Girl’s Bald Boyfriend Is Covering Her Up, I Don’t Blame Him, Bitch is Busted.
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Some Chick Named Hofit Golan’s Tits Are About To Explode
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Tom Cruise is Gay for David Beckham
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Lilly Allen Gets Arrested for Showing the World Her Panties Because of Fear Of What’s Underneath
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News Reporter Gets Interrupted in a Funny Way
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Cool Hand Luke Sexy Car Wash Scene
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Shay Laren’s Hot Picture Moment
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Some Mariah Carey Performing for AIDS
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Wild Things 3 – Lesbian Shower Scene
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Tera Patrick Porn Star Car Wash Video
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Sex tape with Daniela Cicarelli on the Beach, You’ve Already Seen
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Jordan – Katie Price’s Big Fat Tits Have a Baby Girl
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Some Chick Named Polliana Pullin Out Her Tit, I Have No Idea Who She Is….
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Transformers Premiere Pictures…You Don’t Want to See….
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Lookin’ Good Sweetheart
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Some Sex in the Kitchen Video Clips That Are Weird and NSFW
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Kim Kardashian’s Ass in Green Again…This Thing is Huge
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Brooke Burke’s Barely There Shirt
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Dita Von Teese Topless in UK Esquire
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Hilary Duff Rockin’ Out on the Today Show Lookin’ Hot Enough For Me
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Transformers Decepticon’d Game
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Girl Gets Lesbianed at a Party
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Lisa Rinna Reminds Us What Plastic Surgery Does To Tits
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The FIrst Cam Girl I Ever Heard of is Ana Voog. She’s Celebrating Her 10 Year Anniversary of Being a Total Exhibitionist Slut
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UK Reality Star Malene Espensen Showin Off Her Tits
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Lookin’ Good Sweetheart
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Some Sluts like Forbidden, Some Chick From Beerfest and a Playboy Playmate Sexy Posing With Guitars….
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Czech Teen Gets Paid To Strip on the Subway Video
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Lap Dances and Pizzas at Some Restaurant in NYC
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Billy Bob Thorton Buys a House in Malibu to be Closer to Angelina
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Sharon Stone Looks Like a Fucking Wreck…
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Bruce Willis Quiz Because You Have Nothing Better to Do Today, Loser
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The Most Useless Night in Hollywood
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Big Brother 6 Pool Orgy Download
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Keely Hazell Lingerie Photoshoot to Jerk off To – Pervert…
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This is old news but I never saw this Michael Jackson Conspiracy Video Before So It’s New To Me
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Some Girl Wu Tanging With Big Ol’ Titties
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Tight Body Chick Named India Wu Tanging..
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Naked Yoga Video
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I hate Caption This Contests – But This One is Funny
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Camel Toe at the Miss Russia Pageant
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Last Night’s Party Makes a Voyeur VIdeo
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TIger Wood’s House Burns to the Ground
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Lookin’ Good Sweetheart
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FInd Pussy in Your Hometown…
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I believe that you can’t get pussy cuz you don’t use this….
GO

Posted in:stepLINKS|Unsorted

2007

29

Jun

I am – Jessica Simpson Tits in a Blue Dress of the Day

11 Comments »

So I was at the drug store buying some hemorrhoid cream for my wife. I wish she was one of those hollywood type that uses the shit on the bags under her eyes, but no, I landed myself a woman with asshole problems. She’s gone to the doctor about it a few times and she blames her pregnancy almost 18 years ago on her asshole problems, but reality is that bitch eats like shit, is insanely overweight and takes the longest shits ever.

I used to live with a guy who made a ritual out of shitting. He would get his porn magazine, or book, or whatever he was in the mood to read, he’d bring his weed and papers and a pack of cigarettes to role a joint and smoke while shitting, sometimes he’d bring a can of coke or bag of chips and he’d spend the afternoon in the bathroom shitting. He called it his alone time like he was a middle aged man who’s only escape from his wife and kids is when he shits. Either way, my wife puts him to shame and unlike him, she’s not hovering over her shit doing a crossword puzzle and drinking a cocktail, she is actually there trying to empty out her fucking ass womb.

Either way, she has hemorrhoids and I had to go to the drug store to get the meds and saw the tabloids and since I write this site, I notice the tabloids and they were all praising Jessica Simpson for her recent drop in 20 lbs over the last 2 months. What they didn’t praise was John Mayer for dumping her fat ass making her forced to work out to get back into the dating scene in hopes of making him kick himself in the ass for dropping such a prized piece of ass while he’s fucking some smokin’ hot local chick in every town he tours because they think he’s some kind of god.

