I'll Make You Famous…
 
 

2007

20

Jul

I am – Monica Cruz in a Bikini of the Day

Monica Cruz

After work, I walked the 1.5 miles home and lost the will to live/ get laid. This is what I came across.

— a little boy fell off his skateboard skateboard while talking on his shiny Razr
— a pregnant woman with a gremlin face (condoms, please)
— a homeless man was washing his leper feat with water out of a McDonald’s cup
— an old man and his Woody Allen Voice yelling into his phone “You are my girlfriend, why are you treating me this way?” (mystery)
— a man pushing a dog in a hot pink stroller
— a 10 year old girl kicked a pigeon
— a Bentley with a license plate reading “CAVITY” (search?)

It felt like i was living in some fucked up combo of ‘Twin Peaks’ and ‘The Truman Show.’ I Got home, took some pills, drank. If I hadn’t been for my vibrator, I would have done myself in. It’s fancy. It has a clit stimulator.

So I am not hurting so much anymore, but you’ll be hurting for Monica Cruz on the beach in Ibiza wearing a bikini. Seriously, let’s talk about the charmed life. Your big sister, who is arguably less hot than you, makes it big as Tom Cruise’s beard, and you don’t have to work your way to fame, just sit their and look pretty. Nicely done, you hot, Spanish minx.

Obediently yours,

Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

EMAIL ME HERE


UPDATE: Here’s some ones of Penny too. Who do you love?


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Posted in:Beach|Bikini|Monica Cruz|Penelope Cruz|Unsorted

2007

20

Jul

I am – Britney Spears Being Classy of the Day Part 2

Britney Spears

It’s getting to the point where as much as I want to write something funny about her, I’m almost so fucking shocked that she runs around doing what she does, and I just don’t know what to say. You know the whole wanting to look away from a car wreck thing, but can’t etc. I’m sure we’ve all been there and you get it.

I have a friend name Sean who gets laid probably more then anybody I know. The funny thing is that, by general standards, he isn’t the best looking guy in the traditional sense. Still tho, he accepts himself for what he is and wears his ugliness like a well earned medal of honor, and chicks pick up on that, and it a fucked up way, that’s what makes him attractive. And I mean he don’t sleep with fucking pigs either, he gets like girls that average an 8/10 or higher. He’s got charisma that is actually quite humbling to watch, and if I didn’t know him for as long as I have, I’m sure I would have given him a go by now as well. There’s a lot of be said for confidence, and if you ever decide you want to loose your virginity, you should think about that, for real.

Being white trash and so full of yourself to the point that just seriously have no concept in regards to how you are viewed by other people in the world is just some fucking next level shit that I am still very, very far off from understanding. I am definitely way to hungover to wrap my head around it right now. I don’t think Sean in all his wisdom would even understand this, though maybe I should ask him when we go out tonight. He owes for 40$ and it will be a good lead in to warm him up to the part where I’m like “Oh, by the way WHERE THE FUCK IS MY MONEY?!?�

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez


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2007

20

Jul

I am – Vida Guerra’s Ass of the Day

Vida Guerra

I used to be super into sports and being active when I was around 15, until I realized that smoking pot in the schooyard with my friends and being outside in the sun fuking around was a hell of a lot more fun then being inside getting yelled by Coach. I was real good at Basketball and Volleyball, but I generally just don’t have that killer instinct when it comes to winning and when we would loose a game and Coach would yell at us, I would just b all “Yeah, whatever.� And go outside to smoke and send text messages and find out where the party was at.

A lot of the other problem was that I hated the fact that all the sports kids rolled together at school, and that I didn’t fit in with sporty-bitch-cunt girls, nor was I interested in fucking the meathead-jock-assholes who ran around date raping the girls I went to school with, who thought by fucking those idiots it would make them popular or some shit. So I ended up quitting sports all together, and even though the assholes didn’t want to date rape me for the most part which was good (but also didn’t matter cause that shit had already happened when I was 14 anyways and traumatized me forever, more on that later). The chicks however, did end up wanting to kick the shit out of me on a regular basis and I don’t believe in fighting for the part and spent most of highschool watching my ass, and I really don’t give a shit if you call me a pussy, because people who run around picking fights need to grow the fuck up. Eventually once I became a senior I was taller then all of them and also punch one square in the face at a party who was fucking with a younger chick. None of them fucked with me after that.

