Heidi Klum Archives - Page 14 of 15 Archive - DrunkenStepFather.com

Archive for the Heidi Klum Category

2008

Oct

Heidi Klum Does Victoria’s Secret Make Up of the Day

I guess that despite Heidi Klum’s fame and fortune she still belongs to Victoria’s Secret because here she is in pixie wings and posing with a slutty mannequin at their make-up launch. I guess it’s just a small price to pay since they saved her from a life of German Scat porn, an existence nobody really wants, because despite your love for it, getting shit on is never fun or sexy. It’s like that time I saved a girl from getting hit by a car when she was talking on her cellphone and demanded that she lets me see her naked as payment for my good deed, only in this case, Heidi Klum actually listens, where the girl I saved just called her boyfriend and told him some creep tried to get her naked because he pulled her from traffic when she was crossing the street on a green. Hey no one said my idea of saving lives is the same as your idea of saving lives, and in retrospect it was a pretty weak attempt to see pussy, but that’s not the point, the point is that I wonder what that mannequin she’s standing next to is named, she looks like she wouldn’t say no…..no matter how many fingers you’ve shoved in the hole you drilled into her after stealing her from the mall and bringing her back to your mom’s basement with you.

Posted in:Heidi Klum|Make-Up|Victoria's Secret

2008

Oct

Heidi Klum Almost Has an Upskirt While Miley Watches of the Day

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Here’s a pretty bananas picture that could have ended a lot better of Heidi Klum almost having an upskirt at some fashion show where Miley Cyrus anxiously awaits her boyfriend to come out on stage so that she can really feel like her decision to give him her cherry was the right one because he’s so desirable that he’s on the fucking runway and she’s his personal groupie who not only fucks him on command and buys him the shit he wants, but also shoots his name onto the Marquee that is relevant celebrity boyfriends, making him a household name and a heart throb to teenage Miley fans everywhere in hopes of it opening new doors and new opportunities for him.

So this could have been a lot better if she was showing some pussy lip or panty and if Miley was fingerbanging her while Seal peed on them like he was R. Kelly at a Junior High….but maybe that’s too much to ask, I mean I remember the time I pissed on my wife thinking it would add some excitement to our lives and instead it just made her cry, because he was watching TV and I surpriseed her from behind, leaving me unaroused and feeling like I had failed, never exploring golden showers again, meaning it’s really only for a select few and finding those people isn’t always easy, it’s not just something people do on the first date, unless you’re paying them, so thinking these starlets would get in on something like that is totally far fetched….

To See The Rest of the Pictures Go To TheCobraSnake

Posted in:Heidi Klum|Miley Cyrus|Upskirt

2008

Sep

Heidi Klum Has a Line of Jeans of the Day

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Heidi Klum has a line of jeans out and she looks like a clown while promoting it, but that won’t stop her black husband from knocking her up because no girl is too ugly for a black man.

I was on the bus the other day and these two lesbian lookin’ fat chicks were there with the cutest half-black babies I ever saw. They looked like twins and one had big blue eyes and the other had brown eyes, so I asked the lesbians if they were twins, assuming they bought them at some discount adoption center, figuring if they were rich they wouldn’t be on the fucking bus. They told me that they weren’t twins but best friends and were born 5 days apart. Now I spent about 30 minutes staring at these fucking things and they looked identical, I mean sure I joke around that all black people look the same and call all black famous people Denzel Washington like the next racist, but reality is I have the ability to spot differences and these kids had none.

So I started talking to the woman next to me, who happened to be a Jamaican and we’re goin’ off about how those kids are identical and those mothers are not so how the fuck did this go down and we realized that they have to have the same dad. Now I am no expert on these things, but the Jamaican asked where the father was from and since she was Jamaican I assume the fat lesbian moms felt comfortable with her as she could be the baby daddy’s relative and they said that Jamaica. So the story goes like thise, 2 fat lesbians no one want go down to Jamaica on an all inclusive resort, have one too many drinks and end up fucking the bartender who knocks them both up, sending both of them back to Canada pregnant, making the herpes my friend got last time he went to the Dominican seem like not such a big deal.

