I hate Scarlett Johannson more than I hate MUNG’s posts so you can probably imagine the anxiety that I went through in deciding whether to post this….Obviously, MUNG won, because it meant that I didn’t have to bother writing something funny about her fat ass because the humor comes from MUNG’s inability to make you laugh. It’s one of those so bad it’s funny situations. Speaking of being so bad it’s funny. I went out for dinner with a couple of the guys from the park the other night. We managed to find a cheap restaurant that was bring your own bottle. So we all showed up with our $4 forties and ordered some dirty asian meat. It was living large by our standards. We ended up closing down the place, because let’s face it, we spend our entire $20 entertainment fund for the month in one spot and needed to take advantage. This was probably something that the management didn’t want, but I guess they shouldn’t complain, things could be worse, like their families could have been bombed in the Vietnam war or some shit. Either way, one of the crackheads I was with started telling us the story of the bitch he fucked who had herpes and the couple who was obviously on their first date weren’t really impressed, especially when he tried to make them part of the conversation….anyway – enough of this, here’s MUNG.

I just got up. It’s 10:30 AM, it’s raining, and my life sucks more than Paris Hilton’s singing voice. I was thinking about looking for a new job today because my parents are sick of getting calls from creditors looking for money. Then I realized that I have no skills or education to offer our society so I will most likely end up working at a job that involves putting potato wedges into a deep fryer or shooting preteen Ahmish girls execution style. The only highlight of my day has been the memory of the girl I saw at the library last night. I went there to get some old issues of Maxim Magazine for masturbatory material (they actually have them at my local library and most of the pages are missing or stuck together) There she was. The woman of my dreams. Unfortunately she was on the cover of a magazine called “Esquire”, with the words…Sexiest Woman Alive. I thought for a minute about what it would be like to have a woman like that in my life, and then I realized that women like her don’t really dig guys who are balding, overweight, unemployed, alcoholic fiends who live in their parents basement and offer nothing to society. So, in my frustration, I went home and to try and find a girl who does dig losers like myself. I found her on myspace. We exchanged messages and finally have decided to meet in her hometown, the armpit of America (ROCHESTER, NY). I think she is much better looking than the girl on the cover of the Esquire magazine.

Here is her myspace: GO

Here are pics of Scarlett Johanson on the cover of the Esquire Magazine….

YOU DECIDE!!!

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Someone just sent me a free pair of socks. That’s more than you have ever done for me, you piece of shit. Speaking of piece of shit, here is a picture a Mischa Barton’s dog sniffing her asscrack. I know that some of you dream about sniffing ass but this isn’t Brokeback Mountain. Speaking of Brokeback Mountain, Heath Ledger was at the same bar as me on Saturday. If I wasn’t so drunk I would’ve noticed him and got you an autograph, you fucking homo. Cuddles.

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Someone just sent me a free pair of socks. That’s more than you have ever done for me, you piece of shit. Speaking of piece of shit, here is a picture a Mischa Barton’s dog sniffing her asscrack. I know that some of you dream about sniffing ass but this isn’t Brokeback Mountain. Speaking of Brokeback Mountain, Heath Ledger was at the same bar as me on Saturday. If I wasn’t so drunk I would’ve noticed him and got you an autograph, you fucking homo. Cuddles.

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I guess the good news for some of you is that if Paris Hilton doesn’t die of AIDS, she will die of brain cancer. Bitch is always on her fucking phone and the sad thing is that it is never with me. We had a text message relationship for about a week that ended 2 weeks ago, but everytime I called her asking to borrow $1000, bitch would hang up on me. I remember calling her on a Sunday afternoon, about 9 am her time and she was at a fucking event with too much noise to hear me, while I was still in my underwear when the only noise around me was my whore of a wife snoring, but she wasn’t even asleep, which only makes sense if you are obese.

