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Archive for the Jessica Simpson Category

2008

14

Jul

Jessica Simpson in a Swimsuit on a Yacht of the Day

6 Comments »

Jessica Simpson was out on a boat in a one piece swimsuit keeping it classy, like she was Jackie O or some shit, which is pretty unexpected considering Jessica Simpson’s from Texas and the only thing classy there is the 5th grade, it’s the class everyone completes before dropping out to join the Rodeo.

I am not all that jealous of Jessica Simpson’s leisure time or her semi-retirement, that she spends trying to lasso her football hero down, because I was invited to go to the beach with my friend this weekend. I showed up because he had cocaine and booze waiting for me and promises of topless bitches, but when I got there, I saw that the topless girls he was talking about were 12 years old.

Either way, everyone is freaking out about the fact that she’s not in a bikini, which is stupid, because girls rock one piece bathing suits for a reason, and that reason is ususally to hide something unflattering or offensive. It’s kinda the same reason why self respecting, insecure fat chicks go to the waterpark in a t-shirt and Jessica is obviously doin us a favor. The sad truth is that she’s no spring chicken anymore and her eager to get pregnant uterus is probably so hungry that this was the most fashionable things hee could find to keep it strapped down.

Bonus – Jessica Simpson has a Barely There Nipple Slip of the Day

Posted in:Jessica Simpson|swimsuit|Yacht

2008

08

Jul

Jessica Simpson and Her Cougar Cleavage of the Day

8 Comments »

It was Jessica Simpson’s birthday get together, at least that’s what people are saying, because her birthday is in 2 days. If you are wondering why I know that, which I am sure you are, because I don’t even know my own birthday, it’s because I looked it up because she looked like she was getting on in years. It turns out that she’s turning 28, so that means she’s only a few years away from being a dried up cougar at the end of the hotel bar, licking her lips for some college kids in her cleavage shirt, trying to cover up her muff gut, in hopes of getting dick and encouraging the kids to cum in her, or on her face so she can artificially inseminate herself, only to find out she’s waited too long and is barren.

It’s a sad lonely life for such a hot set of tits.

Posted in:cleavage|Jessica Simpson|Tits

2008

13

Jun

Stifler Fucked Jessica Simpson of the Day

1 Comment »

Stifler from American Pie gets asked about why Nick Lachey hates him in some interview and says because he fucked Jessica Simpson, I am assuming it went down when they were shooting Dukes of Hazard because otherwise I don’t see why Jessica Simpson would hang out with him, but it is possible that he told her that he was Brad Pitt or some shit, because I heard that’s the line the craft services dude used and she gave him a rim job and Johnny Knoxville go up in her because he told her that he was Elvis.

She’s probably the easiest girl to manipulate into the bedroom even when married and that just proves that you should never marry a virgin or someone who claims to be a virgin because they are either a slut hiding the truth or a slut in the making who hasn’t had a taste yet and once you give her one, she goes crazy.

I don’t know if Jessica Simpson was married to Nick Lachey for any other reason than rockin’ a TV show with him to help take both of their careers to a new Christian level and considering Nick Lachey is a poofter and likes cock not slot, I don’t really see why he’d give a shit about who she fucks but apparently he does, it must be because he has been crushing on Stifler for years and Jessica totally knew it and still went out and fucked him, knowing it would devestate Nick because life is not fair, but on the positive side of things, at least now his masturbation fantasies of Stifler can be set to Jessica’s inside scoop and description of Stifler’s dick, instead of to the pictures Nick made of Stiffler and him by cropping their faces onto hardcore gay porn pics.

Posted in:Jessica Simpson|Sex|Stifler|Uncategorized

2008

06

Jun

Jessica Simpson is Probably Pregnant of the Day

4 Comments »

So someone told me that Jessica Simpson is moving into country because it has more longevity than pop since the people who listen to country are people of routine as they tend to their farms for generations doing the same jobs day in and day out from the age of 6, when they dropped out of school, until the day they die and are as loyal as Rusty, the dog they found in a ditch just outside of town when they were on their way to get feed and a new hinge for the barn door, and they decided to nurse him back to health and raise on the farm with the rest of their animals and who turned out to be a best friend and companion during all the low years when love just wasn’t goin’ their way. I guess it’s also got something to do with country fans not caring what the female performers look like because compared to their toothless haggard and obese wife they end up with, even Rusty starts to look like a natural beauty, if you know what I mean.

