Someone emailed me asking me if the fat Mexican in the background of this fat actress walking her dog picture was me. It isn’t, that isn’t what I look like and despite popular believe not all mexicans look the same, you racist fuck but more importantly, I wouldn’t let any evidence of me and Jennifer Love Hewitt together ever hit the internet because I’d hate to be seen in public with her. Not because I have a secret high profile celebrity relationship that I am trying to keep under wraps, but because she’s too fat to be considered a real celebrity and I have enough fat chicks in my life and swore that I’d never get into that kind of mess again.
I almost found love as real as Jennifer Love’s love. I was cruising through the ghetto last night and some 60 year old in a belly button shirt and short short approached us and told us that for 50 dollars she would do anything we wanted her to do. We’re talking fucking her from any position, with or without condom, and even busting our load anywhere we want including inside her. The only difference between the love I was going to find with this toothless down on her luck addict with a stretch-marked stomach pushing 60 and the love that Jennifer Love Hewitt has found, is that her whore is a tall normal lookin’ dude, and he doesn’t charge by the hour, it’s more of a full time gig for him and he’s not much of an actor because this shit looks more staged than the high school play I was trying to organize with the local highschool, but that never panned out because the police investigated my intentions when the highschool called them and told them that some random dude with no affiliation to the school was trying to recruit their students into performing live sex acts on stage for him and his friends in his living room.
I wasn’t going to cover any Emmy Awards shit because the Emmy Awards are fucking lame and it was my attempt in protesting them. Reality is that I tried to watch them yesterday because I figured it would inspire me to hate the world more than I do or maybe even take the 4 hours of my life away from me. I promised a reader that I would live-blog but that didn’t happen. Life lesson, never trust a drunken Mexican.
I first tuned in on my neighbors TV during the pre-show red carpet shit and saw the fag from Queer Eye doing fashion play-by-play like it was a fucking sports show. I thought the concept was stupid and was forced to change channels, but that was after I saw lesbian Ellen and her wife who is not so lesbian but realizes that eating Ellen’s pussy is good for business, being interviewed. Ellen was a manic weirdo who must have been jacked on something and it made me question why we let Lesbians on TV.
I tuned in again for the opening performance that was some Family Guy shit, Stewie and the dog were singing about how shitty TV is, I think I laughed a few times but I was drunk and don’t really remember. I do know that I like Family Guy and think it’s the best written show, so I hope they won something.
Ryan Seacrest came on and didn’t make me or anyone in the audience even crack a smile. His jokes weren’t jokes and it was nice to see his Seacrest ship sink, I can only hope this continues in the next events he is involved in, because his demise is well deserved. He’s a 5 minutes of fame gone wrong situation, you know the kind of dude you hate that gets on some Dating Show but somehow turns it into years of success when his talent only should have got him to the elimination round….
The second Ray Romano came on was the second I turned the shit off. I hate his voice and seeing him on TV reminded me why I don’t watch TV. I used to go crazy everytime his show came on, I am talking throwing shit at the TV to make the pain stop.
I also kept catching my neighbor staring at me while rubbing his leg, and despite being all for dirty old men, I can’t accept dirty old men giving me the eye mainly because I am not into gay but also because I am disgusting looking and anyone giving me the eye whether man or woman is clearly fucked in the head and someone I don’t want to be around…I felt like I accidentally walked into some kind of secret gay man hook up zone like a public bathroom that fags use as a meeting place to fuck while their wives are out shopping or some shit…and despite it being more exciting than the Emmies, I still had to get the fuck out.