I am watching Degrassi and it’s about the computer geek who made the wrestling team and is trying to make wait. Dude became fucking bullemic and if that’s not gay, I don’t know what is. The fat girl on the show became a plus sized model and is rolling in it, by it I mean cookie dough cuz with her new found income, bitch can afford all the cookie dough she wants…

Let’s talk about you for a change. I feel like I always dominate the conversation and that’s not right….I am honestly interested in knowing how your life is coming along. Are you still in your mom’s basement and are you still a virgin? Did you ever end up getting your internet girlfriend on cam yet…Have you beat your number of orgasms in a day jerk off record yet? Give me an update. Thanks in advance.

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This shit reminds me of the Kelly Clarkson since I’ve been gone song, because I haven’t done the stepLINKS in almost a week. It’s like I’ve been gone for the first time. The consequence of not linking other sites is that they don’t link me and that has killed my traffic but since the site doesn’t make money, I figure that I don’t need any traffic. I’d be really happy just writing for you for the rest of my life, like I was your own personal court jester. The whole traffic thing was all for my ego, I liked bragging to my friends in the park about being the 15,000th biggest website.

I was talking to my lawyer the other day, not because I am having legal problems but because he read that some dude from a site called ebaumsworld makes 10,000,000 dollars a year, has a staff of 30, a book deal and a pilot with Fox all lined up. I wanted to say that it would be nice if those same people gave me a little love. I don’t need a book deal, I’d be happy with a line of cocktail napkins that say random quotes of mine. I don’t need 10,000,000 dollars or book/tv deals, I’d be happy with $10,000 to pay off my debt. Get on it…thanks in advance….cuddles….tell your friends….I just made your famous, bitch…. You get the idea.

PS – The guy in the picture has beef with me because I asked his baby’s momma for before and after pregnancy box shots. True story.

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This bitch is so fucking famous that she even dated Sharon Stone’s brother. I looked her up and they called her a noleberity and that means she’s got no reason for being at celebrity events or on TV but she is at them and when she’s wearing a see-through dress.

I am kinda a nolebrity too, I am not famous but constantly get harassed by you fucking readers. I love the motherfucker who keeps calling me Wussus because I had a shitty week of content last week. Reality is my wife never found out about the site, I was just tired of posting this shit. It’s depressing and I burnt out.

Speaking of depressing, I went to a Naked breakfast place where the bitch is supposed to serve you breakfast with her titties out. I got to the place and I was met at the door by a 50 year old slag in wool slippers and a bathrobe. I don’t know about you, but getting served by a woman who looks like your mom when she wakes up on a Sunday morning, doesn’t not count as naked breakfast. But then again, I don’t live in my mom’s basement and jerk off to her dirty laundry. Anyway, there were about 10 tables all empty, there was one 90 year old dude with a cane at the counter who probably thought the 50 year old bitch was the hottest piece of ass he ever saw….either way, I ordered a coffee and took in the Jenna Jameson posters on the wall from 1992 and left feeling more depressed.

Thanks for reading. Asshole.

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I have always had a thing for Sienna Miller and by always I mean the last 2 years that bitch has been in the movie scene. I remember seeing her tits in Alfie and I was sold on her. She is the kind of pussy that you see at a party, drunk and chain smoking, part of you wants to fuck her because she’s hot, but the other part of you doesn’t want to use the bathroom after she’s been in there out of fear of getting AIDS. I guess that explains why Jude Law and her are still together….she’s probably hooked him up with something she got at one of her cocaine model parties back in London before she was famous…I guess this is all speculation and the point of my story is that I’d still raw dog this slag despite the smell. It’s one of those little kid sticking a fork in an electrical outlet situations.

I guess the other point of my story is that the bitch next to me is some crazy loud filipino slag who is rocking her phone like she’s at a Filipino Festival and she’s the entertainment. I’m talking dancing and screaming on stage for 150,000 screaming Filipinos, only difference is, there are 3 people in this fucking coffee shop. She just wet napped her hands, I love the smell of lemon scented rubbing alcohol. I think she may be the same bitch who has been pretending to be Lohan on myspace. They seem to have the same social skills.

Now watch Sienna Miller shop, weirdo.

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Lookin’ Good Sweetheart…I’d love you to take me on a ride…

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