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Archive for the Unsorted Category

2007

20

Jul

I am – The Katherine McPhee Weight Loss Plan of the Day

1 Comment »

Katherine McPhee
Julien, our Token Gay Blogger, and I had a lengthly conversation over IM chat today about our best methods to keep pounds off, because, seriously we all know nobody likes a fat chick, right? (Or in his case, a fat guy I suppose). He wrote this lovely email] summarizing our conversation. When I asked him if he thought people may get offended, he said he didn’t give a shit, because people with eating disorders are funny, and he’s going to hell anyways.

When I was a little kid I was pretty scrawny but as soon as I hit high school I got really fucking fat. I was totally sublimating my crushes on my male classmates with food, which is a classic gay move. Once I moved to the big city and realized that no self-respecting gay guy is going to fuck a 200 pound, fat 19 year old, I went on the Mary-Kate Olsen diet of Diet Red Bulls and Vodka and Marlboro Lights.

Even though I am wicked skinny now, you can still see in my face that there is a trapped fat kid inside my body just dying to get out. But I’m going to keep him away until I find a rich husband and don’t care what I look like anymore.

Now I know Katherine McPhee had a major eating disorder or some shit but girl’s gotta stick with it. When I see her I can still see a little fat Katherine inside, desperately yearning to binge on KrispeyKremes and Double Whoppers. But if I can keep it off, you can keep it off!!

(snaps fingers)

Julien’s Helpful Hint: Deepthroating can sometimes make you vomit. So go binge all you want and then suck some serious cock. But please run to the bathroom before you purge Guys do NOT appreciate it when you hurl all over their junk (I know from experience, Sorry again Jason!)

Smooch!

Julien


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Posted in:Katherine McPhee|Uncategorized|Unsorted

2007

20

Jul

I am – Nicole Scherzinger is the Leader of the Pack of the Day

6 Comments »

Nicole Scherzinger

The Pussycat Dolls crack me, because they take themselves so seriously, and as popular as they are, I think they just prove that this whole pop-group ensemble thing is so ridiculous and not based on talent or merit. I liked the idea of them being this burlesque troupe or whatever, but the fact that they make music (they are working on their second album) and that there are real people out there into their music is too much for me to handle.

I watched that show of their’s for a little while, and laughed when the girl who won was sort of pretty ad could sing okay, but you know, she’s not too pretty, and she can’t sing too good, as not to detract from Nicole Scherzinger, cause you know, she’s the fucking one with all the talent. Personally I think that shit was so fucking rigged and there were way better girls who could have won. Don’t get me wrong, the other ones are all hott and they do their little dances etc, but I hope they are all being honest with each other with the realization that any one of them could leave the group and nobody would give a fuck or notice, not even their “fans”.

It’s like the popular group at school. There’s always the head fucking girl, bossing everyone else around, and the other members of the group are really just expendable when it comes down it. No one even knows their names. I bet they still wait in line at Hyde.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez


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Posted in:Nicole Scherzinger|Uncategorized|Unsorted

2007

20

Jul

I am – Kristin Davis and Kim Kardashian together of the Day

4 Comments »

Kim Kardishian

Back in Community College upstate, I roomed with a girl with 1.5 legs, we’ll call her Melanie. I am pretty sure she was a closet lesbian because she would stroke me a lot or have a friend spend the night but want to share my bed instead of sharing hers with her friend. She was dating guys off the internet. They were all closet freaks with a prosthesis fetish or something. Since she was a community theater regular, she hooked up with this ‘playwright.’ She paid for dinner (he forgot his wallet) and he asked to ‘borrow’ some sheets of computer paper so he could print his play for her. While she was gimping around collecting it, he starts ranting about his play where the actors fuck onstage. I said ‘oh, like live porn,’ and he said ‘no, it’s raw art.’ Then he gets all hopped up talking about how he will have to play the guy because he is bold and edgey like that, and he is looking for an intense girl, a girl indie and serious enough to have sex onstage. Rehearsals will start soon… He kept repeating the last part, and staring at my tits. Either he was retarded or bipolar. I asked him if it was a paying role. He said no.

I would like to tell you I wouldn’t have nailed this twat in front of his 4 friends for cash, but that would be a lie, and I’m no liar. And Melanie never heard from him again after he ran off with all her paper.

