I'll Make You Famous…
 
 

Archive for the Unsorted Category

2007

15

Jun

I am – Poor Ladies Picking Up Cans of the Day

I am feeling really uninspired. There are no good pictures for me to write about. I am still hungover and I don’t have much to say. I had this video lying around from a few months ago and figured that it is worth posting now. I don’t think poor people collecting cans to make some money to feed their families is all that funny, but on a nice day the day before your weekend I figure I should try to take you down a notch from your perfect little world. A little back story is that these women went crazy on me for taking the video, they kept calling me a dirty son of a bitch and I ran away from them like the pussy I am. I figure since they had no shame in picking up people’s trash, they’d probably have no shame in jabbing a broken bottle in my neck or some shit. I didn’t get that part on vide, but I’m not good at this shit so this will have to do. Enjoy your weekend and spending your hard earned money on things you don’t really mean on the beautiful summer days. Asshole.

Posted in:Homeless|Poor|stepTV|Unsorted

2007

15

Jun

I am – Amanda Beard Signing Playboy Pictures of the Day

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When a woman decides to get naked for the world to see a strange thing happens and that strange thing is that they suddenly become sluts in public, I’m talking everywhere they go. I am not sure if it’s because they figure that since everyone has seen them naked, there is no point in holding back or if it is some prior slut issues that they’ve kept locked up all these years…

To you she’s been Olympic Athlete, to me she’s a whore who spends days upon days upon days in a bathing suit and to her ex boyfriend she was probably the first girl to take it up the ass. I think it’s got to do with being on the swim team that makes girls crazy.

I’ve seen my share of swim teams and all the girls no matter what age flash each other, talk about shaving their boxes and shower together. I remember that was my motivation behind volunteering at the local high school as an assistant swim coach, but I didn’t get the job after I told the coach what my motivation was….

Either way, I guess no one told her that she has a pretty wrecked face, they probably didn’t want to ruin her day, her excitement, she even went out and bought little shorts and heels to have some level of femininity after all those years of being an athlete in the gym, which is about as feminine as Gerri Halliwell’s huge trainer walking her faggot dog….

Bonus – Picture of Gerri Halliwell’s Huge Trainer Walking Her Faggot Dog….

Posted in:Amanda Beard|Playboy|Unsorted

2007

15

Jun

I am – Danielle Lloyd Bikini Pictures of the Day

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I am getting bored of posting bikini pictures. I am thinking because they aren’t that inspiring and all I can really say is shit like “look at those tits” or “check out that ass” and it’s boring. You’d think that lookin’ at pictures of a slut half naked would get me all pumped to write some story about a bitch I once fucked who liked wearing bikinis or some other random shit, but I think I’ve said all I can say for the week about bikinis. I am more into seeing the slut first hand and watching her move in real life is a little more my thing. Pictures are boring and the equivalent of saying you’re rather check out pictures of a girl posing naked than actually being in the room with her posing naked. Regardless, I am compelled to throw these up because it is what I do and I know that’s why you come to the site and I am really all about pleasing you. I actually don’t really give a fuck about you or what you think but I figured it’s nicer to pretend that I do.

I went to the pool on Monday where the strippers hang out all day and I should be there today but I am convinced the heat is going to kill me. They always warn the weak and old to stay in on days like today and I figure that I am a bit of both and that since I don’t want to die I’ll just stick to my computer. When I was there all the girls seemed to think they were Paris/Lohan/celebrities as they sipped their cocktails in bikinis and I realized that if you venture out of your house, you don’t need sites like mine. I rely heavily on you being a reclusive asshole and I guess I should thank you for that.

It’s also nice to see that a bitch is so self sufficient that she can be out in her bikini at least 10 times this last month, rubbing it in all our faces that we suck at life.

Posted in:Bikini|Danielle Lloyd|Uncategorized|Unsorted

2007

15

Jun

I am – Jade Goody Nipples of the Day

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This bitch’s name is Jade Goody and she’s a fat chick from big brother showing of her fat titties that she made at the all you can eat dessert bar, it only took her 14 years. Fuck implants. Eat cake.

I always wondered why every contestant of Big Brother was into flashing tit, cunt and whatever else they could after leaving the show and I think I figured it out. I had theories like the producers hypnotized them and that the producers gave them some kind of medication that fucked up their sense of shame because that would give the show higher ratings, but realized that it would be a hell of a lot more cost effective to just cast total sluts who have no issue showing their junk on TV. I guess another theory is that they thought Big Brother would be their big break and it’s only lead them to a taste of success and fame because as soon as the next season rolls out so do the old contestants. In this case bitch rolled out to the all you can eat buffet.

