Dita Von Teese is a fucking monster. Her pale skin. Her whole Vampire from the 1800s act. Her marrying Manson and it turns out so are her fucking friends. The worst thing about all this is that each and everyone of them is probably rich, bored and that’s why they joined whatever cult they are in, but I know that if I saw them standing anywhere, I’d either turn the fuck around or pull out my bible that I like to carry around with me everywhere I go because I like to bust it out to make the girls I date rape feel like they are actually in a motel room because I am considerate like that, when we hit the back alley, not that they’d remember it the next day. Oh…the beauty of modern medicine.
The paparazzi agency that owns these pictures of Lohan and Ronson on their Lesbian Beach Party are on my jock about posting their pictures. They want me to pay them 500 dollars for 100 images and they think that that is a good fucking deal. In trying to figure out how to get out of it, because I don’t have 500 dollars to pay them, I decided to find out who manages Samantha Ronson’s DJing and ask them for a letter of consent to use the pictures. I figure if I can get the approval from every celebrity, I’ll be in the clear and won’t have to shut down the site, or worse, figure out a new strategy to produce original content so that no one can come after me and sue me for using their shit. It turns out that despite them not caring about using their pictures, they don’t own their pictures and can’t give me the okay, despite being the stars of the fucking pictures. That was seriously backwards to me, but it isn’t as backwards as Lohan was the night before these pictures were when they were trying to find a new way to rub their vaginas together like they were trying to start a fire after they were left on a deserted island. It turns out that because the paparazzi rented a boat to stalk these poor girls when they are minding their own business, people like me have to pay big money to post and comment on the images. So fuck you paparazzi for killing my spirits and ruining the site one post at a time. I was pretty happy ruining the site on my own and didn’t think I needed help doing it. Either way, I am posting the pics anyway.
I always find it funny seeing fat people work out. I don’t know what it is but I always laugh in their face and feel the need to give them words of encouragement like I am watching someone run a marathon and are covered in shit and puke and 100 yards away from the finish line, only instead of actually doing anything impressive, the fat people are fully decked out in sports gear and are walking briskly, but still manage to have the look of impending death on their faces. I guess it’s nice to see people attempt to improve their overall health, but sometimes its a little too late for them and they should have probably taken the initiative by saying no to cake over the last 10 years of their life. I mean I am a fat guy and I live with a fat woman and I see both of us struggle to do everyday things, like fit into chairs, stand up after sitting on the couch and even when trying to fuck we end up giving up because of pulled muscles, uncontrollable heart rates and light headedness, which has turned out to be the greatest excuse no to bang my wife and also to never dress up in athletic gear and make a fool of myself in public.
Here’s Kim Kardashian still delusional about being a fat chick, she seriously thinks she’s normal sized and has the right to do what normal sized people do and that is funny.
Justin TImberlake’s in trouble. Here are the power couple and I am only labeling that because Biel can pench press a small car, at some friend’s wedding and it seems like she is part of the wedding party and like all Bride’s Maids, is probably feeling the burn in her vagina to find a man and lasso him in so that she can be the star of her own magical day one day, when all eyes will be on her and when she won’t just be the back burner sidekick in her friend’s moment of fucking glory. The whole thing is insane to me. I don’t understand marriage especially now that I am married and I only did it for financial security, I don’t get why women get so bored in their life that they want to spend a year of their life making annoying plans to have some fantasy wedding they dreamed of as a kid, but I do know that bridesmaids are always horny as fuck by the end of the ceremony and shit works better than roofies so there is no doubt in my mind that Justin Timberlake was sucking massive cock shortly after these pictures were taken.
Brooke Hogan is a fucking beast and she’s out showing off her big weird new tits in a bra to distract us from the pulsating 4 inch clit she’s got tucked away nicely in her pants. I have no idea why she’s making that scary face, but I assume scary faces is something the people close to Brooke Hogan are used to, especially the dudes who get to fuck her. I remember a while back, I was banging this girl who made the scariest fucking facial expressions while having sex. It was like watching a Jim Carrey movie, only it wasn’t funny. Shit went from normal passionate faces, to slowly getting possessed faces, to bad cartoon faces and always ended in tears, the worse thing about it was the noises that came along with those facial expressions, from grunts, to screams to cries of bloody fucking murder and I never knew whether to laugh or cry or put a pillow over her face, but I did always know that it was a total cockblock and was pretty much successful in not letting me come to orgasm. I guess it serves me right for pickin’ her up at some instution for the deaf.