Here are some pictures of the event:
Christina Aguilera and Her Pregnancy Tits
Eva Longoria and Her Mexican Ass
Hayden Panettiere and Her Floppy Tits Hiding Under a Tent of a Dress I can only assume she wanted to wear adult sizes for once and this is the result
Heidi Klum is Living Beauty and the Beast
Jaime Lynn Sigler Brings Her Eating Disorder as Her Date
Jaime Pressly 4 Months After Letting The World Knows She Has Unprotected Sex By Having a Baby
Jennifer Love Hewitt Hiding Her Fat Ass We All Know She Has…
Kaley Cuoco Because She’ll Never Be On TV Again
Katherine Heigl is the Big Winner…Literally…
Kristen Bell Because I Don’t Know Who She Is…
Lisa Rinna Because She Hasn’t Been on TV for a Decade…But Her Fake Tits Get Her Past Security…
Maria Menounos Because She’s Greek and Takes it in the Ass
Michelle Pfeiffer is Old But Still Hotter Than Anyone You Know…
Phoebe Price Because Her Dress Has Windows
Portia DiRossi Because She’s a Fake Lesbian and We Like Fake Lesbians Because It Means They Will Let Us Fuck Them While They Eat Out Their Friends…
Teri Hatcher Because She Banged Ryan Seacrest
I am sure there are more, but this took me long enough to do and I am over the Emmy Awards….
Bonus – Christina Aguilera Performance with Tony Bennett
This are probably some of the most misleading pictures I’ve seen in a while and that is why I am posting them. When I saw the caption of Jennifer Love Hewitt at the beach, I figured they were some slutty bikini pictures, but that was before I remembered that this bitch is a bigger prude than this none I once knew who used to be a whore but found Jesus. She gave up fucking for money , but she did let us peak up her habit every once in a while, I guess because once you’re a slut, you’re pretty much always a slut….even after finding Jesus.
Either way, bitch is on the beach, bitch is fully clothed and bitch is fatter than she’s ever been. It’s the typical story of the young small framed girl with huge tits who ends up hefty 10 years later, because her tits are so out of proportion that the ass feels like it needs to catch up or some shit…Reality is that all this girl ever had going for her was her body because her face was always a wreck, and now that the body is gone, I guess that means she’s dead to all of us….
I am not always mean to fat chicks because I am a model citizen. I don’t help old ladies cross the street, I don’t volunteer and I don’t have a job or contribute to the world in any way. I am not a big brother or a big sister, I am not an activist and I don’t have a cause, I am not trying to change the world, I don’t recycle but I did hold a door open for a at lady I almost slammed it on because my brain blocks out every girl I don’t want to fuck. It’s like I can be in a room with 10 girls and only see the hot ones, the ugly ones don’t even register. Either way, I apologized to the woman for not seeing her but I couldn’t help saying “I bet you don’t hear that often” because she’s fat and takes up the same amount of space as 2 people. It may have been a bad joke, it may take away from the nice model citizen act of kindness of holding the door open for a woman whos hands were full with 2 boxes of donuts and it may make me an asshole, but at least it made me laugh.
Here are those Jennifer Love on the Beach Pics for you remember something that once wasn’t a fat chick with a camera.
I don’t have a TV, but that’s not why I don’t watch Ghost Whisperer. I don’t watch Ghost Whisperer mostly for the same reason i never watched Party of Five: Jennifer Love Hewitt. I hate her acting, I hate her fivehead, and she makes me want to kick her in the face with steel toed boots. She must have bukkake’d it up with half the studio execs in Hollywood to still be working. Whatever credit she gets for growing tits so big they need some sort of pulley-system for support, she loses for the way she wears her hips. Like what are those jeans about–is she aiming to look like a pregnant pear? I envied her body so bad as a kid when i saw “I still know you ran over me last summer and now i will kill you,” but today, not so much. It is as if her mission is to model maternity clothes all the time. If she is knocked up, she won’t need a C section because bitch has birthing hips a tractor would have no problem passing through.
This post was shitty but I don’t care because I am hungover and I want food and all I got is kechcup and prescription drugs lying around. I am also still a little bothered because dude from last night was a perv and my vagina got no play, but that is why god invented batteries.