I have no real stories of sluts wanted to be famous right now, but I am feeling kinda too hungover to try to think back to pull out a decent story, so I’ll let this big momma’s breasts that can feed a nation with nipples are like a beer tap distract you from my shitty post.

Posted in:Big Brother|Jade Goody|Nipples|See Through|Tits|Unsorted

2007

15

Jun

I am – Michelle Trachtenberg Shopping With Mom of the Day

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I saw these pictures and felt compelled to post them because I am convinced that if any other celebrity site bothered to post them they’d make a joke about what Michelle Trachtenberg is going to look like when she gets older, like that whole look at their mother bullshit theory idiots say when they date girls with fat moms.

My theory is who cares what the mother looks like, it’s not like you’re going to be with them long enough to see that happen. If you’re lucky enough to have a girlfriend who lets you see her naked right now, I can pretty much guarantee she’s not the girl who is going to marry you, she’s just going through a phase, unless she already looks like Michelle Trachtenberg’s mom.

Let’s face it, ugly chicks are desperate and have cinderella wedding dreams too…and it takes losers like you to make those dream come true. So don’t think that your life has no purpose, because it does, just not a very amazing purpose that a lot of people would envy, but reality is that you shouldn’t want people to envy you. You’re your very own Make a Wish Foundation….

I am not here to shit on you and your dreams, I just encourage everyone to do what makes them happy and who am I to judge you. Just because I married a bitch who is fatter and more disgusting than this Trachtenberg mom and from my experience I think that marrying old fat cooter is like marrying a pile of shit, only this pile of shit eats and nags and eats and sleeps and complains and tries to sleep with you when you really don’t want to see them naked or venture into those parts traumatizing you to the point where you can’t get boners anymore…doesn’t make me an expert. Reality is, you shouldn’t even be reading this.

Posted in:Fat|Jewish|Michelle Trachtenberg|Mom|Unsorted

2007

15

Jun

I am – stepLINKS of the Day

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This is a story I wrote in an email today that I am recycling here because like someone said in the comments, that Paris letter wiped me out. I even had to go to the post office, interact with people and include my home phone number to send it out. I am hoping it gets me sued or a response but reality is, it probably won’t get to her…it also took me over an hour to write out on toilet paper, despite what people think. I tried scanning it as proof, it worked out pretty shitty, but it’s enough proof for me to let you know what sounded like a bad joke, happened.


Shitty Scan of Paris Letter on Toilet Paper Before Sending It
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Anyway, I had an unfortunate run-in with the custom department today because a company sent me up a box full of rubber vaginas to review for the site. They told me that the value listed at 7 dollars was too low and that one rubber vagina alone cost well more than 7 dollars, I told them that they were defective and that a box full of broken vaginas is like a box full of broken dreams. It made me laugh so I decided to share the story with you….the custom girl wasn’t as impressed as I expect you to be, which isn’t very impressed but take your barely there level of impressed and divide it in 2 and that’ll leave you with 10 times more impressed than this bitch. I was never good in math so I have no idea what I just said.

Here are my links….