Alas, instead of staying in the sports game, getting a scholarship or something y, and ending up with an ass like Vida Guerra from working out so much and being fit, I ended up developing photos during my lunch hour to avoid fist fights, getting a job writing for all 6 of you reading out there and not getting to go to a state college. Overall, I do think I ended up with a pretty nice ass tho.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez


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Posted in:Ass|Unsorted|Vida Guerra

2007

20

Jul

I am – Vida Guerra's Ass of the Day

Vida Guerra

I used to be super into sports and being active when I was around 15, until I realized that smoking pot in the schooyard with my friends and being outside in the sun fuking around was a hell of a lot more fun then being inside getting yelled by Coach. I was real good at Basketball and Volleyball, but I generally just don’t have that killer instinct when it comes to winning and when we would loose a game and Coach would yell at us, I would just b all “Yeah, whatever.” And go outside to smoke and send text messages and find out where the party was at.

A lot of the other problem was that I hated the fact that all the sports kids rolled together at school, and that I didn’t fit in with sporty-bitch-cunt girls, nor was I interested in fucking the meathead-jock-assholes who ran around date raping the girls I went to school with, who thought by fucking those idiots it would make them popular or some shit. So I ended up quitting sports all together, and even though the assholes didn’t want to date rape me for the most part which was good (but also didn’t matter cause that shit had already happened when I was 14 anyways and traumatized me forever, more on that later). The chicks however, did end up wanting to kick the shit out of me on a regular basis and I don’t believe in fighting for the part and spent most of highschool watching my ass, and I really don’t give a shit if you call me a pussy, because people who run around picking fights need to grow the fuck up. Eventually once I became a senior I was taller then all of them and also punch one square in the face at a party who was fucking with a younger chick. None of them fucked with me after that.

Alas, instead of staying in the sports game, getting a scholarship or something y, and ending up with an ass like Vida Guerra from working out so much and being fit, I ended up developing photos during my lunch hour to avoid fist fights, getting a job writing for all 6 of you reading out there and not getting to go to a state college. Overall, I do think I ended up with a pretty nice ass tho.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez


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Posted in:Ass|Unsorted|Vida Guerra

2007

19

Jul

I am – stepLINKS of the Day

stepLINK July 19/07

I went to get a sandwich today with my friend, and it was great but I got really full you know, like to full in some ways. The thing about me is I have a really weak gag reflex (but only when it comes to gross shit, not for head or anything). As I’m walking down the street we turn the corner and theres this bum throing up on a wall, but this was some serious vomit. I don’t think I have ever seen this much vomit come out of a person, and trust me, I have seen a lot of people puking in my 18 years.

So right away, I’m all “I’m gonna hurl, I’m gonna hurl!� and my friend is all “Nono, don’t do it!� and I started dry heavy really bad about ten feet passed where this dude was still puking. Now also remember that this is on a busy city street, Thursday afternoon at 3, so there’s loads of people walking by, watching me dry heaving and wondering what’s up and then looking passed me to see this bum loosing his insides on the wall of the pizza place. It was truly a Kodak moment.

Here’s the links, click them and I’ll give you a kiss.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez

Meat or Malady?
GO

How To: Rig a coin operated machine and never pay for laundry again
GO

More of the mess that is Britney Spears
GO

Tom Cruise is a Nazi
GO

Could somebody shit this fucking bitch up please?
GO

Pretty cool stunt with a Mini
GO

Paris Hilton has great choice in men
GO

Your mom is a slut
GO

Academic Honesty. This one is good.
GO

Pam Anderson soaking wet, and wearing white
GO

Half naked Shay Laren
GO

Danielle Lloyd will do anything for money
GO

Guys Wake friend up with a punch in the nuts
GO

Posh’s legs are pretty nasty
GO

Video of MiMi Rogers nude
GO

Ali Larter showing off her legs
GO

Quinton Jackson dry humps his interviewer
GO

Some aerobics instructor lets one rip on the air
GO

Amy Winehouse is one classy broad
GO

Nick Nolte is a drunk bastard, but he shared a table with me once at a restaurant, so he’s cool with me
GO

Plug your ears: Michael Bolton and Nicolette Sheriden duet on the way
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K-Fed is getting a job
GO

Content .vs. Commerce, assholes.
GO

Not too sure who Michael Bay is, but apparently, he sucks
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Plastic surgery fun with Tara Reid
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Jessica White models for Victoria’s Secret
GO

