I am slow fucking moving today, I am not sure why but I’ll blame it on the rain because it worked for Milli Vanilli until everyone realized that they should have actually blamed it on having no talent, that way there would have been so many less repercussions when the world found out that it wasn’t them singing their songs and they were just Britney Spearsing the shit. But I guess that doesn’t matter, what does matter is that Spice Girl Victoria Posh Spice is wearing a semi-sheer top and you can kinda make out her nipples if you look hard enough. This shit is like a magic eye poster that I could never get to work for me, no matter how long or cross-eyed I stared at the shit for maybe it’s more like getting off to scrambled porn because blue distorted women on the screen getting fucked is better than no women on the screen not getting fucked if you know what I mean, which you do because you lost your virginity to yourself watching scrambled porn in the 90s.
I am slow fucking moving today, I am not sure why but I’ll blame it on the rain because it worked for Milli Vanilli until everyone realized that they should have actually blamed it on having no talent, that way there would have been so many less repercussions when the world found out that it wasn’t them singing their songs and they were just Britney Spearsing the shit. But I guess that doesn’t matter, what does matter is that Spice Girl Victoria Posh Spice is wearing a semi-sheer top and you can kinda make out her nipples if you look hard enough. This shit is like a magic eye poster that I could never get to work for me, no matter how long or cross-eyed I stared at the shit for maybe it’s more like getting off to scrambled porn because blue distorted women on the screen getting fucked is better than no women on the screen not getting fucked if you know what I mean, which you do because you lost your virginity to yourself watching scrambled porn in the 90s.
I think Lohan is the hottest thing out there. I don’t really know why, because she’s really not all that hot, but there’s just something about her that makes me feel like a natural woman and by natural woman I mean pervert who wants to see her naked.
I was talking to some girl last night who was wasted and she asked me if I liked to fuck donkeys because I was fat and Mexican looking, I responded by saying that I don’t fuck donkeys but I wouldn’t mind fucking her because her cunt probably smells like a barn, but in reality I am a married man and would much rather make out so I could taste the cum from the last 5 dudes she’s fucked that day on her mouth, not cuz I am into other dude’s cum, I am not gay like that, but I am all about sluts.
Here are some pictures of Lohan’s Big Fucking Tits in Utah where she’s moving for some snowboarding dude she met in rehab, but I am sure it’s just a phase and she’ll relapse soon enough, let’s just hope that relapse happens on my dick.
I think Lohan is the hottest thing out there. I don’t really know why, because she’s really not all that hot, but there’s just something about her that makes me feel like a natural woman and by natural woman I mean pervert who wants to see her naked.
I was talking to some girl last night who was wasted and she asked me if I liked to fuck donkeys because I was fat and Mexican looking, I responded by saying that I don’t fuck donkeys but I wouldn’t mind fucking her because her cunt probably smells like a barn, but in reality I am a married man and would much rather make out so I could taste the cum from the last 5 dudes she’s fucked that day on her mouth, not cuz I am into other dude’s cum, I am not gay like that, but I am all about sluts.
Here are some pictures of Lohan’s Big Fucking Tits in Utah where she’s moving for some snowboarding dude she met in rehab, but I am sure it’s just a phase and she’ll relapse soon enough, let’s just hope that relapse happens on my dick.
Last night ended with me being the last person in the bar talking to some dude who was with some busted girl and every time she turned away he’d reassure me that he doesn’t normally have sex with such ugly girls but it was 3:30 in the morning and he figured why the fuck not treat her like the prostitute she wants to be treated like. I guess having standards is useless because ugly girls have vaginas too, and if they are willing to let you visit their vaginas, you might as well take the gift and roll with it, you just gotta be strategic like not let it happen at your place and you gotta make sure they never get your phone number or else you’ll get trapped to an ugly chick because you’re hooked on fuckin’ even if fuckin her is like fucking a bathtub filled with mash potatoes. If you’re wondering why I know what fucking a bathtub of mash potatoes is like, realize that this life of mine has been a pretty ridiculous one…
I am pretty slow on this because I am pretty fucking hungover. I guess that’s what happens when you drink but drinking shouldn’t be an excuse for me because I try to always be drunk.
I decided that I want to do a video of doing things sober and proving that I can do the same task while drunk…like important shit like performing surgery on someone, operating heavy machinery and whatever else you consider important. I probably won’t do it because I hear the camera adds 10 pounds so I wouldn’t fit in the frame but lucky for you, Britney’s vagina does.