Either way, I think she’s moving to country because she needs something more wholesome because she’s knocked up. I ran these pictures by my expert in pregnancy, who is some slut I met at a bar who has happened to have had over 10 abortions and has been pregnant about 30 times in the last 10 years and she seems to think that Jessica is hiding something and that Tony Romo is back with her because of something and that Joe Simpson, who would normally dress her in a bikini is covering her up to look a lot more wholesome because of something.

Everything she does is a career move and that even the biggest perverts I know get thrown off when they get lap dances from pregnant strippers so as of today, she’s either trying to luring in the Christians who think she’s a tramp to buy her new album, or she’s laying the groundwork so that the Christians who can see past her being a tramp but won’t tolerate a slutty pregnant chick won’t turn on her.

So according to me and my team of one slut, Jessica Simpson is knocked up.

Posted in:Jessica Simpson|Pregnant

2008

28

May

Jessica Simpson’s New Country Single of the Day

3 Comments »

Country Music is the biggest thing in America, so if you are an aspiring singer, you should consider pulling the Carrie Underwood because you will make a hell of a lot more money showing off your fake hick accent for dude’s in pick-up trucks and you’ll have a long lasting career because country listeners are loyal. The problem with doing Pop is that you ride the top if you’re lucky then you quickly fade away when someone cooler or hotter or younger comes along. When you’re up against a whole lot of ugly chicks and lame dudes in tight jeans, it’s pretty easy to carve out your niche.

Either way, heres Jessica Simpson’s new song called Come on Over and for some reason all I can think about is seeing a horse cum all over her. Beastiality isn’t how, but when you’re all alone herding sheep in the mountains for 3 months and trusty ol’ Bucky is the only other thing you’ve got around and you’ve drank too much Whiskey, these things tend happen.

Posted in:Country Single|Jessica Simpson

2008

21

May

Jessica Simpson Cabo Cleavage in a Bikini of the Day

3 Comments »

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These are some pretty pathetic pictures of Jessica Simpson in a bikini in Cabo, but not as pathetic as me writing about Jessica Simpson’s pathetic bikini pictures, but I figure that she needs some attention since all the focus has been on her sister the last couple of weeks and Jessica is used to having Ashlee ride her coat tails and her bratty spoiled piece of shit attitude doesn’t really like what’s going on, but she can’t seem to find the words to explain what she’s feeling because she’s too stupid so she’s turn to the bottle like most illiterates do, only most illiterates are homeless people who could never adapt in the real world and not big breasted rich chicks.

I don’t know what I am talking about, but I feel like I learned that on the Cosby Show when Sammy Davis Jr made a guest appearance as an illiterate, sure it may not be all that recent an episode but it was considered big news the last time I had TV, it’s not my fault you’ve moved on. Ditcher.

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Posted in:Bikini|Cabo|cleavage|Jessica Simpson

2008

20

May

Jessica Simpson’s Got Some Shorts and Tits of the Day

1 Comment »

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I like how the circle of life works, one person dies another is born, one couple breaks up and another one ends up getting married because gay marriage was finally legalized and all their fabricated commercial emo shit can go down under the legal contract that locks them together called marriage. I am talking about how Tony Romo dumped Jessica Simpson right before Ashlee and Pete Wentz got married and how this probably ruined Jessica Simpson on the inside, kinda like how Tony Romo did to her insides while he had her vulnerable vagina crying on his bed, only with a lot less semen.

Either way, here are some pictures of Jessica Simpson before the wedding showing off some tits because she’s back on the market and knows that dudes like tits.

