DrunkenStepFather.com - I'll Make You Famous…

Sara Sampaio Shows Off her Pussy in Tight Pants Under the Guise that it is a Fitness Video of the Day

Industry Flesh Puppet Jessica Alba Propagandizes for the Machine of the Day

Sydney Sweeney is Glamour’s Woman of the Year of the Day

Paige Spiranac Feeling Herself Up of the Day

Margaret Qualley is Hot for an Ugly Chick of the Day

2008

Dec

Michael Lohan Wrote Me An Email of the Day

17 Comments »

Lohan’s dad’s started up a blog of some sort and sent out a release to a bunch of sites, mine not included, so I took it upon myself to email him stating I have the best site and should be on his email list, not that it makes any difference to me, considering he’s a fucking nobody and this is what he wrote to me:

From: Mike Lohan
Subject: Re: wtf
Date: December 29, 2008 3:10:14 PM GMT-05:00
To: info@drunkenstepfather.com

The “best one”???? Are you kdding? IThe reason I have my website is because of people like you.
How can you say such disgusting and horrible things about people. Nevertheless Lindsay.
Let me tell you something Buid, you need to seriuosly look at your heart and thank God that I will only fight for charity. If I didn’t have so much to look forward to in life and for God, I might just look you up. That’s my daughter you are saying such digusting things about, and whether we have differnces or not, she is still my flesh and blood. Watch your step and your mouth!
maybe you should seek some spiritual guidance.

My response….because he’s a fucking child….and spells like a fucking child….

Mike,

I see where your daughter gets her emotional instability from. Not only did you rob her of a childhood, but you also robbed her of a paternal figure. Why do you think she was rumored to have had so many illicit relationships with men, why do you think she’s now a lesbian. Daddy issues. You fucking suck as a parent and I can only assume as a person.

So don’t tell me what I say is disgusting or spiritually void. I do satire, comedy, sure it’s at the expense of others, sure it’s not tasteful or classy, sure no one finds it funny but me, but I go to bed, knowing that the only life I’ve ruined has been my own and not a helpless little girl I brought into the world, who had talent, potential and the opportunity that you destroyed.

I hope for her sake, she stays as far away possible from you and your self indulgence, your self destruction, your sociopathic behavior, your total disregard to anything human and more importantly you exploitative ways. You’re a fucking hypocrite trying to throw got down my throat, where was god when you were cheating on your family making bastard babies you won’t parent, where was god when you were drinking yourself and going to fucking jail.

Keep trying to ride her wave and claim you found Jesus you fucking cunt, when we all know you’re just a useless piece of shit who is better off hanging from the fucking rafters of the attic of his home his daughter sold her soul to buy for him.

Get some fucking perspective you fucking pig of a person, and stop crying for attention like you did to your daddy when you were a child and when your daddy and everyone around you liked everyone else but you.

Maybe you should get back on the coke you used to use your daughter’s money to buy, maybe that will distract you from always trying to be in the media, because the prescription pills you’re and you’re already going to hell, so sort it the fuck out, cocksucker.

So, what’s it like whoring out your daughter? Is it what I’ve always dreamt it would be? And for the record, you’re daughter is one of my best friends, she just doesn’t know it yet.

I hope your website fails, like everything else in your useless life has. Welcome to my world.

That said, maybe we can work together. Your first assignment is to send me some hot nude pics of Dina. Thanks in advance.

PS – Nice Rolex, you pay for that shit yourself? Or did Mean Girls cover that one, you pansy ass turtleneck, cellphone belt attachment, Seifeld lookin’ motherfucker.

PPS – I know you, Lindsay and Samantha are all in this together for media attention, negative publicity, and I just bit the bait. Fuck you for that.

ppps – Real men don’t read gossip sites, what’s that say about you? Maybe that you’re not a real man? Maybe that your daughter learned about vaginas by accidentally walking in on you while you were taking a shower.

pppps – this is getting boring….

With Love,
Jesus Martinez
Drunkenstepfather.com
————————————–

And that was the end of that….