Lookin’ Good Sweetheart
GO

Catherine Zeta-Jones is way too hot for that old dude she is married to
GO

Review of Courtney Love’s show at the Roxy
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Katherine McPhee’s temporary tattoos
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Angelina Jolie is amazing and fuck you if you don’t like her
GO

Dude surfing a tsunami wave. Amazing!!
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The Internet: Reposted
GO

One shirtless bum beats the piss out of another
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Carlsberg and Mentos
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Some chick from Nebraska with a nice rack
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Jessica Alba wears stupid shoes
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Lookin’ Good Sweetheart
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Photo of the Day
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Tragedy caught on film
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Hilary Duff is into Leather
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Christina Aguilera is nice I think
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Dita Von Tease likes porn. I am shocked. SHOCKED
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Shay Lauren, like whoa!
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Rihanna should be a model instead
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Mischa Barton – “I’m different�
Us – “No, you’re not…�
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Daryl Hannah looking hefty
GO

Simpson’s pissed off the pagans
[nelson] Ha Ha [nelson]
GO

God damn Lohan is an idiot
GO

Find that special someone by stalking them on the internet first
GO

Use this, and your friends will finally stop teasing you for being a virgin, I promise.
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Email links and loveletters to stepdaughter[at]drunkenstepfather.com

Posted in:stepLINKS|Unsorted

2007

19

Jul

I am – Cindy Crawford Being a Hott MILF of the Day

Cindy Crawford

I got an email from one of the 5 people who read this site occaisionally saying we give way to much exposure to the young, trashy Hollywood cunts, and that we need to post more MILF’s, so here’s some Cindy Crawford action which I hope is okay because she A) is a mom and B) you (probably) want to fuck her. If I’m wrong just cut me a bit of slack, because I’m an 18 year old girl who thinks more about my eating disorder then fucking older chicks, you know? That may change when I got to college next year and start “experimentingâ€?, but more on that later…

I knew this girl Angie, a girl a lot older then me, who was the biggest slut I have ever and probably will ever meet. Every dude that hung out with her had run with her and from what I understand she used abortion as her form of birth control, and I mean I’m not anti abortion, but like fuck, come on. She had a Mom who everyone used to fuck as well, and the whole thing was really bizarre to me, cause I was like 15. Thing was, she wasn’t like a hot mom either, you know? More like white trash alcoholic welfare Mom.

Anyways, the whole joke this during time was that no one would ever go down on the mother, and that no one wanted to “eat the big black holeâ€?, cause you know apparently she didn’t keep her bits to clean, if you know what I mean, and the smell wasn’t too pleasent. None of them seemed to have a problem fucking her tho, which never made any sense to me, but there you have it. Anyways, somehow it got out that this dirtbag who hung around us name Paul had, in fact, done just that. The gossip spread like wild fire, and before you could say Vagisil, everyone was ragging home about it. The climax came when someone spraypainted PAUL ATE THE BIG BLACK HOLE on the side of our gymnasium. I think he moved shortly after that.

Here’s some pics of Cindy Crawford. I bet her Vagina smells like flowers.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez




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2007

19

Jul

I am – Model Belen Rodriguez of the Day

Belen Rodriguez

When I was a hooker I had a client who had me tie his wrists with a long rope of braided hair, bind his dick so tight in dental floss it turned purple, and scratch his ball sack hard while I fucked him. Twice he payed extra to duck tape my tits. I was never really comfortable with the scratching part–the guy was a bleeder, and you know, AIDS is a bitch. But he was a huge tipper, always brought his own dental floss, so I just dipped my fingers in alcohol when it was done, then moved on to the next John.

The point is i don’t think you should scratch or be scratched by anyone unless you have seen the printout of their AIDS/Hep test, even if its hard to get diseased that way. Unless they are paying you. I am no doctor, just a dumb slut with a bigger fear of blood than semen.

But you freaks would sell your kidney for the chance to scratch or be scratched by this slut until you came, even if she told you she was a walking flesh-bag of HIV. Meet Belen Rodriguez in Italian Pocketbook Magazine. Get out some Kleenex, you’ll need it.

Obediently yours,

Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

EMAIL ME HERE



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Posted in:Lingerie|Model|Unsorted

2007

19

Jul

I am – Michelle Marsh and Her Big Jugs of the Day

Michelle Marsh

Michelle Marsh is the type of girl that most of you virgins out there would like to be your first. She pretty much fits the stereotype of standard beauty for young guys everywhere to beat off to under the covers. I mean really, you can’t go wrong with blonde hair, nice body and big tits. The only problem is that if, by some crazy hell-freezes-over-pigs-fly-in-the-air chance you did actually get her to be you first, you would probably bust in your pants as soon as you touched her tit, like when Forest first grabbed Jenny’s goods in Forest Gump.