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And here is Jessica Simpson after the wedding in Cabo to Deal With Her Jealousy of Her Sister’s Wedding and She Isn’t in a Bikini Yet….But Probably Will Be…so keep yourself posted.

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Posted in:Jessica Simpson|Shorts|Tits

2008

12

May

Jessica Simpson Has One Hard Nipple in a White Dress of the Day

3 Comments »

Image Removed due to Papparazzi

Nothing says I am a loser like posting pictures of Jessica Simpson because one of her nipples is hard. I guess stealing 5 dollars out of my wife’s purse to buy myself a luxurious coffee from Starbucks to pretend I was am a baller for a group of high school girls was probably up there but at least I had the satisfaction of having them call me a fuckin’ pervert as I pointed to my drink and said – I picked this baby up for $5 baby, just imagine all the things I could buy you if I can be this irresponsible with my money by blowin it on iced coffee drinks. If I had known the outcome wouldn’t lead to positive self-esteem boosting attention I was hoping for, I would have just a 40 instead, it never lets me down. I guess girls today just aren’t as easily impressed as they used to be, I blame the media and Paris Hilton for giving them this distorted perception of the value of a dollar as they live their designer jeans, designer coffee, materialistic lives. There was a time you’d get a blowjob for buying a bitch an ice cream cone for 50 cents, not it’s all about gourmet dinners and bottles of champagne. Thanks MTV for ruining it for the poor man….

Posted in:Jessica Simpson|Nipple

2008

09

Apr

Jessica Simpson’s Nipples Do Esquire of the Day

7 Comments »

Jessica Simpson is in Esquire and I am not down with the way she’s aging, not sure why but I feel like everyday she looks more and more like a dude. The good news is that she’s got some tits and those tits have hard nipples and I guess that compensates for her pro-athlete lookin’ face.

I was watching some Carson Daly shit last night at a girl I met at Starbucks’ house and Perez Hilton was on talking about how he was making out with John Mayer while Jessica was rubbing Mayer’s crotch. Now I don’t care for Perez or his gay stories with singer/song writing homos who aren’t out of the closet with their homosexuality, but the fact that he’s doing gay shit isn’t a testament to how shitty Jessica is in bed, it’s just proof that bitch looks enough like a dude to attract dudes who are on the fence with their sexuality. She’s the kind of girl down with male-male-female threesomes for her sexually confused boyfriend and that makes her someone you’d probably like to get to know because your theory is that as long as there’s a chick in the room with you and another naked erect man, you’re in the clear and don’t have to come out to your family.

More proof that bitch attracts closet cases is that she’s dating a football quarterback. Football may be the most abusive sport out there with men tackling men in spandex who all go to the locker room to shower together when the games over, but it sounds a whole lot like a gay porno storyline to me and if you were a closet cased homo in highschool, you’d probably be more drawn to that extra curricular activity than starting a band to lure all the slutty girls into your basement with….

I guess my theories don’t matter, just look at the pics.

Posted in:Esquire|Jessica Simpson|Nipples

2008

27

Mar

Jessica Simpson Kinda had an Upskirt that You Can’t See of the Day

8 Comments »

I don’t know how old these pictures are, or if they are even of Jessica Simpson, but it looks like she’s trying to stop all of us from seeing her vagina and I am sure that’s nothing you aren’t already used to because even when you’re at sex parties and bitches are wiping out on GHB, you still can’t manage to get a peak because you aren’t really there since the invitation was lost in the mail, at least that’s what you tell yourself to make you feel better about never getting to join in on the fun everyone else is having. Don’t worry, the last time I went to an orgy, I got herpes and despite it being the gift that keeps on giving, it’s pretty much the shittiest gift that keeps on giving, worse than that pair of socks your Aunt knitted you that you can’t seem to take off because they are so colorful and scream your name every time you open your sock drawer.

I don’t know what I am talking about because I have never really been giving a shitty gift, but that’s because no one’s ever given me any gifts, so I’m trying to relate to something I don’t know here and you should give me a break.

Posted in:Jessica Simpson|Upskirt