Posted in:Michael Lohan

2008

Dec

Naomi Campbell’s Got a Russian Billionaire of the Day

9 Comments »

Vladislav Doronin is some Russian Real Estate Billionaire. I didn’t know Russian Billionaires existed. Maybe he’s Russian Mob. I know they exist, one of them showed me his gun once while I worked as a valet where he parked his mom’s shitty car. I am guessing he wasn’t some Russian Billionaire, but probably the lowest on the fucking ladder, but at least he had a gun and a pony tail.

But I guess during the fall of communism a whole lot of people came out on top, maybe by buying the land off the government to make non-communist buildings, like for stores and restaurants and shit like that and by the looks of this dude he probably built his first couple buildings with his teeth.

Naomi Campbell managed to bag him because as you know, being a cunt who thinks she’s a fucking princess, landing a billionaire is the only thing she doesn’t already have and the only thing she can’t afford and is the way she’ll ever be satisfied. You know, for a cunt who’s got everything and a whole lot of money, the last thing on the list was a billionaire to make her cunt complete and like my friend down the street who needed a wife, she went to Russia, because I guess that’s where you go to find mates, his wasn’t a billionaire though, she was some ragged looking prostitute who didn’t shower and didn’t look like the picture he chose out of the catalog and when she got here wasn’t much of a wife, because everyone got a chance to fuck her, even me!

Either way, the only way I could understand why a Russian Billionaire would bother getting with this bitch, not only is she old and tired and not even a model anymore, but she’s got a history of being fucking crazy, and for someone who could go for any currently active model, celebrity, or everyday girl, or multiple everyday girls, or multiple celebrities, or multiple models, there’s no explanation for this.

Maybe all that money has made him hate himself for the things he did to get there, or maybe he’s fucking crazy, or maybe she reminds him of some dictator or leader who issued the rationed bread in his one room home his family of 12 grew up in where they’d share cabbage soup and a potato they baked on a government issued candle before tending to the fields or sleeping in a puddle of water in the middle of winter, where his boss would whip him and throw oxen feces at his face because he didn’t work fast enough, but I don’t really know either of them so I can’t be the judge of why they are together, maybe it’s love, I think it’s got more to do with a sadistic need to have an uncontrollable wife, but I can say having two beach boys in speedos tending to your needs is pretty fucking gay…

Here are those pics…

Posted in:Bikini|Billionaire|Naomi Campbell

2008

Dec

Lohan Getting in Cars With Boys of the Day

5 Comments »

Here’s a video of Lohan getting into a car after getting her haircut. Yep. My life is this pathetic. Actually, it gets even worse than this…I mean why the fuck would anyone give a shit about seeing Lohan getting in a fucking car if her tits aren’t out, her pussy isn’t demonstrating stunts, or she’s not ripping fucking lines while drinking a bottle of vodka and dancing on the fucking bar.

Posted in:Lindsay Lohan

2008

Dec

Salma Hayek Smokes Unlit Cigarettes in Front of Her Kid of the Day

17 Comments »

So Salma Hayek smokes unlit cigarettes outside when she pushes her baby in a stroller, or pretends to cuz the cameras are there and doesn’t want to look like a mexican treating a motherfucker like a mexican, and I have a feeling this is going to be big news on those shitty tabloid shows that pollute your TV at 7 pm, more than unlit cigarettes pollute little babies. I seriously hated the dramatic performances that health addict hypocrites would make everytime I lit up in a non-smoking section, before they changed the fucking law because they health addict hypocrites don’t shut the fuck up, like you used to fuck up my meals. But the truth is that the air in NYC or LA is worse that the air of an unsmoked cigaretter 5 feet away from a kid, the pesticides in foods, and the vaccines that cause autism, also worse than an unlit cigarette. A molesting uncle, a bitter divorce, a broken home, even a public school education or a mother who pumps too much money into its hand to avoid having to spend time with it, is also worse than an unlit cigarette, polluted water is also worse than unlit cigarettes, so stop being fucking pussies. When I was this kid’s age I was fucking smoking already, and when I wasn’t, I was in vans and other closed window places with people who were smoking, and nothing happened to me. And the important thing is to remember what this kid did to Hayek’s body, and how he ruined the sloppy shit she had going for her, by making it more sloppy and deserves a to die or at least suffer a little, maybe with some pediatric cancer…..and I make that joke okay by saying I donated 2 dollars to the Kid’s Wish Foundation at the pharmacy earlier today. I have a cardboard star to prove it.