I feel like I told this story already, I am confused.

Posted in:Heidi Klum|Jeans

2008

Aug

Heidi Klum Topless Vacation of the Day

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Girls are so catty. I was at the strip club the other night and I saw two of the strippers pretty much beating each other up because they were wearing the same stripper costume. They were pulling at each other’s shirts and spitting at each other while calling each other names. The bouncer let it go on for a few minutes because he knew shit was good for business, because it’s not everyday at the stripclub where some wrestling implanted whores get down and he sent both girls home. I was just surprised that they’d get so mad about somethng so stupid, I figured they didn’t have that much selection at the local stripper costume shop to begin with and seeing another girl working in the same costume happens all the time, not to mention as a patron, we just want to see you naked and don’t really even notice what you’re wearing, but girls will be girls.

Here are some pics of Heidi Klum raining on Cindy Crawford’s topless moment in the sun, because I guess she wants to prove that she’s still got it goin’ on too and that even after ravagin her body with black man cock and black man semen and black man babies, people still like seeing her ex-model mom tits.

If this is infact a competition of tits, where Heidi Klum is trying to show up Cindy Crawford, she lost. It’s safe to say that bad things have happened to Heidi Klum and bitch looks like she’s been dancing around a fire chanting tribal songs with her family and that this shit was shot by National Geographic and that she’s definitely lost whatever she once had.

Posted in:Heidi Klum|Topless|Vacation

2008

Jul

Heidi Klum Licking Ice Cream of the Day

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I tried to convince a teenage girl to let me film her eating her Dairy Queen soft serve the other day. I told her that I wanted to put it on the internet and make her famous, at first she was excited about it, but then I accidentally tried selling her on the fact that tons of old men would totally be jerking off to it, something I probably should have kept to myself until after we made the video.

The truth is that getting off to a girl eating ice cream is pretty fucking desperate. It’s the shit pedophiles do everytime they go to the ice cream parlor to scope out hot new pussy (literally) multiple times a day and it seems pretty fucking creepy to do when you’re older and watching girls your own age do that shit. You all think it’s this whole simulated blowjob shit, but we all know if Heidi was really trying to show us how she sucks cock, she would have chosen chocolate ice cream.

Posted in:Heidi Klum|Ice Cream|Licking

2008

May

Heidi Klum Pretends to Eat for McDonald’s of the Day

6 Comments »

Everyone knows that despite what models say about how much they eat, they are full of shit and are just doing it because they want the rest of the world to think it’s ok to eat so that they get fat and make the models look even skinnier than they actually are in comparison.

Heidi Klum landed some kind of job promoting some McDonald’s chicken shit, and part of the campaign was to pretend that she was actually eating them because it looks better for McDonald’s. I guess hiring a model to pretend to eat is the best place to go since they have years of experience of trying to save face when they get invited to 4 course expensive dinners with clients and have to do their best to make everyone think they are actually eating and not sneaking to the bathroom to spit up the food they have hidden up in their cheeks and to rip a couple of lines, drink a couple of diet cokes to stay alert in conversation and a few sticks of gum to cover up the smell of their empty eating disorder stomach.

So despite this McDonald’s shit being false advertising, I still like Heidi Klum and would like to give her my own kind of wrap to eat in the form of my penis wrapped in gauze because of all the open sores.

Posted in:Eating|Fake|Heidi Klum

2008

May

Heidi Klum is Rockin’ Out in a Bikini of the Day

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I was served by the hottest lookin girl I had ever seen at a store today. Her face was flawless and I was wondering why she was working such a shitty job when she probably had the potential of making a hell of a lot more money if she just used her looks to get ahead. I was tempted to tell her how hot she was and how she should be doing something better than an 8 dollar an hour gig because I know way uglier chicks than her making 50,000 dollars a month just getting naked and doing lesbian shit online, but I wasn’t in the mood to socialize because I am socially awkward and always seem to say the wrong thing. Like this weekend, when I told a girl she was haggard in efforts to make her laugh before realizing that girls don’t find being called haggard all that funny. Anyway, this seemingly hot chick moved away from the counter she was hiding from and from the tits down she was obese. I am not talking a little obese like a girl who just needs to jog for a couple of months, I am talking fat camp obese and I took my food and walked away confused at what my brain just went through because this girl went from being smokin’ hot to being scary and fat in a matter of seconds and I just don’t have the capacity to process that shit fast enough.

