This guy is probably one of you. Happy Easter. Welcome back Jesus, that’s me talking to myself because I was fucking sick all weekend, in bed, dying and hating my life. Unlike this guy who’s got it goin’ on. All the single ladies, find him and hit him up, I think he’s a fuckin’ catch.
I am sick as fuck. I am a week into this shit and there is no end in sight. The girl at the dog park I went to, hoping to get some single, lonely, 30 something with a big dog to replace the need to have a man in her life, unfortunately, the closest I got was some bull dyke with a pit bull who called me a pussy for having a gay dog. I need a nap. Here are my links, fuckers.
If You’re Gonna Waste The Weekend, You May As Well Do It Right With Some Hot Half Naked Girls GO
Stevie Nicks is Crushing Lindsay Lohan’s Dreams GO
Hot Iron + Choco Bunny = Happy Easter, Mother Fuckers GO
Annalynne McCord’s got a couple latch ons and they are her sisters. I guess she got the gig on 90210 and everyone in the family celebrated because it meant riding her new found fame and success as hard as they all can to get into parties and clubs and feel like they are famous too, while doing it in a shitty see through dress.
I don’t know her name, but it doesn’t really matter, I already hate her and hope the end is near for all those motherfuckers and I don’t mean death, I just mean that they get sent back to the suburb they came from, not that we should even care that much, I am just feeling sensitive.
This souless cunt was out self-promoting and the paparazzi fed into her shit by taking pictures. She pulled up in a luxury car and danced around lip syncing her bullshit song while Spencer Pratt videotaped it, trying to promote her shit and get some buzz, despite it being kitchen fucking garbage, like her boobjob.
The lies are starting to get to me, I mean all I can think about is hate fucking her until she stops resisting under me. Maybe that sounds violent, but not as violent as how she rapes me everyfucking day with her bullshit.
There’s gotta be a video about this somewhere, google it.
Mischa Barton was in Montreal. I went on a hunt for her because she wouldn’t answer my twitters and no one I knew could help me get in touch with her, so this is my post to say she’s a fucking cunt, she thinks she’s better than me because she was on some TV show, she was in some movies, she has a lot of money and guys want to fuck her sloppy asshole, giving her this ego, well we could have had something real special but she just threw it all away. Bitch.
Miranda Kerr is in her lingerie for some ad because she’s a bikini model. I am not in lingerie for some ad because I am not a bikini/lingerie model, I just wear the shit because it makes me feel pretty. Fuck you.
Here is Katy Perry playing up the lesbian shit with a lip purse that she’s holding where her vagina would be, if her pussy lips weren’t thin like the lips on her face, she just doesn’t realize if she’s trying to be funny she should rotate that shit 90 degrees. See that’s me being a mathmetician. I am dyin. I have a hangover and I can’t figure out anything funny to say about this pig and her pussy purse, but I’ll put the pictures up anyway.
I like everything that comes out of Mike Tyson’s mouth. I’ve watched his documentary, I’ve watched some HBO bullshit about him. I’ve heard that cunt Robin Givens trying to bring him the fuck down, pretending he is a woman beater, or that girl he raped who got him arrested, instead of just embracing it for bragging rights that Tyson cock was violently being jabbed and upper-cutted into her, like any normal groupie would.
Either way, he’s talking about beating up Don King, because out of all the people out there, Don King and his greasy hands are who really fucked him up the most….
Rumor is that Lindsay and Samantha broke up. Lindsay seems to be taking these times of trouble pretty well, you know since she hasn’t killed herself. That’s always a good sign and Samantha has been off hanging with the Good Charlotte sisters because they make anyone feel better about themselves. Whenever I feel bad, I just google image search their suburban tattoos and it usually helps me pull the knife away from my wrist.
But that’s not the point, the point is the paparazzi are on Lohan’s dick, because she’s a superstar, and they want exclusives, and as she asks them to get off her property, she calls my name, in some kind of desperation. “jesus”….the words just roll off her tongue in some kind of beautiful angelic tone, like the sky has opened up and I have become the chosen one, and by beautiful angelic tone, I mean throaty and tobacco damaged…
When was the last time Lohan said your name in a paparazzi video, I’m thinking never. So don’t be jealous.
Sure Lohan has no idea I exist, but what’s that got to do with anything. Subconscious man…it’s some deeper shit than you’ll ever understand.
Fine she wasn’t saying my fucking name, she was using Jesus, our lord a savior’s name, you know the motherfucker who died for your sins and had a whore mother who lied to her husband about cheating on him, claiming this whole divine conception, or whatever other bullshit she spewed to save her marriage, and that’s okay, it’s Easter, she’s been all jewed out all these months, it’s time to remind her about her Christian roots.
But you gotta admit, if she did say my name in a paparazzi video, it’d be pretty cool.
I couldn’t start today off without something holy to me and that was a rub and tug massage. I got it with my birthday money from some hot young Asian who jerks off dick better than I can or really better than anyone I’ve ever met can, maybe because in the 19 years of her life, she’s been bred to be this master of the dick, you know trained by generations of family secret moves, you know starting off on a banana at the age of 5, when her mother and grandmother who own the place felt she was ready to take it on.
I figure that religion is a whole lot of horseshit and this video of some crazy Catholic image, like people getting crucified to let Jesus know they care, that he is their savior, that he died for their sins. Sure, my name is Jesus, but that doesn’t mean I’m into this shit, give me some cocktails and some tail that does cock and I’ll get down and prey, if by prey she means cum all over her little asian ass for an extra 5 dollars. Word.