Unsorted Archives - Page 125 of 511 Archive - DrunkenStepFather.com

2007

25

Jun

I am – Kate Moss is Fucking Skinny of the Day

There was a time when I would post pictures of an obviously anorexic looking girl and say how she’s fat…It would always get a rise out of people. Then that got boring and obvious, so I would write shit about normal looking girls and say how they should stop eating to look a little more like an anorexic lookin’ girls who are so fucking hot.

I guess I was just saying it as jokes but I do like small tits and I do like skinny girls because my wife is fucking disgustingly fat and it’s one of those things where you want what you don’t have, like dudes who date small tittied girls and they go to strip clubs and get lap dances with huge tittied girls, or dudes who date a short girl and go to the strip club to get dances with the tallest bitch in there, or dudes who date waspy girls and get dances from the hot black/spanish/asian girls…it’s just what people do.

It seems like people also like fucking girls who are the opposite of them, that’s why anytime you see an obese chick, her boyfriend is the tallest skinniest motherfucker out there, or the other way around. As a fat man, I know dating a fat chick causes masses problems in the bedroom and I am not just talking about breaking bedframes for being too heavy a load for it, but I am talking about trying to get the dick past the deep ass cheek doors.

Either way, I know I love Kate Moss and find her fucking hot. But this whole Amy Winehouse crystal meth addiction skinny obviously made her feel insecure about her weight so bitch had to do something about it and this is the result. I hate saying it, but she looks kinda disgusting, but at least she’s drinking a beer to make up for how bad her ass, legs and tits look now.

2007

25

Jun

I am – Christina Aguilera at a Press Conference in China With Her Big Ol’ Tits of the Day

2 Comments »

I was out of town all weekend, like Christina Aguilera, only she was in China promoting something with her fat pregnant tits and I was up in the woods with no internet connection.

It’s called a low cost family vacation and what you do is hitch a ride up to the country with your neighbor and set up a tent he provides in the backyard of the shitty trailer park camp ground he’s been going to for the last 25 years and spend 2 days drinking his beer and eating his potato chips but the most important thing is to leave your fat wife at home and not tell her where you are going because she’s fat and wouldn’t fit in the tent, or be able to bend down and crawl in, but also becaue she is annoying and would constantly want me to babysit her while I want to do other things like sleep all day, try to spy on other campers all night in hopes of listening to them bang.

I always hated camping, even though it was cheap. I just found the whole concept stupid and I like beds more than sleeping on the ground in the woods getting eating by mosquitoes. But I guess as time goes on you realize that being at one with nature while drinking free booze and watching young french girls in bikinis is a hell of a lot better than sitting at your shitbox apartment eating ground beef.

When I was a kid, I was sent to some bible camp by my “foster/adoptive” parents in texas. The fucking thing was a week of Jesus but on the second night there, I snuck out to wander the grounds and shit, I came across 2 of the councillors, who were probably 16 or 17 going at each other like rabid raccoons, bitch was sprawled on all fours and dude was slammin her like it was an order from god. He was committed to her shit, and I sat and watched as it was my first time seeing people bang and I was loving it. The rest of the week, when dudes told me to be good or filled me up with that religious propaganda I knew that they, like me, were full of shit….

I guess all these camping stories kinda suck, but so does the fact that Christina Aguilera is married and knocked up to some dude who may not be much of a looker, but is more successful than you’ll ever be, so I guess you can shit on him all you want or just accept that she is a wallet fucker and start earning for your chance in. Good news is that she doesn’t use condoms….

2007

25

Jun

I am – Christina Aguilera at a Press Conference in China With Her Big Ol' Tits of the Day

2 Comments »

I was out of town all weekend, like Christina Aguilera, only she was in China promoting something with her fat pregnant tits and I was up in the woods with no internet connection.

It’s called a low cost family vacation and what you do is hitch a ride up to the country with your neighbor and set up a tent he provides in the backyard of the shitty trailer park camp ground he’s been going to for the last 25 years and spend 2 days drinking his beer and eating his potato chips but the most important thing is to leave your fat wife at home and not tell her where you are going because she’s fat and wouldn’t fit in the tent, or be able to bend down and crawl in, but also becaue she is annoying and would constantly want me to babysit her while I want to do other things like sleep all day, try to spy on other campers all night in hopes of listening to them bang.

I always hated camping, even though it was cheap. I just found the whole concept stupid and I like beds more than sleeping on the ground in the woods getting eating by mosquitoes. But I guess as time goes on you realize that being at one with nature while drinking free booze and watching young french girls in bikinis is a hell of a lot better than sitting at your shitbox apartment eating ground beef.

When I was a kid, I was sent to some bible camp by my “foster/adoptive” parents in texas. The fucking thing was a week of Jesus but on the second night there, I snuck out to wander the grounds and shit, I came across 2 of the councillors, who were probably 16 or 17 going at each other like rabid raccoons, bitch was sprawled on all fours and dude was slammin her like it was an order from god. He was committed to her shit, and I sat and watched as it was my first time seeing people bang and I was loving it. The rest of the week, when dudes told me to be good or filled me up with that religious propaganda I knew that they, like me, were full of shit….