Kim Kardashian has had sex for money in front of people (via video), so I bet she would have nailed this playwright anyway for kicks, or for money if she wasn’t so rich. And Kristin Davis’ career, despite the upcoming ‘Sex and the City’ movie, has been in the tank. I am guessing Davis being seen with Kardashian means she is 5 minutes from a 40 year old sex tape, or she is just inquiring about advice. Pure speculation. Maybe they are planning one together? That’s something I don’t want to see (mostly because Kardashian’s ass-implants scare me).

Obediently yours,

Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

EMAIL ME HERE


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2007

20

Jul

I am – Jenna Jameson is Made of Plastic of the day

2 Comments »

Jenna Jameson

I dunno how many of you ever have insomnia, but I’ve had it for about a year and fucking half and and it basically makes me want to shoot myself in the head. For those of you who don’t know, it basically puts you into this place where you aren’t asleep, but you aren’t really awake either, and when you do feel like you can sleep. You don’t want to eat, there’s no way you can, you just want to be left the fuck alone.

It always comes at the worst possible time, like when your stepfather is away on a fucking cruise and leaves you with his website to run and you TRY to sleep all night but can’t, and only sleep during the day. Then you have work to do at 8AM, because you know all 5 people reading need their fix of gossip and half-naked chick and therefore have to stay up all day as well. By 8pm when you’re done work, you’ve caught you second wind and don’t feel tired anymore.

One time I stayed awake for for 64 hours straight, and was hallucinating to the point that it was better then any drugs I have ever taken. Here’s Jenna Jameson.


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Posted in:Uncategorized|Unsorted

2007

20

Jul

I am – Monica Cruz in a Bikini of the Day

5 Comments »

Monica Cruz

After work, I walked the 1.5 miles home and lost the will to live/ get laid. This is what I came across.

— a little boy fell off his skateboard skateboard while talking on his shiny Razr
— a pregnant woman with a gremlin face (condoms, please)
— a homeless man was washing his leper feat with water out of a McDonald’s cup
— an old man and his Woody Allen Voice yelling into his phone “You are my girlfriend, why are you treating me this way?” (mystery)
— a man pushing a dog in a hot pink stroller
— a 10 year old girl kicked a pigeon
— a Bentley with a license plate reading “CAVITY” (search?)

It felt like i was living in some fucked up combo of ‘Twin Peaks’ and ‘The Truman Show.’ I Got home, took some pills, drank. If I hadn’t been for my vibrator, I would have done myself in. It’s fancy. It has a clit stimulator.

So I am not hurting so much anymore, but you’ll be hurting for Monica Cruz on the beach in Ibiza wearing a bikini. Seriously, let’s talk about the charmed life. Your big sister, who is arguably less hot than you, makes it big as Tom Cruise’s beard, and you don’t have to work your way to fame, just sit their and look pretty. Nicely done, you hot, Spanish minx.

Obediently yours,

Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

EMAIL ME HERE


UPDATE: Here’s some ones of Penny too. Who do you love?


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2007

20

Jul

I am – Britney Spears Being Classy of the Day Part 2

1 Comment »

Britney Spears

It’s getting to the point where as much as I want to write something funny about her, I’m almost so fucking shocked that she runs around doing what she does, and I just don’t know what to say. You know the whole wanting to look away from a car wreck thing, but can’t etc. I’m sure we’ve all been there and you get it.

I have a friend name Sean who gets laid probably more then anybody I know. The funny thing is that, by general standards, he isn’t the best looking guy in the traditional sense. Still tho, he accepts himself for what he is and wears his ugliness like a well earned medal of honor, and chicks pick up on that, and it a fucked up way, that’s what makes him attractive. And I mean he don’t sleep with fucking pigs either, he gets like girls that average an 8/10 or higher. He’s got charisma that is actually quite humbling to watch, and if I didn’t know him for as long as I have, I’m sure I would have given him a go by now as well. There’s a lot of be said for confidence, and if you ever decide you want to loose your virginity, you should think about that, for real.

