DrunkenStepFather.com - I'll Make You Famous…

2018

10

May

Elle Fanning’s Scary Tits of the Day

Elle Fanning has the weirdest fucking tit.

She’s scared me before, when I’ve tried to figure out the Fanning sister hustle…because the fanning sisters creep me the fuck out before seeing the tit…they are not normal looking people…and a product of their parents selling them the fuck out, making them celebrated, getting them work and the whole thing confuses me and has confused me for their entire existence…

They look like they were created in the lab, or like they are aliens sent to earth to penetrate American pop culture…and I don’t know what this tit looks like but I know I don’t like it…at all..

Is there a hole in her chest, was surgery involved, does she have a-cup saggers ,is that a pec?

Maybe wear turtle necks girl…not all tits are created equally…and just cuz you’ve won at life and live in a test-tube – doesn’t mean everything about you is good, celebrated, etc.

Posted in:Elle Fanning|SFW

2018

10

May

Sophie Mudd Big Tits of the Day

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Sophie Mudd is magic…or at least her big tits are…because her face is fucking weird looking, she’s like some kind of Vaccuum baby, you know vaccuum assisted birthing…or back in my day before suctioning out babies, we had Forceps baby….they just grabbed onto that face with those grips and pulled her her the fuck out…because she probably had big tits then..

But who cares about a face, when you’ve got the silliest fucking tits on a skinny frame, making moves as Kanye’s YEEZY girl, doing things like showing her tits on social media…

It’s nice to see Rat Cow get replaced with another weird face, who doesn’t have a weird bellybutton.

It’s Sophie Mudd’s time to shine…and unfortunately for us it doesn’t involve any MUDD WRESTLING..at least not for any of us…but she objectifies herself just the same and that is great…

Posted in:SFW|Sophie Mudd

2018

10

May

Selma Blair Swimsuit of the Day

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This just in – Selma Blair is not Sophia Bush….

But she is Selma Blair…and she is in a bathing suit in Cannes…because I guess she’s still in the scene or maybe she fucks / dates / married a producer…

The last time we say Selma Blair was not when she was in Cruel Intentions, but maybe it was, I don’t remember anything else she’s been in, but I feel like she must have been in other things…

It was at Art Basel, so she’s doing the hipster instagram socialite thing, attending all the key events…and that’s what this about….

Oh wait, this is Palos Verdes California…she’s not at CANNES at all.

Aren’t you glad we worked through this one together.

Posted in:Selma Blair|SFW

2018

10

May

Noah Cyrus Bikini of the Day

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Noah Cyrus is Miley Cyrus’ brother / cousin / granny / we know about them backwoods hicks…

You can take the hick out of the Ozarks of Kentucky….but you can’t take their dicks out of their sisters…who are also the town’s stripper…unless the Miley / Noah Cyrus mom was actually just some cocktail waitress who groupied on Achy Breaky by getting her pussy filled with his CUM early on creating Miley….before the family went Beverly Hillbillies…

So we don’t know if this one is INBRED, we just know she’s doing slutty content like her older sister…because she is far removed from their backwoods roots…and is LA hipster about it…and she’d have to be because she’s so fucking ugly looking…which I guess could be from being inbred…we’d have to scope her out to see if she has all her toenails…

Posted in:noah cyrus|SFW

2018

10

May

Olivia Culpo See Through of the Day

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Every single instagram model, who has mastered instagram however the fuck they’ve managed to master instagram…maybe they dated Dan Bilzarian, or maybe they were in a music video with their awesome tits out, or maybe they were just early and on the explore page, but smart enough to say “I’m a blogger”…without even having a blog..because I am a blogger and I know first hand no one gives a fuck about bloggers…they give a fuck about social media feeds and within social media comes celebrities in that ecosystem…and I wouldn’t say CULPO is one of them…but it seems like people pay her a lot of money to do things…

But it’s nice to know she’s still a bottom feeding whore putting her see through dress on to be “classy but provocative”…even though I spot opportunist dick sucking trash a mile a way…

Her last attempt at legitimacy was when she dated a New England Patriot during the Super Bowl, I don’t think that could have been a better situation for her, I mean provided dude knocked her up and didn’t realize she was just using him as a prop for her instagram – whilst making herself more famous….so she got dumped and here she is in see through recovering from that marketing re-routing…

Garbage…definitely.