Introduce Yourself
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Brooke Hogan and Her Tits that I Think Are Fake
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Johnny Depp on an Asian Talkshow
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Cameron Diaz’s Surfing Ass From a Month Ago That Everyone is Posting Today
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Lesbian Surfers on TV
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Rebecca Romijn Lookin’ Hot in this Ad Campaign
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Paris Hilton Cupcakes that Made Me Laugh because I am Trying to Exploit her Too
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Topless News of the Week
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Check out the archive of Price Is Right Models of Yesteryear…It’s the new porn….
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Tara Reid Rockin’ Some Uggs Like it Was 2002
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Victoria Beckham’s Nipples Do The Today Show
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14 Year Old Liked Eating Her Own Hair Like it was Food Video…
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iPod Ad’s Got Bush
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Bianca Gascoigne Nipslip
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Nicole Richie is Preggers
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Coco’s Tits and Their 2007 Calendar Shoot Video
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Lohan is Being Sued for a Crash That Happened in 2005
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Elisha Cuthbert Lookin’ Fat While Shopping…
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Some Insanely Busty Chick Taking a Shower
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Some Dude Gets Smacked By a Security Guard
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Cruel Cops Beat a Woman and Kid Apparently
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Heather Graham Vintage Nude Pics
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Backstage With Nude Model Luba
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Woody Harrelson and McConaughey Burn a Spliff
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Some Dude Gets Squeezed By 2 Chicks in Bikinis
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Gemma Atkinson Bikini Pics from some Calendar Shoot in Asia
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Teen Whore Model Pure Dee Humps a Pillow
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Lookin’ Good Sweetheart
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Rod Stewart’s Loser Son Is in Jail for an Assault that Happened 2 Months Ago
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Paris Hilton was Visited by a Plastic Surgeon When She Was Under House Arrest Maybe She’s Trying to Get a New Face for When She Escapes
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Angelina Joke Wearing a Cheap Dress But Still Lookin Good Enough For You To Jerk Off To
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The Olsen’s are Finally 21
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Wild Cat Poops in a Car
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Some Grl in Pretty Much No CLothes Dancing and Bending and Splitting in Ways Only a Pro Could Do…
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Some Chick Named Elsa Pataky Photoshoot in Lingerie
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K-Fed Knocked Up Some Slut for the 3rd Time
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Kathy Hilton Supports Barbara Walters
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Funny Car Mishap
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Some Chick Shakin Her Bare Fat Ass
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Jamie Pressly Bikini Magazine
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This Dude is the Founder of Church of Satan’s Grandson and He’s a Total Pussy
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Megan Fox is Hot
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Lookin’ Good Sweetheart
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Buy This Spray It May Help Get You Laid
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Posted in:stepLINKS|Unsorted

2007

14

Jun

I am – Lindsay Lohan Leaving the Gym and Letter to Paris Hilton in Jail of the Day

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Haven’t seen much of Lohan in a while, except in my dreams, unfortunately. She’s been in rehab and working out because exercise gives us that the natural high and what better way to kick one habit with another one with positive effects. I had a friend who quit meth years ago and took a liking to brushing his teeth chronically. Other addicts find Jesus. Lohan find the elipticycle. The funny thing about these pictures isn’t her ass, but her “Unstoppable” hat, It’s like rehab gives these idiots stupid tools to cope like t-shirts and hats that say positive life changing things because if you wear it you start to believe it.

I personally don’t like ironic shirts, they kinda piss me off because every frat boy and their sister has an “Idaho no you da ho” shirt, but if it makes a bitch flash her tits then I guess I shouldn’t complain about being dressing like jackasses.

Either way, I was emailed Paris Hilton’s address in prison, so I decided to write her a letter. It’s one of those back them into the fucking corner like a caged rat and force them to read the fucking thing situations. I capitalize on all opportunities to tell people like Paris I exist so this is what I wrote her.

Paris Hilton #9818783
450 Bauchet Street
Los Angeles, CA 90012

Dear Paris,

I was just sitting next to a middle-aged woman who was talking to her friend about how she went to her gyno and he told her that she had a tight box. She said something along the lines of turning sand into diamonds with her shit or something and I thought of you. Not because you have a tight box or because you’re a middle aged women or because you visit the gyno as much as you probably should, but because you were on the cover of the magazine they were reading.

I used to call you and text message you about a year ago pretending I was talking to a bitch named Brenda from Maryland who broke my heart. You played along with it for a while, you even told me that Lohan had herpes but never told anyone who she banged raw dog. Then you blocked my number and told me you were going to call the cops on me. I was forced to start calling Stavros instead and he got all emotional on me when I made fun of him for giving Petra Nemcova herpes, but you don’t care about that. Water under the bridge. Right.

What you do care about is living through this prison sentence. I want to tell you that I am there for you when you get out. I figure this prison pen pal shit makes dreams come true. I actually met my fat wife Claudette when she wrote into me when I was in jail for robbing a convenience store for drugs about 15 years ago. I welcomed her attention and her pictures and decided that I’d move to Canada to be with her as soon as I got out and got cleared to enter Canada because they don’t like criminal records in. When I met her for the first time at the bus station I was pretty disappointed that she was about 300 pounds and those hot pictures she was sending me were of her cousin. I still married her because I had no where to go. But you don’t care about that. You are too busy caring about yourself.