Teenaged guys are the worst to have sex with, which is why I pretty much never fuck guys my own age. First of all they have no fucking concept of foreplay and just want to stick their dick in you as soon as their pants come off (maybe because they know they are going to bust a nut in like 23 seconds?) If you try to get on top, they don’t really know what to do and get confused (Yes, I’m a top). They hump you like a little jack rabbit, but have no real rhythm or timing in regards to the whole thing, finish at lightning speed and then pass the fuck out before you come back from the bathroom.

So yeah, to all you teenaged boys out there, I’ll stick to older men because I have severe unresolved Daddy issues that are going to affect my dating habits for the rest of the life, and you stick to internet pictures of Michelle Marsh and humping your pillow while Mommy isn’t looking. Deal?

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez


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2007

19

Jul

I am – Sienna Miller’s Bus Ride of the Day

Sienna Miller

Turning tricks for Jesus’ 4 readers is tougher than turning tricks on the street. You’re like a 15 dollar blowjob that refuses to come for like an hour and bitches about method. But sometimes you throw in an extra 5 bucks, so I am gonna try my best to suck you off by being extra crude and offensive, and probably fail.

Yesterday i splurged and took the bus home because it had been raining. I like to play a game where i pick some cunt to be the suicide bomber who is gonna take away our misery. Yesterday it was a 58 year old woman with spectacles, bangs, and a kankles. You could tell her husband is terrified of what her pussy. The explosives were packed beneath the pancake tits hiding under her grandma sweater (it’s fucking summer).

Now, I don’t support terrorism, unless the only way to get Sienna Miller to off herself is to have her become a suicide bomber, then I am all for it. Her movies tank, the fat nanny was a better fuck, and she seems like an real bitch. She should at least wear something nip-slippable to distract from her squinty eyes and truckstop hair, instead of this upity awareness shirt at some annoying the screening of new Hindi film “Partner” in Mumbai.

I am hoping she makes her mark on public transportation soon. As long as i get to chose who is on the bus, it’s fine. I would definitely put Paris on that bus, along with that guy i recently fucked at the W hotel in the bed that was still wet from his buddy jizzing all over some other slut. I was too drunk to give a shit then, but i feel nasty now, so for that he has to die, so he can be the driver. Who would you put on Sienna Miller’s “Big Ride to Hell”? (if you say me i will cut you.)

Obediently yours,

Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

EMAIL ME HERE


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Posted in:Sienna Miller|Unsorted

2007

19

Jul

I am – Sienna Miller's Bus Ride of the Day

Sienna Miller

Turning tricks for Jesus’ 4 readers is tougher than turning tricks on the street. You’re like a 15 dollar blowjob that refuses to come for like an hour and bitches about method. But sometimes you throw in an extra 5 bucks, so I am gonna try my best to suck you off by being extra crude and offensive, and probably fail.

Yesterday i splurged and took the bus home because it had been raining. I like to play a game where i pick some cunt to be the suicide bomber who is gonna take away our misery. Yesterday it was a 58 year old woman with spectacles, bangs, and a kankles. You could tell her husband is terrified of what her pussy. The explosives were packed beneath the pancake tits hiding under her grandma sweater (it’s fucking summer).

Now, I don’t support terrorism, unless the only way to get Sienna Miller to off herself is to have her become a suicide bomber, then I am all for it. Her movies tank, the fat nanny was a better fuck, and she seems like an real bitch. She should at least wear something nip-slippable to distract from her squinty eyes and truckstop hair, instead of this upity awareness shirt at some annoying the screening of new Hindi film “Partner” in Mumbai.

I am hoping she makes her mark on public transportation soon. As long as i get to chose who is on the bus, it’s fine. I would definitely put Paris on that bus, along with that guy i recently fucked at the W hotel in the bed that was still wet from his buddy jizzing all over some other slut. I was too drunk to give a shit then, but i feel nasty now, so for that he has to die, so he can be the driver. Who would you put on Sienna Miller’s “Big Ride to Hell”? (if you say me i will cut you.)

Obediently yours,

Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

EMAIL ME HERE


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