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Archive for the Uncategorized Category

2007

19

Jul

I am – Fergie’s Eyebrows of the Day

2 Comments »

Fergie

Our token Gay Blogger and my personal friend (only because I’m still clinging to the hope he will come play for our team…I heard he has a big wang) has been kind enough to grace us with another post via email. Clubs! Cocaine! Drag Queens! Read on….

I went to this drag bar last night and I was in the bathroom doing lines with this one performer, Kitty Litter. The funny thing about her is that during rest of the week she is actually a teacher at rather conservative Catholic high school but one night a week she gets all decked out in sequins and lip-syncs to Donna Summer songs for a bunch of screaming queens. If that’s what the teacher is doing, god only knows what the principle of that school does on his Tuesday nights.

So anyways, she and I are in the bathroom and she’s re-applying her makeup, (and of course by re-applying, I mean putting on foundation by the pound and making sure that her glittery hot-pink lipstick hasn’t smeared while she was wiping her nose) and I come to the realization that drag queens have a really fucked up idea of what a woman is. Now, I’m not going to get all fourth wave feminist on you (or whatever the hell wave those dykes are on) but I realized that these queens really have no idea what a woman is.

I know, I know they are supposed to be portraying a parody of a woman but not even the trashiest, whorish, cracked-out slut of woman would be caught dead wearing what these drag queens were wearing. No woman with any shred of self-respect or dignity would ever in a million years look like these drag queens. She would have to be the absolute bottom of the barrel, the most meth addicted piece of shit to even remotely resemble Kitty Litter or any other female impersonator.

Kitty Litter has the same eyebrows as Fergie.

Smooch!

Julien


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2007

18

Jul

I am – Bar Rafaeli in Wifebeater of the Day

2 Comments »

Bar Rafaeli

Since I have been drinking pretty heavily (expensive) lately, my lunch break consists of walking around for 30 minutes and maybe stealing ketchup packets from a Deli. Yesterday I decided to bum a smoke off some suit outside Starbucks, and was enjoying the buzz when this borderline-obese dogwalker yells at me, “Disgusting!” Now I am rarely called disgusting in broad daylight (and mostly only the internet). Well, yeah I find smoking disgusting too, but I actually quit a year ago and I just felt like a drag today. So I said, “Excuse me?” And this old fat chick with 12 dogs says, “Your shirt, it’s disgusting.” I look down, and i was wearing my “Mary is my homegirl” virgin shirt. “What?” I say. Fat dogwalker goes, “No respect, you kids…” or something.

And that’s when I got pissed and said, “We have freedom of speech in this country, and I have the right to wear anything that celebrates my Catholicism,” which was total bullshit. I bought the shirt in 2003 and now realized it was douchey but hadn’t done laundry and I wasn’t about to let some old bitch point out my shirt was retarded, whatever her reasoning.

That’s when fat dogwalker starts apologizing over and over, saying she was sorry, then goes on for 5 minutes about Jesus (not the beloved drunkenStepfather) while her 12 dogs are pissing everywhere, and she won’t let me get away. I finally lost it and said, “Sorry, i have to go, I am late for my abortion.”

That dogwalker would never have harassed Bar Rafaeli, mostly because she is a rich model and wouldn’t wear stupid ratty shirts, and she is Israeli and everyone knows Israelis can kick the shit out of you (they are like all commandos, seriously). She dated Leonardo DeCaprio and looks exactly like Giselle, which makes sense. Here she is wearing shorts and a teet-friendly tank in NYC yesterday. It’s your party now.

Obediently yours,

Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

EMAIL ME HERE


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2007

18

Jul

I am – David Beckham Feels Up Posh of the Day

9 Comments »

David Beckham Groping Posh

I leave the site for a week and next thing I know there are pictures of little kids up on this shit wishing them happy fucking birthdays. Last I checked that shit would have been deleted from my inbox, even though it would have been the only email I’ve ever got since leaving. The reason being that I don’t have patience for kids. I don’t post pictures of people under 18 on the site and because this site is for perverts and people who want to see Britney in a bikini and not see some slut’s kid. The reason I call her a slut is because she let someone drop load in her and not because she says her son is training to be a pimp for wearing a pair of sunglasses. If that little bastard was training to be a pimp, he’d be hustlin the playground getting the he female friends to pull down their diapers for a cookie, sunglasses would be a secondary though.

Speaking of kids, here are some pictures of David Beckham giving Posh a little diddle like he was her dad, or some pervert babysitting her, or her gym teacher, soccer coach, uncle or neighbor. I don’t think he’s doing it to make her feel good, he’s just going for the cunt to prove he’s not a faggot. I guess he could also be making her her dick is well hidden so the public don’t catch on to his little secret, or maybe she really is a robot and has a cunt like Barbie.