I know that you won’t really have to worry about having nowhere to go when you get out. I know that you will go back to normal and will be back in the party scene pantyless for people like me to post on the internet and talk about. I know that a month after you get out, you’ll forget your claims to be a good influence to the kids who look up to you, what you don’t realize is that you are a good influence to the kids. You’ve made every 15 year old for the last 5 years drawn to filming sex tapes, rockin’ out at parties, throwing education out the window while sitting in VIP rooms and wearing designer clothes. I don’t think girls would be half as slutty as they are if you never hit the scene. So when you say you want to get your priorities straight, you have to recognize the good you’ve done for people like me. You don’t know how many times I’ve been in bars or in the park where I’ve seen girls jokingly flash each other their vaginas on camera or how many ex-girlfriend sex tapes that have hit since your ex-girlfriend sex tape. Even when they are staged, they are hot. As you know, little miss businessperson.

A lot of people sympathize with you for being raised in luxury and how this prison thing is a culture shock for you that you don’t deserve. They say it’s like letting a Panda born in captivity out into the wild for the first time to fend for itself. I always argue that even crackheads who robbed a bank for crack still cry for their moms when they get sent off to jail. I also think that there are laws in place for people to respect and if you don’t respect them you gotta pay the price, so stop being such a fucking baby about things. I fucking hate spoiled bitches and their whimpers, unless those whimpers are sounds of joy while sucking on a dick, but not my dick because I am impotent.

So stop complaining and start making license plates. I figured you to be versatile and just think of this as another episode of simple life without the makeup and that ratty piece of shit anorexic sidekick of yours. Take this like a holiday; make some friends, and just keep reminding yourself that at least you’re not me, it’s a fate worse than a week in prison, it’s a life sentence. I just hope you don’t get your period because I hear the other inmates are drawn to the smell of blood….not that you have much to worry about because HPV ruined your uterus, at least that’s what someone told me.

Now that I have you cornered with nothing better to do by read my letter, I decided to show you some of the stuff I’ve written about you over the years…but I hate going back through my archives, but I’ll let you do it when they give you some computer access at the prison learning center. The website is www.drunkenstepfather.com, it’s the best website on the internet that nobody reads.

The real reason I am writing you this letter, is not to make fun of you, it is to bring joy into your cold dark lonely cell. I don’t really give a fuck about the whole thing, but I do give a fuck about making myself famous and I plan on using you.

I figure we can do things two ways. Firstly, you can send me exclusive pictures that you take of yourself when you get out and I’ll post them exclusively on my site. I hate the paparazzi and figure if they’re making so much fucking money off you that you should eliminate them from the process by hiring a photographer to follow you everywhere you go so that I get good original pictures that everyone will want to see. Secondly, you can give me the exclusive Post Prison Interview that barbara walters has a soft on for and who is probably paying you lots of money for but I think you should choose my site just to throw people off and prove how Prison has clouded your judgement.

Speaking of clouding your judgement, I read that you’re having a real hard time trying to convince them to keep you in the psych ward and I have a solid solution for you it’s called Poo Art. You are pretty much stripped down to basics and have limited tools to convince people you’ve lost your mind and the best way I know how to do it is to use what god gave you and that’s shit. Basically, you just start drawing all over the walls of your cell with your shit while singing love songs from the 80s. When you are finished, or all out shit just start banging your head against the wall repeating your name over and over…it always works for me when I want out of a job or whatever.

Either way, To help you make your decision I decided to write you a poem and bEy write I mean copy from the internet and pretend I wrote it because I am not that creative.

I was too lazy to look for a poem to copy in, but I do look forward to a letter back from you because I think I deserve it for taking the time out of my busy day doing nothing to write you. Take care of yourself. Make me famous. Remember me when you’re out.

I guess this officially means you’re my prison girlfriend. I’ve always wanted one of those.

With Love,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com
info@drunkenstepfather.com

PS – I was going to include pictures of my asshole as jokes but it’s too inflamed and my shitty digital camera screen broke and doesn’t work, maybe you can buy me a new one since we’re technically in a relationship now. Thanks in advance.

PPS – I wrote this on toilet paper that I stole from the gas station because the only other paper in the house is old grocery store flyers my wife accidentally pissed on. I think I made the right choice. Cuddles.

