I'll Make You Famous…
 
 

2006

08

Feb

Lohan, the supportive sister….

Lohan has one of those psycho mother, who had dreams of being famous but only landed a job as a Rockette, doing the fuckin’ Can-Can back in the 70s. Now I am not anti-showgirls, but I realize being a Rockette, is the equivalent of being an upscale stripper. It’s like when you look at the prostitution hierarchy, you have the streetwhores and the tranny whores at the 50 dollar level, you have the escorts that fuck you for 100 – 250 dollar an hour level, these are the ones advertised in the back of all the local papers and then you have the highclass bitch that cost 1000 dollars and hour and only escorts you to the Opera or dinner, only willing to put out if she likes you enough and thinks your worth it. So essentially you are paying a bitch for her company, with no guarantees of pussy, but that girls still a whore. That’s what Lohan’s mom is to the entertainment world, a glorified stripper, who doesn’t get naked. What good is that, so she settles down with some drug addict/boozer and has 14 kids in efforts that one will become famous. Now we all know what Lohan’s done for us, yesterday I posted on her little sister, well today I post on the brother, a striking young redhead, that Lindsay is pointing at and laughing at. He is the thirs Lohan to break into the industry, maybe he’s the one who will get it right. I am sure there are typos within this post, I know you hate my spelling mistakes. I guess you deserve an explination. I never went to post-secondary education and I am hung over. Last night I drank red wine. I felt pretty fuckin’ luxurious. Unfortunately, it was 7 dollars a bottle, which means it tasted like piss.

Posted in:Ali Lohan|Dina Lohan|Lindsay Lohan|showgirl|Unsorted

2006

08

Feb

Angelina Jolie in Vanity Fair

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This is really not my style. I never post magazine pictures, because I find that shit lame. I leave that to the other celebrity bloggers, who feel all exclusve when they drop their photospreads of Mandy Moore or whoever the fuck they are in love with. I let them do what they do, and stick to what I do. The only issue is that I don’t really know what I do, other that tell stories. When I think of Angelina Jolie, the only story that comes to mind is one of this whore I used to know. She had an Aids baby too, only she didn’t adopt it, she gave birth to it. I remember the joke in the halfway house was that she was a philathropist/charitable person, you know helping the Aids baby out, but we were just doing that to take away from the depressing fact that she too had Aids and was gonna die. I guess that Aids baby story wasn’t so happy on a beautiful winter day, maybe I should tell the one about Angelina in Montreal before she went baby/UN crazy. It involves her buying a truckload of cocaine of this local dealer I know. She was a regular customer, I’m talking calling him at all hours of the night, for about 6 weeks she was here. You gotta love a cokehead turned world’s most inspirational big breasted woman.

Here are some pics of Angelina when she was 18, filled with teenage angst, before this Mother Theresa kick. You’re still that bright eyed, relatively fresh vaginally, addict of a whore to me, Jolie.

Posted in:Unsorted

2006

08

Feb

Scary Sex Doll Of The Day

Everyone’s got fetishe, but I have always been against this sex doll bullshit. It’s not because I am a fucking born again, or against fucking inanimate objects, shit last week I shoved my dick in the toaster, hoping I’d feel something. Unfortunately, I had no luck and I’ve been applying polysporin to my dick all week, the burns just won’t go away and I think it’s infected. Either way, if you look at the pics of the above sex doll, the bitch looks like a dead body I saw on CSI, only bald. Anyone who fucks this shit’s got serious issue, unless they are drunk, but the dude who baths her, and changes her panties/wigs is always a little more fucked up. I wonder what his mom thinks when he brings this shit to x-mas dinner. “Hey Mom, I want you to meet my wife…” You are a creepy motherfucker, use your hand like everyone else. I am drunk.

Posted in:funny|Sex|sex doll|Unsorted

2006

08

Feb

Beyonce’s HUGE Ass

Too much fried chicken is what I think when I see Beyonce’s ass. I am not saying that because it’s some racial – chicken/watermelon/fat blond chick/ too lazy to work statement. I am saying it cuz she’s all over the fucking Popeyes, she had a sponsorship and got to eat free friend chicken all the time. The problem is that all the weight went to her ass and legs, and although guys pretend to like women who are hefty downtown, we really don’t, we just put up with it, cuz when you have a big ass, you usually have big tits, and we like tits….so point of the story is Beyonce is fat, and i will get a ton of motherfuckers disputing that…but guess what asshole, I have pictures to prove it.

Posted in:Ass|Beyonce|Black|huge|Unsorted

2006

08

Feb

Beyonce's HUGE Ass

Too much fried chicken is what I think when I see Beyonce’s ass. I am not saying that because it’s some racial – chicken/watermelon/fat blond chick/ too lazy to work statement. I am saying it cuz she’s all over the fucking Popeyes, she had a sponsorship and got to eat free friend chicken all the time. The problem is that all the weight went to her ass and legs, and although guys pretend to like women who are hefty downtown, we really don’t, we just put up with it, cuz when you have a big ass, you usually have big tits, and we like tits….so point of the story is Beyonce is fat, and i will get a ton of motherfuckers disputing that…but guess what asshole, I have pictures to prove it.