Either way, I figured I’d chime in to say I am still alive. Nothing too exciting has happened on the trip yet. I did give my stepdaughter creative control and shit like that post may not be what you’re lookin for when you come here, but she is doing a better job than I would have been doing from an internet connection that costs me 20 dollars for 20 minutes…now go fuck yourselves and stop bothering me while I am trying to decompress….asshole…

With Love
Jesus Martinez
drunkenstepfather.com
On Vacation….


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2007

18

Jul

I am – The Original Lohan Stalker of the Day

3 Comments »

Lindsay Lohan

So there’s a site I link who got Lohan’s email and found out that there are some sleazy pics of her floating around. All of a sudden, shit gets picked up on every major media outlet and he’s famous overnight. I have Lohan’s number and call her, leave her messages and stalk the bitch for 2 fucking years and no one ever picks up my story, I never become famous overnight and my self-esteem that is already pretty non-existant goes even further into shit….

This kind of thing makes me question what I do, and here are some pictures of Lohan in an almost see through because that’s all you want from me. Asshole.

Internet is too expensive for this so that’s the end of me for now….

With Love
Jesus Martinez
Drunkenstepfather.com
On Vacation….

ED. NOTE: She Looks fucking forty.


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2007

18

Jul

I am – Kimberly Stewart's Skirt Fights the Wind of the Day

No Comments »

Kimberly Stewart

I used to hate Kimberly Stewart, but as I thought about her more I realized she’s not so bad. Yeah, she is just another Hollywood socialite, but she accepts that. I never see her going to “acting” classes, or here about her putting out her new album, or going to work with AIDS babies in Africa, or becoming a “designer” and starting some bullshit clothing line she plans to sell for way more then it’s worth, cause we all know she’s really not a designer.

Kimberly Stewart accepts that her father is a rich old bastard, and that she just gets to run around shopping and going to night clubs, and be a famous idiot while the rest of us work all day and hate our lives. I know she modeled for a bit, but I mean that doesn’t count because you just get to be pretty and sit there. She knows she’s pretty much useless, but doesn’t try to be something she’s not and in a round about way, that shows her confidence just to be herself and be comfortable with it. I respect that.

There’s a lot to be said for confidence. I was out of town with my ex-boyfriend not long ago, and was hanging out at this bar when this midget came up to me and started running all this game and trying to take me home. He was short obviously, but pretty cute. When it came down to it. The thing that amazed me out of all of this was this dude had more confidence and skill with ladies then almost any other guy I have met, and he was a fucking midget for god sakes.

He was so comfortable and accepting of the fact that he was what he was, that after talking to him for 5 minutes, I almost forgot my initial thought path of wanting to see him wrestle in a ring. If I hadn’t have been with boy friend that night, I prolly would have gone home with him. What can I say? I would have liked to fuck a midget.


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Posted in:Kimberly Stewart|Uncategorized|Unsorted|Upskirt

2007

18

Jul

I am – Kimberly Stewart’s Skirt Fights the Wind of the Day

18 Comments »

Kimberly Stewart

I used to hate Kimberly Stewart, but as I thought about her more I realized she’s not so bad. Yeah, she is just another Hollywood socialite, but she accepts that. I never see her going to “acting� classes, or here about her putting out her new album, or going to work with AIDS babies in Africa, or becoming a “designer� and starting some bullshit clothing line she plans to sell for way more then it’s worth, cause we all know she’s really not a designer.

Kimberly Stewart accepts that her father is a rich old bastard, and that she just gets to run around shopping and going to night clubs, and be a famous idiot while the rest of us work all day and hate our lives. I know she modeled for a bit, but I mean that doesn’t count because you just get to be pretty and sit there. She knows she’s pretty much useless, but doesn’t try to be something she’s not and in a round about way, that shows her confidence just to be herself and be comfortable with it. I respect that.

There’s a lot to be said for confidence. I was out of town with my ex-boyfriend not long ago, and was hanging out at this bar when this midget came up to me and started running all this game and trying to take me home. He was short obviously, but pretty cute. When it came down to it. The thing that amazed me out of all of this was this dude had more confidence and skill with ladies then almost any other guy I have met, and he was a fucking midget for god sakes.

He was so comfortable and accepting of the fact that he was what he was, that after talking to him for 5 minutes, I almost forgot my initial thought path of wanting to see him wrestle in a ring. If I hadn’t have been with boy friend that night, I prolly would have gone home with him. What can I say? I would have liked to fuck a midget.


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2007

17

Jul

I am – stepMAIL of the Day

1 Comment »

Cute Kid

I got an email from one of our 2 female readers today. Apparently it’s her birthday, and like most moms in the world, everyone pretty much forgot or simply ignored it, including her husband (who is probably cheating on her with her sister right now)

Robin Wrote:

HI!
Today is my birthday, but I’m a mom, so no one gives a crap about me. The picture is my youngest, BTW. He’s training to be a pimp.