Posted in:Ass|Lindsay Lohan|Paris Hilton|Prison|Rehab|stepEXCLUSIVE|stepSTALKER|Uncategorized|Unsorted|Working Out

2007

14

Jun

I am – Kelly Ripa Sucking Her Finger of the Day

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Here are some pictures of Kelly Ripa sucking some white substance off her fingers from an episode of her Regis and Kelly show. I am posting them because I like turning non sexual things into porno, because I have been labeled a porn site and being a smut peddler I realize that almost everything can be considered explicit whether it’s a girl making a weird face that if taken out of context looks like she’s taking it up the ass, or whether it’s girls eating ice cream that’s dripping down her chin or whether it’s a girl breast feeding her kid, or whether it’s a girl grocery shopping, or kissing her husband in public, everything can be considered porno to the right person.

I know that there are people out there who jerk off to some weird shit that they consider amazing that I think is disgusting. An example of that is scat. I hate the site and smell of my own liver-diseased horrible diet shit and to think of getting a girl to shit on me kinda makes me feel sick

Speaking of making me sick. I was talking to this amputee the other day who told me that he always wanted to be an amputee. He said something about how his neighbor was born with one leg and he always got a lot of attention from people that from that day on he knew he needed to be one so he spent his life trying to deal with the shit. Whenever he’d get a girl to fuck him he would try to hide his right leg like he didn’t have one, and eventually, he intentionally had an accident that he didn’t go into forcing them to remove his leg. I guess that’s not really turning something innocent into smut, but it’s a pretty good fucking story of how weird some of you fuckers are.

Point of this post is that Kelly Ripa is the best thing to happen to daytime tv. Bitch just does something right to me and I am not sure what it is. Just to clarify things, I am saying that as an impotent married man and not a virgin collecting every picture I can find of her on the internet.

Posted in:Kelly Ripa|Sucking|Unsorted

2007

14

Jun

I am – Lauren Holly’s Nipples of the Day

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When the pickings are slim you go for the drunk haggard divorcee in the corner with her tits hanging out at the bar. That’s pretty much what I did on the site today, only the rumor is that this Lauren Holly bitch is married, which is a good thing, because she doesn’t have a whole lot else going for her, except for the fact that she is a redhead with pretty big tits that you can barely see here…but since my content is always pretty shitty I figure why not post the fucking thing.

Speaking of shitty, I spend too much time on the internet. Last night I passed out at my computer at 4 am drunk because drinking is my favorite thing to do and I ended up having a dream about Lindsay Lohan. I know you don’t know me, but I seriously don’t give a shit about these celebrity whores and when they start haunting me in my dreams, I get annoyed. I don’t really remember what Lohan did in my dream last night, but it really wasn’t interesting. It involved her doing drugs and being crazy and somehow me being in her hotel room and ended up with me waking up in a cold sweat. I assume that means I need a vacation.

I’ll actually write some worthwhile about fucking old chicks or whatever later, but I am too busy trying to wake up. I can’t always be on. I am not your dancing little monkey but I will be if you start sending me money, I am a whore like that.

Speaking of whores, here’s Lauren Holly and her Nipples Jim Carrey once sucked.

Posted in:Lauren Holly|Nipples|See Through|Unsorted

2007

14

Jun

I am – Lauren Holly's Nipples of the Day

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When the pickings are slim you go for the drunk haggard divorcee in the corner with her tits hanging out at the bar. That’s pretty much what I did on the site today, only the rumor is that this Lauren Holly bitch is married, which is a good thing, because she doesn’t have a whole lot else going for her, except for the fact that she is a redhead with pretty big tits that you can barely see here…but since my content is always pretty shitty I figure why not post the fucking thing.

Speaking of shitty, I spend too much time on the internet. Last night I passed out at my computer at 4 am drunk because drinking is my favorite thing to do and I ended up having a dream about Lindsay Lohan. I know you don’t know me, but I seriously don’t give a shit about these celebrity whores and when they start haunting me in my dreams, I get annoyed. I don’t really remember what Lohan did in my dream last night, but it really wasn’t interesting. It involved her doing drugs and being crazy and somehow me being in her hotel room and ended up with me waking up in a cold sweat. I assume that means I need a vacation.

I’ll actually write some worthwhile about fucking old chicks or whatever later, but I am too busy trying to wake up. I can’t always be on. I am not your dancing little monkey but I will be if you start sending me money, I am a whore like that.

Speaking of whores, here’s Lauren Holly and her Nipples Jim Carrey once sucked.

Posted in:Lauren Holly|Nipples|See Through|Unsorted