I don’t have a TV, but that’s not why I don’t watch Ghost Whisperer. I don’t watch Ghost Whisperer mostly for the same reason i never watched Party of Five: Jennifer Love Hewitt. I hate her acting, I hate her fivehead, and she makes me want to kick her in the face with steel toed boots. She must have bukkake’d it up with half the studio execs in Hollywood to still be working. Whatever credit she gets for growing tits so big they need some sort of pulley-system for support, she loses for the way she wears her hips. Like what are those jeans about–is she aiming to look like a pregnant pear? I envied her body so bad as a kid when i saw “I still know you ran over me last summer and now i will kill you,” but today, not so much. It is as if her mission is to model maternity clothes all the time. If she is knocked up, she won’t need a C section because bitch has birthing hips a tractor would have no problem passing through.
This post was shitty but I don’t care because I am hungover and I want food and all I got is kechcup and prescription drugs lying around. I am also still a little bothered because dude from last night was a perv and my vagina got no play, but that is why god invented batteries.
You will see these pictures on other sites and with these pics you will see stupid fucking jokes about how you need to spot the clown in the picture or shit about Jennifer Love Hewitt learning how to seduce little kids back into her van or something about how clowns are scary but not to her because she’s so fucking fake she laughs at everyone’s jokes when the camera is on, it’s good PR.
I fucking had bitches who laugh at my jokes, trying to look cute, even when shit’s way over their head or when I am not trying to be funny, which is pretty much all the time….cuz laughing is for cunts in yellow trying to be cute.
Speaking of cunt, I wonder what hers is lookin like, but the state of her tits aiming to the ground like all big tits do when they turn thirty, I can only assume her uterus is peeking out of her box too. I guess my analogy was kinda vile, good thing no one’s reading this.
You will see these pictures on other sites and with these pics you will see stupid fucking jokes about how you need to spot the clown in the picture or shit about Jennifer Love Hewitt learning how to seduce little kids back into her van or something about how clowns are scary but not to her because she’s so fucking fake she laughs at everyone’s jokes when the camera is on, it’s good PR.
I fucking had bitches who laugh at my jokes, trying to look cute, even when shit’s way over their head or when I am not trying to be funny, which is pretty much all the time….cuz laughing is for cunts in yellow trying to be cute.
Speaking of cunt, I wonder what hers is lookin like, but the state of her tits aiming to the ground like all big tits do when they turn thirty, I can only assume her uterus is peeking out of her box too. I guess my analogy was kinda vile, good thing no one’s reading this.
I remember a time when this whore was tiny with big tits. I was a with a guy this weekend who wouldn’t stop talking about skinny girls with big tits. He recently started calling tits “cans”, like this was the ’50s and I liked it enough to consider dropping it on the regular but probably won’t because I forget stupid ideas all the time.
Anyway, it looks like Jennifer Love has taken an interest in eating. Maybe it’s got something to do with her amazing career and life-changing show about Ghosts that I am forced to watch on Friday nights because I have one Channel. It looks like her boyfriend is even lookin’ at her ass thinking to himself that he didn’t sign up for this dumpy shit, she’s supposed to be that small chick with big cans, what the fuck happened….
You know that everytime they go out to eat, he hints at her to not get the dessert and to stay away from the fries, but bitch just won’t listen because eating makes her happy, and eating makes all of us remember that the bitch you once wanted to fuck but were too scared to approach will one day end up 30 lbs fatter, washed-up and has been.
Today is Jennifer Love Hewitt’s day to shine. Cuddles.
There was a desperate seeking of her nipple, that was really just a shadow. It’s been established that everyone is obsessed with her boobs, because they look so big on her small frame. Now we have some bikini candids for you to check out. I am pretty indifferent about this one, because it is saturday, I am hung over and the only channel I have is playing “That 70’s Show”. It’s the episode where Kelso thinks he’s Travolta, and I want to kill myself. I also never really saw the Love Hewitt appeal, she has a big head and the one channel I have also plays ghostwhisperer, which was on last night, and made me want to kill myself. So if you’re feeling all done on your luck, like me, look at Love Hewitt, if she’s a bitch you wanna get with, and hopefully it will bring some joy to your life. My life is about making your life better.