That being said, from Jesus Martinez, Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus), our token gay blogger Julien, Harley Houstan, Marie-Eve Martinez and everyone at drunkenstepfather.com, I want to wish you a very, very HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Also, when that pimp son of yours finally comes of age, drop us a line, I think Sugar Nell is itching to get back to work.

Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

2007

16

Jul

I am – Kim Kardashian Bikini Pictures of the Day

6 Comments »

Kim Kardishian Bikini

What’s up motherfuckers. I am not sure if you remember me. I am that asshole who abandoned you on the internet last week only to get some friends and family to post more content than I ever could, with more skill and style than I ever had. I guess what I did was throw some shit down to make you realize you don’t need me in an attempt to self-destruct the website so that I can spend my life on cruises that my wife wins at the grocery store because bitch is fat.

So far what I have realized on my trip is that I don’t have enough money to travel the way I want to travel. I don’t have any patience for flying and the whole fucking time I am in the air I think the fucking thing is going to drop out of the sky. I am not into places where people don’t speak english because it makes ordering a fucking drink pretty fucking impossible. I do like bikinis and all the hookers that are being thrown my way, not because I can even afford to bang one, or get hard for them and that is like putting a fat bitch in a buffet line where all the food is glued down to the table, but sex trade always makes me happy.

I feel pretty uninspired. Vacations make me stupid, I haven’t written a thing and feel rusty, just not as rusty as Kardashian’s ass after some black hip hop dude stuffs her like a Jamaican Patty without a condom on but I am never too uninspired to look at Kardashian tits in a bikini. This Armenian fashion accessory even haunts me when I am trying to get away from all this bullshit because her big tits distract me from the rest of her uselessness and as I have learned this week, good tits are good enough for me to overlook an ugly bitch….

Point of this post is to say that Internet on a cruise costs money and no matter how good this post coulda been, it’s never going to get there because I am on a budget… Now back to my stepdaughter Marie Eve, who is doing a great job. Cuddles.

With Love,

Jesus Martinez
Drunkenstepfather.com
On Vacation…


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2007

16

Jul

I am – Danielle Lloyd Bikini Pics of the Day

2 Comments »

Danielle Lloyd Bikini on Beach

By Hollywood standards, Danielle Lloyd is fat fucking cow who needs to loose weight, and that’s pretty sad, cause I think her body is slamming.

I hate giving in to this stupid thinness thing, but to be honest, I do and I hate myself for it. I don’t judge other people tho, just myself. I don’t mean to sound all after school special but this low body weight thing being perpetuated in Hollywood and the media is seriously starting to fuck with young girls, me being one of them. I don’t have an eating disorder or anything, but I basically feel guilty after anytime I eat and my version if dieting is basically just not eating at all.

I should really write a book or something about it so at least if I get some easting disorder and die, I can do so rich and rolling around in a big pile of money. You don’t need pills to loose to weight, nor do you need to even work out. All you need to is drill it into you head that nothing tastes as good as being thin feels, and watch the pounds melt I away.


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2007

16

Jul

I am – Brooke Hogan on Stage of the Day

6 Comments »

Brooke Hogan on Stage

I’m pretty sure some asshole tried to slip Rohypnol or god knows what in my drink on Saturday night, because after 2 beers I got pretty fukked up and sick and spent the day in bed puking and basicially immobile on Sunday. I still don’t feel right, so if I’m slow today, thats why.

I talked to Jesus on the weekend. He told me to tell you he’s enjoying the cruise he doesn’t miss you guys at all, and that in fact, he hates every last one of you. I think he even said he hated me at one point, but I’m not sure cause he was rambling and drunk from the all-you-can-drink liquor on the cruise ship and I just put the phone down and went to do my nails.

He did ask me to ask “that little homo friend� of mine Julien, to help me write for the site “because gay bloggers are the in thing now�. Julien and I have known each other since we were kids, and used to play dolls together. I had a crush on him until I was about 11, when I pulled down my pants in front of him and tried to seduce him, and he threw up on me and started to cry.

Julien Writes:

Now, like most faggots I’m more into bigger guys. You know, the classic gay muscle daddy, broad shoulders, muscular thighs etc. The problem with those guys is that they are usually only interested in other muscular guys. So when my skinny ass goes up to them at a club,
all cracked out and trying to start talking to them, they don’t give me the time of day. The only ones that do are the older guys with the gross moustache and receding hairline, which I’m totally not into but I usually go home with them anyway because, like all men gay or straight, I’ll pretty much take sex wherever I can get it.

That being said, Brooke Hogan would totally be my type if she had a dick, and I would let her fuck me, no condom. But unfortunately, I’d probably end up going with Hulk instead.


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