Here are some pictures of Heidi Klum on the beach in a bikini which isn’t anything abnormal since we’ve seen her half naked over the course of her career, but I guess it’s safe to say that despite still being hot, she’s not where she used to be and I can only blame Seal for ruining her in more ways than just her post pregnancy body, if you know what I mean.

Posted in:Bikini|Heidi Klum

2008

Feb

Heidi Klum Makes Lesbian Jokes with Lesbians of the Day

1 Comment »

Heidi Klum was on Ellen today and they decided to get to the kitchen, I guess now that they’ve made it, they are going back to their womanly duties and headin’ back to their home in the kitchen to make the food for the family….well at least Heidi is, Ellen is too busy adjusting the prosthetic penis in her pants while tying a tie and shaving her mustache while reading the paper….

Either way, they are making meatballs and the obvious ball jokes came up about balls because let’s face it, when you’re making meatballs, what else is there to joke about. I am all for obvious jokes, they are always the easiest to come up with and the only jokes I know and whenever I drop them everyone gives me dirty looks, but that’s usually because I am pissing myself at the same time. It’s part of the act.

Either way, Heidi asks Ellen if she’s ever had balls, and Ellen says it’s been a while because she’s a lesbian….get it? I think Heidi was probably referring to in her pants, because that bitch is more masculine than you. It looks like Ellen just busted nut all over her lesbian pant suit like a 14 year old boy with his first playboy…

Posted in:Balls|Ellen|Heidi Klum|Lesbian

2008

Feb

Heidi Klum Does Stupid Pictures with Will Farrell for Sports Illustrated of the Day

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People hate going to movies to me, which is expected because people generally hate doing anything with me, but they specifically hate going to movies with me because I gripe and groan about all the shitty jokes being thrown in my face while the rest of the theatre laughs and the more laughs the movie gets the more pissed off I get. People call me a joke snob because I write this site and they think that I think I am the funniest motherfucker and no one can compete and that when I watch the movies I get bitter because these hacks are making millions while I am sitting on my shitty Salvation Army couch. The truth is that I am not really a joke snob, I don’t think I am funnier than these famous motherfuckers, I don’t think that I could do better than them, because if I could I probably would be. I just don’t laugh, because I am broken on the inside.

Here are some Heidi Klum acting a fool with not so funnyman Will Farrell doing some stupid photoshopped to shit photoshoot for SI, but Heidi Klum proves that with a little photoshop, having kids isn’t always so destructive to your body, but I guess none of us really know the damage Seal’s done to her box with her African Warrior spear he keeps hidden in his singing pants.

Posted in:Bikini|Heidi Klum|Sports Illustrated|Will Farrell

2007

Nov

I am – Heidi Klum is Hot and Annoying of the Day

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I posted a link to this video in my stepLINKS last night, but since you asshoels and don’t support what I do, you probably didn’t see it. It’s a video of her acting like an annoying bitch but she’s in a bra so the words she says and the dances she does don’t phase me and that is why hot girls are my poison.

I am the kind of guy who will put up with so much fuckin’ bullshit from a hot girl just because I like lookin’ at her and for the most part every hot chick I’ve come across in my life has been an idiot, probably because they are hot and never really had to refine their personality to be socially acceptable because they were always given what they wanted and that’s why hot girls are their own breed of human because the rules the rest of us have to follow just don’t apply to them. The the only rule that should apply to them is to get in my soiled bed, ignore my fat wife and the damp sheets from her sweating, pretend the shit smell they are smelling is roses, and let me give them a full body massage with my tongue, and that includes their asshole.

Related Posts:

Heidi Klum Naked in a Magazine
Heidi Klum Reliving the Past on the Runway
Heidi Klum in a Hot and Expensive Bikini
The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show in Picture

Posted in:Crazy|Heidi Klum|Hot|Tits|Unsorted