Being white trash and so full of yourself to the point that just seriously have no concept in regards to how you are viewed by other people in the world is just some fucking next level shit that I am still very, very far off from understanding. I am definitely way to hungover to wrap my head around it right now. I don’t think Sean in all his wisdom would even understand this, though maybe I should ask him when we go out tonight. He owes for 40$ and it will be a good lead in to warm him up to the part where I’m like “Oh, by the way WHERE THE FUCK IS MY MONEY?!?�

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez


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2007

20

Jul

I am – Vida Guerra's Ass of the Day

2 Comments »

Vida Guerra

I used to be super into sports and being active when I was around 15, until I realized that smoking pot in the schooyard with my friends and being outside in the sun fuking around was a hell of a lot more fun then being inside getting yelled by Coach. I was real good at Basketball and Volleyball, but I generally just don’t have that killer instinct when it comes to winning and when we would loose a game and Coach would yell at us, I would just b all “Yeah, whatever.” And go outside to smoke and send text messages and find out where the party was at.

A lot of the other problem was that I hated the fact that all the sports kids rolled together at school, and that I didn’t fit in with sporty-bitch-cunt girls, nor was I interested in fucking the meathead-jock-assholes who ran around date raping the girls I went to school with, who thought by fucking those idiots it would make them popular or some shit. So I ended up quitting sports all together, and even though the assholes didn’t want to date rape me for the most part which was good (but also didn’t matter cause that shit had already happened when I was 14 anyways and traumatized me forever, more on that later). The chicks however, did end up wanting to kick the shit out of me on a regular basis and I don’t believe in fighting for the part and spent most of highschool watching my ass, and I really don’t give a shit if you call me a pussy, because people who run around picking fights need to grow the fuck up. Eventually once I became a senior I was taller then all of them and also punch one square in the face at a party who was fucking with a younger chick. None of them fucked with me after that.

Alas, instead of staying in the sports game, getting a scholarship or something y, and ending up with an ass like Vida Guerra from working out so much and being fit, I ended up developing photos during my lunch hour to avoid fist fights, getting a job writing for all 6 of you reading out there and not getting to go to a state college. Overall, I do think I ended up with a pretty nice ass tho.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez


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Posted in:Ass|Unsorted|Vida Guerra

2007

20

Jul

I am – Vida Guerra’s Ass of the Day

2 Comments »

Vida Guerra

I used to be super into sports and being active when I was around 15, until I realized that smoking pot in the schooyard with my friends and being outside in the sun fuking around was a hell of a lot more fun then being inside getting yelled by Coach. I was real good at Basketball and Volleyball, but I generally just don’t have that killer instinct when it comes to winning and when we would loose a game and Coach would yell at us, I would just b all “Yeah, whatever.� And go outside to smoke and send text messages and find out where the party was at.

A lot of the other problem was that I hated the fact that all the sports kids rolled together at school, and that I didn’t fit in with sporty-bitch-cunt girls, nor was I interested in fucking the meathead-jock-assholes who ran around date raping the girls I went to school with, who thought by fucking those idiots it would make them popular or some shit. So I ended up quitting sports all together, and even though the assholes didn’t want to date rape me for the most part which was good (but also didn’t matter cause that shit had already happened when I was 14 anyways and traumatized me forever, more on that later). The chicks however, did end up wanting to kick the shit out of me on a regular basis and I don’t believe in fighting for the part and spent most of highschool watching my ass, and I really don’t give a shit if you call me a pussy, because people who run around picking fights need to grow the fuck up. Eventually once I became a senior I was taller then all of them and also punch one square in the face at a party who was fucking with a younger chick. None of them fucked with me after that.

Alas, instead of staying in the sports game, getting a scholarship or something y, and ending up with an ass like Vida Guerra from working out so much and being fit, I ended up developing photos during my lunch hour to avoid fist fights, getting a job writing for all 6 of you reading out there and not getting to go to a state college. Overall, I do think I ended up with a pretty nice ass tho.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez


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Posted in:Ass|Unsorted|Vida Guerra

2007

19

Jul

I am – stepLINKS of the Day

1 Comment »

stepLINK July 19/07

I went to get a sandwich today with my friend, and it was great but I got really full you know, like to full in some ways. The thing about me is I have a really weak gag reflex (but only when it comes to gross shit, not for head or anything). As I’m walking down the street we turn the corner and theres this bum throing up on a wall, but this was some serious vomit. I don’t think I have ever seen this much vomit come out of a person, and trust me, I have seen a lot of people puking in my 18 years.