I wonder who’s amazing idea it was to let the crazy lady play with innocent, unsuspecting kids. I remember when I was a kid, my foster parents took us on a trip to visit some religious cult in the mountains during the winter. Now I don’t know how familiar you are with religious cults, but they tend to breed insane fucking offspring. Sure the parents are all recovering addicts, fucked up people trying to get reformed, or just molestors figuring attaching themselves to something seemingly normal will distract the other parents from realizing that they like jerking off little boys. One night the parents had some Jesus dance, that was probably an orgy or something else twisted and distorted for God and they left this goth, before goth was really popular, who had been institutionalized numerous times for drugs and attempted suicide and assault and battery, fat 15 year old daughter of one of the families in the group to watch over the 5 kids of the other people in the group. Within five minutes of being left alone with the psycho, she was putting knives to are necks, threatening to burn down the house and even locked me outside in my pajamas to fend for myself because I called her out for being a fucking nutcase and making the other kids cry. In retrospect, I would rather have spent the night with her, than be alone with Britney Spears, despite how financially beneficial Britney is for ever dude who ever sticks his dick in her, she still remains and unstable mess of a person and I am pretty sure her pussy doesn’t smell like roses, unless those roses are dipped in rotting flesh, in which case she may smell like those specific roses, but not the roses you buy your mom on Mother’s Day.
I got this email saying that some Kim Kardashian twin was in some hip hop video, so I decided to click the link, because I was expecting to see the shit take place at a fast food joint, where the Kim Kardashian twin was smearing burgers all over her fat body, but instead I got this amateur garbage set to a shitty fucking song with some girls in cheap clothes who obviously think they are hot enough to be real hip hop video girls, but are in fact definitely not fit for the bill. Watch it, it made me laugh, probably because the dude behind the song and the video actually thinks he’s got skills or talent to take him to the top….but maybe it’s just because the girls are busted.
Shannen Doherty did a Details Magazine photoshoot and I think it’s pretty safe to say that her time is done. These remind me of some kind of Sears Catalog portraits only the trying to be sexy Flea Market version that you’d see above your trashy friend’s cocktail waitress mom’s bed, or that you’d see a fat middle aged mother getting done for her blue collar husband on their 20th wedding anniversary to show him that she’s still got it going on while trying to compete with the posters of cheesy fake titty sluts that he has all over his garage. The only thing that is worth anything is the Orange juice in the picture, but in all fairness to Shannen Doherty, I haven’t drank juice in months, my wife won’t buy the shit and I think I have scurvy and my body is craving vitamin C, but that doesn’t change the fact that her time’s pretty much done.
What country is complete without a President or a Vice President who spent some of her youth participating in Beauty Pageants, wanting to be a journalist, losing to an Alaskan Salmon, only to end up in Politics, who is anti-feminists, who thinks women should be house wives, who’s daughter got knocked up when she was 16, who didn’t back down on her anti abortion morals, that we all know is just bullshit politics to get votes, and who pretty much contributed to ruining her daughter’s life, who seems like an idiot, who isn’t all that well spoken, unless maybe you’re some kind of Gold Prospector or Inuit, but who can play a serious flute….
People email me asking why I care about US Politics, like that it is so insane that I write about the shit, or laugh about the shit. The truth is that I don’t, but I think it’s pretty ignorant to think the rest of the world doesn’t care or has no business caring about who is running the USA, considering you live in a country that influences or affects every country in the world, especially the one attached to your obese, uneducated asses as well as the countries you are bombing. I think it’s everyone’s business and we are all still shocked that Bush won in the first place after the Florida scandal, that Bush won for a second term after his first embarrassing run and we all know that you people are on a suicide mission, and we’re trying not to be the one on the ledge with you trying to talk you out of it, because we know what we say doesn’t matter and you’ll just grab us by the collar and bring us down with you. It’s the American way. You egocentric, patriotic cocksuckers. I like people who can step back and see how they’ve done wrong, not drones who just think they’re the best because they are told they are the best and everything they do is the best because they are the ones doing it. Let’s have a little self hatred for a fucking minute and keep emotions at the fuckin’ door and realize that Bush is illiterate and running your country for the last 8 years…Does that make any fucking sense to you, I don’t even let illiterates do the cash for me at the grocery store.
Either way, here’s Palin’s only talent…at least according to her, enjoy.
A friend of mine who I used to work out with about 10 years ago for about 2 months sent this clip of the new HBO show, Little Britain USA, which is a spin of of a UK show called Little Britain, that is some comedy show that makes fun of social observations. The reason I am posting it is because one of the 20 times I went to the gym with this dude, we went down to the locker room to put our coats in a locker and for him to take a shit because we had come with all our gear on and we walked into what seemed like a homo party.
Dudes were showering together and chatting about fucking chicks and getting drunk and business and all other things and when it came to drying off decided to stand right next to me as I patiently waited for my friend to finish and they continued to chat about random shit. So they stood right next to me completely naked for at least the 5 minutes we were in there, completely naked, drying off, as if neither wanted to make the first move to put some clothes on because it would lead the other one to believe that they aren’t as macho, or as comfortable being naked as the other one or some weird jock shit. So neither was budging, just naked, chatting about all things business and I didn’t think they were fags for being Jimbo’s together, or being naked next to each other, because it really wasnt that big of a deal, and if I was more comfortable with my small penis, I wouldn’t give a fuck who saw it, but it would be more on an in and out procedure and not a casual, uncomfortable encounter that seemed never ending. Even when I chimed in and told one of the dudes that I think they’re dry enough to get dresss, they freaked out on me calling me a faggot for watching them change, when the truth was it was hard to miss two assholes having a leisurely conversation naked.
This clip is pretty much exactly what happened to me, and I wanted to share it with you.