I guess all these camping stories kinda suck, but so does the fact that Christina Aguilera is married and knocked up to some dude who may not be much of a looker, but is more successful than you’ll ever be, so I guess you can shit on him all you want or just accept that she is a wallet fucker and start earning for your chance in. Good news is that she doesn’t use condoms….

2007

22

Jun

I am – Juggling Man of the Day

46 Comments »

I am all for showcasing talent on my website, even when that talent creeps the fuck out of me. I don’t know what turns a person into a juggler, but I am glad to know that there are some people out there who see a set of balls and grab them and teach themselves how to use them properly.

I remember hearing about a jugglers club a while ago, where a group of street people and hippy freaks would get together on friday nights to train and master the art of juggling. I was tempted to tip off the FBI because I am pretty sure that a man who juggles is a man who may be inclined to diddle little boys.

I am not saying that this dude is a ped, I wouldn’t want to get sued, I am just saying that maybe he likes hanging out with kids a little too much and from what I’ve been told, being able to dazzle them with a solid juggle is much more effective than asking them if they like candy or if they want to come see your puppy.

That said, here’s Mr Juggle Man, seen on the streets locally but I am sure you can book him to perform at kids birthday parties, school activity days, maybe even hire him as a babysitter or for your bachelor party, if you’re into this kind of thing. Remember there is nothing funny about pedophiles or abusing little kids and I am sure this dude’s a nice talented guy but there is something funny about a grown man who juggles….and he’s just going have to come to terms with that.

I put this song in the video because of that annoying juggling viral video that was huge a year ago. It’s my attempt at being funny. I never said I was good at it.

Posted in:Juggler|stepTV|Unsorted

2007

22

Jun

I am – Lohan in Rehab of the Day

1 Comment »

Rehab for celebrities is like a fucking vacation from a life that is already a vacation. I remember when I was sent to state issues rehab the shit involved a cinder block shitty prison where we’d have to clean and do chores in the morning and meet for 3 or 4 group therapy sessions in throughout the day where I’d be forced to listen to other addicts talk about the depressing shit that’s happened to them over the years turning them into the addicts they are leaving me in desperate need of a drink. The only real benefit of this shitty facility was that the food was included and I guess where there’s free food and a bunch of people who hate themselves, there’s always a good fucking time.

In the rehab facility I went to, we weren’t allowed to leave for 5 weeks. I met people who made me want to try drugs I had never heard of and when I got out I was drinking within an hour. I guess I kinda bullshitted them when they went through the exit exam questions, if they ask you if you are suicidal say no, if they ask you if you love yourself say yes, if they ask you whether you’re going to drink again say no. If only school was that easy, I’d have my fuckin Doctorate and I wouldn’t be wasting my time going to to dictionary.com to see if I spelled spelled right, or is it spelt. I don’t fucking know, but I do know that a dry Lohan in a bikini makes for good times, but I am lookin forward to her falling off the wagon.

Posted in:Bikini|Lindsay Lohan|Rehab|Tits|Unsorted

2007

22

Jun

I am – Marisa Miller Bikini Photoshoot of the Day

2 Comments »

There’s pretty much nothing better than a bikini model in a bikini because these girls are pro. They get paid huge money to rock a bikini while every other woman in the world just works hard as fuck on her body so that wearing a bikini doesn’t embarrass them. So they sit in the gym every night after work, some of them save up their money to get breast implants, and when all is said and done, they look good enough for me, which isn’t saying much because I have no standards, but not quite good enough to make a living from it. So someone like Marisa Miller, who may not even work half as hard as some of you do to look good enough for the best body contest on your next springbreak trip, is pretty much there to tell us all that we aren’t even almost as close to as hot as she is.

There are people like this in everything, whether it’s the kid who always aces the exams at school, the coworker who the boss loves and always gives him raises to keep him around because he is substantially better than you, then sibling who your parents are proud of and not ashamed of like you, the good looking person everyone you know wants while ignoring you, the guy with more money than you who is always showing you up whether in houses he owns, cars he buys, vacations he goes on or even nights at the club. There will always be girls with bigger tits than you, guys with bigger dicks than you, people who are cooler than you, people who are funnier than you, people who sing better than you, people who everything just works out for while you’re on your struggle….

The point is that you have to embrace the fact that you aren’t good at anything, that there will always be people who look, act, smell and perform better than you, and love you mediocrity, even if it means you’ll have a sad and lonely existence, or one spent with other mediocre people, because envy is a bitch and while you wish bad things upon the people that make you feel like shit about yourself, you can turn to the internet a rub one out to a bikini model, like she was on all fours on your dining room table, because fantasy is a hell of a lot better than your reality.