Posted in:Baby|Salma Hayek|Smoker

2008

Dec

Some Guy’s Wife Burns His Dick Off Cuz He Cheated on Her of the Day

8 Comments »

Same story, man cheats, wife goes fucking crazy and catches his dick on fire, kills him all to let him know how much of a bastard he is because she can’t deal with the fact that she doesn’t turn him on anymore, and the whole thing sounds better than a blowjob from my wife because she’s disgusting.

Posted in:Crazy Wife|Revenge

2008

Dec

Kelly Rowland’s Fake Tits in a Bikini of the Day

6 Comments »

Two people asked me if I was gay this weekend. Maybe the meds brought out the showtune performing poofter in me, maybe it was the fact that I was offering to send them a video of me fucking a tranny like she was Audrina Patridge, by sucking on her dick, which for the record, doesn’t exist, at least not that I know of, but I think it has to do with me constantly ripping apart female celebrity vagina, but not the kind of vagina ripping I am into, like it was my fucking job, not that it is, because I am not into work, for their imperfections. One guy asked me when I was going to turn the site into a Lance Bass Dancing with the stars man-pussy fan site, because I never say anything positive about these famous sluts, and I act like none of them are up to my standards, like I was trying to cover something up, like homosexuality, but it’s just strategy man, I try to lower their self esteem to increase my chances of licking their assholes while Lance Bass strokes his dick in the corner, because sex without Lance Bass is not sex at all, no matter what your orientation is, true story.

Here’s Kelly Rowland in her bikini…with her modest fake tits, with a fat chick to make her look skinny all because she’s insecure, the way i like them.

Posted in:Bikini|Fake Tits|Kelly Rowland

2008

Dec

Elle Macpherson Rocks a Bikini of the Day

4 Comments »

Elle Macpherson is like an old friend to me. One I haven’t spoken to in a long time, but who’s pictures I like to revisit every chance I get. I could say I’ve done coke off her tits while vactioning on a yacht, during a break from plunging my dick in her plump meaty australian pussy, like a plumber trying to unclog a toilet that my wife has assaulted it in some kind of shitting fight to the death that the toilet sadly lost, but I don’t like bragging, especially when it is of romance novel style masturbation fantasies because those are meant for girls, but here are some pictures of Elle showing off that body I wanted in 1988 and after 20 years of failure on my part later, she still keeping up her end of the deal, on a side note, in 3 days, we’ll have to make that 21 years of failure on my part. Either way, here are the pics.

Posted in:Bikini|Elle Macpherson|old

2008

Dec

stepLINKS of the Day

2 Comments »

I fell on ice when I was drunk. I heard a crack. Everytime I breath, I feel nothing but pain and cracking of bones. It is broken and I am on meds and still in pain, but meds make it not so bad. Sure I smell like shit and can’t stand, sit or lie down, but it’s all good baby but I’d like to say fuck you to winter.

Here are my links from Friday, they are late, blame my frail bones and uncoordinated drunken swagger, but most importantly…blame it on God for doing this to me.

Courtney Love Makes Me Feel as Normal As Can Be
GO

Hey Jessica Biel, You’re Not Funny, Just Ugly!
GO

Audrina Patridge Panty Upskirt Throwback
GO

Guitar Hero: Metallica
GO

Santa Academy
GO

Porn, What Is It Good For?
GO

Ann Angel is in a Winter Wonderland
GO

Mr.Clean Does More Than Clean Your House
GO

Shauna Sand Dresses Down for Christmas
GO

Rally Corner Fail
GO

Eliza Dushku is Topless in Some Movie
GO

Lily Allen Tit Flash Throwback
GO

Find Girls to Fuck – Because Sex is a Two Person Activity
GO

Dita Von Tease Gets Her Granny On
GO

Britney Spears Sneaks Out For Sex Like a 14 Year Old Girl
GO

2008 As Told Visually By the Olsens
GO

Behind the Scenes With Angelica Bell
GO

Micaela Strips Down
GO

Streaker At a Basketball Game
GO

Prince William Makes Homeless Sexy…Or Something
GO

Garbage Can Lid Prank
GO

Daniella Pearl is Red Carpet Ready
GO

Shopping Cart VS Dumpster
GO

When Lightening Strikes
GO

There May Not Be Moxing Day Deals, But You Get Your Money’s Worth All Year Long
GO