I don’t know if that came across like it sounded when I said it, but here are Jessica Simpson’s rockin’ tits, slimmer body and all that bullshit you like.

Posted in:cleavage|Jessica Simpson|Tits|Unsorted

2007

29

Jun

I am – Maria Sharapova Down Shirt Tennis Post of the Day

3 Comments »

I figure that a lot of you fuckers like sports because otherwise athletes wouldn’t be making millions of dollars. If the whole world worked the way I work, then strippers would be the main attraction at arenas and these bitches would be makin way more money than Hollywood Stars and people in sports combined, but I guess that doesn’t really matter to you.

What does matter is that as long as there is a sport that allows women to maintain some level of sex appeal, whether it be by not being bulky as fuck, whether it be by not being lesbionic as fuck, whether it be not having cocks taped to the inside of their legs because they are really dudes trying to excel like in every shitty cliche movie, then I am all for posting pictures of the girls involved bending over, showing their asses, wearing little tight shorts and rockin’ camel toe.

These are pictures of Sharapova, a girl you all want to throw a ball at, but you’re ball would be attached to your dick and your game would last a lot less that a normal match she’s used to because you have premature ejaculation issues and vaginas are like to forbidden fruit you’ve never seen so you’d get overwhelmed with the hole thing and blow it.

I snuck into the professional ladies tennis match that happens here every 2 years last year and I couldn’t really follow the game, their squeals distracted me, on my way out I say Sharapova in person, she’s really not that hot, sorry to break it to you, but she’s a pro athlete and she may look good compared to the people she is up against like the Williams sisters, but that’s like saying my gonorrhea discharge is sexy because it’s not herpes – ya heard?

Posted in:Athlete|Maria Sharapova|Tennis|Tits|Unsorted

2007

29

Jun

I am – Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo Naked of the Day

15 Comments »

These pictures were taken by photo agency FAME and they are of Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo naked. Unfortunately the fuckers sold the picture to Life & Style magazine and the uncensored version hasn’t hit the internet yet. I emailed x17 asking them to send me the unedited version, which could have been a mistake since those fuckers hate me and sites like me and sue all of our asses as often as they have to to protect their really lucrative, yet sleazy business of taking pictures of celebrities naked. The reason I am posting these is in hopes that one of my 12 readers, that means you, works at this magazine and has a copy of the original.

I always was fascinated with pubic hair and pussy and always wanted to know what bitch is rockin’. I remember when I was in school I used to ask all the girls to tell me about their pubic hair. I’d want to know what color shit was, I wanted to know how shit was maintained, was it bald, was it rectangular, was it triangular, was it dealt with by using scissors, wax, Nair or a razor or was it full blown bush. I never got kicked out of school for sexual harassment, only because it was a different era, no one ever complained and the teachers were probably just as into the shit I was doing and the information i was trying to get as I was, that’s why they were highschool teachers and didn’t have real jobs.

If that happened today, I probably would have never finished the ninth grade. They would have kicked me out and sent me to therapy or an all boys school or some shit good thing they didn’t because an all boy’s school would have given me little information for my autobiography that I will never write that is going to be called Life as a Pervert.

If you’re bored find me a contact at this agency…

2007

29

Jun

I am – Rosie Perez Big Stretch Marked Titties of the Day

4 Comments »

Mom, is that you? I know that I am pretty slow moving today and that you’ve already left your shitty jobs to go home to spend you shitty weekend with your shitty friends and your shitty family and maybe if you’re lucky you’re shitty girlfriend will put out but reality is that you probably don’t have a shitty girlfriend you just have a shitty sex drive that isn’t shitty because it’s not raging, but shitty because you can’t do anything about it so that it hangs over your shitty head like a fucking demon you can’t get rid of because jerking off bored you and you already do it 3 times a day.

Rosie Perez was never a woman I wanted a piece of, I am only throwing this pictures up so you can see what aging does to a face as well as what it does to a set of big ol’ titties that are hanging so hard they are stretching the shit out of her skin leaving stretch marks, like a teenage girl who has grown up on genetically modified food who’ grew to a D-Cup overnight, only the opposite, because a teen with a new set of natural D’s is a beautiful thing, where as an older mexican slag with big fat tits hanging off her frame like an anorexic girl’s uterus hangs out of her box isn’t.

As the only mexican blogger, other than Perez, but he’s gay so he doesn’t count as a real person, I feel it’s my duty to properly represent my people. I know that won’t stop you from doing whatever it is you do to these pictures because you’re a pervert and these pics are the closest thing you can get to pussy.

Posted in:Rosie Perez|Saggy|Stretch Marks|Tits|Unsorted