So right away, I’m all “I’m gonna hurl, I’m gonna hurl!� and my friend is all “Nono, don’t do it!� and I started dry heavy really bad about ten feet passed where this dude was still puking. Now also remember that this is on a busy city street, Thursday afternoon at 3, so there’s loads of people walking by, watching me dry heaving and wondering what’s up and then looking passed me to see this bum loosing his insides on the wall of the pizza place. It was truly a Kodak moment.

Here’s the links, click them and I’ll give you a kiss.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez

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Tom Cruise is a Nazi
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Could somebody shit this fucking bitch up please?
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Pretty cool stunt with a Mini
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Paris Hilton has great choice in men
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Your mom is a slut
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Academic Honesty. This one is good.
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Pam Anderson soaking wet, and wearing white
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Half naked Shay Laren
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Danielle Lloyd will do anything for money
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Guys Wake friend up with a punch in the nuts
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Posh’s legs are pretty nasty
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Video of MiMi Rogers nude
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Ali Larter showing off her legs
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Quinton Jackson dry humps his interviewer
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Some aerobics instructor lets one rip on the air
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Amy Winehouse is one classy broad
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Nick Nolte is a drunk bastard, but he shared a table with me once at a restaurant, so he’s cool with me
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Plug your ears: Michael Bolton and Nicolette Sheriden duet on the way
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K-Fed is getting a job
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Content .vs. Commerce, assholes.
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Not too sure who Michael Bay is, but apparently, he sucks
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Plastic surgery fun with Tara Reid
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Jessica White models for Victoria’s Secret
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Lookin’ Good Sweetheart
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Catherine Zeta-Jones is way too hot for that old dude she is married to
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Review of Courtney Love’s show at the Roxy
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Katherine McPhee’s temporary tattoos
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Angelina Jolie is amazing and fuck you if you don’t like her
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Dude surfing a tsunami wave. Amazing!!
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The Internet: Reposted
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One shirtless bum beats the piss out of another
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Carlsberg and Mentos
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Some chick from Nebraska with a nice rack
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Jessica Alba wears stupid shoes
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Lookin’ Good Sweetheart
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Photo of the Day
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Tragedy caught on film
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Hilary Duff is into Leather
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Christina Aguilera is nice I think
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Dita Von Tease likes porn. I am shocked. SHOCKED
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Shay Lauren, like whoa!
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Rihanna should be a model instead
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Mischa Barton – “I’m different�
Us – “No, you’re not…�
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Daryl Hannah looking hefty
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Simpson’s pissed off the pagans
[nelson] Ha Ha [nelson]
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God damn Lohan is an idiot
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Email links and loveletters to stepdaughter[at]drunkenstepfather.com

Posted in:stepLINKS|Unsorted

2007

19

Jul

I am – Cindy Crawford Being a Hott MILF of the Day

1 Comment »

Cindy Crawford

I got an email from one of the 5 people who read this site occaisionally saying we give way to much exposure to the young, trashy Hollywood cunts, and that we need to post more MILF’s, so here’s some Cindy Crawford action which I hope is okay because she A) is a mom and B) you (probably) want to fuck her. If I’m wrong just cut me a bit of slack, because I’m an 18 year old girl who thinks more about my eating disorder then fucking older chicks, you know? That may change when I got to college next year and start “experimentingâ€?, but more on that later…

I knew this girl Angie, a girl a lot older then me, who was the biggest slut I have ever and probably will ever meet. Every dude that hung out with her had run with her and from what I understand she used abortion as her form of birth control, and I mean I’m not anti abortion, but like fuck, come on. She had a Mom who everyone used to fuck as well, and the whole thing was really bizarre to me, cause I was like 15. Thing was, she wasn’t like a hot mom either, you know? More like white trash alcoholic welfare Mom.

Anyways, the whole joke this during time was that no one would ever go down on the mother, and that no one wanted to “eat the big black holeâ€?, cause you know apparently she didn’t keep her bits to clean, if you know what I mean, and the smell wasn’t too pleasent. None of them seemed to have a problem fucking her tho, which never made any sense to me, but there you have it. Anyways, somehow it got out that this dirtbag who hung around us name Paul had, in fact, done just that. The gossip spread like wild fire, and before you could say Vagisil, everyone was ragging home about it. The climax came when someone spraypainted PAUL ATE THE BIG BLACK HOLE on the side of our gymnasium. I think he moved shortly after that.

Here’s some pics of Cindy Crawford. I bet her Vagina smells like flowers.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez




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