Posted in:Ass|Beyonce|Black|huge|Unsorted

2006

08

Feb

Myspace Mom of the Day

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So I wrote a myspace message to some teenage mother. I respect fertile people and I think teenage pregnancy is really hysterical.

—————– Original Message —————–
From: DrunkenStepfather.com
Date: Feb 6, 2006 10:49 AM

if you are 23, and have 2 kids, does that mean you are a spic?
or are you native american on the indian reserve?
or are you just poor and trying to find a way to get an increase on the welfare checks.
I bet you have a mangled vagina.
Tell “Halen” (her son, named after Van Halen), Jesus Says Hello.

Love
Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

Nothing says crystal meth lab in our basement more than naming your ghetto kid after a ghetto band. Especially when you are 23 and your kid is 7. Either way, this is her response to me.

For one thing i am not on welfare and have a good job and a boy friend that i love vary much and you should keep your words to your self.
Thank you April

I know how bitches like this work. They are sad and loney and get themselves knocked up in efforts to keep their man, and always have someone by their site. This sometimes ends in deadbeat dads, but seriously, if you were to slam this girl in the parking lot outside the local sports bar, would you want to be stuck with her life. It’s called murder suicide for a reason.

I know I can’t spell, but typos are funnier from teenage mother’s cuz you know their preganancy forced them to quit grade 8.

Cuddles.

Posted in:Mom|MySpace|teenage|Unsorted

2006

08

Feb

When a Stranger Calls: Movie Review

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Remember that time you spent your Friday night drinking $7 rum and cokes at a place called “Lustâ€? or something equally gay, and the only thing that saved your night was getting so drunk that you didn’t have a chance to get depressed over not getting any pussy, again. Then, you wake up the next day on the couch, pants around your ankles, limp dick in hand, a headache so bad and cramps in your side that are making it hard to breathe.

And then when you finally make it to the washroom your asshole explodes into this horrible pile of green garbage, covering your toilet seat with olive green liquid shit, that you have to clean up before your mom walks in to see what all that noise is.

Well this is the movie version.

The only thing that made this movie worth the 15 dollars was following bitches in the theatre home, breaking into their homes, hiding in their washroom and surprising them when they go brush their teeth before bed. It’s always funny to surprise someone already on edge….it’s not a very good way to get laid though 3 out of 4 girls call the cops, that is if you let them live.

Camilla Belle: The Main Character

Posted in:movie review|Unsorted|When a Stranger Calls

2006

07

Feb

Scarlett Johansson in Vanity Fair

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I saw these pics last night. They bore me. I am posting them so Twitch knows that anything he submits, I have already seen. I don’t mind submissions, but I do mind motherfuckers linking out to celebrity blogs I hate within my comments. I don’t give a fuck about this bitch or her nasty fat ass. This isn’t the 1940’s motherfucker, fat bitches aren’t welcome in my house, except my wife, but technically it’s her house, I don’t have very good credit.

Posted in:Boobs|Scarlett Johansson|Unsorted|Vanity Fair

2006

07

Feb

Britney’s Parenting Techniques


This is all over the internet, I saw it on TV already, there’s really no point in me posting it because I have nothing interesting to say about it, but I generally don’t have anything interesting to say about much. I guess in Britney’s defense, I will say that my mother was a whore, as in a prostitute and not a whore as in I am a spoiled little rich kid and I hate my whore mother. Anyway, the point of the story is that she used to make me watch her get fucked by random men, I guess they were paying customers and she just wanted to show me what fucking is all about, I was lucky that the few times she did use condoms. She didn’t make me put them on for her, like her own personal condom applicator. I used to smoke cigarettes and drink booze with her when I was 5, and she was between jobs, she treated me like I was her useless slave and made me fist one of her friend’s in some on-stage performance. I think she made 10 dollars or something from it. I had no idea what I was doing at the time and in retrospect, one would find that a little disturbing, but I found it hot, and still do. We were in Mexico and we needed to eat.

All this to say, if driving with your kid on your lap is so bad, you should look at what your neighbors are doing to their kids behind closed doors and more importantly, Britney is rich, and nothing bad ever happens to the rich people.

Posted in:Britney Spears|kids|parent|Slut|Unsorted

2006

07

Feb

Britney's Parenting Techniques


This is all over the internet, I saw it on TV already, there’s really no point in me posting it because I have nothing interesting to say about it, but I generally don’t have anything interesting to say about much. I guess in Britney’s defense, I will say that my mother was a whore, as in a prostitute and not a whore as in I am a spoiled little rich kid and I hate my whore mother. Anyway, the point of the story is that she used to make me watch her get fucked by random men, I guess they were paying customers and she just wanted to show me what fucking is all about, I was lucky that the few times she did use condoms. She didn’t make me put them on for her, like her own personal condom applicator. I used to smoke cigarettes and drink booze with her when I was 5, and she was between jobs, she treated me like I was her useless slave and made me fist one of her friend’s in some on-stage performance. I think she made 10 dollars or something from it. I had no idea what I was doing at the time and in retrospect, one would find that a little disturbing, but I found it hot, and still do. We were in Mexico and we needed to eat.

All this to say, if driving with your kid on your lap is so bad, you should look at what your neighbors are doing to their kids behind closed doors and more importantly, Britney is rich, and nothing bad ever happens to the rich people.

Posted in:Britney Spears|kids|parent|Slut|Unsorted