2007

22

Jun

I am – Beyonce Bathing Suit Ass of the Day

6 Comments »

I am about as into Beyonce as I am into beastiality. Not because I am a racist but because bitch reminds me of a dog. A very big dog with an angelic bark that wants me to say its name and feels like its a survivor who spends her days being lazy as fuck doing nothing while people like you have to work.

I guess you could argue that she paved her own way, she made her own money, she did her own thing and worked really hard for a few years to get where she is, but I can’t help buy be bitter about things, not because I feel like I deserve her life, but I do feel like some people don’t deserve fame and fortune for such menial things like singing.

My biggest issue with celebrity, and I don’t want to get preachy, because preachy is fucking boring and I don’t really give a fuck about it, but I will say that there are a lot of people out there who help people, who do good things, who make the world work, and who spend their lives slaving away to support their families and to better themselves and have nothing to show for it. They end up dying from the stress, or living broke as shit in a shitty apartment, unable to do much but wait until their time is up. Sure they may have good families, they may be satisfied but when bitches like this rub it in our faces living their life of excess, I just think it’s greed.

There’s so much shit going on out there, there is so much the kind of money this bitch makes in a year could do to help, and even if she goes on some Oprah kick and opens a school or gives a million dollars to charity it would be the equivalent of someone who makes 30,000 dollars a year giving 100 dollars to some poor kid foundation. I guess 100 dollars is a lot when you only make 30,000 a year, but it base cost of living takes priority. When you make 20,000,000 dollars a year, you have enough to pay you base living costs and even if bitch was to clear 1,000,000 dollars a year after all is said and done, she’s still living better than the rest of us.

When I see these pictures, I think greed.

Posted in:Ass|Bathing Suit|Beyonce|Unsorted

2007

22

Jun

I am – Jenny McCarthy and Carmen Electra Hang Out Together of the Day

1 Comment »

I remember when these two bitches were considered the hottest thing Playboy and MTV ever did. It was the 90s and I am surprised I remember much from that era. I am happy to see that they are still friends because I am pretty sure back then they both hated the fuck out of each other. I am sure many plastic surgeons were bidding on their business by playing their tits up against each other, but in their old haggard age all that is behind them. Seeing these two sluts together reminds us all that there can be unity in this mean world, all you have to do is get older and realize that both your careers were created because of your fake tits and that anyone with 5,000 dollars could be you, so now that younger and hotter girls are taking over the seen, maybe it’s time to put your differences aside and compare what happens to fake tits as you age.

Posted in:Carmen Electra|Jenny McCarthy|Unsorted

2007

22

Jun

I am – Brooke Hogan Bikini Photoshoot of the Day

2 Comments »

When I used to watch wrestling in the 80s I used to think about how fucking gay it was. There were men in briefs greased up and rubbing all up on each other while play fighting. It always made me uncomfortable, not because I am homophobic, but because every time a greased up half naked man asked me to play fight I knew what he was up to. I used to always think to myself that since this shit is already so fucking homosexual, they should switch things up a bit and dress like women. You know rockin’ bikinis and dresses and turning shit into something you’d see at a Gay Pride parade. Thanks to Hulk Hogan’s hooker of a wife and his magical steroid sperm, I can live out that fantasy with his daughter. I can admit that she’s not all that bad since so lost weight, and that she’s the kind of girl guys go to strip clubs for, but no matter how hard I try, all I see is a platinum blonde handlebar mustache and a guy in yellow giving me life advice. If the world had an icon like Hulk Hogan today with his big muscles and workout audio cassette tapes, maybe it would be a better place. While you think about that, check out his daughter half naked….that’s why I posted these pictures.

Posted in:Bikini|Brooke Hogan|Unsorted

2007

22

Jun

I am – Mena Suvari in a Bikini of the Day

46 Comments »

I have a feeling that these bikini pictures of Mena Suvari are old, but I know that they are new to the site because I checked my archives for once. I don’t really keep track of all the bikini pictures I see anymore because my brain is over-saturated and they all look the fucking same. I have a feeling that I have seen so many girls in bikinis that if I was to go to the beach, I will have sworn that I had already seen half those girls rockin’ the same bathing suit before. It’s not because I can predict the future, but because I think in bikini now. When people ask me questions about anything, my brain goes directly to all the bikini pictures I’ve seen before being able to answer them. The internet may have made me socially awkward, but all these bikini pics have made me stupid. People say you can’t get too much of a good thing, I think you can. I have a few friends who have died from drug overdoses. I know a few people who went broke because of hookers. I know a guy who ate so much chocolate cake that he ended up having a heart attack at 30 and this one dude I knew loved unprotected sex so much that he got 4 girls pregnant at the same time and one of them gave him STDs. But since my life has little meaning, posting more bikini pictures, although making me look like a desperate loser who can’t meet real girls so I turn to the Internet to get any sort of impotent action, probably won’t kill me, but your chronic masturbation to girls with big foreheads in skimpy shit on the beach will. At least that’s the story I heard.

Posted in:Ass|Bikini|Mena Suvari|Unsorted

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