Family Pranks Kid on Christmas Morning
GO

Santa Drops In
GO

Use This To Get Sex..Because Sex is Fun
GO

Kate Bosworth Bikini Moment
GO

Blonde Does Herself a Favor
GO

Miley Cyrus Doesn’t Think She is Rich Enough Already
GO

Lydia Hearst Christmas Costume Throwback
GO

Sophie Howard and Rosie Jones Sex Tape
GO

Your Wife Will Kill You
GO

May As Well Get Them Started Early
GO

Leah Takes Off the SHort Short
GO

Katy Perry Bikini Pics
GO

Hack Your Facebook Chat
GO

Porn You Wish You Never Saw
GO

Ass Fingering Illusion….
GO

ROGUE COLLECTOR’S PHOTOBUCKET FINDS….

Some Chick in Some Conservative Amateur Nudes
http://s48.photobucket.com/albums/f221/relpoops/

Some Chick Showing off Her Tits in a Pretty Deep V-Neck Dress
GO

Some Slut – Obviously On Drugs…
GO

Posted in:stepLINKS

2008

Dec

Katy Perry is a Pig in a Bikini of the Day

32 Comments »

Anyone who thinks this pig has a hot body, is probably stupid enough to buy her fucking records or download her tunes off iTunes, and thanks to you, you made her rich and famous, because when I look at this shit, and I mean actual fucking feces, of a girl, I have no choice but to wonder what is wrong with our world to let this happen. Seriously, when I found out about genocide and dying Aids babies and corrupt government, and companies ripping us off, and the economic crisis and innocent people getting raped and murdered and all the wars that have gone down and pretty much everything else inhumane that is actually totally human about the world, I wasn’t even close to as shocked as I am seeing these pictures of her and being forced to remind myself that she’s one of the biggest things in music today, even though her songs rape me every fucking day and her bikini top looks like it’s a New Orleans Levi before right around the time Katrina hit, seriously, if she drops that top and those DD’s can kill a small child or Verne Troyer if they were standing next to her. It’s too bad she can’t take some of that loose titty skin and put it in her bikini bottoms, cuz her ass is as useless as her….

That said, I’d totally fuck her without a condom because everything I’ve fucked to date has looked a lot worse than this and I guess that says a lot about me and why I hate my fucking life…so here is Katy Perry in my hometown of Mexico.

Posted in:Bikini|Katy Perry|Pig

2008

Dec

Santa Baby…Christmas Death of the Day

3 Comments »

I was listening to the radio the last 4 days trying to get into the Christmas Spirit and this Santa Baby shit would hit every couple hours and I listened to the words and couldn’t believe how materialistic shit was. She was looking for a duplex, checks, a deed to a platinum mine, she wanted Santa to trim her Christmas Tree, which I assumed she meant her cunt, with TIffany, and the whole thing offended me. I figured what kind of message was this bringing to the women of generations, putting ridiculous pressure on their boyfriends and husbands to spoil them, and the whole thing pissed me off and while I was freaking out at this bitch for doing this to the men around the world, she was busy dying.

Her name was Eartha Kitt, she was 81 and she lost her battle to cancer on Christmas Day which I guess is the opposite of a Christmas Miracle, but appropriate since Christmas gave her a career and made her and her song a legend, might as well ask Santa Baby for death and put you out of your misery when you’ve reached the end of the road and after he’s already given you pretty much everything else you ever wanted by letting you use his name and image in a song without asking for any royalties, while letting you become rich off the shit. Either way, RIP Motherfucker is well deserved for this OG (original gold digger).

Posted in:Eartha Kitt|RIP Motherfucker