I am not going to write the standard shit about how it probably smells like cheetos or that she’s so dirty and gross because I don’t care what people say and it looks pretty nice and well contained to me and because I am sure the women reading this have way grosser shit going on in their pants and have probably had a lot more unprotected cock than Britney ever has, but you just don’t realize that you’re a slut because you don’t want to admit that shit to yourself and because all your friends are sluts too and because you let the guys wine and dine you while the whole world isn’t watching you so you think you have self-respect. But we know what’s really going on with your meaty fucking junk.
I overheard some chick ranting about Britney replacing the words to the song “Gimme More” with “I’m a Whore”, I felt like my brain had just been raped by her bad joke that she thinks is genius and probably dropping to everyone she sees like she just found the cure to cancer…speaking of rape now you can live out those Britney rape fantasies with a picture of her box, instead of that useless drawing you made on the back of a cocktail napkin.
The only reason I am posting these pictures of some useless funny-faced America’s Next Top Model winning reality TV star and aspiring model is because I read something hysterical on her WIKIPEDIA page.
CariDee stated during the cycle that she worked as a photographer before appearing on America’s Next Top Model. She has suffered from psoriasis for 15 years. and believed her dream of becoming a model was unattainable. However, a doctor recommended Raptiva, a drug that she still injects weekly in order to control the disease, and it has worked well for her skin, although a small patch still remains.
I guess it’s just one of those things that happens in life. The ugly chick in the back of the high school class with allergies, asthma, braces, glasses and a weight problem grows up to be some over-compensating hot chick, while the hot chick who had all the dudes and the biggest tits grows up to be the fat slob with kids and a husband who doesn’t want to fuck her…the formative years can really ruin a good thing, but on the flipside turn a damaged pile of shit with a rash into a rose….I am so deep.
I remember running on this kick many years back to fuck all the hot chicks who I wanted to fuck in highschool who became fat and busted because I assumed would be easy because they were craving that male-attention they once had in their prime….I was wrong. Even as fat chicks they wanted nothing to do with me, I guess that’s just the story of my life.
I am all about spanish chicks. I don’t know why but I think it’s gotta do with fear. They are passionate people and when you wrong them they go fucking crazy and I guess the whole getting stabbed in my sleep for trying to get another girl to show me her tits makes me feel really loved because I would never kill anyone for anyone, I just don’t care enough about anyone to bother, but knowing that a girl is willing to go psycho for me is makes my heart go pitter-patter.
I met a hot Spanish girl last night who knew about the site. It was a bit of an ego boost because I didn’t realize anyone actually read this shit and I was right, she landed on it by accident and never re-visited, but she still remembered the name and that kinda gives me a boner because it means more hot girls are out there and hopefully they are a little sluttier than this one because she was too busy being hot to let me convince her to show me her vagina. In all reality I was scared to ask because she’s Spanish and I didn’t want to get stabbed…..but I did make her whisper sweet nothings in her native tongue, unfortunately not the kind of tonguing I’m into….
Here are some Penelope Cruz using her tongue in her bikini with some boyfriend.
Here are some pictures of Petra Nemcova hugging Denzel Washington or Wesley Sinpes or Kanye West or whoever the fuck this is because I am not good at recognizing people, not because all black people look the same, you fucking racist.
I am trying this new thing called obvious joke, but I don’t think it’s going to work out too well for me, because I am not funny. So I guess I’ll stop it now. I got fucking tanked last night without realizing it. I was doing tequila shots like a good Mexican for a homies birthday and I was dropping what I thought was gold, and by gold I mean my pants. People weren’t laughing at the shit I was saying and I realized that I have no future in stand-up. I am not going to pressure myself to bring back the funny, you can just keep coming back to watch me slowly drowning in my own vomit.
Here are some pictures of Petra Nemcova hugging Denzel Washington or Wesley Sinpes or Kanye West or whoever the fuck this is because I am not good at recognizing people, not because all black people look the same, you fucking racist.
I am trying this new thing called obvious joke, but I don’t think it’s going to work out too well for me, because I am not funny. So I guess I’ll stop it now. I got fucking tanked last night without realizing it. I was doing tequila shots like a good Mexican for a homies birthday and I was dropping what I thought was gold, and by gold I mean my pants. People weren’t laughing at the shit I was saying and I realized that I have no future in stand-up. I am not going to pressure myself to bring back the funny, you can just keep coming back to watch me slowly drowning in my own vomit.