Posted in:Olivia Culpo|SFW

2018

10

May

Tallia Storm Bikini Cameltoe of the Day

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Tallia Storm is some big thighed Scottish singer who has a publicist mother – who was smart enough to train her daughter to whore herself out…at events like Cannes where this is her third or fourth year attending…working the paparazzi by jacking bikini bottoms up her cunt…because that is how you get noticed, increase her profile and exist in this world filled with noise..

Also clever to use the whole Scottish thing as an angle, big fish small pond, maximize local media and eventually break through to the mainstream…

If you have a busty 18 year old teen girl near you to exploit…the world is your fucking oyster…and here’s Tallia Storm’s oyster eating bikini bottoms…

Posted in:SFW|Tallia Storm

2018

10

May

Jamie King Spreading Her Legs of the Day

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Jamie King was some Heroin addict titty model who’s boyfriend died back when she was a heroin addict titty model..in the 90s when heroin addict titty models were a thing…

She was a “hipster it girl”…who somehow (her tits) went on to be some kind of celebrity in movies, but you can’t take the heroin addict sex worker out of a person’s core…they are built on that…it is their foundation.

Even as a mom pushing 40, she’s all spread legged wanting you to look at her soul, or try to see her womb, or get excited by her meaty lady parts….because when you’re a sex worker who has made it in whatever capacity this one has made it…y

I guess what it comes down to is – who the fuck cares about Jamie King.

Posted in:Jamie King|SFW

2018

10

May

Aubrey O’Day Hard Nipples of the Day

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Aubrey O’Day is working pretty hard at her comeback tour…

I know taking a slutty picture of yourself half naked isn’t really working hard…but she’s in her 30s and had to spend at least 6 months and a lot of money on the surgeries that made her look like this…as part of her comeback tour…

Then there’s the whole no one caring about her at all…so she needed a top tier scandal to matter….which took orchestrating…

And then there’s the whole getting into a bathing suit, and showing up somewhere,to have pics taken…which for a lazy bitch can be a struggle…

I think the life lesson in all this is that thanks to surgery, you call all look like french Canadian muppet looking strippers….at an affordable rate…and that you should never give up being the slut you are at your core…because there’s always more slut in you…

Posted in:Aubrey O'Day|SFW

2018

10

May

Patricia Contreras Nip Slip of the Day

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I don’t know who Patricia Contreras is…

But you can see her nipple…slipping out of her dress…which in this era doesn’t really matter, bitches are putting their nipples out on the internet all day, but to an old timer like me, who remembers an era of no nipples being slipped, I get nostalgic remembering when moments like this were massive, important, exciting and amazing…

Patricia Contreras, whoever you are, thanks for reminding me of what matters….what it’s all about…why I get up everyday….

I mean I don’t actually care, but what the fuck else was I going to write about Patricia Contreras….

Patricia Contreras is back at it, skinny mexican “actress” with the big tits lets her nipples loose on the red carpet at cannes – how did she even get in?

Posted in:Patricia Gloria Contreras|Uncategorized

2018

10

May

Willa Holland Tits Out of the Day

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Willa Holland was the younger sister on the O.C., which was a show I watched when it was on TV, because it gave me something to talk to college girls about, since I had nothing better to talk to college girls about, because even a decade ago, they were dumb, self involved cunts, with little to no substance, who relied on weekly TV shows and dumb punchlines from dumb movies as a starting point in a conversation… to really feel like they had enough of a connection to sit on your face later that night…

I mean I was in my 40s….and I guess what the fuck else were we to do with each other….in an era before everyone was online and we couldn’t just Facebook friend, selfie and tag each other on instagram or tinder, it required actual work to get laid like “OMG Marissa was such a bitch to Seth Last Week”…you know the shit that really makes a girl tick at her fucking core…because women are idiots…

Either way, the unmemorable “Marissa’s little sister”…lives in LA…is dating or married to an instagram photographer who blocked me, because I guess he felt he hit the big time with this one….and I guess he did because she’s Brian DePalma’s stepdaughter or some shit, which is pretty iconic, and only because it means her mom is a groupie gold digging whore…who stage parents and created whatever this smoking instagram naked for attention this is…

Good times. Great Times.

Posted in:SFW|Willa Holland